1 The LABYRINTH

(We do not see MM, but we hear him)



Note: This is what happens when you leave a Slytherin and a Gryffindor alone with their rivals, scary japanese music, and a case of Pepsi. You will find this story influenced by many things: The SNL episode hosted by Ian McKellen and musical guest Kylie Minogue (Gandalf and the Green Fairy! Gandalf and the Green Fairy!!), the Labyrinth CD with David Bowie making baby noises, the Gorillaz 19-2000 music video (Ph33r the moose!) and Hermit, the pantless wonder. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

F.Y.I; Howler, Screech, Shorty and Jordan are four of our self-proclaimed "rivals", who run the Marauders' Legacy account. Check out their stuff, you know, if you feel sorry for them or something. . .

(K)

Magic Micheal:We start off our tale in the Merry Old Land of Oz . . . er . . . Hogwarts, in the Gryffindor commonroom, during March Break (shut up, they have one now). Our two . . . favorite . . . heroines (no, not Ginny or Hermione), Kara Darkblood, the Slytherin, and Sienna Mercutia Camelot, the smelly Gryffindor, were arguing most ferociously about something . . . let's listen in, shall we?

Kara: NO!

Sienna: Yes! Professor Lupin is sooooo a Jareth – he's gorgeous, sexy, mysterious . . . and . . .

Kara: Shya, Right. Professor Snape is so . . . sexy, and evil, and slimy, and . . . .EVIL!

Sienna: No!

Kara: Yes!

Magic Micheal: All of a sudden, who appears but . . . . Collin Creevey!

Colin: YES! Lesbian action in the Gryffindor CommonRoom! Take it off, Sienna!

Kara: WTF?!?!?

Sienna: Oh my god, Collin, get lost!

Kara: For Merlin's Sake!

Collin: Kara, you're more of an Opal . . .

Kara: Get the hell out of here!

Collin: Ooohh . . . wanting some action?

Kara: No, I'm not sick, like you and your brother!

Sienna: **holding up Ron-effigy she made** Look, it is **in bad french accent** Paul, ze love doll

Kara: I wish – I wish you'd just . . . go away, COLIN!

Sienna: Grr!

Kara: Potions Master . . .

Sienna: DADA Techer!

Kara: Potions Master/DADA Teacher . . .

Sienna: Thank you.

Kara: come and take this horrid, smelly piece of flying Gryffindor Spam away!

Sienna: That's not it – It's "I wish the Goblin King would come take this boy away"

**cue dramatic music**

Suddenly, everything goes dark.

Sienna: Kara?

Kara: Yeah?

Sienna: What was that about?

Kara: I dunno.

(Cut to MM lying on a pool inflatable matress, hodling some sort of fancy drink with little umbrellas. Magic Micheal: Let's try that again.)

**cue dramatic music**

Once again, everything goes dark.

Hours later . . .

Sienna awakes in her commons room, wearing a long a la Jennifer Connely red and gold dress. Getting up, she looks around to find the room empty, except for a werewolf.

Sienna: What the . . .?

The werewolf transforms into Remus Lupin wearing a tight red leather outfit.

Sienna: Professor?

Remus: Hello, Sienna.

Sienna: Were's Colin? Where's Kara?

Remus: They're gone. I took Colin away.

Sienna: Oh.

**Silence**

Sienna: I guess I'd better go find him.

Remus: No! You can't!

Sienna: Yes . .. . I . . . . have to . . .

Remus: I could give you everything . . . .

Sienna: But . . . Colin . . . well . . . I guess I have to find him . ..

Remus: You have thirteen hours to solve my Labyrinth.

**flash to the Labyrinth**

They are now standing outside the commons room, at a maze of hallways and trap doors.

Sienna: Uh – it doesn't look that far?

Remus dissapears with a flash of maroon-ish light and . . .glitter. Sienna can hear footsteps, whirling around, she sees none other than her best friend, Kara.

Kara: Heh – you'll never guess what just happened.

