Disclaimer: I own nothing in this fic! I wish I did, but I don't.

Warning: There is SLASH in this fic. Mentions of rape, but this IS NOT AN ANGST FIC. Language and a little violence and MAJOR OOC. I might have made Spidey a little too uke… Please do not read if you do not like it. Go away now.

Everyone else, enjoy!

And yes, this is Deadpool/Spiderman slash. There is a serious lack of it on the internet, even 4chan, which I place all the blame on for this. It's based off a pic I found there. And this is also the most crack-filled thing I have ever written. I mean, it has Deadpool in it, how can it not be crack?

There is also one-sided Venom/Spidey and Carnage/Spidey. Hence the near rape.

Rating may go up, because I may post a future lemon. Also, this is nowhere near as good as any of my other fics. You've been warned. And my writing style changes a little more than halfway down…

Oh, and I suck at comedy big time.



He had simply been swinging from building to building, enjoying the day and lovely weather, when out of nowhere, something slammed into him. Spiderman lost his grip on his web, landing hard on a small building below. Spiderman groaned, getting on his hands and knees, one hand going to the bump he was sure to have on his head.

"That hurt…" he said to himself.

Suddenly, he yelped, feeling whatever (or whoever, it seemed) had slammed into him pushing him back down. Spiderman was now just on his knees, his arms pulled behind him and held in a tight grip, his ass up in the air.

"Long time, no see, Spider," a familiar cruel voice said behind him. Spiderman was able to turn his head just enough to view his attacker. "It's been such a long time, hasn't it?" Venom continued.

Spiderman gulped, trying in in vain to free his arms. "Uh, Venom? Just what exactly are you doing?"

Venom ignored him, instead leaning over his captive's body, his long slimy tongue rolling out of his mouth. He licked a trail up the side of Spiderman's face. The hero shuddered, blushing heavily as he felt Venom's hips grinding into his backside. Something in his head snapped, and his struggling renewed, trying with all his might to free his arms and crawl away. This was not happening. This was so not happening!

The monster behind him chuckled, moaning in Spiderman's covered ear when he accidentally pressed back.

"Keep struggling, little Spider," Venom muttered huskily. "I like you writhing under me."

The hero felt tears in his eyes, trying to kick out his legs; anything to get the lunatic off of him.

One hand ran over his stomach and he could feel the top of his costume being lifted up.

"You are so warm, Spiderman," mumbled Venom.

Spiderman felt like giving up when a sudden gunshot pierced the air. The monster roared in rage, letting go of Spiderman's wrists. As quickly as he could, the hero scurried away. He turned and saw Venom writhing on the rooftop, holding a hand up to his shoulder. It was gushing blood.

Seeing this opportunity, Spiderman shot out a web to the nearest building, getting away from his enemy as fast as he could. Venom stayed on the rooftop, howling in anger.

Neither hero nor villain noticed the figure on the building across the street walk away.


The next day, New York's favorite Spider could be seen perched atop the bell tower of an old church. He sighed, running a hand down his masked face.

"What the hell had yesterday been about?" he asked himself. That had been the first time any of his enemies had ever assaulted him like that, let alone willingly seek him out. It had seriously freaked him out. He was not expecting to be molested/raped by any of his enemies. "Maybe it's just Venom…" Spidey mumbled. "That has to be it. He's probably just feeling deprived."

This was not helping him feel any better.

When he finally stood up to leave, arm outstretched and ready to web-sling, something large and decidedly human-shaped crashed into him. Both were sent tumbling off of the bell tower into the alley below. Spiderman tried to shoot a web out to catch them, but found both of his arms pinned to his sides, his face buried in someone's chest. He started to panic, seeing his relatively short but eventful life flash before his eyes.

He was jarred from those thoughts when they hit the ground, feeling tremors flow through his body. However, Spiderman was not lying on the ground with someone crushing him. Rather, he was laying on that someone.

The person below him (male, since he had no distinguishing curves) sat up with Spiderman in his lap. He was nuzzling the hero's throat.

When the hero's vision was no longer dizzy from the shock, he looked down to take stock of the man nuzzling him.

"Carnage?" he yelled. Said mutant-monster-alien-thing continued to nuzzle Spiderman's throat. "What the hell? Get away from me!" Spiderman struggled to free himself. This was eerily similar to the day before.

"But you feel so good, Spider!" was Carnage's reasoning. He wrapped his arms fully around the hero, eyes closed as he started to kiss Spiderman's neck and throat. "I just want to spend some quality time with you!"

Quality time apparently had something to do with the bulge poking at Spiderman's backside. He renewed his struggling, thoughts of the day before welling up in the back of his head.

"Carnage, no!" he barked. Carnage stopped kissing him and looked up. He almost resembled a little lost puppy. "Let me go, Carnage."

