Thought: SO! It's late and this is kind of rushed, but I wanted to update like, last week. IIII'm going to the beach tomorrow (well, technically today) with my very hot and cuddly Macedonian coworker. Wish me luck. (:
I was walking Doll home with the change of plans that I didn't really approve of. I didn't have a choice, there was no way I was letting Logan anywhere near Wayne's, and since he wasn't going to just go home without me, I didn't have the choice.
Logan's mom was shaking with tears when we got home, she made Logan promise to never do that again, yadda yadda yadda, and I told her everything was okay, it always had been, and to stop crying and get her ass to bed. It was late. I didn't really have time to worry about her; Doll was friggin crazy.
I knew, though, for a while, that there was something wrong with him. The way he looked and talked and thought; he was so different than everybody. And, I mean, I know everybody's different, not just Loges. But he was real different…like, he had voices in his head, it seemed like. It was almost like he believed them over everything else. everybody has a voice in their head, it's called a conscience. Logan was different. It seemed as though they were his dictators.
I led him into the bathroom, lightly holding his hand. I checked him, and double checked him, making sure he wasn't seriously hurt. His nose wasn't bleeding anymore, nor was it crooked, his eyes were blackened, he had a few scratches here and there. He winced slightly when I touched his ribs, so they were obviously bruised. I was so mad. I really wished I could have killed those assholes myself. I hadn't hurt Logan in a long time, and I'd be lying if I said I was mad. I knew the reason why I did what I did, and it didn't matter to anybody else. But I knew that the reason other people wanted to hurt him wasn't the same as mine.
I gently cleaned his wounds and wiped the blood off of him, getting the stained clothes off of him and helping into something more cozy. I didn't want to hurt him anymore than what he was, but he didn't seem to be really appreciating what I was doing. He seemed rather concerned, though, and eventually, he seemed worried. I hadn't said anything to him in a while, and he looked really heartbroken, although, I didn't think I'd ever know the reason why.
"Kendall," he said, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I don't know what's happening, please don't hate me. I love you, I do, I love you, why do you hate me? Oh, don't hate me…"
He'd started crying, and I was so shocked by what was going on that I subconsciously decided to let him vent this out till he couldn't speak anymore.
"…please don't hate me, I don't know what I'd do without you, I can't do this, I can't do this, please, please don't leave me anymore, I love you and I love you and I love you. I don't want you to hate me anymore, please, tell me what I have to do to make it so you don't hate me? Please…just…trust me, please. I just want you to trust me…I'll try to change, I'll try to shut up, I promise, but, don't hate me, don't, don't, don't…"
I couldn't stand to watch him struggle anymore. I couldn't stand to watch him search for words that he couldn't get out because he was crying so hard. I reached out and wiped his tears, they were warm and fresh against my fingers. He snapped out of it and looked into my eyes, and I didn't really like it. I said to him in a gentle voice, "Doll, I do love you, I've always loved you. You're the BEST thing that has ever happened to me…"
I wished he'd just realize that. I wished he wouldn't think I hated him, I didn't even hate him when I was torturing him! I just knew, I knew he was the one. I knew I was destined for him, and I knew the only way to have him imprinted in my life and getting him on my level was to treat him the way I was treated. And I did that. I still friggin loved him.
"No matter what happened today, Doll, no matter what happened yesterday, or last week, or last year, or four years ago. I love you. I fucking love you. You've never left my mind since the day I met you, you're all I think about. I'm literally crazy about you. I've never truly hated you. Please try to calm down, baby, okay? You're scaring me and I don't like it…"
He was crying harder, and it made me more nervous. I wasn't real good with this kind of stuff and I think it was me that made him cry harder. He was panicky, and I didn't like that. I wanted him to just stop crying, but I felt like if I said anything else, he'd freak even worse. I didn't want to say anything to make him cry harder, because he was borderline heart attack; I'd never in my life seen anything like it. It hurt my heart and it was the first time in a long time I could honestly say that. He started gagging, and it was a good thing we were in the bathroom because the next thing I knew, his head was in the toilet and he was friggin spewing his guts.
He had gotten himself worked up.
I didn't think it was the fact that he killed two people that made him sick, and I think that's what made him sick. Or maybe it was me being sickeningly sweet. Or maybe it was those crazy voices in his head. But no matter what it was, it didn't stop me from trying to comfort him. I don't know how long it'd take for him to believe me, for him to believe that I really, honestly loved him more than I ever loved anyone or anything. I rubbed circles on his back and his body was shaking so hard that I'd thought he was having a seizure if I didn't know better.
He wasn't helping anything. In fact, he was making it worse because with everything he said, Dank and Nell made retaliations. Kendall was lying, he was never telling the truth. He never truly loved me, that's what they said. He was lying, I never left his mind because he was thinking about how much he hated me, how much he loathed me and wished I was dead. Which is why he tried to kill me. Which is why he wasn't mad about me being a murderer, because I was going to get locked up in jail for life and he wouldn't have to worry about seeing my face anymore.
Then, he'd looked up at me, his cheeks red and flushed, his eyes puffy, his voice almost gone, he said, "If you hate me so badly, please just leave. Please leave because you hate me and this is my house and I don't want you to have to suffer and be near me anymore. Please…Kendall…this joke isn't funny anymore. You can't just stab me and jump me and try to drown me and then come back for round four and break my heart, I can't handle this anymore. I can't. I don't want to do this anymore…"
I was honestly hating myself right then. That's what he thought? I always knew deep down that I was the one who did this to him…and now I didn't know how I could ever forgive myself. I didn't know how I could ever be okay with what happened. Doll…he was soemotionally fucked up because of me. I didn't know how to fix this. And it friggin scared me. Doll friggin scared me.
