Feel For You

Part 1

By: Jessarie

Disclaimer: I own neither the characters herein nor their setting only plot.


The first time I felt something other than pure hatred was shocking to say the least. It was a strange day. I had just found out that you were not really a Death Eater. You had been a spy, our spy, and my spy almost as long as Severus. It was your first time in Order Headquarters, and you looked rather worn out. I saw in your eyes, normally cold and gray how hard you had been working. Working to keep me safe until I could kill Voldemort. Someone said something about a late night, but I don't remember all that was said. Only your words, "We have to keep fighting, even if He doesn't know we are. For Harry's sake." This is how I knew.

How I thought of anything other than you still surprises me sometimes. It scares me to think about the feelings I have for you. You probably won't ever read this or see it for that matter, but I can't help but wonder if you did how you would react. How would you react to me telling you "I love you"? How would you feel? How would you tell me you couldn't love me? How would my world come crashing down? How would the end come so much sooner? I would like to think that they is a chance you would want me, but I can't. I can't see you loving me. I can't see the possibilities because they don't really exist.

People want their Savior, The-Boy-Who-Lived, not Harry. No one ever wants just me. No one can see behind the shit that I was born into. No one can see the truth or the pain and it hurts me to say I need someone who can. I think if given the chance you could be that person, but that chance doesn't exist. You will not want me, what point is there to tell you all that is inside of me just to get shot down or used.

I need the pain. The real pain. The pain that accompanies undeniable pleasure. I need to feel. Feel the truth. That someone loves me enough to want to be in me. To take me and make me their own. I need life and love and all the happiness. I wish I could tell you how much I love you and how much I want you to be the one to fill my every need, but once again, I am scared. Scared of hoping, scared of living, scared of telling the truth and having you walk away, scared of not telling you and regretting it for the rest of my life. I need to tell you. I want to tell you. But to speak those words is unbearable if I will be rejected. Maybe one day, I'll send you this… for now, at least my true feeling exist, if only on paper.

A/N: Like I said before, never done anything like this. I hope I captured Harry okay and maybe gave enough of a hint as to who he's writing about. I am unsure where this is headed or if anymore will be written. It was just something that popped into my head and refused to leave. :)