White Flag – Destiel Fanfiction
By Meibao (Melonized)
I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
Or tell you that.
Castiel can see the shock on Dean's face when he opens the door. And why shouldn't he be? Castiel was sure he was never going to see those familiar green eyes, or be close enough to count the freckles on that face again. Memories he's tried to repress for the last few years flood into his mind, demanding they be recognized. Dean's smile as Castiel eases himself into the Impala. Dean's smell after they've worn each other out in the maze of the Singer Salvage Yard. The way Dean speaks, or how he sounds when he's teasing or mad, or laughing or eating.
All of them floor into him. Feelings, which he banished, pushed to the darkest deepest corner of his mind, and locked away, return. He wants nothing more than to have Dean. He wants to pull him into a kiss, or a hug, hold him close and make sure he's real. Because Dean is oh so close, it hurts.
"Oh dear lord, emotions." It's only by Anna's words that Castiel realizes his stoic façade has failed him. He fixes that quickly, and turns on Anna, raising an eyebrow.
"Language." He says reproachfully, and steps back allowing them to step into the house. He turns, leading them into the living room where the rest of their rag-tag family waits. Castiel's mind is reeling. How did Dean meet Anna? How much did Dean tell her? Did he tell her at all?
He feels a hand on his shoulder. He stops, closes his eyes, and wills himself not sigh as he turns around. Anna pushes herself into his personal space; it's meant to get a reaction from him. So he doesn't give one. He stands there non-blinking, without moving away waiting for her to give up. She gives up quickly, rolling her eyes and swearing underneath her breath. The look he gives her has her waving a hand at him.
"Yeah, yeah. I'll put money in the swear jar, jeesh." Castiel narrows his eyes at her, but she ignores them, "For a second there, I thought you'd…"
"Returned?" He asks but it's less of a question. He and Anna have said everything there was left to say about this particular subject. She wanted him to be like he was before, and Castiel saw no need for that.
"What they did to you was wrong, Castiel." Anna remarks her voice low, and dangerous.
"What who did?"
Anna spins around like she was caught with her hand in the cookie jar, but Castiel does no more than turn his gaze upon Dean. Dean's confusion seeps into his face. Castiel can still read him, even after all these years. The flare of protectiveness in his features brings Castiel comfort, but as he's learned, he doesn't read into it.
"Gabriel is waiting." Castiel says, turning back around. He walks into the living room, thinking that this will be his reprieve. He will sit, listen to a few stories, and go to bed. He will still have met with his sister, and met mandatory family obligations.
"So I finally get to meet the new boy…" Gabriel's voice drags out. Castiel's heart freezes in his chest. Gabriel learned everything about it, Gabriel knew. Gabriel knew. Castiel shoots his eyes towards the ceiling, Dear Lord; give me the strength to get through this.
Dean's eyes narrow upon entering the room; Castiel bee lines it for the chair. He perches on the arm of the chair. Gabriel looks over at Castiel. Castiel can only hope his look conveys the message. Don't say anything. Don't start anything.
"…friend." Gabriel finishes lamely, eyes still locked on Castiel. Gabriel gives him a hard look, and then a small wicked smile before he turns back to Anna, "So, how'd you two meet?"
Castiel wishes, and this is not the first time, that he could kill his brother. Anna responds with something about first meeting in college, then meeting again recently. How Dean's smile had done her in, and blah, blah, blah. It was one thing to know Dean had gone off, moved on, and was done with him. It was another for Castiel hearing about it, and a totally different spectrum for it to be with his sister. Anna continues on, unaware of Castiel's predicament, and he has determined that Dean has not told Anna about the two of them. In fact, Castiel is uncertain if Dean even knew Anna was his sister. The thoughts buzz around his head, but he still catches bits of the things Anna says.
