You have never heard the sound a human heart makes when it's broken. I know this because you're one of the Lilim too; you have to be, in your own way. I think it's a little funny that I can communicate with you so easily. A pen on paper or the shaping of breath. But unlike you, I have heard the sound a human heart makes when it's broken.
It's a sound like singing inverted. The human voice digging into itself and carving out pieces as it goes instead of reaching out and building bridges to others. When I heard the sound that day by the newly-formed lake, it made me wish I could sing to patch up the fresh empty spaces there. I can't sing very well. It's an achievement of the Lilim, so I can only start to imitate it piece by piece...
I hummed for the human heart that was broken, instead. Then I spoke to him.
We gave each other our names. Do you know the sound I hear when two people call each other by their given names, without honorifics? You don't. Like the sound a human heart makes when it's broken, it's inaudible to you Lilim. To me it sounds like the first steps on a bridge.
It's such a thin bridge and so shaky in the wind. But it's not as fragile as his heart is right now.
In the shower, with water around us again, I touched his hand. Hands are just extensions of the Lilim's hearts. I didn't know then why I touched his hand or his heart. I knew that I wanted to touch other parts of him, but I was afraid he would run away. Then the only sound would be the wind shaking the bridge that I was on alone. So instead I coaxed him across the bridge without any more touching. You should have heard the sounds his heart made. But in the end, it was still the sound of the wind on the bridge, because I could not make him step off of it; when he did so, it would be of his own will...
I watched him sleep that night, and the thinness of his eyelids over his sad eyes was the most beautiful thing in the world. As for the sounds his heart made, they were more like humming. No, more like strings that didn't exist vibrating as they reached out through the air, trying to find the strings of my own heart. I don't know if I had one.
Wine glasses are another thing that the Lilim have made. Do you know the sound that is made when you tap them? That is something like the sound I made when I touched Shinji's heart. Yes, I touched Shinji's heart. While he slept, I picked up one of his hands and held it in mine. I kissed every finger, because I had heard from the Lilim's stories that kisses heal. But nothing happened.
I am telling you this because I think, in another moment, Shinji is going to kill me, and then his heart will make the sound glass makes when it shatters. I am telling you this so that someone remembers the sounds his heart made. I am telling you this because I finally understand why I touched him. I thought then that it was because I wanted to heal his heart. I was still learning.
I have no more time to learn. In another moment, Shinji is going to kill me. Do you understand?
I cannot tell Shinji goodbye, so I am telling you. Say farewell to him for me, Rei Ayanami, if you understand how. Tell him that what I wanted was for my heart to be a part of his. Do you know if that is possible? Can you tell me, maybe, what sound it would have made?