Hey! Here I am, already with an update, haha. I guess I'm just inspired to write this fic at the moment. Wonder how long that'll last, hmm? Thanks a heap for the reviews and faves and alerts! Perhaps some of those alerts/faves could translate into reviews, eh? ;D /shot/

Anyway, I don't have much to say at this stage. So you can start reading now~



the attraction of lovino vargas.

I got dragged down the hallway, down the stairs, down another hallway, down some more stairs and finally out of the main school building and towards a separate building altogether. Apparently this building was some kind of clubrooms building, where all the different clubs in the school could have their own personal meeting place. The rooms that were unused were either ignored or taken by students for studying. I heard only one room in the building was being unused.

From the look of things, this silver-haired potato brain intended to make that room the clubroom for his BARF Squad or whatever he was calling it. Oh, and he appeared to be under the false assumption that I wanted to join his stupid club.

For the record, I want nothing to do with his club and I want nothing to do with Gilbert Beilschmidt.

But at the same time, it was true that I felt curious. Part of me wanted to see where all this would go and what would happen. Eventually Gilbert and I reached that one leftover room and burst on inside. Once we were in, Gilbert flung me to the side and I smacked into an empty bookcase. Fucking hell, could he at least be more careful when he discards people? It's not like tossing litter onto a sidewalk. I'm a human being, for god's sake!

Pressing my hands against the shelf to stand upright again, it finally occurred to me that we had walked in on someone studying. That someone was someone I didn't wish to see. In fact, I was making a point of avoiding the bastard.

"Hey bro!" Gilbert greeted him with enthusiasm in his voice.

Fuck! Why is Ludwig Potato Bastardschmidt here?

It seemed as though I'd said that aloud, because the blonde bastard was now staring at me, his blue eyes twitching. "Are you okay, Lovino?" he asked. Huh? Of course, I'm not..! He reached into his bag and pulled out a packet of tissues. "Your nose is bleeding..!" What? No, it isn- oh hell, it is. He stood up and headed towards me and began to dab at my nose with his tissues. I slapped his hands away and yelled at him not to touch me, snatching his tissues and retreating to a corner of the room. Ludwig sighed and turned to face his brother again. "Bruder, be more careful when handling other people! Lovino isn't a ragdoll to be tossed aside."

"That's right! I'm not!" I agreed in a sulky tone. "...Not that I'm agreeing with Ludfag or anything..!"

Gilbert laughed. "I know, I know! Anyway, you secured the room! Great!"

Ah, so that's why Ludwig's here.

"I did..." he exhaled, picking up his textbooks and placing them in his bag again. "I promised to have lunch with Feliciano, so I'll be taking my leave now."

I shuffled in front of the doorway and spread my arms out; making it clear my intent was to block him from doing so. "Nah-uh! Stay away from my brother, dammit! I don't want you anywhere near him!" Yes! I'm managing to make eye contact with him. The bastard has no choice but to take me seriously.

Except that the next thing I knew, Gilbert shoved Ludwig onto me with the shout of, "Aw! His arms are open to embrace ya, bro!" What the fucking shit, that's far from the truth! I collapsed against the door and I managed to put my arms in front of me in an attempt to stop Ludwig from falling into me. Instead my hands ended up pressed to his chest and his face inches from mine. Gilbert, I am going to fucking murder you! It was that moment where I realised the difference between Ludwig and I though. He's... muscular. He's tall. This build of his... It's fucking overpowering. I felt weak. Also I hated the fact that it only really occurred to me while my hands were on his chest.

Ludwig was the one to straighten up first. He stood there for a moment with pink spreading across his cheeks. Ugh, I guess it was double awkward for him. I'm well aware I look similar to my brother after all.

He frowned over at Gilbert. "Bruder, can you refrain from doing that? Show Lovino more respect. I said I would join, but Lovino won't want to if he's treated like this." Suddenly the mischievous glint in Gilbert's eyes disappeared and his face fell. His howling laugh died down at those words. "I'll be out late tonight. Lovino, if Feliciano didn't tell you already, then it's because uh... w-w-we're going out to-tonight..." Man, he couldn't be any more awkward saying those last four words.

Wait a second; Feliciano didn't mention any of this shit to me! But any upset expression on Gilbert's face had now vanished and his smirk returned. Ah, that's better. I mean uh, I didn't want him looking sad. Then I'd be obligated to do something about it; I don't want to comfort an idiot potato freak.

"If you need me out of the house for the night, let me know!" Gilbert chuckled. If he's implying what I think he's implying..! Ludwig went bright red. Oh hell, he imply what I thought he was implying!

"Th-that won't be necessary..!" he glanced at me, looking sympathetic. No, that's a false sympathetic look, dammit! "Anyway, I have to go. Take care, Lovino." Then he nodded at his brother and left the room. Oh yeah, I'd long since cleared from the door. It seems that if I try to physically obscure his path, shit happens to me. So I've given up on that tactic.

Whatever, Gilbert's smaller than his brother so I'll throttle him instead. I need payback for my nosebleed and for being shoved into the guy I hate most of all! Those thoughts flew out the window however, as Gilbert took me by the wrist and sat me down in a chair. He sat across from me and leaned back, propping his feet up on the table. Bastard, fall backwards and smack your head on the floor, okay?

"I lied to you, Lovino."

Wow, that has got to be the worst conversation opener ever. I felt thoughts relating to throttling bounce back to the surface of my mind again.

"Remind me why I haven't killed you yet!" If I could, I'd definitely throw this table at him right now! How much further does he plan to piss me off?

"Ah yeah, shoving you into a bookcase wasn't the most awesome thing in the world..." he rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. "But this is way worse."

"Oh really?" I folded my arms. "How so, bastard?"

"You aren't the first member of BAMF Squad. I lied. Ludwig is."

...Why the fuck would I care about that? "I didn't even say I'd join, dammit!"

Gilbert smirked at me. "This group I'm planning to run is going to take up most afternoons after school! If Ludwig's part of the group, he can't go on dates with Feliciano."

"So? You know very well how much I despise your brother! He's hogging my fratellino, dammit! The one looking after Feliciano is supposed to be me!" I snapped. Why did this only make Gilbert's grin wider, dammit? "What's your point?"

"Ludwig is a useful brother. I convinced him to do all the paperwork and shit. He's well aware of what it means; being away from Feliciano more and limiting their time to class, lunch and the occasional weekend..." When I asked for a point, I meant a point. So Gilbert's club is being fucking convenient in taking Ludwig away from my brother, so what? "But I want awesome members in the BAMF Squad. I want a Vargas. I want you. But if you won't join, I'll ask your brother to join instead."

What? So is that the point? So if I'm not in the club, Feliciano will be? And if this club is running every afternoon after school during the week that would mean Ludwig and Feliciano would get to spend time during class, during lunchtime, afterschool and the weekends. Their relationship would be escalating more and more during the school term. With that sort of development going on, they'll be married and adopting three children by fucking Christmas! However, if I'm there instead of Feliciano, I would be preventing such a thing from happening. Gilbert knew all of that. He's well aware of all of this. That bastard is fucking manipulating me into joining his stupid club! But why? Why me of all people? I still don't get it.

"I'm not having my fratellino getting involved in any shady groups. Don't you dare have him join," I replied, narrowing my eyes at him seriously. "I'll join for the sake of protecting my fratellino and getting between him and your brother. Got it? Those are my only reasons!"

Gilbert swung his feet off the table and beamed at me. "So you'll join! Awesome!" I shot him my best disgusted look. "Right! I'll tell you what BAMF stands for!" Upon hearing this, I leaned forward curiously. Huh, then I guess it doesn't stand for the obvious. "Beyond Awesome with Extreme Mad Skills and an Epic Fanbase!"


That's right. I had been rendered completely and utterly speechless. The retardedness of it all just killed my ability to speak dead. Was I supposed to look amazed? Is this the part where I'm meant to laugh? Gilbert seriously thought about names and this was what he concluded to be the best. Fucking hell, I know it's got to be the case but I don't want to believe it. I really don't.

Ignoring my expression, he continued to speak. "That would normally become BAWEMSAAEF is what you're probably thinking." No Gilbert, you're way off mark. Trust me. "But that's too long to say, isn't it? So it's BAMF instead! The awesome part is that everyone will just assume its meaning to be 'badass motherfucker' but only awesome people will know what it really stands for! Haha, I think it's pretty clever! What do you think?"

I agreed to join this group. This could be my one opportunity to voice protest to the name. It's a retarded name and is in dire need of urgent change. There's no way I'm telling people that I've joined a group at school known as the BAMF Squad, dammit!

Like I said though, my speech died a horrible and brutal death.

He waited for an answer. We both waited. No answer. Fuck. "Oh! So awesome it rendered you speechless?" I shook my head. "...You don't have to be shy about it, you know." Again, I shook my head. "Then what?" he frowned.

"...You killed my brain. That name murdered all my brain cells..." I finally spoke.

"...In a good way or bad?"

"How can you murder brain cells in a good way?"

"What would you suggest as an alternative name then?"


I'm stuck with being part of the Beyond Awesome with Extreme Mad Skills and an Epic Fanbase Squad. BAMF Squad. It's as bad as it sounds, no, worse. And because Gilbert and I spent so much time debating on what a fitting name for the club would be, lunch ended before I could even grasp what the hell the club was actually for. Whatever it was, it was going to be awesome. And I'm talking Gilbert's idea of awesome, not my own.

Then I tried to think about what I found awesome and what Gilbert probably found awesome. And I spent the rest of the day thinking about it. When I got home, I remembered that Feliciano was out with the potato fag and so I didn't have anyone to distract me from these thoughts.

And I reached a conclusion.

No matter what angle I approached these thoughts from, I couldn't deny that there was an appeal to the way Gilbert Beilschmidt viewed life. He appeared to want extraordinary events to happen and supernatural beings to appear to him. I think a part of me wanted the same long ago, just to break away from the excruciating difficulties of conforming to a normal life. Never did I think I was special and I didn't feel a need to make a spectacle of myself either.

So I suppose one could argue that Gilbert, a guy who liked to call himself awesome and wish for amazing things, was someone who embodied the sorts of crap I wanted. Maybe a small part of me envied him. Well, the majority of me would deny all of this bullshit. But I guess there's no harm in pondering these things, right? Would be embarrassing if someone had been reading my mind this entire time...

If Gilbert thought for even a second that I was maybe sort of kinda jealous of him, he'd probably crow about it for months.


"Ve! Fratello; Ludwig told me you and him are going to be in a club with Gilbert~!"

"Fratellino, get the fuck out of my room! I was trying to sleep, dammit!"

"Eh? Oh! Spiacente!"

"...Fucking hell, it's past midnight! Why are you back so late?"

"The night was so nice that we took a walk along the beach and held hands and... Um... Oh! We lost track of time and then we kis-"

"I don't need details, dammit!"

"But you asked why I was back so la-"

"Shut up, dammit!"

"Ve~ so what's the club about~?"

"It's about you getting the fuck out of my room, now go!"

"Really? I don't thi-"

"Both of you be quiet! We're trying to sleep!" And that was our mother telling both Feliciano and I to shut up.


It was the next day of school, and before I could even enter the classroom I was slammed against the door. Gilbert, if I've lost most of my brain cells due to this, you better hope the remaining cells aren't wired on the idea of murdering you. Because quite regularly, I really want to, dammit! Thankfully for me, Gilbert wasn't doing the gay thing and pressing up against me or shoving his brother onto me or whatever. This time he was just grabbing my attention.

Of course he was grabbing my attention in a violent and extremely infuriating kind of way, but I guess it worked. I rubbed my nose and realised he had brought someone with him.

"Look what I've collected!" Gilbert exclaimed with a grin. He presented the other person to me; who looked to be either our year or the one above. I eyed him up and down as he radiated sunshine at me. It's a wonder I wasn't blinded. "His name is Antonio Fernandez Carriedo! He's in his third year but he's also new! I caught him all spaced out just five minutes ago! Aren't I awesome?"

Caught him..? Oh god, if this is really his way of recruiting members... then I thought about how I was strung along. Fuck, his means of acquiring members really are this stupid!

Antonio must've been more willing than I was though. The sun was an accurate way of describing him, I guess. He smiled and smiled and I hated to admit it, but he was oozing cuteness. Guh, he won't stop smiling at me. I don't know whether to melt into his gaze or be absolutely pissed off with him, dammit! He didn't look anything special. And then he spoke.

"Hola! So you're a member of the BAMF Squad too?" Antonio stared at me curiously, his smile far from disappearing. Oh fuck, he just had to be Spanish too. Stupid hair. Stupid tan. Stupid dreamboat looks. I just know I'm going to be insecure around this idiot. And I must've nodded because he continued speaking. "Ah! Nice to meet you, um..?"

"L-L-Lovino..!" I stuttered out. Oh my fucking god, I must seem like the biggest fag.

Then the Spaniard stared at me, his expression switching from radiating happiness to a look of total adoration. Shit, he's giving me that look! Fuck, with that look within what must be a minute of having met me, I should be expecting a marriage proposal from him at the end of the day! There's no way I'm accepting that proposal, just for the record.

Suddenly, Antonio grabbed at Gilbert's arm and jabbed his finger in my direction. "Look, Gilly~! That face..! It's... It's like a tomato!"

Oh hell.

Trust Gilbert to pick a freak to join the BAMF Squad.

Gilbert gazed at me. "Heh! You're right, Toni!" Wait a second. They've known each other for five minutes and already they're addressing each other with such familiarity? Screw it; they're a match made in heaven. Though that would make for a retarded heaven. But a match made in hell doesn't sound quite right either... The point I'm trying to make is that I know Gilbert wants 'awesome people' in his stupid club and if he's getting along with Antonio like this, then he must find Antonio awesome for whatever reason.

My thoughts were rudely interrupting by Gilbert suddenly grabbing at my cheeks and asking why I go red so easily. "G-Get your hands off me, dumbass!" I shoved him away only to have Antonio's finger start prodding at my left cheek. Oh hell... "Stop that, bastard!"

"Bastard..? So mean, Lovi... Can I call you Lovi? Is it okay if I call you Lovi? You can call me Toni too if you want~!" Oh hell, he's just overloading me with questions and statements! I can barely keep up, dammit.

"No calling me Lovi, dammit! Just stop poking my face!" I snapped before swinging the classroom door wide open and slamming it behind me. The students inside all stared at me strangely. Alfred burst out laughing at my expression. "Don't you dare comment, Alfred Fatass Jones!"

"Man! The bell for class hasn't even gone but you're behaving like that! We're in for quite a day!" Alfred commented; the rest of the class looked to be in agreement. Well, fuck.

On the bright side, I have until lunchtime to suss this new development out in my head. I dislike class work, but since Gilbert's leapt into my life I've needed a distraction. How depressing that this class work and shit has become my refuge time. And I never thought I'd think that!

The BAMF Squad has four members now. One more is needed to go towards the club being registered into the school. Unfortunately this is Gilbert and he has a way of getting things he wants. The members need to be regular members too, but with Gilbert's behaviour all members will be forced to regularly attend club meetings. I tried to think about the members themselves. After all, I would be seeing them regularly.

Gilbert I've thought enough about. Annoyingly stupid. Wants to encounter supernatural shit. Has a penchant for the word 'awesome'. Is too rough and probably likes it tha – oh hell, I am not going to even think about that. Don't go there, Lovino.

Ludwig is there and I don't know why. Does Gilbert think he's awesome? Or just convenient for making up the numbers? I didn't think Ludwig was so easily pushed over by his brother though. Not that I care; this club is decreasing the time Ludwig gets with my brother.

And finally is this guy I barely know who happens to be new despite this being his final year of high school. An odd time to change schools. His family must have shit going on with their occupations or whatever. Antonio Fernandez Carriedo. He looked like the kind of guy who would set girls' hearts aflutter with that sickeningly sweet smile. And the idiot look he gave me just because my face went red again..! What the shit was with that? Screw it; he must be a flaming gay with that attitude of his! No wonder he switched over to Hetalia Boys' High.

Why was I feeling so insulting? I mean... for a second I... don't think I minded Antonio all that much. But realising I didn't mind only freaked me out, didn't it? Still, I can already see that 'Gilly' and 'Toni' are going to make for an incredibly obnoxious combination...

Lunchtime arrived and the first thing Gilbert did was sprint out the door. Alfred left for baseball practise and I was stuck having lunch with Kiku. He made some comments about my life reminding him of some anime. I asked him how so and he went quiet. Maybe he didn't know how to explain it? No, I don't think that was it. His expression was thoughtful; I don't think he deemed it right to tell me. So I asked for the name of the anime. He smiled at me slightly.

"The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya."


Just as I was about to go home and illegally download this so-called anime for the sole purpose of seeing whether my life was similar to it, Gilbert had grabbed me by the back of my shirt collar and dragged me off to the clubroom. Oh yeah, he arrived back for the last period of school. What the hell is he doing out of school anyway? Chances were that it related to the BAMF Squad.

And arriving in the clubroom, I realised I was correct. Ludwig was placing an assortment of drinks in a mini-refrigerator and Antonio was plugging in cords to the wall as part of the process of setting up a television and video gaming console. There were bookshelves filled with video games, board games and books as well. Hell, there was even a bird cage hanging from the wall with a yellow canary inside it. Gilbert explained to me as I laid my eyes upon it that the bird's name was Gilbird and that he was potentially the most important member of the club.

Many questions immediately popped up. Regarding things like how the club needed five human members to be accepted, not four humans and a stupid bird. But looking at all the new items that had been brought into the clubroom, the main question on my mind was…

"Gilbert, are you planning on living here?"

Gilbert and Antonio both laughed at this question with the former shaking his head. "No! I'd need a bed for that! But aren't I awesome, acquiring all this stuff? Actually I got Ludwig to go and get it all; he spent most of the day out of school doing so."

I stared incredulously at Ludwig. "How the shit did you afford all of this?" Gilbert shrugged at this question as Ludwig provided no proper answer. I glanced at Antonio, who simply smiled back at me. Ugh, does he ever not smile? I looked away quickly, slapping at my cheeks to rid myself of the blush that began to form. Damn it, why did Gilbert have to pick a guy like him? I don't want to have nice people in this club! Then I'll find myself wanting to go and I don't want to sink that low! "Anyway, why's Antonio here?"

"Isn't it obvious? He's a club member," Gilbert replied rather blankly.

"Antonio, why the hell would you join? Do you even know what this club does?" I don't get these other two members. Ludwig probably joined because it's his brother who asked but Antonio appeared to have no logical reason to be here. Even though they're obviously fast friends, it seemed like too spontaneous of a decision.

The Spaniard thought about it for a quick moment, pressing a finger to his lips. "I don't! But that's okay! Gilbert seems like a fun person; I hope to get along with Ludwig too! And of course you too, Lovinito~!" And he just won a one-way ticket to receiving a whack to the back of his head. "Ow! Did I say something wrong?"

"L-Lovino, dammit!" I corrected him furiously. I don't care that he was quick to calling Gilbert 'Gilly' but there's no way he's treating me with the same familiarity too!

"Don't you like having a nickname?" he looked a tiny bit upset. Oh god, I got rid of the smile for a moment! And it felt like a guilt-trip of some kind, dammit.

"Don't you like nicknames?" Gilbert jumped into our conversation, looking left out. I scowled at the both of them. It's not that I don't like nicknames… I guess I'm not used to them. So I decided that without an answer that I was willing to give, changing the subject seemed like the ideal option. Wait, Antonio didn't give Ludwig a nickname! What is up with that?

"Uh... So what the shit does this club do?" I asked after a moment of failing at life. As in I stuttered. Ew. "You never did explain that properly to me either, Fagbert."

Gilbert narrowed his eyes at me. "Fagbert."

...Wow, I did just seriously call him that. Ha! "Yes! Fagbert. Fag plus Gilbert equals Fagbert."

Antonio clapped his hands together with a look of enlightenment. "It makes sense!"

"No it doesn't!" Gilbert growled at him; causing Antonio to laugh awkwardly. "I'm not a fag! Think about all the times Lovi's said 'dammit' in his life-"

"Dammit, don't call me that!" I cut in. It hadn't occurred to me that I was just adding to whatever point he was trying to make.

"- and double that. I've had that many girlfriends!" Gilbert finished, folding his arms and frowning. Ludwig sighed.

"You've had about fifteen girlfriends, bruder. The longest you lasted with one was about a week with the shortest was five minutes. You had sex with about three of them and I've walked in on you twice, once you were on the couch..." And after saying all of that, Ludwig twitched as if traumatised by the memory. Dude, holy shit. Gilbert's love life is better than mine..! But ew, I would hate to walk in on Gilbert having sex with anybody. That would scar me permanently. "...And without any exception, you were the one to break it off."

"Gilbert, I think I hate you..." I muttered, wanting to disbelieve Ludwig's words. But the way he said it, I couldn't help but believe it.

"Kesesese~" Gilbert laughed, clearly proud of all that. Sheesh, what a slut. Though it did seem to stop after he got turned down by Elizabeta Héderváry... But trying to ask him about it made him get all pissed off. Must've been a huge blow to his ego, though I felt it was much needed. "Oh! To answer your earlier question, the BAMF Squad is all about awesome!"


Oh for fuck's sake, I'm never going to know.

Ludwig stood up and tossed a can of soda to Gilbert. They exchanged looks and the younger of the potato bastards paced over to me. Gah, don't come closer..! I took a step back and he stopped. "So you joined without asking about that?" I shook my head, suddenly feeling pretty idiotic. Antonio admitted that he didn't ask either.

"My club's so awesome people wanna join even if they're out of the loop~!" Gilbert exclaimed. Oh shut up, it's your fault nobody knows shit. You force them to join without bothering to explain anything. It's a wonder if Ludwig knows.

And the bastard knows. So Gilbert will explain his stupid club to Ludwig but not to me or Antonio? Great, just great.

"My bruder wants to discover extraordinary things. He for some reason thinks that there are supernatural beings such as time travellers, espers and aliens in this world," Ludwig explained. Why am I not surprised? Though if Gilbert seriously expects us to find those things for him, he's got another thing coming! "I happen to disagree." Oh joy, one of the potatoes has common sense.

"That's where he's wrong! Right, Antonio?" Gilbert prompted an instant "Right!" from the Spaniard. So that's half of the BAMF Squad that don't believe in those things and half (the idiot duo) that do. "I'm going to prove it too! But first..." The red-eyed bastard walked over to a hanger and pulled an outfit off it. Shit, I only just noticed that! And the outfit happened to be... a giant chick costume. Chick as in the bird. Like Gilbird in the cage hanging off the ceiling. Oh fuck. "Antonio."


"Put this on!"

"No!" I snapped. What kind of third year high school student goes around wearing a baby bird costume? It'll only looking retarded! Gilbert and Antonio both stared at me.

"...You wanna wear it instead?" The pair asked in unison.


So Antonio put on the stupid costume without any form of argument. Why was he so willing to go along with this shit? It pissed me off. If it were me, I'd have screamed and protested. They'd have to knock me out or kill me to get me into that goddamn costume.

The biggest problem was that somehow, the costume was kind of... adorable. Antonio looked like a total idiot though, his face just barely poking out, still with that smile of his. Does he like wearing this shit? I don't really want to know. Gilbert adored the costume though and was hugging the chick!Antonio with glee. Ludwig and I exchanged looks and sighed. Oh fuck, I actually had a shared moment with him of all people. Ew.

"Antonio, you have no idea how awesome you look!" Gilbert was grinning from ear to ear. "Look, Lovi! The costume's so squishy! Hug him!"

"No." My response was deadpan.

Antonio laughed and flapped his 'wings'. "If you won't hug me, I'll just hug you instead~!" And with that, he came at me and tackled me to the floor. Was that supposed to be a hug? I froze though, realising his face was only inches from mine. "Ah sorry! I was too forceful, Lovinito!"

"Get the shit off of me..!" I screamed. A moment later we had both scrambled to our feet – though Antonio needed Ludwig and Gilbert's help to do so, what with the retarded costume and all. "What the shit is with that costume?"

Gilbert had a glint in his eye. "The reason why I brought Antonio here was because... well, in every strange situation, there's always an attractive guy and shit around! Like, the smiles and the sparkles and all that! I mean, not to say I don't fill that role enough on my own but..." He grabbed at Antonio again. "Look at this guy! He smiles enough smiles to feed starving children!" Er... what? "And even though you can't see it in this costume, his ass is amazing! I'm saying that as a friend, Toni."

"I know, Gilly!" Antonio beamed at him.

Oh fuck, these two. So Gilbert grabbed Antonio and recruited him for the BAMF Squad because he's a gorgeous Spaniard with a great ass. Huh, I kind of want to see this so called amazing ass. And I swear I'm only saying that as a nothing more than a fellow club member who wants to know whether Gilbert is telling the truth or not. Just thought I'd clarify.

Superficial reasoning though. Whatever.

Though when I think about it, looking at Antonio, maybe I could see where Gilbert was coming from... Oh fuck, I did not just think that! Shut the fuck up, Lovino..!

"Anyway! We're off to recruit members using the power of cute. See ya later!" And with that, Gilbert took off and out the door with Antonio in tow. Ludwig and I were left alone. This just keeps getting worse.

"Can we just leave?" I asked, plopping myself down on one of the chairs; Ludwig sat across from me.

"My bruder wouldn't like that. They'll take a while though," he replied. Then he folded his arms. "I would like to discuss something with you though. Please don't be difficult. I'm well aware how you feel about me, but this is important. It's regarding my true identity and Gilbert."

I wanted to protest and leave, but the deadly serious look in Ludwig's bright blue eyes compelled me to stay. The fuck? So yeah, I chose to let him speak. How could I not? We had to wait so I guess Ludwig's unimportant shit can waste time for the both of us.

"Go," I said, prompting him to talk.

He looked uneasy. Hell, it took him a whole minute to think about his words and work out a beginning. Guess it is somewhat important. True identity? Fuck, has he been lying to my brother about who he really is? Now I'm seriously concerned.

"...Gilbert and I aren't what you would consider ordinary humans."

"Duh, you're potato basta – " Oh, that's not what he means.

He tapped his fingers on the desk and his foot on the floor. Guess there was no easy way to explain whatever? "Gilbert and I are different from people such as yourself, Feliciano, Kiku or even Antonio. Though Antonio's different too. Uh... I have taken on the identity of Ludwig Beilschmidt three years ago. You could say that I am a humanoid interface created by the Data Overmind, the supervisor of this galaxy."

...Huh? Confusion's an understatement for my current feelings. Still, with that serious expression of his, he continued to speak.

"During the past three years, the situation was fairly stable with only one disruption that was easily taken care of. But now an even more irregular factor has appeared and interacted with Gilbert." Ludwig looked me dead in the eyes now. "I'm referring to you." Me? I'm an irregular factor? Sheesh, insults are just getting more and more ridiculous these days. Sorry I'm not regular enough for Gilbert..! Hmph! "In any case, the Data Overmind is in a sense, the entire universe. It's data but it evolves over the years as it collects more and more knowledge. It has no tangible form. Uh... I'd explain it with more technical terms but I want you to understand. The Data Overmind is interested in humans on Earth and the possibility that they possess the potential of breaking free of the cul-de-sac of auto evolution. Three years ago, the Data Overmind observed a data flare unlike all others. An explosion of data where Gilbert Beilschmidt emerged at the centre of it all. The cause or effect is unknown."

He wanted me to understand. But the truth was, none of this shit was making the slightest bit of sense. So uh... there was data and evolution and Gilbert at the centre of a data explosion? Sounds fucking weird. And Gilbert goes on about wanting extraordinary things? Asshole, isn't causing a data explosion enough for you? What's a data explosion supposed to mean anyway? Wait, am I supposed to believe any of this? What the shit is a humanoid interface anyway?

...Ludwig said he didn't believe in time travellers or espers or aliens. Yet from the words he's speaking, isn't he pretty much an alien? I mean, I always knew he was a total freak but... but this is something else. On a scale of one to what the shit, this stuff I'm hearing is what the shit.

"He is unaware of this. Gilbert can trigger torrents of data rapidly and at random too. The Overmind believes he is the key to auto evolution. I have been created along with others so the Overmind can have a means of interacting with Gilbert Beilschmidt, to observe him. Because Gilbert can control his surrounding environment when he desires it so. That is why I'm here. Why you're here."

There was a long silence.


Yeah, for all the essays Ludwig had just spouted at me, that was all I had to offer in return. He sighed and glanced around the room rather awkwardly. Then he continued.

"It's difficult to convey all of the thought process of the Data Overmind. Sorry."

"...I don't understand any of the shit you spewed out," I replied bluntly. "What the shit is this? You're fucking around with my brain here! And why are you telling me this, assuming I'm believing this crap?"

"The conclusion we have made is that you have been chosen by Gilbert Beilschmidt. Whether he is aware of it or not. There must be a reason why an ordinary human such as yourself would be chosen to be a part of this club he has created."

I shook my head. "I don't think so! Gilbert seems to be doing this shit entirely on a whim. I'm not special or any of that shit. He wanted 'awesome people'. I don't think anyone in the BAMF Squad is like that."

"Still, it is believed you are the key to Gilbert Beilschmidt, whether you like it or not. You have been chosen."

With a growl, I shot up to my feet. This shit he's trying to have me believe..! I knew well enough that Ludwig wasn't the type to pull practical jokes and feed me lies like that. But just because he believes in this stuff doesn't mean I have to agree. I'm part of the BAMF Squad because Gilbert would have my brother join instead if I didn't. Duh!

"And you, Ludwig Beilschmidt, are a fucking idiot! Data Overmind? Take your data theories and suck it!" And with that, I made my leave.

How could I believe any of it? It just didn't make any sense to me. But it only secured the fact that the Beilschmidt family were made up of freaks. Ludwig didn't bother coming after me. Perhaps I'd talked him back in his place. Ha, that's the way it should be.

But what happened to him caring about Gilbert being mad at the prospect of us leaving before he and Antonio got back?

Upon seeing Gilbert and Antonio at the front gate bothering other students trying to leave with shit to do with the BAMF Squad, I made a dash for one of the other exits out the school. I mulled over Ludwig's words and came to the conclusion that Gilbert had warped his mind with this stuff. But I suppose that would contradict the whole 'Gilbert isn't aware that his brother thinks he's an alien and caused a data ka-boom' junk he was trying to feed me. Hmph.

A tiny part of me decided to stay quiet on all of this though. I got home and I saw my brother making a start on cooking dinner. My mouth opened and I expected all this shit about Ludwig thinking he's an alien to spill out. But not a sound escaped my lips. I wondered why.

My brother always looks sad whenever I diss Ludwig or claim he's taking him away from me. In fact, whenever Ludwig's name popped up in conversation, Feliciano would smile, but there would be sadness behind that smile. And when he looks at Ludwig, the idiot's clearly in love. But he has this fearful look in his eyes as if Ludwig was going to get up and leave. When I slumped down on my bed, I realised what kept me from talking to Feliciano about it.

Ludwig's an alien. He is not an ordinary human like Feliciano or me. Just knowing that alone was enough to realise that he was never meant to stay with us.

Yet one question was seriously pissing me off.

If he's an alien that's here to observe Gilbert, then why the shit is he going out with Feliciano Vargas?


Gilbert: Next time, on 'The Assumption of Lovino Vargas'! What the? Look Lovi, a transfer student!

Lovino: A what?

Gilbert: Capture time!

Lovino: Huh? Wait, but... oh fuck, he looks to be getting along with the idiot duo...

Ivan: I don't feel like the data being observed is satisfactory. I'd like to trigger a torrent of data that will actually provide us with a better knowledge. It would be useful, da?

Lovino: So why are you calling me out, not Gilbert?

Ludwig: Wait Lovino, don't go with him!

Gilbert: Next up is 'The Murder Attempt on Lovino Vargas!' Waha, Lovi, you're in for some fun!

Lovino: ...the fuck?