Snape's Too Sexy


That night was a big night at Hogwarts. The appointed hour had come for King Jareth, the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, and Snape, the DADA wannabe and now potions professor. Tonight they would duke it out in a duel that would be sure to go down in Hogwarts, A History. All chairs, tables, and inconveniently placed wall gargoyles had been cleared out. The whole school somehow managed to pack into the Great Hall with the teachers to watch the display.

"I'll bet you a box of chocolate frogs that Snape gets cast into the Bog of Eternal Stench." Ron whispered to Harry, as both of them stood close to the front of the arena. Harry pulled an almost Draco-like smirk and answered:

"I think it's going to be a bit more fun than that."

"Like Snape's hair isn't oily enough." Ron muttered.

The teachers stood close in a ring in case the duel got out of hand, and judging by the icy stares on the part of the contestants, that was more than likely. Snape strutted onto the platform, looking like a giant raven defending its nest in his billowing black robes. Jareth, in his ever-present tights, wore his own glittering black floor-length robe as he paced silently up to meet him on the other side. They both looked like storm clouds driven by the wind, and lightning was in their eyes. Dumbledore strode to the middle of the floor in front of them and boomed out "Sonorus!"

A hush fell on the crowd. It was so quiet Harry could almost hear Draco's blonde eyebrows twitch.

Dumbledore turned sideways to address the contestants. "Now you both know the rules. NO, and I mean NO, Unforgivable Curses." His eyes glinted momentarily at Snape. "May the best wizard win!"

That was the signal for the duel to begin. Dumbledore stepped out of the way with his hands inside his sleeves. Jareth and Snape raised their wands. All that was missing was the ominous music, which of course, Jareth had strategically provided: A Night on Bald Mountain. This made Snape's upper lip curl even more, and he threw the first curse.

"Expelliramus!!!" he cried in his best stage voice, flinging the Tighted One back so hard his robe flew up, caught on a gargoyle's beak and hung him there like a regal flag. His wand had flipped high in the air only to bounce off the torch and get caught in Jareth's volumnous hair, where he promptly caught it with an equally as disarming smirk.

"Expelliramus!" he shouted, but Snape had jumped out of the way of his waving wand. Snape's face beamed with angry triumph and he countered with a hearty:

"Engorgio!"
He had meant to point his wand at Jareth's hands to make them helpless, but instead, Jareth's family jewels swelled to three times their size. The entire room gasped as one, and McGonagal covered her eyes, turning away in acute embarassment. Dumbledore's mouth twitched spasmodically in a contained gaffaw, and more than several of the students snickered and pointed. Ron started to roar with laughter, clutching his sides, but Harry and Hermione both slapped a hand over his mouth. Snape's mouth curled into a wicked smile. Jareth pointed his wand at his crotch.

"Reducio!" he muttered, making note of that Engorgio spell for later. While Snape was beaming with pride, Jareth countered him with a sudden "Avis!" a flock of black birds appeared in an angry rush from somewhere outside and made a beeline for Snape. Jareth stood there with his arms folded smirking with triumph while Snape tried in vain to point his wand at him with a countercurse. When the birds were done pecking, feathering, clawing and pooping on him, he looked worse than a Central Park bench. When he finally mananged to wrest his wand from the attacking birds, he shot straight through one.

"Rictusempra!" he shouted through a mouthful of feathers and his own twisted hair, after muttering a vanishing spell for the birds. Jareth fell to the floor in a fit of hysterical laughter. From far away, one could hear the sound of throngs of goblins laughing in answer. "I didn't say to laugh!" Jareth shouted angrily between giggles. He was rolling on the floor so hard he was practically breakdancing, and kept getting tangled up in his robes. Snape stood there and watched him, beaming with self satisfaction. The whole room was laughing along with him.

"Expel...(hahahahaha) Exp(bwahahahahaha!!!)...!!!" Jareth was trying to say through spasms of hysterical laughter. Snape stood over him like a stern but amused statue.

"Give it up, hairpiece." he said, smirking. "Start packing."

"Expelliaramus..." Jareth managed to mutter, now gasping. Snape's wand flew out of his hand and Jareth caught it. Snape glared like a bull just before it charges. Jareth drew himself up to his full height and said with quiet menace:

"Sonorus Erostripudio."

The room gasped as one. That curse bordered on an Unforgivable Curse, a curse that was sure to humiliate Snape beyond all doubt, the I'm Too Sexy Curse. Snape's face went ghostly white for a moment before the I'm Too Sexy song boomed in Dolby sound throughout the room, and Snape started to strip. The students started laughing and clapping to the beat, wolf whistling and dancing around. Even the ghosts came to check out the commotion. Peeves was literally doing sommersaults in midair he was laughing so hard. Dumbledore's face went ashen, then beet red.

"FINITE INCANTATEM!!!" he boomed like thunder. Snape had been about to strip off his Slytherin-imprinted boxers with suspenders to hold them up on his skinny hips. By this time Harry and Ron were both rolling on the floor like they'd been hit with the Rictusempra curse themselves. Even Hermione was giggling, but not as hard as they were. Draco and his cronies couldn't help laughing either, despite the fact that Draco usually worshipped Snape as an idol. Snape backed away like a crab on the beach until he disappeared behind one of the tapestries, and Jareth checked his fingernails. His long, almost girly, fingernails. The crowd cheered, and Jareth bowed deeply. But it wasn't over yet. Snape re-emerged angrily and now dressed into the hall and demanded his wand.

"Oh, it's not as easy as that." Jareth said lazily, making Snape growl. "I believe it's lost in the Labyrinth. Dangerous things, these duels are. If you want it, you'll have to find it."

Dumbledore intervened, scowling. "I believe this duel is over, Jareth. Return Severus' wand to him at once." he said quietly, but sternly. "If you do not, I will have no choice but to relieve you of your job."

Jareth's mouth set in a thin line. "Very well, Professor." He snapped his fingers and an ugly little muppet goblin appeared, bowing to Jareth with the wand. Snape snatched it out of his gnarly hands, and the goblin waddled away, muttering.

"Good night, Your Majesty." Dumbledore bade him cordially, but with a glint of displeasure in his bright blue eyes.

"Good night, Professor."

The crowd dispersed, talking loudly and laughing. They would remember this night for the rest of their lives. Jareth retired to his tower room to sit in the open window and stare at the moon. He thought he might take his owl animagus form and fly off to the Labyrinth to see Sarah. Besides, he wanted to check on Snape...

...for Snape was no longer at Hogwarts, but in the Labyrinth. He had stepped into his basement dungeon to have a fitful sleep on his Gothic bed. But when he was practicing his faces of malice and doom in the mirror, the mirror became a portal, sucking him through to the Goblin King's realm. Jareth had given him his wand back alright, but it wasn't the same. It had been charmed with Jareth's magic.

And the fun was just beginning.