Twilight not mine, the Queens Mafia however all mine!

Suebee is truly the loveliest beta fairy and friend in all the land.

Team dick rot makes me hot pre-reads and rocks my socks.

For those of you still with me in this massive crazy that has totally taken on a life of its own THANK YOU! You have no idea how much it means to me that you endure the twisted stuff my brain comes up with and some of you even enjoy it! haha!

My heart was pounding wildly as I stumbled along in the small heels I wore on my feet, nerves overcoming me, and for the first time, I feared that Jasper was right about how dangerous the QM is; maybe I shouldn't have discounted his knowledge so much. I tried to convince myself not to be nervous - it was just a bunch of drag queens how bad could things get really? What were they going to do to me, dress me up in women's clothes? Well it was a little late for that! Maybe they would subject me to their favorite Broadway tunes over and over. I could handle that; it wasn't death and really, would a bunch of queens murder over wigs? It seemed silly to me. My stomach was still rolling a bit with queasiness, but I felt a bit better, realizing the worst they would probably do to me was something I could handle.

We reached the door and Jane knocked three times. Jane and Alice had informed us beforehand that a password would be required to enter. It wasn't just any old normal password either. There were several password possibilities which changed from night to night. Each password had a letter or a number associated with it. When we were asked for the password we would be given a letter and number combo and then be expected to be able to give the correct password based on that. This all seemed a little confusing to me and I was sure I would fail, but Jane assured me she or Alice could answer for all of us.

A little window in the door like you see in the movies set in the prohibition era where you could only see the eyes of whoever was on the opposite side, slid open. Ice blue eyes with lids covered in gold sparkles and very long thick black eyelashes peered back at us. "36D" was all that very manly voice grunted.

Jane and Alice answered by singing in perfect harmony to the tune of You Can't Hurry Love "I need lube, lube to ease my pain." I looked at Emmett and quirked an eyebrow at their performance. I guess that was the password because moments later I heard the grating sound of metal on metal as locks were undone. The hinges of the heavy metal door made a small, low pitched squeak as the door slowly swung open. The small amount of light in the dim hallway reflected off the gold sequin and lamé mini-dress worn by a drag queen whose size could give Emmett a run for his money, sending flecks of shimmering yellow across the dimly lit hallway.

The same gruff voice that had given us the password code grunted, "Down 30 clicks and to your right, no stopping until you get there, got it?" We all shook our head in agreement. I was hoping Jane or Alice knew what he meant by 30 clicks, because I sure as hell didn't.

Jane and Alice walked down the hall hand in hand, taking each step slowly and deliberately. I then realized they were counting their steps and 30 clicks must be referring to the clicks of their high heeled shoes. Jane and Alice stopped before us and Emmett stumbled on his heels, nearly running into me and sending me off balance. Luckily, Alice caught me by grabbing my arm to steady me before I could trip, fall, and out us all.

Once I steadied, we made a right turn and were met by another drag queen dressed in the same gold mini-dress and wearing similar gold encrusted eye shadow as the queen at the door. I figured it must be some sort of official uniform or something. The queen also seemed to be serving as a guard or security of some type. She eyed Emmett lasciviously, slowly letting her eyes wander over his body before her tongue swept out and slowly and seductively traced the lines of her lips. Alice had to pinch my waist to stop me from snorting out loud. Looked like Emmett had an admirer and I was ecstatic at how well this was going to play into a plan for revenge on him.

Once the guard queen thoroughly ogled Emmett, she turned to the group of us and asked, "What two stars did Barbara Streisand sing with in her high school choir?"

Alice bounced her tiny body excitedly and shouted, "Neil Diamond and Bobby Fischer!"

"That is correct," the queen replied and swung open the door for us to enter. "Watch your step," she warned as the doorway took us to a deep stairwell. We would be making our way down about forty stairs, and I was glad to find the stairwell brightly lit. The walls were painted in deep red with a splattering of green here and there along with gold accents that caused the stairwell to shine of its own accord. It was very rich and expensive looking and, in my opinion, a whole lot gaudy.