Sienna: Try me.

Just then, as Kara is about to tell her tale, Cho and Pansy, dressed in really whore-ish neon pink and green fluffy things, holding on to a cross- dressing Professor Flitwick, walk by – Professor Flitwick is singing very off tune.

Flitwick: I'm just a sweet transvestite . . .

Cho & Pansy: oooohhh, ooh, yeah!

They wander off down a hallway. Kara and Sienna look at eachother.

Kara: Right. As I was saying . . .

(S)

Sienna: You're kidding! So Snape just came out of nowhere, dressed in spandex, and introduced you to his Labyrinth? Dude. . .

Kara: Yeah. I TOLD you Snape was a better Jareth. . .

Sienna: What, so seeing grease boy dressed in spandex hardened your resolve?

Kara: . . .

Sienna: . . . ?

Kara: Oh, God, I completely forgot about the spandex. Okay, Remus makes the better Jareth.

(The two girls headed towards the walls of the Labyrinth, realizing they were still dressed in their Hogwarts uniforms. They come across a tall red-head with freckles, who is tip-toeing around, stomping periodically and laughing maniacally.)

Kara: My kind a guy. . . I mean, what are you doing?

(The red-head looks up)

Sienna: Ron?!

Kara: What are you doing here?

Ron: Who are you two?

Kara: What's THAT supposed to-- **she is interrupted by Sienna nudging her side**

Sienna: Hush, don't you get it? This is some grand adventure where it all turns out to be a dream which taught us a very valuable lesson.

Kara: are you SERIOUS?!

Sienna: Yes! So just go along!

Kara: Fine! But no one can make me learn a lesson, you hear?! NO ONE!! NOOOO ONE!!!!!

Ron: Err. . . are you done?

Sienna; Yes. Hullo, I'm Sienna, and this is my friend Kara. Who are you, and what are you doing?

Ron: But you all ready know who I am, you just said—

Sienna: Who are you and what are you doing?

Ron: . . err. . .Right, well, my name's Ron and I'm squishing spiders.

Sienna: Oh! You cruel. . . **picks up a spider** Poor thing. . . **drops it** Ouch! The bugger bit me! **stomps on the spider**

Kara: Well, what did you EXPECT it to. . . err. . honestly. . .

Sienna: Hush. Uhm, excuse me, cutie?

Ron: Who, me?

Kara: **rolls eyes** Apparently.

Sienna: Yes, well, could you please tell us how to get into the Labyrinth?

Ron: Yes, sure. Through there. **He points, then walks away**

Sienna: Hey! Aren't you coming with us??

Ron: No. I don't even know you.

Sienna: God DAMMIT. . .

Kara: Hush! Sienna, come!

Sienna: Oh, all RIGHT.

(They enter the Labyrinth, and happen across a worm. . . )

(K)

This worm is rather bushy haired and ugly. It has rather large buckteeth, and nosy air about her.

Hermione: What do you want?

Siennna: We'd like to know the way to get into the labyrinth, if you don't mind.

Herm: As a matter of fact, I DO mind! You stole Ron from me!

Sienna: Right . . . well.

Kara: Come on, you smelly Gryffindor!

Hermione: I won't say anything. I'm going back to my books.

Kara: Look! **points to open door** Let's go.

Hermione: Don't go THAT way – never go that way.

Kara: All right then. Bye, Granger!

They leave.

Hermione: Should've kept going that way. Now they'll never get to the end!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Kara and Sienna are wandering through the labirynth, totally and utterly lost. Suddenly, a drunk spanish monkey pops out of nowhere.

Kara: Look, a drunk spanish monkey!

Monkey: The HIIIILLLLSSSS are ALLLIIIIVEEEEE, with the sound of MMMUUUUUUUUSICCC!!

The monkey dissapears. Kara and Sienna keep walking. As they walk, they hear voices from a nearby room. Peering in, they see Lucius Malfoy and Voldemort.

Voldie: Haha!