"But you're so cute…" mumbled Venom's son. He let go of one of Spidey's arms and ran it down the hero's face. "And you feel so good!" He bucked his hips up.

Spiderman used the moment presented to him to sock the red monster in the face, hard. Carnage wailed, falling back, letting the red and blue hero go in the process. Spiderman scrambled back, ready to shoot a web when there was a gunshot and the sound of flesh tearing, followed by Carnage's angry howling. Turning around, Spiderman saw that the monster had been shot in the same place Venom had the previous day.

Thankful to be free and uncaring about what happened to the villain at the moment, the hero of Manhattan shot a web and got the hell out of the dirty alley. He silently thanked whoever was watching out for him.

While Carnage cried below, the man on the bell tower off which Spiderman had fallen smirked, blowing smoke from his gun as he disappeared into the church.


Later that same night, a large dark figure could be seen crawling through the window of an old warehouse. Anyone who glanced at him would think that it was the web-slinging superhero, but upon second glance, revealed it to be Venom. And Venom was very angry.

He hadn't taken into account somebody coming to save the Spider. Honestly. He didn't think anyone would have the balls to shoot him either. Whatever and whoever had come to his prey's rescue would pay dearly. This brought him to why he was in this old warehouse.

Normally, Venom avoided his son as much as possible. Honestly, he'd rip him to shreds if he could. And he knew that Carnage would do the same for him. They hated each other. So why they were meeting in this old warehouse was anybody's guess.

Carnage was sitting on an old storage box when Venom arrived. The red monster was tending to a wound on his shoulder. It was in the same place where the older symbiote had been shot. Now this meeting made sense.

"Took you long enough," Carnage snarled. Venom hissed back, swiping his claws over the gunshot wound when his son wasn't looking. Carnage yowled.

"Shut up. I'm guessing this little meeting is about Spiderman?" Venom glowered. He didn't like that Carnage had made a move on his Spider.

"Yeah, I heard you tried messing with him," spat Carnage. He glanced over the healing wound on Venom's shoulder. He smirked. "Looks like you didn't get very far."

Venom growled, jumping up on the box and crouching next to him. "You didn't get very far either, whelp. I wouldn't be talking."

They both glowered at each other for a long time, neither noticing the shadow perched outside the open window.

Venom broke first. "So what did you call me here for?" It hurt him to ask.

"Spiderman," Carnage started. "Apparently, he has his own hero."

"You want to take him out?" Venom asked.

"Something like that." He sent a harsh glare to his 'father'. "Neither of us will get the chance to get close to him otherwise."

"So, what? Ambush him while one of us looks out for this stray gunman?" Venom clawed at the box in agitation.

Carnage rolled his eyes. "Do you have a better idea?"


Peter Parker walked down the street wearily. The past two days had him on edge, what with being attacked and nearly raped twice and all. Anyone would be feeling paranoid. Peter was only feeling extra paranoid. It didn't help that Venom knew who he was. And he couldn't locate the symbiote via Spider-sense either. And walking through an old neighborhood also wasn't a great idea.

Normally, Peter would be web-slinging his way through the city, either to get somewhere or just to enjoy himself. And he was tired, so that didn't help.

He hadn't gotten a whole lot of sleep the night before, too worried that at any moment Venom or Carnage would sneak through his bedroom window. He knew he could at least kick both their asses if one did show up. But only one at a time. He was screwed if they teamed up. Thank God they hated each other.

Speaking of his attackers, the brunette also wished he could thank his impromptu rescuer. He wanted to know who it was, but couldn't think of anyone he knew of that used a gun. It was kind of saddening.

Peter sighed, running a hand through his hair. He couldn't get his mind straight, his thoughts all a jumble, but still focused somehow. He was almost afraid to put the suit on. He didn't want to be Spiderman today. Or tomorrow. Or the next day, until Venom and Carnage got whatever was going on out of their systems so that he wouldn't have to deal with it.

Too bad his prayers weren't heard, because at that moment there was a loud screech of tires a few blocks ahead. Instinct kicked in and Peter darted into the nearest alley, changing in record time and swinging off.

It turned out to be a minor robbery, a couple of masked men breaking into a general store to get some fast cash. They were speeding down the road when Spiderman caught them, landing on the hood of the car. He punched through the windshield, grabbing the wheel and jerking it roughly, the car going into a wild spin. It had the desired effect, the criminal slamming on the breaks while his accomplice hurried out of the car. Spiderman shot a web at him, the stuff wrapping around the man's legs and tripping him.

Spiderman dealt with them quickly, leaving the two tied up on the trunk of the car for the police, who were on their way. Peter swung away when they arrived, landing cleanly on a tall building above the alley where he had left his clothes. He crouched on the ledge to watch the police arrest the two criminals. He didn't notice the shadow creeping up behind him until it was too late.

