Full Summary: Hatake Kakashi wasn't sure how he ended up here, in a world with machines that roared as they moved and exploded and flew and people that spoke languages he'd never heard of. But he did know that the only connection he had to his own world was the apartment he landed in, the book he found, and the cantankerous young woman that wants nothing to do with the strange man that invaded her home. Too bad he isn't giving her a choice. Aberration in reverse; a short series in the modern adventures of the ninja and his reluctant host. KakashixOC
Okay, for those of you looking at this story and thinking WTF, this is a sort of companion piece to my other story Aberration. Sort of. Because this is only a light-hearted attempt at humor and a side indulgence for the Aberration fans that complain about not having enough Kakashi and Rae interactions. If you haven't read Aberration, then you probably won't like it even a little nor really get some of it.
In other words, not to be taken seriously. Just shut up and read it and leave.
If Rae had known that bringing home a manga book would have such consequences, she might have spat in the face of the woman behind the counter of the bookstore who had recommended it. Really, she had been looking for a good romance novel that apparently didn't exist, and the woman had started chatting about her daughter and the books she loved to read. This somehow ended up in the dark-haired woman purchasing the first volume in the Naruto series and, upon returning to her small apartment, tossing it on the couch without another thought. Then she ate dinner, set her alarm, and went to bed.
In all, nothing to indicate anything out of the ordinary. Except she was woken in the middle of the night by a loud crash and she shot up in her bed, fumbling around for a light and a can of pepper spray she kept in her dresser. Both items in hand, Rae cautiously walked down the hall, freezing at the sight in her living room.
A tall, shadowy figure was bent over her couch. In the pale moonlight shining through the window she almost swore the top of his head was a ghostly white. At her approach the figure whirled, revealing a masked man with one dark and and one blood-red eye that gleamed unnaturally.
Rae swallowed and took a step back. "W-What do you think you're doing?" She demanded, holding up the spray threateningly. "Get out!" His mismatched eyes narrowed, the object in his hands seeming to disappear.
"Anata dare?" A low voice growled. Rae stared for a moment until he took a step forward. "Anata dare?" She stuttered, memories of the language scattering in the wake of terror.
"Who... Who are you?" She struggled with the Japanese. "Do... Do not stay! Leave!" Not exactly the greatest dialect in the world, but she hoped he got the message. He glared coldly for a moment before he was suddenly gone, leaving Rae to fumble with the light switch until the room was illuminated. There was no trace that the man had been there, no sign of the crash she had heard, and as she made a quick inventory of her possessions, she noted that the only thing missing was the manga book she had purchased.
"... I hope he gets an infected paper cut."
The next few days passed without too much incident. Rae went to her two jobs, went home, and realized there was a small bloodstain on her couch that hadn't been there before. She stared at it for a long moment before deciding her mysterious intruder had been bleeding. Good. Except when she scrubbed at it with a wet rag and cleaners there was still a faint brown mark on the light-colored couch and she again wished bodily harm on both the man and his soon-to-be corpse.
Just a few days later, there was a dog. Rae knew she had gotten lucky with her secretary job. It had better pay than most part-time jobs and wasn't terribly demanding or taxing. Except there were days when the only thing to do was stare blankly at the wall and idly wonder what it would look like if she threw a pencil at it. Or several.
"Kuroda!" Rae jerked in her chair, nearly falling as the pencil in her hand clattered to the floor. She bent to pick it up and swore as her head hit the desk, sitting up with a scowl.
"What?" She snapped, rubbing the tender area.
"Don't get that tone with me!" Her boss, a short, round woman with red hair called from her front office. "And get that mutt out of here before I fire you!"
"Mutt?" Rae blinked and leaned over the front of her desk with a frown, only to feel her afternoon brighten considerably.
A short, brown pug with a strange headband and vest sat before the desk, staring at her blankly as her scowl melted away. "Hey there," She said softly, standing from her chair. "Where did you come from?" The pug regarded her for a moment before yawning. Rae sighed and walked around the desk, bending down and scooping up the animal. It wriggled in protest as she walked out the front door, setting it down and nodding firmly. "Go find your owner." She pointed down the street. "You're cute and I love animals, but this isn't the best place for you with the angry dwarf. Go home." Then she walked back inside the building, closing the door behind her and stopping short.
The dog was back in front of her again, what looked to be a canine version of a scowl on its face as Rae blinked owlishly. "... I think I'm going to head home early." Her voice came out slightly strangled, but she didn't care.
