Hey! I know; I'm lame. But I can't help but get fic ideas. And this one has been nagging at me like crazy. Plus I discovered that Lovino is a total joy to write. Anyway, here's a summary!

Lovino Vargas desired a normal life, free of supernatural beings. Only it seems the more he desired normal, the less 'normal' he got. Because his brother's boyfriend's brother happens to be a total freak, who claims to be seeking out the extraordinary and that the world should revolve for him. Unfortunately for Lovino, the extraordinary is everywhere and even worse... the world really DOES revolve around Gilbert Beilschmidt...

So yes, this fanfiction is based off the Haruhi Suzumiya light novels. However, the plot will eventually take a different turn. I'd say the first arc is the most similar to the light novels but from there onwards, it becomes more and more different. So yes, there will be timetravellers and espers and aliens and junk! Who's who? You'll have to read and find out!

Pairings for this fic include: Prussia/Romano (eventual), Germany/Italy (established), Prussia/Hungary, America/Russia, Spain/Romano, France/Spain/Prussia, France/Romano, Germany/Romano, Spain/Belgium, Belarus/Russia, Estonia/Ukraine, Austria/Switzerland and more.

I'll get around to updating my other fanfics sometime. Read on! Do enjoy and reviews would be highly appreciated! 8D


the beginning for lovino vargas.

I'm trying to remember when it all began. Because this potato bastard has me pressed up against a wall completely in the eye of the public, saying he wants me. Last time I checked, I had nothing to do with this guy. But now everyone around us probably thinks I have everything to do with this guy! God damn it all! I just want a normal life and now it feels like I'm wrapped around the finger of none other than the self-proclaimed 'King of Awesome', Gilbert Beilschmidt.

In reality, he's just an idiot with an overblown ego. And idiot hair colour. Stupid eyes. Retarded accent. He can take his 'Ja's and suck it for all I care. Hell, it's worse that I actually associate with this loser not just in school but out of it.

They say the truth is stranger than fiction or something. I had a feeling my truth was following fiction like some kind of fucking mimicry. Many novels have had scenes of a character shoving another character into a wall and saying that kinda shit. And while I'm at it, I'm fairly certain Gilbert Beilschmidt doesn't mean for sex as he's claiming he wants me. For the record, I am not gay and would never want him to be meaning such a thing in the first place. That would be stupid and disgusting. My reddening face and quickened heartbeat are solely because this whole scenario took me off guard.

After all, nobody expects to be on their way to the shitty school cafeteria only for the most notorious and infamous student in the school to leap out of nowhere and tackle you against a hard surface. It fucking hurt the back of my head too, that bastard.

So my point is that I know Gilbert Beilschmidt. He gets too close for comfort on a regular basis. A month of high school hasn't even gone by and already we're 'together'. This isn't the first scenario that's happened that one could misinterpret.

Right. Let's rewind. A month or so ago.

-.-.-.-.-.A month ago, where I was trying to nap only for it to be interrupted by some bastards.-.-.-.-.-

"Ciao, fratello! There's some people I want you to meet!" I felt my brother press his hands against my stomach in attempt of waking me up. Sheesh, I can't ever take a good nap on the couch without being interrupted. Bastard fratellino, I was already awake; I just didn't want to open my eyes and see the latest fags you've rounded up. "Ve~ you already know one of them! But I want to reintroduce them!"

I sat up immediately, shoving my brother away and scowling towards the front door. Reintroduce? Why would he? I tried to think. Don't tell me; he's going to tell me he's going out with one of his friends now. Think, Lovino, think! Who the shit is a friend of Feliciano's that would also qualify as a possible love interest?


She's really pretty and nice, so I guess I'd be okay with someone like her dating my brother... I'd rather have her instead but if my brother's dating her, I wouldn't object. Most of the other girls I knew he hung out with seemed okay.

And there's no way Feliciano would have a relationship upgrade with one of his guy friends, right?


Consider me wrong.

Standing in the doorway were two of the most despicable people I had ever seen.

Feliciano introduced them as his "boyfriend Ludwig and his fratello Gilbert!"

...boyfriend Ludwig and fratello Gilbert...

...boyfriend Ludwig...



What the flying fucking tomato shit is this?


Oh no no!

I'm not having any of that.








And yes, I must emphasize this shit with CAPITALS.

I don't approve of this relationship.

That's an understatement.