Peter let out a yelp as he was yanked back roughly, landing on his back with his arms spread. Venom hovered over him menacingly, smiling wide. Peter tried hard to swallow his fear, sitting and raising an arm to attack the symbiote.

He wasn't counting on Carnage moving behind him and capturing his arms in his own. "Now you're working together!" the brunette cried. Carnage snickered as he tied Peter's hands together with his own webbing. "This is just not my week!" The Spider tried so hard to free himself, kicking his legs and squirming as much as possible. His worst fear had come true.

Venom crouched down and tied his ankles together before sitting on his legs in an effort to keep the hero still. Peter froze in fear, honest to God fear. But Venom ignored him, instead turning to the red symbiote.

"You look out for the gunner," he ordered darkly. "I saw him first."

Carnage grumbled, letting go of Spiderman after placing a kiss on his neck. He got up and went to the edge of the roof unwillingly to play lookout, trying with all his might to ignore what was happening behind him.

"Venom," Spiderman started, trying to scoot away from the monster, "Don't do this. You'll regret it later!"

Venom laughed, crawling over the Spider to straddle him, grabbing his arm to keep him from moving farther away. "No, little Spider. I don't think I will." He leaned down, tongue lolling out to lick up Peter's covered chest to his neck. "You see, I've wanted you for a while now," he explained.

Peter felt tears prickle in the corners of his eyes as he was flipped over, finding himself in a similar position as two days ago. And this time, he didn't think his unknown savior would be able to help him. After all, there was both Venom and Carnage to deal with this time.

A wet, slimy tongue trailed down his back and over his ass, Venom's hips bumping Peter's a few times. Peter whimpered, still struggling to free his wrists, trying to ignore the bulge Venom kept rubbing against him. He was vaguely aware of Carnage pacing the perimeter of the rooftop, half hoping the younger symbiote would get jealous and start a fight with the other, if only to stall his fate a few more minutes.

The black and white symbiote was just pulling the bottom of his suit down when there was a sudden loud click in the air. Peter tilted his head forward, a pair of black and red boots filling his vision. He trailed his eyes up the rather well-muscled, red-clad legs, but could see no more. Although, he had a pretty good idea of whom it was.

"Bang," the stranger said.

Peter turned his head to look at Venom. There was a pistol pointed at his face and the symbiote's eyes were wide. He obviously had not expected Spiderman's savior to appear out of nowhere (literally) and shove a gun in his face. Carnage was going to die.

"Why don't you be a good boy and let Spidey go, hmm? That way I don't get blood all over his suit and he yells at me." Peter dropped his head to the ground, a sigh of relief escaping him. He could deal with this guy just for today, since he was saving him and all.

Venom snarled, but slowly backed off of Spiderman. Peter remained where he was since he still couldn't really go anywhere.

"Why do you care what happens to him?" Venom demanded petulantly. "You're a mercenary; you don't care what happens to people."

"I don't care about what happens to my targets," Deadpool corrected. He waved his gun flippantly, not noticing the other symbiote behind him. "Although, I don't usually care what happens to anybody else either. Hence why I'm currently pointing a gun at your face. And man, is that one ugly face!"

"Behind you, Deadpool," Peter mumbled.

Carnage leapt forward, claws outstretched, and made to grab the mercenary, but instead groped at nothing as Deadpool suddenly disappeared. Carnage was kicked from behind, tumbling forward next to Venom. There was another click as Deadpool cocked his gun again, once more standing in front of the two symbiotes and Peter.

"Man, you guys suck at the ambushing thing! I was watching you the whole time you were up here. And when you were planning this! Don't you guys have a Spidey-sense for these things or something? Or were you just too occupied?" He looked down at the superhero at his feet. "Damn, Spidey, you're not looking too good," he stated.

Spiderman just sighed. "Just get me outta here…" he mumbled. He was not expecting to be suddenly lifted off the ground and thrown over Deadpool's shoulder.

"No problem, buddy," said Deadpool cheerfully. He kept his gun trained on the villains. "Always happy to help a friend in need!"

"We're not friends," stated the hero. "And just untie me! I can walk, dammit!" He wished he could at least hit the back of the mercenary's head.

Deadpool just smiled happily, backing away from the symbiotes slowly. "No can do, buddy. That's not how this story's gonna go. And your ass just looks so nice out of the corner of my eye!"

"What?" Peter blushed.

Venom and Carnage both growled in a jealous rage, charging at Deadpool and Spiderman. Deadpool just teleported away from them.


Well, that's that.

I suck at writing Deadpool. For that, I apologize. I regret nothing else.

I still blame 4chan for this piece of crap. But I hope you all liked it anyway.

Future lemon possibly on the way! Review and you'll get it!