Apparently Candy Crackerjack, the drag queen mob boss, or whoever was in charge of design seemed to have a thing for gold. The thought made me chuckle a bit as I remembered my father's insistence that any rings or jewelry he wore and other metal accents in our home always be gold. Once, my mother tried to sneak in some silver colored knobs for a dresser of mine and he went ballistic over it. My dad was usually a pretty laid back guy and not much upset him, but remembering his whining and girl like stomping of his feet in protest of the silver knobs made me smile and laugh internally. He could be such a goof ball sometimes even if it was unintentional.

Jane went first down the stairwell followed by Alice. I took a few steps down the stairs and noticed Emmett wasn't following me. I turned to see what was keeping him and was met with a wide eyed Emmett getting his ass cradled in one of the drag queen's bulky hands as she slid her pointy red acrylic nail down his chest and slipped a piece of paper in the top part of Emmett's dress near his faux cleavage. I shot him a look to remind him he better not fuck this up for us and he realized his reaction was not conducive to keeping our cover. He loosened his tense body minutely and softened his eyes and bent over to whisper something in the queen's ear, which caused the queen to giggle swat his backside and say, "Just how I like them - big and dirty." I glared at him again as I saw him begin choking on his laughter and he hurried to catch up to me.

He shivered and exclaimed, "The things I do for you guys!" I just rolled my eyes because he wasn't as upset as he let on to be, the telltale smirk peeking out of the corner of his mouth giving him away. I bet anything he liked it; who doesn't like someone thinking they are attractive?

We soon made it to the bottom of the stairs without Emmett or me tripping, which I thanked the heavens for. When I first saw the stairs all I could think of was me in these heels tripping and plunging to my death.

We could feel a loud booming of bass reverberating throughout the hall as we stepped down from the last step, and we followed it, assuming it would lead to the party. The hallway was long and we passed several doors and mirrors before reaching where the sound was loudest.

Passing one of the mirrors, I briefly took in my reflection against Emmett's and, if I am being honest with myself, I felt a little hurt and jealous that he got hit on and I didn't. Comparing our looks as drag queens, I was positive that, although I was not pretty by any stretch of the imagination, I was a hell of a lot better looking than Sasquatch here, who, did I mention, happened to have a very hairy chest peeking out the top of his blouse. I didn't see why he was the one to get hit on and not me.

As if he could read my mind, Emmett tossed an arm around my shoulders and thumped it with his big meaty hand. "Don't worry man; the night is still young I bet you end up with more ass pinches and phone numbers than me."

I didn't want him to know that I had actually been jealous of him getting hit on by a queen and just shoved his hand off my shoulder and responded, "C'mon man that's not why we are here. We have bigger plans, remember?"

Emmett chuckled and replied, "Yeah, keep telling yourself you don't really care I got hit on and you didn't," and pushed past me to join Jane and Alice as they approached the room I assumed would be our next step into getting in deeper to the operation and finding Mitchell.

Jane turned to look at us and asked, "Are you ready?" We all nodded that we were. "Ok, this is where it gets serious. Remember what I taught you, Edward and Emmett, and from this moment on you are now Edie and Emma, alright?" Emmett and I once again nodded to let Jane know we had heard her. "If something happens and we get separated, remember the protocol. Okay, let's go!" With a swish of her hips and a graceful flourish of her hands, Jane pushed the door open and stood, hands on hips, legs apart and entered the room like she owned the place. Alice twirled gracefully in close to the same manner. Emmett and I were a little less obvious in our entrances, slipping in quietly behind them and sticking to the edges of the room, trying to gain a sense of comfort in our surroundings before we went out and interacted with the other partying queens.

Our goal was to interact with the others and see if we could get any information that would lead us to Mitchell. We realized most in attendance would not know much if anything, but Alice and Jane had a plan that would hopefully secure them a place in the VIP area where those who did know would be in attendance.

We began to mingle within the crowd of dancers a bit and soon I was approached by a brown haired queen whose hair was slicked back and set into a ponytail high on her head. She wore a tiny, red strapless dress and white platform boots that reminded me of the ones you would see go-go dancers wear.

She approached me and ran her long, red fingernail down the bare skin of my arms. "Well, hey there, sweetheart," she seductively purred. "Haven't seen you around here before. You new?"