Lucie: No! Not the yellow!

Voldie: Yeesss! The yellow!!

Lucie: No! I thought you loved me!

Voldie: The yellow!! The yeeeellooowwww!

Sienna and Kara continue walking, untill they run into two doors, guarded by none other than Samneric! Woo – sorry, wrong book – guarded by . . . George and Fred!

Gred: Halt!

Kara: WTF?!?

Forge: You must choose one door.

Sienna: Okay . . .

Gred: One leads onwards . . .

Forge: The other leads to . . . Certain Death!

Gred: Duh Duh Duh!

Forge: Duh DUH!

Gred; Duh duh. . .

Forge: DUUUHHHH!

Kara: . . . are you quite done!??!?

Gred: Yes.

Forge: Duuh!

Gred: Ahem. Look! It's Cindy Brady!

**a moose walks by, talking**

Cindy the Moose: It's always Marsha, Marsha, Marsha!

Sienna: It's a moose!

Kara: Quick – what does it symbolize?

Sienna: I dunno – what the hell do you need to know for?

Kara: **looks around** Er . . .

Gred: One of us always lies

Forge: One always tells the truth.

Gred: Which one will you pick?

Kara: Sin, even if you're my best friend and all, I think one of us has to take one door and the other one of us the other.

Sienna: Alright.

Kara takes the door on the left, after giving Fred a **little** slap on the rear. Sienna rolls her eyes and walks through the other door. There is a pause.

Then . . .

Sienna: Kara?

Kara: Yes?

Sienna: Are you facing certin doom?

Kara: No . . .are you?

Sienna: No . . .

Kara: Bloody Gred and Forge! Fred and George! Gr!

Sienna: Well . . . I guess . . . I'll meet up with you later?

Kara: Okay . . . er . . .

And so the girls part their separate ways . . .

(S)

Sienna continued on her own through the Labyrinth, before she accidentally ended up in an Oubliette. Don't ask how. It just happened. Anyways, she didn't MIND being in the Oubliette, as she was soon joined by the devilishly sexy Ron Weasley.

(Kara once said you couldn't really tell the difference between our segments. I'll show HER.)

Sienna: Ron! Hullo! Remember me!

Ron: Yes, I remember you. Prof. Lupin sent me to come and take you back to the beginning of the Labyrinth.

Sienna: What?!

Ron: I mean. . . nothing. . .

Sienna: Ha! I knew it! Lupin IS Jareth! All right, well, anyways, Ronnie, you have to help me get out of here.

Ron: Of course. That's what I was GOING to do.

Sienna: Oh, and no funny business. We MUST go to the center of the Labyrinth.

Ron: That, I can't do.

Sienna: Sure you can.

Ron: No I can't.

Sienna: Sure you can.

Ron: No I can't.

Sienna: Sure you can.

Ron: No I – what will you give me?

Sienna: Uhh, my first born child.

Ron: What?!

Sienna: My Chudley Cannons poster.

Ron: Deal!

Sienna: **snickers** Sucker, I don't even HAVE a Chudley Cannons poster.

Ron: Oh my GOD!

Sienna: What?!

Ron: Where on EARTH did he get those pants?! I need a pair!

Sienna: Who?! Oohhh. ..

(Sienna looks up and sees Remus Lupin.)

Remus: Hello, Sienna. . .

Sienna: Hiya, Remus. Nice spandex.

Remus: Why, thank you— I mean, how are you finding my Labyrinth.

Sienna: Oh, it's a piece of cake. Yes, you're going far too easy on me. I mean, I can beat this in only twenty minutes if you wish. Furthermore, I think your tricks and turns are too simple. And to pour salt in the wound, you smell.

Remus: I see. Well, keep at it, then.

Sienna: Wait! Aren't you going to make the Labyrinth harder? I mean, come on, I just spat on your ego.

Remus: No, you didn't. My ego is uninspitable.

Sienna: What?!

Remus: You know what I mean. Say, isn't that your boyfriend?