"That's coming from your paycheck!" Was the called reply as Rae walked out the door and down the street. Every time she looked back, the pug was following with a cross look. She walked aimlessly for an hour until she gave up and walked home, stopping in front of her door.
"Okay, dog." She snapped, folding her arms and glaring at the animal. "At first it was kind of cute, but now it's just creepy! Do something other than..." She waved a hand at his blank stare. "That!"
The pug yawned.
"Argh!" Rae yanked open her door, not even bothering to slam it as she watched the dog walk in and jump on the couch as if it owned the place. She threw her hands up, sighing heavily. "If you have an accident, I'm calling the pound." She growled. The pug snorted and flopped its head on the side of the couch. Rae scowled before her brow furrowed and she stepped forward, picking up a strange white object that sat on the couch. It felt like a hard, thick cloth between her fingers as she held up what appeared to be some sort of clothing. There were two shoulder straps on what looked to be some sort of heavy vest as she turned it over in bewilderment.
It slipped from her hands as she processed the long slash on the other side and the dried blood splattered around it. Rae stared at it for a long moment before there was a hand on her shoulder and she shrieked, snatching the attached arm and whirling with her leg stretched out. Her foot was snatched midair as the arm twisted and grabbed her own.
She found herself staring into a single dark eye before she yelled.
"GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOME!" She bit down on his arm as hard as she could, grabbing the hand on her leg when the intruder hissed in pain and released her arm. Swing her knee up, she just missed his crotch as he moved back with both eyes wide.
"Out, out OUT!" Rae yelled, lunging for his head. The next thing she knew she was suddenly on the ground, strong wire holding her knees to her chest and her arms behind her as his hand slapped over her mouth. She blinked before struggling again, trying desperately to bite his hand as she kicked her feet, throwing herself to the side.
"What do you want?" She demanded into his hand, glaring as fiercely as she could while trying not to break down. He was panting for breath as he bent down and picked her up, all but throwing her on the couch.
"Man, Kakashi," The pug suddenly spoke up in a gruff Japanese voice. "She really gave you a run for your money."
"Now now, Pakkun." The man growled back as Rae's eyes threatened to bug out of her head. "Now look, I don't want to hurt you-" He began, hand slipping away before Rae bit it with all the panic-induced strength she could muster. "Kuso!" She didn't let go even when he jerked back, though his other hand pried her jaw open with monstrous strength and she settled for spitting at him.
"I don't know you," She snarled in Japanese. "But get out! Trespasser! Thief! The second I'm free I'm calling the police! I hope you trip over your own feet into a ravine full of venomous snakes and die a slow and painful death!" The dog began snickering as the man sighed in exasperation, cradling his hand to himself as he wiped off his arm.
"I'm not a thief." He said firmly. "And I apologize for entering your home without permission-"
"I hope your corpse sinks to the bottom of the ocean and burns in hell!"
"-But I needed to talk to you." He finished calmly, ignoring her outburst. "I don't know how I got here, but you were the first person I saw and the only one I could find that speaks my language." Rae took in shuddering breaths as she processed his words, brow furrowing in confusion.
"Who are you?" She demanded at length, looking him over more carefully. He was wearing dark, baggy pants and a sleeveless shirt with the same mask over his lower face. His left eye was closed with a vertical scar over it, strange silver-colored hair dripping water on a towel draped over his shoulders. "You used my shower?"
"My name is Hatake Kakashi, jounin shinobi of Konohagakure." He seemed to be watching her for some kind of reaction, but she only stared back blankly.
"What do you want?" She repeated, feeling ill.
"I just want to talk." Kakashi said in a firm tone as he undid the metal bindings in quick motions. Rae jerked back from his hands, eyes narrowed as he sighed. "I'm a ninja, Rae-san. But I don't know how I got in your apartment nearly a week ago."
"How stupid do you think I am?" Rae growled. "I'll admit you're sneaky, but so is my landlord. There's no such things as ninjas."
"There may be no ninjas here," He walked over to a pile of bags in the corner, picking up a familiar book. "But there are in here." Naruto. She squinted her eyes at the book. Didn't that woman say it was about ninjas? He flipped open the book to a chapter that Rae blinked at.
"Hatake Kakashi." She read out loud as he handed her the book. She flipped through it, seeing a remarkable resemblance between the ninja in the book and the man watching her intently. Or as much as one could with eighty percent of his face covered and crazy spiky hair. She snorted as the book-Kakashi was pelted with a chalkboard eraser, his first words to the group being that he hated them.