I nodded my head yes then realized I should probably speak. Clearing my throat so that my voice wouldn't squeak from nerves, I answered, "Yes." Because that was all the words my nerves would allow me to form.

She batted her long fake eyelashes at me and asked, "What's your name, hunny?"

"Um…E-Edie," I stuttered.

"Ah, Edie, well I am Felicity. You wanna dance?" she asked.

I shrugged my shoulders and said, "Sure." She sidled up to my side and brought her arm around my waist and rested her hand on my ass.

I flinched minutely and hoped she didn't notice. She giggled, though, and said, "Oh is somebody a little bit shy?" Then she leaned over to whisper in my ear. "Don't worry I'll take good care of you." She let her hot breath blow softly on my ear, and then, using the hand already resting on my rear, she squeezed gently. Awkward couldn't even begin to describe how I was feeling at this moment. And how weird was it that I almost felt guilty, like I was cheating on Bella? I thought maybe if I tried to imagine that the person at my side was Bella it would help. I did and it relaxed me some.

Once out on the dance floor, a hot as fuck, seductive slow song came on and she lazily ground her body up and down mine. "C'mon sweet stuff, aren't you going to dance?" she asked, her eyes attempting to look soft and innocent, but in reality were the farthest thing from it. I hadn't realized until then that I was standing still as stone. I gulped and steeled myself and began to grind myself along with her. I thought of dancing like this one day with Bella and I began to grow hard. When you've had your manliness taped and tucked between your legs, getting an erection is not the most comfortable thing. I began to think of Tanya Denali and the disease factory she was and, yep, that took care of my problem immediately. Besides meeting Bella, at least something else good came out of the situation with the clap skank - I now had something that worked perfectly to rid me of unwanted boners. One thought of Tanya and a hard situation, pun intended, is no longer so.

As I pretended I was into this dance, I surveyed the room looking for the others. I caught Jane's eye and she winked at me as she stood at the bar chatting it up quite flirtatiously with a couple of flashy and lasciviously dressed queens and Alice was not too far from me dancing with two queens at once. I began to grow worried because I couldn't seem to see where Emmett had gone. Where the fuck could he have gone? My nervousness in searching for him must have been apparent because Felicity stopped her dancing and cupped her palm on the side of my cheek. "What's the matter baby, something wrong?"

" was just looking for my friend I came with and I don't see hi…er I mean her anywhere."

Felicity dropped her hand from my cheek and her face fell slightly. "Oh, are you with him?"

I nodded and said, "We came together." The tiny bit of sadness I had earlier seen in her eyes was now replaced with rage.

"Why didn't you say you were already with someone?" she screeched and slapped at my chest. Thanks to the gods of silicone for the padding of my fake breasts because they took most the heat, otherwise I am sure it would have really hurt.

I stepped back a few paces, feeling quite afraid of her now, and shook my head. "No, no! It's not like that! We came here together but we are not to-gether he…she is just a friend." I raised both my palms in front of me and exclaimed, "I swear!"

She eyed me intensely for a moment, trying to gauge the sincerity of my words, and as she did, I couldn't help but think Holy shit, what a fucking drama queen. Then I accidentally allowed a small snort out loud at the thought of drama queen, cuz you know, get it? Ha ha, queen? Ok, maybe you just had to be there for that exact moment in my head, but to me it was funny. My little slip only made Felicity angrier with me.

"WHAT?" she shrieked. "What the hell is so funny?" The look in her eyes was deathly and I began to squirm as I stood there.

"N-N-Nothing. I…um…I just that um…" I pointed to some random queen standing over by the bar. "She stuck out her tongue at me and I laughed at the immaturity?" I said, answering more like a question than a statement. Seriously, that was the best excuse I could come up with? I sucked at this big time.

Felicity's well-manicured and shadowed brows furrowed as she contemplated something for a second. "Are you sure it was her?" she asked.

"Uh…yeah, pretty sure. But it is kind of dark in here and there are a lot of people. I guess it could be somebody else," I said with a shrug.

She looked at me curiously for another minute then her look softened and so did her tone. "C'mere," she requested while grabbing my hand in hers and pulling me along, not giving me a chance to come of my own accord. "I have some people I want you to meet."