Sienna: Ron?!

**Ron is running away at lightning top speed, screaming for Sienna to follow him**

Meanwhile, back at the ranch. . .

(Kara is wandering around a courtyard, and comes across a withered old wizard with a long white beard, crescent glasses, and a phoenix resting on his head.)

Kara: Excuse me, could you give me directions towards the center of the Labyrinth.

Dumbledore: Why, of course! Listen carefully: Sometimes, spam is NOT spam, but really, it is Minerva McGonagall doing Karaoke. Do you understand?

Kara: What the fu--

Phoenix: No vulgarities, please. Let's try to keep this fanfiction PG-13.

Dumbledore: Quiet, Fawkes!

Fawkes: No. I feel this is a wonderful time to break out into spontaneous song and dance!

Dumbledore: You can't!

Fawkes: And why not?! Do you discriminate agaisnt Phoenixes, sir?! I should report you to PLF – Phoenix Liberation Front!

Dumbledore: No, I discriminate against hats! And that is what you are! And hats can't sing and dance!

Fawkes: Says who?!

Dumbledore: Says me!

(Suddenly, out of nowhere, a group of House-Elves wearing badges that say "HLF – Hat Liberation Front" burst out of a nearby shrubbery, handcuffing Dumbledore and carrying him away.)

Kara: Well, that was a brilliant. . . waste of time.

(K)

**Flash to: Magic Micheal drinking Pina Colada**

**Flash to Gandalf and the Green Fairy

Sienna: Look, it's Gandalf and the Green Fairy!

Kara: What, Gandalf the Gay?

Sienna: The HIIIILLLSS . . .

Drunk Spanish Monkey: Are allllliiiiiiivveee

Sin & Dsm: WITH THE SOUND OF MUUUUUUUSSSIIIIICCCC

**Flash to Kara wrestling a Cyote**

**Flash to Sin chasing Ron**

Sienna: Roooooonnnn!!!

Ron: NNNOOOOO!!!

**Flash to Kara being frustrated. Suddenly (what's another word for suddenly . . . ?), in leather pants and a black cloak and silk shirt, appears Prof. Snape**

Kara: Professor . . .?

**Flash back to Sienna because Kara can't write herself, it just disturbs her**

Sienna: Ron, why did you lie to me?

Ron: I'm afraid of Remus Lupin!

Sienna: And not of me . . . ?

Ron: That's right.

Sienna: **dark and twistedly** FEAR MY WRATH!

Ron: Ack!

Sienna: Ron, honey, come back. I believe you. Now come on, you're showing me the way to the castle.



Ron: **grumbles**

They walk on for a bit, untill Ron hears a loud growling and runs away. Sienna, however, is not afraid, and runs in the general direction of the noise. What she sees is Neville Longbottom, tied up by his feet, and four small twelve-year-olds poking poor Neville with these . .. stick things.

Screech: DIE!!

Howler: MWHA!

Jordan: Hehe

Shorty: . . . .

Sienna, feeling sorry for her housemates, picks up a rock that has convienetly rolled there, and throws it at Screech's head, causing mass chaos. Sienna, getting and idea, yells at them:

Sienna: Look! It's orange flashlight!

They all scatter off, leaving Sienna to help poor Neville. She manages to help him down.

Sienna: Neville?

Neville: Sienna . . . Sienna friend.

Sienna: Come on, Neville, let's go.

And so the two brave adventurers – rors – whatever – set out together, to find . . . . the end of the Labyrith, and so Sienna can meet Shaggable!Remus.

I mean . . .

Er . . .



(S)

The young 12-year-old, self-proclaimed rivals of our dynamic duo huddled nearby, watching the enemy.

Screech: They can't do this to me! I'm a Child Prodigy!

Howler: They can't do this to me! I'm a Slytherin!

Jordan: They can't do this to me! I'm a—oooh, a broomstick. . . heeehe. . muahah. . . broooomstick. . .