And why's the potato bastard dragged his brother along? This is some fucking family invasion! I'm not having the Vargas family become one with the Beilschmidt bastards! What nasty offspring they'd produ – thank god we're all males and that's impossible.

I disapprove of this shit, okay? Actually no, it's not okay. Nothing is okay about this situation!

Ludwig Potato Bastardschmidt is going down.


"Let me go, let me go!" I cried out as I tried to lunge at the potato bastard and beat him up. No one gets to date my brother without asking me first! That's just wrong! But Feliciano latched onto me and clung. Damn it all! He's defending that dumbass macho potato! How could he? Stupid brother! Stupid brother with shitty taste in love interests! "I said let go, dammit!"

"But fratello..!" Feliciano pleaded for me to calm down. Calm down? That was simply out of the question. Ludwig stared at me with malicious eyes. Probably thinking that he's better than me or something because he's manipulated my idiot brother. Well, he'll have to guess again. He's nowhere near on my level of greatness. And he hasn't really manipulated my brother, dammit! He's just going through a stage of confusion and that potato bastard's taking advantage of his vulnerable idiot state. It's horrible! "Ah? Fratello, please don't cry!"

What? I'm not crying! I'm not that upset by all of this! So I told my brother as such and that well, it would be all solved once I'm allowed to tear Ludwig's head off.

And I think it was at that moment that he caught my eye.

No, not Ludwig Potato Bastardschmidt. The other potato-head, the other Beilschmidt. Gilbert.

He flashed me a grin, chuckling at my behaviour as if I were merely a source of entertainment for him. It was the first time I'd really noticed his presence and fuck, he's already pissing me off. His red eyes examined me, looking me up and down. Then his smirk grew wider. That silver-haired fucker better not have been checking me out, dammit..! Oh, he grinned even more when he saw me staring at him as I continued screaming at Feliciano to unhand me. Bastard. Bet he has a huge ego.

"Lovino Vargas, right?"

"Fucking hell, let go of –" I stopped yelling suddenly. Huh? Gilbert was talking to me. I sneered at him. "What's it to you?"

Ignoring the attitude in my response, Gilbert continued asking questions. "And you're starting at the local high school along with your brother soon, right?"

"If you're asking only out of mere curiosity, I don't feel like continuing to answer!" I felt Feliciano's grip on me loosen up. So I ripped myself from his grasp and gave everyone one last glare. Ugh, if attacking just ends up in me being restrained, then I'm out of here! Seeing Ludfag and knowing he and my brother are supposedly going out makes me sick to the stomach. Without further ado, I left the house. "Damn you all!"

As I made my way out the door, I could hear Gilbert laughing. Laughing at me..! Asshole.


Don't you dare assume I was running away! Leaving and running away are two different things, okay? Anyway, that scene there... it was the declaration of war. The first battle is yet to come, dammit! And I'm going to win that battle. The next one too.

It's not that I don't want my fratellino to be happy. I just would rather he be happy with someone I approved of. That's understandable, isn't it? Well, it is. Hmph.

Though it wasn't just the declaration of war that occurred that day.

That day would forever remain embedded in my memory for a different reason. The reason wasn't anything to do with the unfortunate fact that my fratellino has retarded taste in men. Nor was it the fact that Ludwig was reintroduced to me not as Feliciano's potato bastard friend but as Feliciano's potato bastard butt buddy. Those were memories I'd rather delete anyway. No, that day was significant for this reason and this reason alone.

For it was the day I'd met Gilbert Beilschmidt.


The meeting itself wasn't really anything of significance. It was the fact we had met that was significant. I mean, I was just firing off profanities and wanting to murder Ludwig while Gilbert simply watched on in amusement. He pissed me off with his smirking and his laughing and so on. Bastard wasn't taking my behaviour seriously, dammit! I was being serious! He's fortunate I didn't really murder his brother that day! I would've totally done it! Ugh.

It was a couple of weeks later that I realised I'd truly made an impact on Gilbert Beilschmidt.

You see, Feliciano is in his first year of high school this year while I'm starting my second year. The previous year I was attending a different school. It was a private school but well, I wasn't doing too brilliantly. To put it plainly, my grades were total and utter shit. Then Feliciano made some friends from some other school called Hetalia Boys' High. Retarded name, I know. Those friends were Ludwig Beilschmidt and Kiku Honda.

They seemed harmless at first, I guess. Ludwig was going to be a freshman like my brother. He wasn't actually a Hetalia Boys' High student when he and Feliciano met, but he was going to go there. Kiku was a freshman at the time too. Ludwig and Kiku weren't loud individuals and I saw that Ludwig looked out for Feliciano a lot of the time. He always gave me this look that suggested he wanted to say something, but he never really did say anything. I kind of didn't care. Kiku was reserved and quiet. Occasionally he and I talked. I guess out of those two, I preferred Kiku.

One day I'd run into Kiku in the streets and we chatted, yeah. The topic of Feliciano and Ludwig came up. He said something about Feliciano and Ludwig going to see a movie. Then he muttered something about being a third wheel. Man, only now do I realise what he meant. But I didn't get what he meant at the time and this put me on edge, wondering what was between Ludwig and my brother, my fratellino. Kiku didn't explain further.

Then he said Feliciano had chosen to go to Hetalia Boys' High, so he could hang out with him and Ludwig more.

This bothered me a lot. I'd asked my parents about it and they said Feliciano was allowed to choose whichever high school he wanted. I was pissed off. They never gave me a choice! Even though I had shit grades, they still pushed me into a school that was too difficult for me. I was the worst student. When they did those lists of the top students, I was never there. Instead I was on a different list; the list of students who needed to redo their exams due to failure. That was where I belonged. It was like they were making a spectacle of the fact that I can't achieve anything.

But they would grant Feliciano the happiness of being with friends at a school where he wouldn't be the worst student at all? I felt insulted. So so insulted. How could my parents do that to me? I knew Feliciano was the family favourite; I knew that but... how could they keep rubbing it in?

So I did it. I demanded that I go to Hetalia Boys' High too. I protested. I yelled. I screamed. I sulked. I did everything in my power to be transferred over to that school. My efforts paid off. My second year of high school would no longer be at a fucking difficult so-called prestigious school.

Instead it would be at Hetalia Boys' High where I would be the 'fag's brother' or something. Great. Just great! And after the performance I made to switch over to the school to keep an eye on Feliciano, Ludwig just had to butt on in there too! Why did he have to fall for my brother? Why does everyone fall for my brother? When we arrived on the first day, I already saw some eyes being made at him. I'd wish for girls to be around, except they'd all just fuss over Feliciano instead, I bet. And if someone thought all of that was bad, things just had to get worse.

Oh yes.

I was placed in the same class as Gilbert Beilschmidt.

Cue the look of horror.

But wait, we haven't even reached the tip of the iceberg.

You know how on the first day, we're sorted into our classes and we get our seats and we do our introductions? Yeah, I was never going to forget this. And neither was the rest of the class. In fact, the moment was burned into the memories of all who were in the room, there to witness what happened.

It wasn't the fact Kiku had been placed into my class too.

Nor was my introduction anything to marvel at. Just the ordinary 'my name is Lovino Vargas; I went to Allievo Academy last year' and some shit about my interests. Nothing special, really. Though I suppose the fact I went to a different school the previous year may have interested a few people. Ugh, they probably think I'm some kind of retard, switching from a nerdy fancy school to this dump. Actually, I kind of agree with this thought. Damn.

Getting off track.

The introduction that left an impression the most was none other than Gilbert's. His desk was right behind mine and after I sat down, he stood up. I sensed a shift in the atmosphere. The other students stared at him with mixed expressions etched on their faces. I guess it didn't surprise me. Gilbert did strike me as one of those infamous types.

But I never expected the words that then proceeded to pour out of his mouth.

"Yo! My name is Gilbert Beilschmidt and I'm incredibly awesome!" From the get-go, he is already oozing arrogance and I think I already want to bash his skull with my chair. "Not that you don't already know... Uh, let's see..." his eyes scanned the classroom and he sighed. "Damn, I don't think any of you are awesome enough to be worth my time... So if you have anything to pass onto me, do so via Lovino Vargas here! Awesome, sussed!" And with that, he sat down again with a smug grin.

Wait, what?

Did he just assign me as his fucking secretary or something? Dude, just because you can't be fucked interacting with most of these guys doesn't mean I have to put up with them in place of you! I was about to voice a protest when the teacher awkwardly told the next student behind Gilbert to stand up and talk. Ugh, I'll definitely yell at him later. But now everyone thinks I'm actually associated with that goddamn Gilbert! I can see it now. The misconceptions, the misunderstandings, the misinterpretations. Shit, if everyone knows about Feliciano and Ludwig, are they going to assume there's something between me and Gilbert? No! I'm not having any of that! That would be shit!


I spent most of the day glued to my seat, fuming. What a bastard. My first day and I already want to hang everyone, pelt rotten tomatoes at their faces and roast them while they're still barely alive. Then the bell for lunch went.

Gilbert was aggravatingly quick to leap out of his seat and exit the classroom. I would've chased after him if it weren't for some bastard grabbing my shoulder and pulling me back. Turning to face him, I realised it was the idiot who sat behind Gilbert, Alfred Jones or something like that. Kiku was with him. With a sigh, I agreed to get lunch with them. Kiku's decent, I guess. Checking my cellphone, I saw I got twenty texts from Feliciano announcing random happenings such as getting into Ludwig's class, already being invited to join some school clubs and so on. I announced this to Kiku, who replied that I should consider joining some clubs too.

Alfred was quick to agree. "Yeah! Hey Lovi –" I was quick to correct him – "you should consider the baseball club!"

"It's a shit sport," I told him bluntly. Alfred simply erupted into laughter at this. Ugh, if he's like Gilbert... "Anyway, I'm not interested in sports."

"Too bad!" Alfred replied, shoving a burger into his mouth. Seriously? A burger? Poor taste. "In that case," he talked while he had a mouthful of food, "you should tell Gilbert to join the baseball club!"

I scowled at him. "Look, I don't care what the shit Gilbert said! I'm not his fucking messenger, dammit! Go ask him yourself!" Kiku looked at me sympathetically. Alfred raised an eyebrow.

"Okay! But ah... why did he mention you in his introduction?" Ugh, wouldn't we all like to know! "Do you know each other outside of school? I mean, you were going really red when he mentioned ya!" Then he burst out laughing again. "Yeah, you looked like that!"

Fuck, I was NOT going red just then! And I definitely wasn't turning red when Gilbert brought my name up in his stupid intro! Why the fuck would I go red over something like that? As I started boiling with rage again, Kiku then brought the building tension down.

"I am friends with the brothers of Lovino-san and Gilbert-san. They know each other because their brothers are um..." he shuffled about awkwardly in his seat. "...best friends." Ah, he wasn't going to tell Alfred about the true details of Feliciano and Ludwig's relationship. I guess that was relieving. Alfred didn't need to know the truth. He looked like the type who would tell everyone.

"Still! That introduction was something! Are you close with Gilbert?" Alfred and Kiku both stared at me. Fuck, they both want answers.

"No!" I was quick to answer. "I don't even know him that well, dammit!"

Kiku blinked. "...Well, he's certainly interested in you."

"Why would he be?"

Alfred chuckled again. "You're making that face again!" I continued to yell at the two, trying to grasp why Gilbert would mention me in his introduction as if I was some kind of subordinate. When I gave up yelling and Alfred's laughter died down, he decided to tell me about Gilbert, having realised I didn't actually know a lot about him. "Uh, you could say he's a massive freak. He doesn't seem to have any friends, but he claims fiercely that he's too awesome for anyone. Last year's introduction consisted of him listing off the qualities he deemed worthy of him. Time travellers, espers, sliders and aliens, he said! Of course, there was nobody like that at the school, so he became a loner, a troublemaker at that too."

"So he's a total loser. Wow, who didn't catch that memo?" I rolled my eyes.

Time travellers, espers, sliders and aliens? Those don't exist. What an idiot. No wonder he ended up alone. I can already envision the previous year. Gilbert wouldn't settle for less than unusual and so he ended up with less than ordinary. The trouble he caused would've probably been a cry for attention but the whole 'too awesome' thing was his way of covering his loneliness up or something. But the idiot brought it upon himself, dammit. I bet that's how it is. Wait, I'm not trying to understand this Gilbert bastard or anything...

Again, Alfred laughed. Ugh, does he find everything funny or something? "Anyway, last year Gilbert joined every single club. He only lasted a few days per club, despite the fact that he's actually pretty good. The baseball club I'm a member of had tried for ages to get him to return, but he said we weren't awesome enough! It was a total insult! Definitely wasn't awesome of him. I mean, not even I, the Hero of the baseball club could convince him. If I can't do it, no one can."

"So why did you ask me to ask him earlier?" I folded my arms and glowered.