"None of that happened." The man suddenly said, looking troubled. "I know who two of those children are, but from what I can see I'm giving them a test for a genin team. They're too young for that." Rae flipped through the book a bit more (why had that woman recommended this? It looked kind of obnoxious) before scoffing.
"So you cosplay." She deadpanned, snapping the book shut. "And you're insane." He looked frustrated.
"How can I prove my story?" He demanded, running a hand through his hair.
"Get back in the book." She snapped, tossing it back at him. "I probably still won't believe you, but I'll be happy."
"So would I." Kakashi retorted, clenching the book in his hand. "I want nothing more than to return to where things make sense."
"Well what am I supposed to do about it?" Rae threw up her hands. "Even if you are telling the truth, what can I do? I'm not a magician!" There was a moment where it was obvious he was trying to bore a hole through her and she was willing him and his problems to combust with her own stare.
"... Regardless," He said at length, though he seemed somewhat subdued as he let the book relax in his hand. "You and this apartment are the only connections I have. You were the one with the book."
"I didn't even read it!" Rae wished she hadn't even bought it now. "What are you going to do now? I don't know if you're a crazy fan or some kind of transporting ninja, but you can't stay here!" There was a moment of silence.
"Yes, I can." Kakashi then picked up the vest on the couch and tossed it in the corner as he pulled the towel off his shoulders, casually drying off his hair as she gaped openly.
"I'm calling the police!" She snapped, standing and marching to the phone on the wall. She dialed 911 and waited as she turned to see his reaction.
She nearly dropped the phone. Kakashi was completely gone, his belongings and dog vanished with him.
"911, what is your emergency?" Rae stuttered out a noise.
"... Sorry." She squeaked at length. "Little cousin trying to call for Santa, silly little thing. Won't happen again." She slammed the receiver down, rubbing at her eyes. Suddenly he was back, still drying his hair with the pug lazing on the couch.
"I don't know who these police are," Kakashi said nonchalantly as she stared. "But I don't think they'll appreciate if they came and I'm not here, not a single trace let behind." His eyes crinkled in an infuriating indication of a smile. "That would make you seem crazy or something." Rae's expression went blank as she tried to come up with some kind of comeback, mind fizzling into nothing.
"... If that dog craps on my carpet, you clean it up." She spat, storming into the kitchen.
"I'm an elite ninja hound!" The pug growled, sounding peeved.
"And I'm an elite paper processor! I just have less hair!" She retorted, yanking open her refrigerator. "And both of you stay out of my bedroom dammit!" She rummaged around before concluding she would need to go to the store soon.
"So what's for lunch?" Rae nearly jumped out of her skin as she spun, eyebrow twitching as Kakashi stood behind her, leaning against the doorway with a devil-may-care expression.
"No sneaking!" She snapped, shaking a spoiled celery stick at him. "Make damn noise when you move!"
"That would defeat the purpose of being a ninja." His eye sparked in amusement as she scowled before shoving the food back, closing the fridge and storming to the pantry. "But I haven't eaten for a while. What's for lunch?"
"I don't care what you're eating, but I'm eating this." She held up a can of soup as his eyebrow raised.
"... Is that food?"
"It's called easy food." She tossed to him with a sigh when his stomach growled loudly. If he was going to eat her food, she might as well show him what wasn't going to kill him. It wouldn't go down very well cleaning a dead guy from her apartment. He caught it with a bewildered expression as she pulled out another can. "I need to go to the store. I'm running out." She muttered, grabbing a bowl before a strange noise made her turn.
Kakashi was holding a strange knife as he stabbed the top of the can, ripping off the lid and eying the condensed chicken noodle soup critically. Before Rae could say anything he pulled his mask away, still hiding his face, tipping the can so the slimy insides poured where his mouth was.
She felt rather ill when he put down the empty can, grimacing as he adjusted his mask. "That was terrible." He said bluntly, picking up the can to inspect it. "And I'm fairly sure unhealthy. Are you sure these are for humans? Pakkun eats better than this." Rae regarded the can in her own hand for a long moment before sighing and throwing it in the trashcan.
"Who wants Chinese?"
The next day was a free day for Rae and she took a bus to the store, grumbling about stupid men ruining what had once been a perfectly good food arrangement. He had rejected most of her cheap, sugary cereals for breakfast much in the same way and she still went ill at the thought of Frosted Flakes. Or rather what his dog (Pakkun, the pug had growled) had done to the box with the grinning tiger on it.