Little parts of her stories like an anecdote of her and Dean on a date, or how many times they got lost while driving to visit his brother. That one saddens him greatly, as he and Sam had gotten along very well. His eyes keep drifting to Dean, his mind will not stop imagining if it were he and Dean, instead of Anna and Dean. Castiel eventually finds himself staring at Dean, and he tries to stop. He really does, he's caused enough trouble for Dean already, but he can't. Dean looks up and their eyes lock.
"Drinks, anyone?" Castiel asks, shooting up from his spot on the couch. He turns his eyes to Anna, and the flickers them to Dean, then sets his look down upon Gabriel. Gabriel grimaces in what he thinks is sympathy, and it's as much of an apology as he will ever get out of Gabriel.
"Castiel?" Anna asks him questioningly.
"I've been a poor host, I never offered drinks." Castiel deadpans, looking bored as usual despite the plethora of emotions running through him. He can feel Dean's eyes on him; he can feel the burn of their stare. He knows what's going through Dean's head. Dean hadn't seen him after, Dean didn't know about what happened when Michael found out or how Jimmy betrayed him, or the things that happened. Last time Dean had seen Castiel, he was still a just a boy, interested in the world and what it had to offer, still happy, and carefree and not an abomination.
"No, you were surprised, or scared or something." Anna accuses, and Castiel pulls his blank robotic face, which he knows riles Anna up. He stares at her, head cocking slightly to the side. One thing he could never get rid of despite his attempts.
"Drinks?" He asks again, and turns his face back to Gabriel who feels like playing along now.
"A beer for me, what about you Dean-o?" Gabriel tries to ask, but Anna is quick to shout over him. "No, Castiel. Jesus fucking Christ."
"Anna!" Castiel says, while Gabriel shouts. Both of them stare at her. Gabriel pulls his mouth into a thin line. "Let it go, Anna."
"No! How can you just sit there and watch him like this, Gabe?" She asks, pointing at Castiel like he's some type of circus freak. Castiel does find a little amusement in the way her actions parallel Michael's words.
"Why do you have to force him to be something that he isn't?" Gabriel asks, standing up. Castiel lets a breath go, his eyes flicking apologetically to Dean, who hasn't said a word, still sitting on the couch next to Anna, who is no longer sitting. Of course his family would decide to have a complete meltdown with guests around.
"Because it's wrong, it's so wrong for him to just go through the world like that..." Anna states, like it's a decree. "If you won't help him, then I will. I just won't sit back and watch him throw his life away..."
"You know, Michael said the same thing to me once…." Gabriel starts. It stops Anna in her tracks, and she falls down to the couch. A shaking hand comes up to cover her mouth, and she glares at Gabriel, but Castiel can tell much of the anger is at herself. Gabriel opens his mouth to drive the point home, but Castiel interrupts.
"Children." Which snaps both heads to his, "If you are done with your temper tantrum, can we move on? We have a guest. A beer for Gabriel, Anna will be getting water, and you, Dean?"
"A beer." Dean says quietly, eyes still dancing between Anna and Gabriel. Castiel nods, making his way into the kitchen. He takes deep breaths while he's in there, forcing him self not to shake.
Castiel returns with the drinks, then excuses himself with a polite, deadpanned sentence. He gives off no emotion, upset or otherwise. He makes his way upstairs, falling asleep on his bed with just his boxers on. He has no energy to go through with his nightly routine.
Castiel doesn't know how everything turned out this way. How could he do this to Dean? He knew there was no way this would be all right despite what Dean had told him earlier. Castiel can hear footsteps behind him, and recognizes who it was just by the amount of force put into each step, and how much of that was because of the work boots.
Castiel doesn't turn his head toward Dean even when he sits down beside Castiel, and reaches his arm across his back, to grip at his shoulder and pull him close. Castiel takes a shuddering breath against him, unsure of how to find the answers he needs. Dean rubs his hand up and down the length of Castiel's arm. A million questions run through Castiel's head, there are so many things he wants to ask: How much trouble are you in? Was it worth it? Do you regret it? Will I ever see you again?