I shook my head quickly, panicking, trying to say anything that would convince him that I completely opposite of hated him. Doll and hate wasn't even allowed in the same sentence unless it was just to say that it's not possible. 'Cause it's not. I can't hate him, he's my baby, he's my doll. I had to heal what I broke. I had to get him to know that I loved him. I love him. So much. It was at the point where I would refuse to live without him.
"Doll, Doll, Doll, stop it please, please don't say things like that. I'm not joking…honest to God…I love you, I just wish you would realize that…WHAT can I do to make you realize that! I'll do ANYTHING for you!"
"…just…just love me…"
I sighed, tired, "…I do." I was tired of this same game; I felt like I'd said this before. I wasn't sure how many times I'd have to say that I love him before he'd believe me, but I'd do it every second of every day if that was what it'd take. I knew I couldn't change the past. I knew that what does not kill us only makes us stronger. But this was murderous.
James and Carlos let themselves in, Carlos doing so for the first in a long time. "Wayne's been arrested," James stated, his voice low.
"We pinned the murders on him. Actually, it kind of already seemed like he done it himself. Like…nobody believed that he was at home. Of course, we knew that but we ain't about to stick up for him. This was like, killing two birds with one stone, really. Haha, get it? Like, killing…with one…yeah…." I gave him a glare and he stalked talking.
Carlos looked at Doll and said, "…Doll? You okay, buddy?"
He shook his head, his body still shaking but he'd stopped sobbing, clearly embarrassed by having an audience. "I don't know," he said.
I sighed and looked at him. He looked drained, and he closed his eyes. I swallowed hard, pressing my lips hard together. This had been one long, hell of a night, and I was ready to put it behind me. I was ready to let Wayne go to jail for the crime; I was ready to talk Doll through it. But James and Carlos couldn't be around. I had things to work on him with by myself. My own demons with him; me. Being what caused all of this.
I stood up and lifted Doll to his feet, keeping him close to me. I looked at my friends. "Sleep on the couch," I said to them; "You weren't seen, were you?" I asked, keeping my voice softly.
"Negative," James said, his voice just as low.
I gave a quick nod and went to Doll's room with him, and Carlos and James went to the living room to sleep on the couch, as they were told. I laid next to Logan as I forced him to fall into me. "I love you," I said to him.
"I love you," he said back, "so much…"
"I want you to stop thinking that I hate you. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone. …more than anything. More than air. More than life itself. I'd kill for you, I'd die for you. I'd do it just to see you smile. If it's me that has to go, Doll, I swear to God I will if it'll make you happy. I just want you to be happy…you are the best thing that has ever happened to me."
I was met with silence.
"Dolly…tell me how to fix this."
He sighed. "I don't know…I just…it just…I can't…this isn't…I'm just…confused."
I had to nod and say, "Yeah, me too… tell me what goes on in that head of yours."
His body tensed. "…I hear voices. All the time. They're…mean. They tell me things…sometimes I say them without even knowing it. They're usually always about you. They tell me that you hate me, and I just…believe them. It's like a natural reaction that I can't fight; it's like I'm stuck in a dream because when I wake up, we're back to reality. That world where you wanted to kill me."
"That's the thing, baby. I didn't want to kill you -"
"Why, then! Why'd you do that to me? Did I honestly deserve that?"
I wanted to cry myself but I didn't. I stayed strong. I shook my head and said, "No. Nobody deserves that. I'll never understand my thought process, Doll, and it scares me. But…I don't understand your thought process either. And it makes me think that I've never understood you, but I still love you. I've always loved you. I don't- you know how in those cleech movies, the boys always pick on the girls they like?"
For the first time in what seemed like forever, Doll laughed. "So you're calling me a little girl?"
"No…I'm…comparing you to a little girl. But that's what it is. I just…I don't know. I was marking my territory, maybe. But you were mine. You are mine. And I never meant to hurt you and I'm sorry that I did. I love you, you know? Well, I don't think you know because you seem to think I hate you…I don't. I never have. Don't let those voices in your head tell you anything else, just listen to me. Listen to my voice."
"I try to."
"It's all I want you to do. I don't know what it is, man, but, I gotta tell you. You're kinda my baby, and we're kind of…together. And I don't want my baby thinking I hate him, you know? It kind of defeats the whole purpose…we can't change the past, no matter how hard we wish we could. I wish I could. You gotta believe that I want what's best for you, I want happiness for you. Is it me? I mean…you forgave me…didn't you?"
He turned to face me suddenly, surprising me. "I was never even mad."
I chuckled, "Well, I mean, you could have fooled me with all the-"
"I'm stubborn and I thought I was mad, but looking back, I wasn't. I was just scared. I knew a long time ago I loved you, but I didn't want to believe that because of what you did to me, but you made me stronger. You did, and I'm suffering now because my mind's just confused because it spent so long thinking it hated you, when it really loved you. I hate this. I wish it was just me, but those voices. I tell them to shut up and they don't. I don't know what to do anymore. You said you'd help, remember? You said you were always there?"
I nodded. "Because I am. I'm right here, always. I'll help you, I'll do anything for you. I was just waiting for the okay."
"It's okay…I need help."
Note: Yes. That whole conversation happened while they were in bed. Cute, right? Next chapter will be Logan's version of that, then we'll get to what Kendall plans on doing. Thanks for reading! (: