Title: A Purely Academic-Driven Proposal
Spoilers: Not really.
Disclaimer: BBT does not belong to me.
A/N: This is pretty much a mash-up of a couple of prompts from Paradox's latest Kink Meme. I hope you all enjoy it. Also, I would like to thank all of you who took the time to comment on my other fic, The Mathematics of Matchmaking. I truly appreciate it and a second, as well as final, chapter will be posted soon.
Summary: Sheldon is curious about human mating rituals.
It was practically a monsoon outside as the rain poured non-stop over the city, but that was hardly important, especially when Sheldon Cooper was naked and in her bed. Although, a naked man in her bed was not uncommon, but his girlfriend sitting on a chair not even six feet away definitely was. Amy seemed completely unruffled by what was going on, as she scribbled on her notepad and suggested a change in position or technique.
Penny looked down at the tall and lanky physicist under her and briefly wondered just how the hell she ended up in such a situation. Unfortunately, her train of thought was soon derailed as large hands settled over her breast. He squeezed them gently, and then with more pressure, moving them forward and then apart, as well as to the left and to the right in unison. Blinking down at his hand on her chest, she looked over at Amy who nodded encouragingly and then back at her chest again.
"I smell pizza! Wait – how did you get anyone to deliver in this weather?"
Sheldon smugly smirked at Amy as he took the pizza out of the oven and placed it on a cooling rack.
"I told you the scent of pizza would lure her over like a drug-sniffing canine."
"Hello, bestie, and actually it's not delivery… it's digiorno."
"Oh, I see what you did there, you answered her query by cleverly using the product's slogan."
Letting out a breathy chuckle, he shook his head in amusement.
"When highly amuse his laughter resembles that of an overweight asthmatic child."
Grinning, Penny decided that those who lived in glass houses should not throw stones, especially when she was prone to snorting when highly amused. Besides, it was kind of endearing in a childish sort of way.
"Once the pizza has been removed form the oven it's advisable to wait at least ten minutes before eating, thus allowing the cheese to cool long enough to avoid the risk of painful and uncomfortable lacerations to the tongue. Leonard and I learned that the hard way after the great pizza debacle of 2007."
"Speaking of Leonard. I actually came over to let you know that his flight was cancelled and he won't be able to catch another one until tomorrow night."
"Did he say what time exactly? If it's past my bedtime then you're going to have to pick him up by yourself. I refuse to have my REM cycle disrupted."
"Geez, relax, I'm not sure what time his flight will get in, but whatever, I have no problem picking him up by myself."
"Good, I'm glad we settled that… and I believe our pizza is ready for consumption. Penny – will you please be so kind as to grab some plates? Preferably, the ones on the top shelf."
Shrugging, she rose onto the tip of her toes and brought down the plates – completely missing his curious appraising gaze.
"Is it normal for women to be hairless down there?"
"Some women prefer to the natural look and refrain from trimming or removing all together their pubic hair."
"Are you also hairless?"
Amy shook her head. "I prefer to trim only. I find that completely removing all pubic hair is far too much maintenance."
Penny blushed, it was one thing having a man between her thighs getting busy, but it was quite another to have someone just starring down there.
"Sheldon – are you going to stare at it all day?"
"My apologies for staring… may I touch it?"
Blushing even deeper than before, she nodded. "Sure, I mean, that's kind of the purpose of this entire… situation."
"You want me to what?"
"I can assure you that this is strictly for scientific purposes."
"Precisely, all in the name of science." Sheldon added, as he came to stand by Amy, both looking at Penny expectantly.
"So go observe one of your monkeys!"
Amy shook her head, "although that could be arranged, Sheldon and I are specifically curious about human mating rituals."
"Then go watch porn! Seriously, this is ridiculous!"
Frowning, Amy shook her head vehemently, "I'm sorry Sheldon, but I simply cannot do this. I find it highly objectionable to lie to my best friend."
"Amy! We agreed that this was the best course of action!"
"Once again, I apologize for compromising your plan, but best friends do not lie to each other. As current popular slang indicates, one should always put bros before hoes."
"Are you calling me a… hoe?"
"No offense, but yes, I am."
"Whooooa" Penny drew out, "will one of you explain what's going on here? 'Cause I'm lost!"
"Sheldon wishes to partake in sexual intercourse."
"As a purely scientific endeavor," he added hastily, his left eye beginning to slightly twitch. He was fooling no one.
Penny pinched the bridge of her nose, feeling a major headache coming on. Normally, she would have blown a serious fuse and gone all Nebraska on them, but these were definitely not normal circumstances. She wasn't dealing with some sleazy creep trying to pick her up in an overcrowded nightclub, but rather two insanely smart individuals who for all the brains they possessed, completely failed to get it. Perhaps to them it seemed like a simple enough request – he wanted to have sex and she actually knew how and well, but that hardly meant it was a good idea.
"Sheldon… I'm sorry, but I can't help you out with that. I don't want to ruin our friendship."
Once her words registered, his twitching stop completely, as his posture stiffened and his head cocked to the side. Unlike him, Penny was extremely capable of reading body language, and once he clasped his hands behind his back, she knew that it was on – he was officially in lecture mode.
"Penny, Penny, Penny…"
"Sheldon, Sheldon, Sheldon," she retorted sharply, her hands gravitating to her hips.
"I fail to understand how partaking in co… sexual intercourse could possibly ruin our friendship. May I point out that you and Leonard were in a carnal relationship for almost a year and you've managed to remain good friends, despite the fact that you 'stomped all over his heart'. I for one am above developing any sort of romantic feelings towards your person and may I add that you once mentioned that you too are capable of doing the same when we discussed the fundamental elements of friends with benefits. Although, that is not the case, I'm only proposing one night of sexual intercourse in order to satisfy my purely academic-drive curiosity."
Penny blinked and then narrowed her eyes, "Okay, yeah, I've had a few fuck buddies – big deal! Also, let me point out that I so did not stomp on Leonard's heart. I realized that we weren't compatible and instead of stringing him along and giving him false hope, I made a very tough decision. I care for him deeply and I would never intentionally hurt him and as for you… why can't Amy help you? Having sex is kind of the point of having a girlfriend."
"That is not possible," Amy supplied in her even tone, "I signed a legally binding agreement with the prince that strictly stipulates that I remain a virgin until the marriage is consummated and although I greatly value my relationship with Sheldon, not being decapitated ranks considerably higher."
Sheldon nodded in agreement, "naturally."
Penny's mouth opened and closed as she realizing that they actually might end up convincing her.
"Huh… well, I'll be damned."
Penny almost came when she heard the low moan that escaped his throat. Not only was his mouth on what had to be the most intimate and private part of her body, but he was also enjoying it. His moans grew louder, as he placed one hand on each of her thighs and held her firmly in place – his tongue laving her clit with just the perfect amount of pressure to make her eyes roll up into her head.
"Oh…" she managed to gasp as she ran her hand through the short strands on his head and her pelvis rocked upwards into his glorious mouth.
"Insert a finger into her vaginal canal and wait until it adjusts accordingly to the intrusion, if her body is amendable introduce another finger. Carefully navigate both fingers and curl them upwards in order to hit a particularly sponge-like spot which is commonly known as the g-spot."
"God," Penny crooned as her every cell in her body lit up. "Right there… right there," she began to chant in a throaty voice.
"Make sure to continue your ministration on her clitoris with your tongue. The combine stimuli from both actions should lead her to orgasm."
"Let me get this clear. You and I are going to have sex and Amy is going to watch?"
"Yes, normally, I take my own notes, but given the circumstances, I think it would be more effective for someone else to do so."
"Okay, but only notes, no cameras or anything."
"Only notes," he assured her and pulled his shirt over his head.
His head lolled back when she took him into her mouth and his hands gravitated towards her hair.
"Having no prior experience in receiving fellatio, Sheldon seems to be responding like any normal male."
Letting go of his length, she pulled back from him and giggled at his groan of protest.
"Don't worry, I'm not done with you yet, I just need to lay down some ground rules before we go any further."
Sheldon groan again, but nodded for her to continue.
"Okay, first thing first, you can touch my hair, I have no problem with that, but under no circumstances are you allow to pull at it. Some guys like doing that, but I find it degrading and painful."
Amy scribbled onto her notepad as she pumped him with her hand. Lowering her mouth back onto him, she swirled her tongue over his tip and sucked until her cheeks were hollow. Normally, she hated giving blowjobs and considered them a necessary evil, but there was something undeniably hot about reducing Sheldon into a whimpering mess that made her ache with want – her own moans vibrating along his length as she rubbed her clit at the same time. Unfortunately, such multitasking had never been her strong suit, as she always ended up slacking on one thing and concentrating more on the other.
Pulling away once again, she brought a finger to his lips and smiled. "I've got a better… more mutually satisfying idea."
"You like them – don't you?"
"I find them quite… enjoyable. I believe I'm starting to finally understand Wolowitz fixation. Are you nipples always this hard?"
Penny groaned as he rolled one nipple and brought his mouth to another.
"Normally no, but then again, most guys completely bypass this part… oh, yeah, just suck them like that."
Sitting up straighter than before, he wrapped an arm around her waist and continued to feast on her breast – his long fingers tweaking and rolling whichever he deprived of the delicious hot confines of his mouth.
Her hips began to rock against his rising length and she couldn't help but notice just how soft his hair was as it rubbed against her chin.
Very slowly, she slid down his length, her body accommodating to the intrusion. His eyes closed and his grip on her hips tighten.
"Sweet suffering… the texture and the heat… absolutely fascinating."
Penny grinned and squeezed him with her internal muscles, causing his eyes to snap open. Placing a hand on his shoulders, she lifted herself and then dropped back down onto him, her hips rolling as she did so.