"I love you." Is what ends up coming out of his mouth instead, and Castiel can feel Dean tense. Suddenly it hits him, he wasn't supposed to say that. It was okay, so long as there were no feelings involved, as long as it was just experimenting, it was okay then. Castiel doesn't breathe for long moments before Dean grunts, and responds with:
"I don't know, Cas." He says, a sigh slipping through his words. "You just shouldn't."
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?
Castiel awakes from the memory with a start. He moans, turning over in his bed and for an instant the entire night was nothing but a bad dream. It was all a figment of his imagination. Tonight would be the night Anna brought home her new boyfriend, Dean. This Dean wouldn't be the one from Castiel's past, this would just be a big coincidence and he dreamt everything up due to nerves.
Castiel was not one for wishful thinking. He knew that everything that had happened yesterday really happened. He knew that by some sick twist of fate, Dean Winchester was sitting in his house as his sister's boyfriend. Castiel doesn't even glance at the clock, its early morning, and that's enough for him.
Castiel plows through the daily motions. He pulls him self out of bed, stumbles into the shower, dresses in his black slacks and button down shirt, then makes his way into the kitchen.
He nearly cries out at the sight of Dean. He's sitting in the kitchen, in a t-shirt and sweat pants, coffee in hand. Castiel can see walking over to him, straddling him right there in the kitchen. He would pull his face to his and take, take, take whatever there was left. He would kiss the pain away until his heart didn't hurt any longer.
Castiel, however, did none of those things. He walked into the kitchen giving a small nod as way of hello to Dean, before rummaging through the cabinets. Castiel pulled out a frying pan, a few bowls and various utensils. He made his way quickly throughout the kitchen to pull out eggs, bread and the other ingredients for French Toast. Gabriel loved the breakfast food, and would eat it by the pounds. Castiel would maintain that was why he made them, despite the voice in his head reminding him over and over again Anna hated it.
"So…" Dean started, clearly confused with how to go about things. Castiel knew that Dean hated silence, awkward silences were none the better, and he wondered how long he sat down here. It made Castiel think about why Dean, of all people, would be awake this early? Dean's definition of morning was noon.
"So." Castiel responded, as he continued to break eggs into a large bowl. He let the silence drag on, deciding that he owed Dean no favors.
"Anna's your sister…?" He asks, which Castiel answers with a nod. "But she has a different last name."
Castiel gives a huff of laughter at that. Anna was his sister. He knew that to be true, who was Dean to argue with that?
"Anna took our mother's last name after…some disagreements with the head of the family." Castiel stated, though "disagreements" was far too polite of a word for what Anna had actually done. Castiel could understand her anger and her defiance, but he couldn't match those emotions himself. Michael had done what he thought was right, and begrudgingly Jimmy had done what he thought right.
Castiel decided that he was better off not answering that question. Instead, he mixed the eggs, sugar and milk together, before placing the frying pan on the stove. He turned the burner on medium, having to wait until the pan was hot enough Castiel found him self without things to look busy with.
"Was it about what happened to you?" Dean asks, cautious. Castiel turns around to find Dean standing a few feet behind him.
"What happened to me?" Castiel asks, with an air so clueless that it makes most people think he was special. He really just wants to find out how many secrets Anna let drop.
"Yeah, whatever turned you into a robot." Dean gestures, and Castiel realizes he has nothing to fear. This is Dean piecing parts together, and this is a fishing mission, which makes sense why he's up this early.
"I'm not a robot." Castiel says, turning to check the pan, which thankfully is hot enough. So he opens the bread, and begins dunking them in the mixture. "I'm still human, Dean. I feel. I just choose not to express them. Most of the feelings I have, I shouldn't."
Castiel can tell he's hit a nerve. He doesn't even have to look at Dean to know the flash of pain through green, or the slight tick in his cheek. But Castiel pushes that to the back of his mind.
"What feelings?" Dean asks, and Castiel turns his head towards him in time to catch him gulp. Castiel can feel his head tilt at that.