"Uh…ok, but um…can I use the bathroom first?" I asked, stumbling after her as she pulled me along. "I really got to go." She didn't seem to want to let me go, but decided to anyway, telling me to hurry back. I took off towards the bathrooms in a sprint, trying to decide what to do now. I also had the curious thought of how was I supposed to go to the bathroom when my junk was all taped up like this?

I needed to get away from Felicity and to find Alice, Jane, and Emmett - or Emma I guess I should say. Turning the corner, I ran smack into Emmett's hard body. "Fuuuck me, that hurt!" I exclaimed, taking a few steps back.

Emmett tossed the long hair of his wig over his shoulder and smirked before saying, "That's what she said!" A loud groan escaped me.

"Emmett, now is not the time for jokes," I growled. "Have you seen Jane or Alice? I feel like we have accomplished nothing since getting here but getting hit on."

Emmett looked sheepish and looked down. "Uh…no, I haven't seen either of them. I have kind of been hiding out back here."

"What the hell!" I cried and threw my arms up in the air. "How is that helpful? At. All?" I shook my head in disgust at him. "I thought out of the two of us you were the one who was the coolest with this. You said it would be a good acting exercise."

"Well that was before it was…so real and there were so many of them." At least he had the decency to look ashamed of himself.

"We will deal with this later Emma," I said, putting strong emphasis on his drag queen name. "Right now we need to find Jane and Alice."

We began to search for Jane and Alice while trying to stay hidden from Felicity. Fortunately, it didn't take long to locate the two of them. Jane pulled us off into a secluded corner and explained she had found a door that she believed led to where they could be holding Mitchell. We followed him to the door and slipped into a back corridor undetected. I froze as soon as I saw the camera in the corner monitoring our every move. Jane saw my reaction and slapped me on the shoulder and told me not to worry about it and that Alice had already taken care of disabling the monitoring equipment. The little red light that glowed when the camera was on was still shining brightly and I began to question Jane, but Alice cut me off before I could go any further. She had a mischievous smirk on her lips and a glint in her eye and told me she would explain later, but there was no time right now.

There were several corridors and doors winding along the way and I had no idea how we were supposed to find which one held Mitchell. Jane had told us earlier he was going on the theory that they would either hide him in the most obvious place, thinking because it was obvious no one would look there, or somewhere that would take some searching to find.

There were so many doors to search that Emmett suggested we split up. I began to protest because, if I had learned anything by now, it was that Emmett ideas weren't usually the wisest ideas.

Jane cut me off and said that considering the situation, it actually was a good idea. I began to fight it, but Alice gave me her scary bitch eyes and screeched that there was no time for arguing and to just do it. I had a bad feeling about it, but went along with it anyway, really having no other choice. The smug smirk Emmett gave me made me want to knee him in his balls hard, but I just clenched my jaw and resisted the temptation.

Jane and I took the left corridor and Alice and Emmett took the right, and we began trying doors, most of which seemed to be locked. I came upon one and the knob twisted; this one was unlocked. Slowly and carefully turning it, I opened the door and was greeted by the bare backside of a man on all fours. He wore a headband that had horse ears attached to it, a saddle on his back and some sort of tail hanging from his backside. I had no idea how that tail was attached and I was pretty sure I didn't want to know. Stepping up to him was another man wearing nothing but ass-less chaps and a cowboy hat, a small whip in hand. The "cowboy" whipped the other man's backside, causing him to neigh and whinny and buck and then asked him if he was ready for a good hard ride.

I figured it was time to shut the door and move on after that. I would have found that scene disturbing whether it was with two men, two women, or a man and a woman, and I tried to cleanse my brain of all memory of what I had just witnessed.

I hesitantly tried a few more doors. All were locked and I wasn't sure if feeling glad about that was right since we were trying to find Mitchell, but I was really afraid what I would find behind the next door I opened. I approached a door further down the corridor and I seemed to be able to hear a hum or a beat of some music playing behind it, but I wasn't sure. I grabbed Jane who was only a few doors ahead of me and pulled her back and asked her what she thought. She told me to try the knob and see. It was locked, but then I heard what I swear was Mitchell's voice yet more rough and gravelly than usual. It sounded horse from overuse, trying to belt out Celine Dion's My Heart Will Go On. I looked at Jane and she confirmed that it was him.