He rested his elbow on the desk and his head on his hand and smiled at me. Tch, I don't like that idiot expression on his face. "You're different, Lovino!" I felt my face heat up at this retarded comment. Different! Different how? Just because I went to a rich-bitch school last year doesn't make me any differe – "Ahaha! You do pull that face a lot!"

And the next thing he knew, I had shoved one of my pizza slices directly into his face. Annoying bastard deserved it.

There was a silence as the burger bastard peeled the slice of his face. He looked at it, laughed again and proceeded to eat it, thanking me for sharing my lunch.

Fucking bastard.

Kiku chuckled at the both of us. He looked content, sitting and watching Alfred and I converse while he eats his weirdo Asian junk. Noticing me now staring at him, he chose to speak up. "Ah, Alfred-san is right though. Gilbert-san is a rather curious individual. He has asked out many girls and he's very persistent until she agrees. But then he always breaks up with her not long after."

Alfred's eyes widened. "I remember that! He did that all throughout middle school and last year! But wasn't there one girl who consistently kept on rejecting him to the point that he simply gave up?"

"Not long after he made it clear that he'd given up, she suddenly transferred into Allievo Academy..." Kiku pointed out. "Her name was Elizabeta, wasn't it?"

"I know her!" I cut in. They both looked at me. "What? I used to go to that school, assholes. Anyway, she transferred midyear and provided no explanation. It was sure weird and all but uh... she's nice."

"She is!" Alfred agreed, beaming at me. "Wow, small world!" Too small a world, in fact. "She became well known as 'the Rejecter' after the whole thing going on with her and Gilbert. Everyone at Hetalia Girls' High admired her over that. Actually, Gilbert did stop asking others out after that. I think he got pretty depressed. Finally got a taste of his own medicine, don't you think? Considerably he spent ages dating and dumping."

"I guess..." I get the feeling Gilbert was just killing time. I glanced off to the side; Gilbert didn't seem to be coming back.

"Hey Lovino, you're not a time traveller or anything, right?"

I spat out my drink in front of me. Unfortunately for Kiku, I was looking at him at that exact moment. "What the shit, Alfred? I'm not! Why would you ask something like that?"

He laughed. "Poor Kiku!" Reaching into his pocket for a handkerchief or something, he answered my question. "Because that's the type of person Gilbert claimed to be interested in! You're obviously of some significance to him; I thought that could've meant you were one. Or are you an esper? Alien? Which is it?"

"None of those things!" I snapped. He looked disappointed. Kiku frantically wiped at his own face before frowning at his lunchbox. Oops, some of the drink I spat out went straight into his lunch. It's Alfred's fault for asking retarded questions!

"...Maybe you really are, but you're just not telling me!"

"I'm not; I'm really not!"

"...Then I don't get it. Hey, see if you can get Gilbert to at lunch with you tomorrow!"


"I'll shout you free pizza after school this Friday!" Free pizza? I looked at him suspiciously. "You can choose. Any place; any toppings... I'll buy it for you!"

"...Fine. But if you don't hold up your end of the bargain, I'll rip your head off. Got it?"

He laughed. "I'm a hero! Heroes would never not uphold their end of a deal! We've got a power promise!"



Alfred and Kiku did become people I spent a lot of time with. But on the second day of school, neither of them stuck around for lunch. I don't think that's why Alfred told me to hang out with Gilbert though. Quite frankly, I'd much rather eat by myself. Whatever; I'll see if I can get that free pizza. Just as I was going to get up and approach Gilbert, I was stopped by none other than the class president, Ivan Braginski.

Well, not really. A lot of people in this class were in the same class the previous year and Ivan was the class president then. People seemed to think he would be class president again this year. I couldn't care less.

"You're friends with Gilbert, da?" Okay, never mind a hello. Shit, Ivan's actually really tall... If I remembered right, there's a rumour or two flying around that Alfred has a thing for this guy. But if you asked Alfred about it, he'd just laugh at you. Meh, I don't see why anyone would have a thing for this guy anyway. He's wearing a ridiculously large non-regulation scarf and has a nose the size of my hand or something. I shit you not.

"Not at all," I responded huffily. Ivan really wasn't the first to ask this. As I walked around the school, I could already feel all eyes on me. I really didn't need to be known by everyone, dammit.

