Disclaimer: I don't own CSI. I don't want to, really.
I had always had a bit of a soft spot for Sara Sidle. When she confessed she desired a relationship with me, I wasn't sure what to think. Emotions, especially love, were not something I always comprehended easily. My job didn't allow for emotions to get in the way, and I rarely let them.
Contrary to what my team would have people believe I wasn't unfeeling. I rarely showed my emotions, another side effect of the job, but I did I had always made sure they were genuine. When I rebuffed Sara's advances I was surprised by my own pain when I saw the hurt in her eyes. She was nearly as dedicated as I was to the job. I came home alone that morning, and for the first time I questioned my lonely existence.
That was the first time I didn't sleep because of Sara. I spent the day trying to talk myself out of it, out of letting myself fall for her. I knew it would change everything. My perspective on life, the easy banter of my team, how cases were divvied up, even my relationship with my dog. I could see the advantages of a potential relationship as well, but at that moment they didn't seem to outweigh the risks.
Weeks turned into months and I found myself noticing more and more about her. The way she walked, the way she brushed the hair out of her face when she was leaning over some evidence, the easiness between her and Greg. The last one sparked a fit of jealousy that surprised me. I didn't like seeing her in such close contact with another man. It should have bothered me that I was registering emotion without consciously feeling it, but it didn't. I knew the truth, even though I wanted to admit to no one but myself. I was falling in love with her.
It was seeing that body. It looked so much like Sara. For the most terrifying moment in time I thought it was her. I had had to go outside to make sure she was still there. Obsession took hold, and I had to figure out who had killed this woman. I had known who did it, but the evidence was sketchy at best, and the suspect's lawyer was good. There was nothing I could do. That was the moment I realized I had to let myself be. I had to let myself love Sara.
The relationship formed slowly. We were both so unused to human companionship that slow was the only way to go. When she was kidnapped I was scared beyond sanity. I was so sure of my team's powers of observation that it never even occurred to me that they didn't know. The silence that greeted me when I announced Sara was the only person I ever loved surprised me. Apparently their powers of observation only extended to their jobs, not their personal lives, or anyone else for that matter.
Her note broke my heart, but I knew she'd come back when she was ready. With everything she had been through she deserved a break. However it didn't take me long to realize I'd been working too hard for too long. I was tired. Perhaps a leave of absence was in order. Only a few months, so I could get my head in order. I had always wanted to go to Costa Rica.
So I went. When I saw her come towards me in the jungle I was happier than I had ever been. Research and the woman I loved by my side. It was perfect so I stayed. Now being with her back in Vegas I was back to being lonely. It had taken some time to get used to it, but I was there. I didn't mind seeing her only once a month, not when I had spent so many years with no one. I missed her, but I had always known that work would take precedence over her relationship.
When Natalie had taken Sara hostage, and the aftermath that followed, including Warrick's death, I had believed for a split second that that might change. For a short time it had, but forensics was Sara's passion. I couldn't keep her from that. I loved her, she loved her job first and me second. I knew though it was better to love someone and only get part of them then to love no one at all, and so I knew I would remain content until the day I died.