"How are we going to get to him?" I asked Jane. She thought for a moment and had opened her mouth to answer me when two very burly guards began heading towards us from the opposite corridor. They wore the same long, blonde wigs and the gold dresses as the other guards, and one had hold of Emmett and the other had Alice. Their arms were tied behind their backs and black cloths were tied around their mouths. Fear was prominent in their eyes.

Emmett was a pretty big, strong guy himself, but both these dudes outdid him in size and strength. I found myself wondering if maybe they liked to dress in women's clothes to compensate for their over manliness.

Realizing I had more important things to worry about at the moment, I pushed the thought aside. One of the big and burly queens spoke into a large gold bracelet she wore on her wrist and said, "Yeah, just found the other two…ok boss will do," in a deep, gruff voice. They stopped about ten feet ahead of us and brought their bulky arms up around Alice's and Emmett's necks, holding them in a tight grip and pulling them closely to their chests.

The other queen spoke and my eyes went wide because she did in a high pitched pixie like voice. "Come with us calmly and nobody gets hurt." I wanted to laugh at the voice, I wanted to cry at what they said, I wanted to strip naked and streak through the remaining corridor while shouting I'm a pretty princess because, at that moment, I felt any remaining sanity I had within me leave.

The loud stomp of heeled boots signaled that there was someone behind us quickly approaching. I turned and was met with a sneer from Felicity. "Get lost while on your way to the bathroom?" whe said caustically towards me.

I didn't answer; there was nothing I could say. Like she would believe me if I said why yes, yes I did or asked innocently if the door I stood in front of was the bathroom. She snapped her fingers high in the air and two more burly guards dressed the same as the rest, click clacked their heels in 4/4 time down the hall. They were upon Jane and me before we could react, pulling our arms tight behind us and securing them with rope. Soon after, our mouths were also tied shut with black cloths like Alice and Emmett's and the guards held us tightly so we couldn't move.

Reaching into her faux cleavage, Felicity pulled out a set of keys, unlocked the door we heard the music coming from and had the guards walk us in. We were then met by a second door which Felicity quickly unlocked and instructed the guards to release us in there. The guards' release was more like a forceful push and I ended up stumbling and landing flat on my face. Felicity informed us that the boss would be here soon and left the room. I stood up and dusted myself off the best I could when I saw the best thing I had seen in hours. There was Mitchell, huddled in the corner in the fetal position. He was rocking back forth mumbling, "Make it stop, dear God make it stop," over and over. Jane and Alice and Emmett had all also noticed Mitchell and we looked at each other quizzically.

Approaching Mitchell with the cautiousness one would approach an injured tiger, Jane slowly stepped closer to him and inquired, "Make what stop?"

Mitchell rocked and groaned before he answered. "The music, make it stop, please," he pleaded.

Jane turned to look at us, his bewildered look meeting our looks of confusion.

"Mitchell," she said softly. "There is no music playing. The music stopped," Jane said while slowly moving even closer to him.

Removing his hands from his ears and finally opening his eyes, he looked at the group of people surrounding him. "Jane? Alice?" he wondered

"Yes, it's us," Jane replied.

Blinking his eyes several times, trying to clear his vision, he looked over at Emmett and me. He squinted and refocused then said with a bit of shock, "Is that Edward and Emmett…in drag?" We all chuckled.

"Yeah, it is," Jane replied. "We came to rescue you, but seem to have been captured ourselves in the process."

Mitchell shot up, suddenly sitting straight and tall, a hint of his usual exuberance showing through. Gasping, he asked, "Bella, where's Bella?"

I stepped forward then and answered him. "Don't worry, Mitchell. Bella is safe. They were waiting someplace safe outside."

Mitchell shook his head a bit as if trying to shake off the remaining fog and groaned. "OH MY GOSH you guys!" he exclaimed in a voice that was becoming more and more back to Mitchell's normal tone and excitement. "You will not believe what they did to me!"