Shorty: They can't do this to me! I'm short!

Voice: Well, what are you going to do about it?

(They all turn to see a small worm with bushy brown hair and buck teeth.)

Howler: Crush it!

Screech: Wait, it's Hermione!

Howler: . . . crush it!!!

Jordan: Your bludgers are biiiggg. . .

Shorty: Somebody shut her up.

Hermione: Grr! I want revenge on her, too! She stole Ron away from me! So I'll help you four if you guys promise to leave Ron alone!

Howler: Help! What can you do? You're a worm!

Screech: **standing up** **stabbing the air with her finger** I will CHALLENGE this. . this. . PERSON. . .

Hermione: Sienna.

Screech: Right! I'll challenge her! Whoever has the most amount of Chudley Cannons posters wins!

Hermione: Brilliant!

Howler: **slaps forehead** Why don't we just hunt her down, tie her up, and ship her to Timbuktoo? She's a Gryffindor, no one will notice. .

Screech: Forward, my Wormy friend! We must bring her destruction.

Jordan: Oliver Wood is played by Sean Biggerstaff. . . wood. . . bigger. . . staff. . .

Shorty: My God, I'm taller than Hermione!

Howler: Oh, bother.

Screech: Are you in, or not?

Howler: Fine, fine.

(Meanwhile, with Kara)

Kara is lost in a forest, trying to find her way back to the dirt path she'd lost. In the distance, she hears a bunch of sticks clapping together. She twists her head around, looking for the source of the percussions, as a background music joins it. Soon, an entire musical sequence has begun as Arthur, Molly, Charlie, Bill, Fred, George, and Ginny jump out.

All: Chilly down with the Weasleys. . . boo bop shoo wee!

Kara: COOL! Musical sequence! I'm great with these! **starts doing the hand jive, and a bunch of other scary dance moves**

Ginny: **starts to cry** Mom, I'm scared!

Fred: I know! Let's take off her head!

Kara: What?!?!

George: What, doesn't your head come off?

Kara: Of COURSE not!

Charlie: What poor excuse for a Monty Python wannabe ARE you??

Kara: . . . someone HELP ME!!!!

Bill: Who's going to help you? You're a slytherin!

Arthur: Chilly down with the Weasleys!

(Suddenly, Howler appears, grabbing Kara and pulling her into a wormhole.)

Kara: Howler! You're a life-saver!

Howler: Yeah, well you're a Slytherin. I had to do something. Also, Prof. Snape wanted to see you.

(Howler gestures over her shoulder to the spandex wearing professor and shudders, disappearing through the vortex again.)

Kara: NO! Howler, he's the BAD guy!

Snape: She can't hear you, Prongs, if that IS your real name!

Kara: Actually, it's not. My real name is –

Snape: Silence! I shall send you to. . . THE SWAMP OF STUFF THAT ALWAYS SMELLS REALLY BAD!!!

Kara: Don't you mean the Bog of Eternal Sten—

Snape: Farewell, Prongs! For I am sending you to the Swamp of Stuff that Always Smells Really Bad!

(K)

Kara: Aww . . . Prongs isn't even my name . . . Sevvie . . . come back . . . don't leave me here, it SMELLS BAD!

Neville: Smells bad!

Kara: Neville! Sienna! What are you doing here?

Neville: Smells BAD!

Kara: Yes . ..

Sienna: What am I doing here? I don't know!! All I did was give my cute little Ronnie a kiss . . . and then . . . poof! We're here.

Kara: It smells like . ..

Sienna: Let's just get the hell out of here.

Gilderoy Lockhart: HALT! Behold the beauty of . . .me!

Sienna: Bloody hell . . .

Kara: What happened to Percy??

Sienna: Meh.

Lockhart: You shaln't pass!

Kara: Why not, you stupid smelly . . . whatever you were!

Lockhart: Because . . . you're not nearly as beautiful as me!

Kara: Puh-leez.