"Giddy up, 'cause this rodeo just got started!"
"That is a very interesting tattoo," Amy pointed at her derrière.
"It still isn't courage."
"I know, but when I finally saved up to fix it, courage just didn't seem appropriate anymore."
"What did it say before?"
Sheldon smirked, "soup."
"Hey," she smacked his bare arm. "It's not funny."
"I'd have to disagree with you, bestie, it's actually quite amusing."
"Whatever, anyway, I decided that strength was far more appropriate."
"Yes, it is far more suitable, although that's not what it says on your buttock."
Penny twisted around in order to look at it, "but I printed it out and everything… that son of a bitch!"
"Do we need a condom?"
"I'm on the pill, but we can use one if you feel more comfortable."
Surprisingly, he declined her offer.
"I read that condoms dull the sensations and ultimately hinders the entire experience."
"Penny – do you normally use condoms with men?" Amy asked from her corner – her pencil poise to document her answer.
"At first, it's a must, but if things start to get serious, then the glove can come off. Although, it kind of depends on the guy and his sexual history… let's just say that I know I have nothing to worry about with Sheldon."
"I can assure you that I am completely clean."
"Have you ever been with a virgin?"
Penny smiled, "yeah, my first time… we were both virgins. It was sweet and very special."
"Because you were both virgins?"
"Not really, more because he was my first love. We actually dated all through middle school and once we were juniors we decided that it was time."
Amy continued to write, "Did it involve the back seat of a car? I find that most 'first times' involve a motor vehicle."
Penny actually laughed, her breast jiggling.
Somewhere between thrusting and groaning and sweating their lips met and everything around her was reduced to the mounting pleasure that was spreading from her center to every extremity of her body and the feel of his lips upon hers. He grabbed her lower lip and sucked it, his tongue accidentally brushing against it and causing her legs to tighten around his waist.
They continued to move until they both climaxed – his body stiffening and dropping onto hers in a breathless heap.
"Penny, Penny, Penny," he whispered against her ear as she closed her eyes.
He might have been the one with the eidetic memory, but there was no way she was ever going to forget what just happened.
"Thanks for picking me up, the last thing I wanted was to take a cab back home."
Sheldon wrinkled his nose, "they can be very unsanitary. They should wipe down the seats after each customer, but I highly doubt they do. Good grief, all those germs!"
"I think what Sheldon is trying to say is: sure, no problem! What are friends for?"
Leonard leaned back against the backseat and sighed, "so what were you guys up to while I was gone – anything interesting happen?"
"Nothing out of ordinary…" Sheldon drawled as he gazed out the window, "although, Penny did assist with an experiment."
"Yeah, it was fun."
"Indeed and very educational."
"And the results?"
Penny hummed, her green eyes focused on the upcoming exit.
"Damn, we're gong to be late."
Sheldon took in the congestion of vehicles in front of them.
"I wouldn't worry about it, we still have plenty of time before Leonard's flight arrives."
"Thanks for coming with me."
"It's no bother."
"What about your REM cycle?"
"I might have exaggerated…."
"Whoa! Are pigs flying?"
"I don't follow," he frowned in confusion.
Penny rolled her eyes and waved her hand, "forget it, I was just surprised that you actually admitted being wrong."
"I did not, I merely expressed that I might have exaggerated in regards to my REM cycle."
"Whatever, tomato… tomatoe. Oh come on, don't pout! Hey, let's play the periodic table game."
"Penny - remember the legally binding agreement?"
"Yeah… kind of weird, but I guess that's how they roll in Saudi Arabia."
Sheldon nodded, "a logical assumption."
Penny merely smirked. He was being nice to her and she wondered how long it would last. Surely, the endorphins would wear off soon, but meantime, she might as well enjoy it.
"Besides remaining a virgin, the agreement also stipulates that she is to move to Saudi Arabia."
"No, within three years."
"And marry him, right? She mentioned something about consummating the marriage."
"Yes, precisely and in light of that situation, I believe it would be prudent of me to plan accordingly."
She motioned for him to keep going, as traffic finally began to pick up.
"Penny, I found yesterday to be highly enjoyable and I wouldn't be adverse in shifting our relationship paradigm in order to accommodate such activities on a permanent basis. Of course, once Amy has relocated to Saudi Arabia."
"And she's okay with that?"
"Let me get this – you want to start a relationship with me once Amy moves to Saudi Arabia? Like a real relationship that involves sex and hugging and all that emotional crap you usually don't care for."
"Precisely, although for my mother's sake I would like to incorporate marriage."
"And what about the meantime?"
"I was hoping that things remain the same, but that you refrain from engaging in co… sexual intercourse with other men."
"To be completely honest… I couldn't bare it."
Penny gripped the steering wheel and carefully merged two lanes in order to pull over to the side of the road. Turning to face him, she cupped his face in her hands and leaned in to kiss him.