Immediately flashes of brutal physical torture leapt to my mind. "They have had me locked in this room blaring Aerosmith's Love in an Elevator on repeat!" He began to sob. "It was so awful!"

Jane and Alice gasped and ran to comfort him. "Oh no, that is terrible, how did you survive?" Alice asked, completely sincere.

Emmett and I glanced at each other and shrugged. I guess that wasn't what he was expecting to hear was used as a mode of torture, either. Mitchell was about to answer when the door to our holding cell swung open and the most glamorous drag queen I had ever seen gracefully walked in. Her hair was the red of an evening sunset and was piled high on her head in a beehive. Gold ribbons hung down the back and sides of her hair, ending at the nape of her neck. Her lipstick was deep red and she wore a gold choker around her neck and a one shouldered, long, black, slinky dress that shimmered bits of white in the light. If Lucille Ball had been a drag queen, this is exactly what she would have looked like. We all stood their gaping, but her eyes seemed focused only on me, making me feel highly uncomfortable.

"You there," she said abruptly, pointing at me. "Take your wig off." Still slack jawed, I stood there frozen while she glared at me. Slowly coming to my senses, I looked at her and pointed at myself and she nodded yes. Slowly, I took out the pins that held the wig in place and slid the wig off my head. She then thrust a small white package she had retrieved from the small sparkly black clutch she held in her hand and passed it towards me. "Wipe off your makeup," she demanded. I grabbed the package, which was full of facial wipes, and began to remove the makeup from my face. There was something familiar about this queen; something about the way she looked, something about her voice, but I couldn't quite place it. I was sure I had never met her before, so I didn't know why those things would seem familiar.

While I finished removing the last of the makeup, Emmett blurted out, "Who are you?"

She chuckled lightly and responded, "Candy Crackerjack, The Queen's Mafia boss. The fact you didn't recognize me straight off is proof alone you are somewhere you should not be." Looking back to me, she inspected me for a minute before grunting and looking resigned. She motioned towards me and said, "You, and only you, come with me."

My eyes shot nervously around the room and my voice squeaked out a small, "Me?"

"Yes, you. Come on."

She turned and I followed. As soon as I was out the first set of doors, my hand was grabbed firmly by Felicity, who stood in wait outside the door. Candy Crackerjack whipped her head around and glared at Felicity. "Gentle," she commanded. Felicity lightened her grip slightly, but not much, and dragged me off down the long and winding corridor, an obviously irritated Candy Crackerjack mumbling as we went.

Soon we approached an ornate, shimmering gold door with intricate swirls and filigrees etched into its main body. The door swung open right as Candy Crackerjack approached and she stepped through. A moment later, Felicity pulled me through the door and set me down on a plush, red velvet chaise. Candy demanded she leave. Felicity began to protest, but one look shut her up as she submissively backed out of the room, closing the door behind her.

Candy was looking at a large floral painting on the back wall of the room, her back still towards me as she begun to speak. "I was hoping it would never come to this. I knew you would have to know the truth soon, but this isn't how I wanted you to find out." With a swipe of her hand across her face and seeing the small white fluttering hanging from her hand, I realized she was removing her makeup. Slowly, she undid the pins in her hair and removed her wig, then spun to face me. At that moment, the entire world stopped, time froze and the room heated up by what felt like several hundred degrees. The next words that were spoken from her/his mouth brought me to my knees, then complete darkness overcame me as he/she said, "Edward I am your father."


What? Who hasn't wanted to turn their bestie into the Darth Vader of Twi fan fic? *shrugs* Massive smooshy kisses to the real Candy Crackerjack best friend ever to let me use her like this. She will always be the Lucy to my Ethel!

So ummm...did anyone catch that someone was missing? Who was it and what the hell happened to them? You wanna know review, I will tell you if you havent already figured it out. An outtake from this persons POV will be written *giggles like a maniac*

Last day to vote in the Giggle Snort Awards if you haven't already. GHEA is nommed for most cringe worthy along with a O/S Nikita2009 and I wrote called "Deck The Balls" Many awesome fantastic people like JoFicFreak, BellaDonna Cullen, and Bella Flan are nommed if you haven't voted already you definitely should go vote for your fav!