Lockhart: Behold – my biceps . . . my supple frame . . . my smooth legs . . . my shaved . ..

Kara: THAT'S ENOUGH!

Lockhart: The soft curliness of my golden hair . . .

Sienna: Let us through, it smells . . . like Lee Jordan's feet .. .

Kara: How would you know what Lee Jordan's feet smell like?

Sienna: Everyone knows what Lee Jordan's feet smell like!

Kara: Surree . . .

Neville: Smells BAD!

Neville picks up Lockhart and sends him flying. Lockhart picks himself off, and brings out Harry, carrying two cocunuts.

Lockhart: Come, Patsy! My faithful steed.

Harry: **cluck cluck**

Kara: That's no steed, that's Harry banging two coccunuts together!

Harry: **cluck cluck**

Sienna: Hey, where'd you get the cocunuts?

Harry: **cluck cluck**

Kara: Don't even GO there, Moony.

Sienna: Right. Just let us by!

Harry: **cluck cluck**

Lockhart: No!

Harry: **cluck cluck**

Neville: SMELLS BAD!!!

Lockhart: Well . . .

Ron: Ahem! I am in this scene too!

Lockhart: Right. Let's go then.

They cross the bridge. As they are across, and out of the range of the smelly fumes, Ron hands Sienna and Kara a Ya Pear.

Kara: It tastes like . ..

Sienna: Toothpaste!

Kara: Eww . . . I feel kinda . . . funny.

They fall over.

(S)

Ron: **wails** What have I DONE?! **flees**

Gilderoy: Come, fair maidens. Though, of course, when I say "fair", I mean "less beautiful than me." We are almost at the castle of the dark lord, Snape/Lupin! Ladies? Hullo? Oh, my, Neville, Harry, look! They saw how gorgeous I am in this lighting and fainted at the mere sight of me! Oh, if they knew the powerful intellect and the intense soul behind it all, surely they would die from the joy of being near me.

Neville: Sienna! Sienna FRIEND!

Gilderoy: Indeed, Big Hairy Beast. I suppose we shall leave her so that she may recover the beauty I radiate.

Neville: **groans**

Gilderoy: Come, Harry.

(Gilderoy Lockhart climbs onto Harry's back, as Harry cluck clucks off towards the Goblin city)

Neville: Sienna. . . Kara. . .

~~

Screech: Things are going perfectly according to plan, dear Worm.

Hermione: Excellent. . .

Howler: Guys, Ron just fed them Ya pears. They're having a dream sequence right now, so we can't do anything about it, anyway!

Screech: Baka sakana!

Howler: What??

Screech: I don't know. . .

Howler: I thought you said you could speak japanese! How could you not know what you just said?

Screech: . . .

Hermione: Girls! We don't have TIME for this, now! Don't you realize what this means?! Ron doesn't love Sienna, he loves ME! He fed her a poisonous Ya pear!

Howler: I never said it was POI—

Hermione: Come, sister Screech! We will confront my dearest and rejoice in his victory!

Howler: I can't BELIEVE this. . .



Ron: Oh, Sin, what have I DONE?! And then I left you with that poof, Lockhart. . .

Hermione: Ron! My dearest?

Ron: Gah! **stomps on Hermione** Eww. . .

Screech: Halt! You there! Did you just kill that worm?

Ron: Worm? Oh, with that bushy hair, I thought it was a hairy spider. Sorry.

Screech: You shall pay! She was my friend! I will report you to Lord Lupin/Snape!

Ron: Lupin/Snape. . . ? Hey! Before you punish me, please tell me one last thing!

Screech: Of course. I must always tell you my evil plan, even if there's the slightest chance that you could escape.

Ron: How do I wake Kara and Sienna up from their dream sequence?

Screech: Well. . .

TO BE CONTINUED

Moony: That's it. And we probably won't continue it unless we get at LEAST as many reviews as Harriet Potter and the Sorcerer's Zucchini, which was like. . . uhh. . . **checks** 16. Muha!