Gilbert was about to head out of the classroom like yesterday, but he stopped to watch Ivan and I interact. Ivan just wanted me to pass on some notices. But he noticed that Gilbert wasn't leaving, so he suddenly took the notices off me again and thrust them into his hands. And with that, he left instead. Gilbert glanced down at the notices and then at me. Realising this was my chance; I strode on up to him.

"Ciao bastardo!" I greeted him, narrowing my eyes. He frowned. Was it because I insulted him? If so, great! "Are you going out again?"

"Ja!" he nodded, tearing the notices he was given into shreds. Then he suddenly grinned. "Want to join me? You're always free to bask in my awesomeness."

I faked a smile; my eye twitched. "Don't make me throw you out the window, bastard~!" Gilbert raised an eyebrow. I sighed. "What the fuck was with yesterday's introduction? You barely know me. The only time you saw me; I was pissed off because of our brothers."

"I know!" Gilbert started to walk. I walked alongside him, though I died inside at the attention we attracted just by being seen together. Fucking high schools and their shit. All gossiping like women. "But uh... you were sure something! Just one look at my brother and you were already riled up! It was pretty memorable. And not much seems to be memorable these days..." That irritated me, coming from him of all people. "But then you appear with that behaviour! It was pretty hilarious. I thought it was a... bit awesome. And anyway, you're the brother of my brother's boyfriend. Your brother's a good kid. I want to get along with both you and him. You should be honoured!"

Did he just say something other than him was awesome..? Wait, he said I was memorable and that was 'awesome', didn't he? I definitely wasn't going red, dammit! Ugh, of course he likes my brother too... moreso than me, I bet. Not that I care or anything.

"...Well, I think you're a total and utter bastard! Do you even like the idea of your potato bastard brother dating my brother?" I really wanted Gilbert to agree with me and say they were horrible together.

"I think they're great together!" he grinned. "And I know you disagree!"

Remind me never to set such high expectations for Gilbert ever again.


We trailed into the school cafeteria and Gilbert ordered everything that contained potatoes. Ew, figures he'd be a potato freak too. Awful taste. I decided to ask him what those notices were about. He blinked.

"Clubs wanting to recruit."

"You didn't want to join?"

"I did last year, but they were stupid and had stupid people. I'm not going back there." He sighed and started off by eating his potato top pie. Gross. In between mouthfuls, he'd talk. "I mean, you need to feel it's worth going to keep going, right? If there's something about it that makes you look forward to it less, then there's no point. I want awesome, you know?"

No, I don't really know.

"Then go make it yourself; I don't care."


We both went quiet as Gilbert tapped his chin in thought. But the silence irritated me, so I decided to break it.

"So I heard you made a strange introduction in your freshman year too..." I mentioned with a rather flat, disinterested tone. Dammit, what was Alfred's real reason for wanting me to hang out with him? I doubt he actually cares about whether Gilbert has friends or not.

"Did I? You tell me!"

I scowled. "You did. Freak, you wanted time travellers and the like to appear!"

He nodded. "Wouldn't it be awesome?"

"...They don't exist," I replied bluntly. Finally he frowned. He muttered something but I didn't hear it. "Care to speak louder, dumbass?"

"Ugh, don't worry!" he shoved more potato salad into his gob. I rolled my eyes. "Anyway, they could exist. Otherwise I'm running out of points."


The bastard continued eating, choosing not to answer me. Fine! Be that way! I really don't care. With a sigh, I folded my arms and urged for the bell signalling the end of lunchtime to ring. It wasn't ringing. When Gilbert finished his potato salad, he looked up at me again. "Don't have your own food to eat?" I shook my head; I'd left it back in the classroom, dammit. "Then here." He shuffled in his pockets and pulled out some money and flung it at me. A crumpled up ten dollar note. He saw my expression. "You look ridiculous. Just take it."

With a sigh, I went and ordered some pasta. I returned with it and sat down again, keeping the change for myself. He never asked for it back! I tasted the pasta. Guh, not that good. But it's pasta, so it wasn't completely disgusting. I ate it all.

Gilbert and I ate the rest of lunch in silence. It was freaking weird. I expected Gilbert to be more of a chatterbox, but instead he appeared lost in thought. He kept looking at me strangely. Then he'd smirk whenever he realised I was staring at him. Freaking bastard. I absolutely detest that smirk!

But I surprised myself.