"Strange mode of transportation." She jumped and whirled at the familiar voice, but the silver-haired masked man was nowhere in sight. "Is this where you usually purchase your so-called food?" A dark-haired man with a plain face and a brown sweater regarded the store before them critically. "I can smell the contamination from here."
"... Kakashi?" Rae sputtered as the man turned and winked at her.
"Just making sure my gracious host doesn't die of food poisoning." He chirped, walking forward and testing a shopping cart with a curious look before spinning it and pushing it into the store.
He crashed it into an orange stack almost instantly. The disguised man stared at the scattered fruit before shrugging and walking away with the cart, pulling out stray oranges that had fallen into it and tossing them away nonchalantly.
"That fruit smelled terrible." He commented as a nearby store worker made noises of distress at the mess. "I think there's something wrong with it." Rae rubbed her temples as Kakashi browsed the store, making faces at almost everything he saw before at length he shoved away the empty cart with a sour look.
"This store sells nothing but poison." He growled. She watched the cart crash into a stack of cans before sighing heavily.
"... I think there's a farmer's market a few blocks from here every Saturday." She said as they watched the same worker from before wail in frustration before turning to yell at Kakashi. Kakashi stared back blankly before walking away with Rae, leaving the man to turn red and clean up the chaos they'd left behind.
By the time they returned to her apartment, bags of Kakashi-approved food in their arms, Rae was ready to attempt harm on the man again. Or call the police just to give him any kind of trouble. She pulled out the fruits and vegetables she had bought, glancing at the meat and bread he was unloading.
"You know, I don't know what to do with all this." She grumbled, eying the cabbage in her hands.
"Learn to cook." Kakashi picked the vegetable from her hand before unwrapping the fish he'd bought. "You'll live longer."
"Not with you screwing with my head." She muttered darkly, though watching in fascination as he pulled a knife from the drawers and a pan, expertly slicing the fish into pieces and spreading them in the frying pan. She'd had all the cooking tools for her friend, who would occasionally come over and cook for her. And nag about how she couldn't eat microwaveable food her entire life.
As he washed the knife and pulled up various vegetables, Rae sat in the kitchen chair and watched him. It was strange, seeing a man cook in her kitchen, with his dog snoozing on her couch and what little possessions he had in her living room.
"How old are you?" She suddenly asked as the smell of the cooked meal went through her home. He added spices he'd bought and shrugged.
"Twenty-one." Rae stared for a moment before standing and going to the living room, grabbing the book and flipping through it as she walked back. He turned to watch her as she hmmed in discovery.
"It says you're twenty-six in here." She skimmed to the beginning, staring at the picture of the giant fox for a long moment. "... I'm, uh, sorry about biting you." She mumbled, closing the book. She didn't quite look up as he turned, instead focusing on his sandaled feet. Weird. "I mean, you were intruding but you didn't actually attack me and I really freaked out on you." He was silent for a moment.
"... You have really sharp teeth." Rae blinked and looked up. "Did you get them filed, or were you born with them like that?" She scowled.
"How the hell am I supposed to know?" She snapped. "I didn't do anything to make them sharp- And I just apologized, asshole!"
"You are forgiven." Kakashi returned to his work. "I'd apologize myself, but I'm fairly confident in my own reasons."
"Aren't you just fond of profanity? I'm surprised your tongue hasn't fallen out of your mouth yet." His eyes creased as he turned to smile. Rae snorted, but had to admit he was at least interesting. "On that note, I'm surprised your stomach hasn't disintegrated either. Why are all the store-bought foods contaminated?"
"It's called preservatives. And hormones. Most farmers inject them in the food."
"It's edible, dammit!"
"People in this society have brains of mush and stomachs of iron. Who would want to put hormones in naturally grown food?"
"... Well?" Rae's head hit the table.
"I have no idea."
She had a good idea it was only going to get more interesting from here on out.
I don't know about you, but if I saw anyone down a can of condensed soup (the kind you have to pour water in and heat up) I'd probably never eat another one again. Just so you know. And ninja logic is amazing.
As for why I'm posting this, just because. I have just wasted five minutes of your life. If you want more, wait for the next likely-just-as-short chapter. If not, then back away slowly.
Another note: The whole calling Santa thing is a true story, by the way. Aren't four-year-olds just so cute?
Another another note: The title is Yiddish for 'hopelessly lost'. No, I don't know how to pronounce it either.