I really did expect to hate him a hell lot more than I did... Then again, his brother Ludwig did take up a lot of my hate-power. Shit, it shouldn't be this limited!


Oh god, when I think about it, it was probably that day that really triggered it all. I approached him and I talked to him and I even spent time with him. And the bastard gave me money to buy my own lunch. It probably sealed everything. As far as the school were concerned, Gilbert and I were friends. I didn't think so. I blatantly didn't think so! And I got the feeling Gilbert Beilschmidt didn't give a shit either way.

Alfred did buy me that pizza by the way. Honestly, I could make a great account of what happened there. Except that would be a different story. If it mattered enough, I would mention it. But it's irrelevant to Gilbert and I. Alfred does quiz me a lot about what happens whenever Gilbert and I hung out.

You know what? Fuck it; I don't think Ivan's the one Alfred's interested in. With the way he keeps asking me about Gilbert, I'd say he has a crush on the potato bastard instead! Ivan also asked me to try and get Gilbert more involved in interacting with the rest of the class. He said it was good that I'd befriended him. Like I said, everyone now was under that misconception that I actually was and wanted to be friends with Gilbert. That really isn't how it is! Really!

Interestingly enough, Gilbert told me to shut up the instant I brought up Elizabeta. Hell, the mention of her name made him angry. It was kind of freaky, really. I didn't think that pissed off look suited him at all. So I decided not to question him further and managed to ease the discussion into a debate over why tomatoes were clearly superior to potatoes. I reckon I won that debate. Just saying.

But everytime Gilbert smirked, I just knew it was me who would be feeling pissed off next.


What was happening now? Oh right, Gilbert had pressed me up against a wall in front of many other students with a rather predatory glint in his eyes. This had to be the gayest thing ever, fucking hell. "Lovino Vargas," he breathed my name. Ugh, it sounds weird coming from him. "I want you... I want you so badly..." I could see a couple students snickering from the corner of my eyes. The rest were just gawking.

I scowled up at him. "What do you want me for, bastard?"

He pulled away and stared at me. "So you'll let me have you? Fuck, that was easy."

"I didn't say that," I grumbled, rolling my eyes. At least he let go of me. People were still staring though. So I gave them killer glares. Shit, that didn't actually work. Don't tell me: my face has gone all red and I can't be taken seriously anymore? "What do you want, dammit?"

"I want you..." he leaned in towards me, too close for comfort. I backed off slightly. Goddamn fag. "...for my club. BAMF Squad."

"BAMF Squad," I repeated. Okay, what the fuck kind of name is that? That had to be the most retarded name for a club ever! There's no way the school would allow a club to be named that anyway!

"Ja! I'll mark you down as the first member!" And with that, he took me by my school tie and yanked me along with him. Where we were headed, I had no clue. Hell, I don't even remember agreeing to any of this! But if I tried to stop following him, I'd choke. What the hell is the BAMF part of BAMF Squad supposed to stand for? Bad-Ass Mother Fucker? There's definitely no way the school would allow that name for a club! I'm content not joining, dammit! So why would Gilbert-


Fuck. It was my idea, wasn't it? When I told him to make his own. But it shut him up for a while, didn't it? Looks like I've triggered a fucking apocalypse instead. Way to go, Lovino Vargas.

I really should consider transferring out again.


Gilbert: Ha! Next time on 'The Assumption of Lovino Vargas' - eh, how come he gets to be the one mentioned in the title?

Lovino: My assumption; not yours. Anyway, it looks like I've been officially dragged into the BAMF Squad - wait, fratellino's boyfriend is joining too? Fuck, I'm lea-

Gilbert: Oh, if you want to leave, I'll ask Feliciano to join instead!

Lovino: ...Ugh! I'm only here to prevent that potato bastard getting alone time with my fratellino! Wait, who's this smiley bastard you're dragging into the group?

Gilbert: Antonio Fernandez Carriedo! He's bound to attract the masses!

Antonio: Hmm? How so, Gilly~?

Lovino: Well, for starters, you guys are NOT going out looking like that!

Gilbert: Oh, I'm not! Antonio is!

Lovino: What?

Gilbert: Next time on 'The Assumption of Lovino Vargas' is... 'The Awesomeness of Gil-

Lovino: Liar. It's 'The Attraction of Lovino Vargas'. Arrivederci.

And with a dorky next-episode style preview, you know you want to review! *shot*

Anyway, until next time, adios!