"Feelings which my family, and our church do not think appropriate."
"Cas…" Dean says, but lets it taper out on the end. What would he have to say about that? While Dean might have different reasons, he was in agreement with Castiel's family and his church. Castiel should not love Dean, or any other boy, for it was seen as an abomination. Castiel was sent to be fixed, was sent to control the impulse. He has, and that was all there was to it.
"I go by Castiel." He remarks to Dean who flinches, "You should take a shower before Gabriel awakes. He will use all the hot water without consideration for you."
"Castiel, what did they do to you?" Dean asks, because something about the church and Castiel's ultra strict religious family must have clicked in Dean's brain. Castiel wishes he would've worded his answer a different way. Sighing, he sent this hardship up to the Lord.
"Dean…" Castiel warns with his voice because he does not wish to speak on this matter. He has held strong on to his convictions, and if Gabriel couldn't pull it out of him, Castiel doesn't see how Dean can.
Until it's too late.
"I'm sorry, Cas...tiel." Dean says, moving closer to him, and Castiel can feel his hand hovering.
"Don't." Castiel says, his voice almost breaking. It's a wonder how Dean can infiltrate him, and frustrate him to the point where his long learned stoic, numbness leaves him. It's unsettling, and he doesn't want all of that to have been worth nothing.
"Don't. I do not wish to corrupt others with my blasphemous feelings."
Castiel can see the gears in Dean's mind turning, and once again Castiel has said too much. The look on Dean's face is all too familiar, much like when Castiel first conceded these feelings. Castiel waited for the anger, waited for a reaction, much like Jimmy's where he was upset and judging. How could Castiel still harbor such tainted thoughts and feelings about him? Rejection was what Castiel was waiting for.
"What did they do to you?" Dean asked again, voice rough, eyes calculating.
"They did what they thought best." Castiel said, punctuating his words by flipping the French toast. "You should really take a shower before Gabriel wakes up. It won't be long once the smell of these," Castiel says gesturing to the plate that was already half filled, and he had no idea when he did that, "gets upstairs. There will be no stopping him then."
"Did they hurt you?" Castiel gave no response, checking out a few pieces of toast on the plate, making sure they weren't burnt, before returning to the one sizzling in the pan. "Did they send you away? What did they do, Castiel?"
Castiel didn't answer him. He bit his tongue and kept his mouth shut. He hoped Dean would give up soon, but after more rapid-fire questions he realized that he would not. Dean was stubborn, worse than Anna, above Gabriel, and perhaps matched with Castiel.
"Did they lock you in a basement? Take away the key, and treat you like a dog, until what, you were cured of being…"
"Will you go take a shower?" Castiel cuts him off because he doesn't want to hear it. He doesn't want to label himself as that anymore, at least not a loud where anyone and everyone can hear. What can he say; shame was something they taught him well.
"Not until we're done here. Cas…" Dean states, moving closer into Castiel's space. Castiel knows that this won't end well. He tries to think of something to hurt Dean with, to make him recoil and think differently about trying to pry into Castiel's life. Of course the only think Castiel could think of was something that would hurt himself as well. His mouth had other ideas than his brain though.
"Will you give me nothing? You won't let it drop, you won't do as your told, and you won't let me love you…" Castiel finishes exasperated, only realizing afterwards that while Dean didn't rile him up, didn't make him yell or shout, he made him give away vital information. Information that most days Castiel wanted to ignore, wanted to forget was true. Castiel stared at Dean, understanding that any and all contact with him would be dangerous, because if given the chance Dean would make him give away everything.
"Cas…you shouldn't love me." Dean replies brokenly, anger deflating. Castiel sighs, his earlier point only made clear by this.
"I don't see the point in ignoring it. I still feel it despite your words, where is the sense in acting like it's not there?"
Castiel swears the sound that vibrates through the house is someone slamming their hand into a wall.
I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were
Anna's visit was not peaceful or restful. While Dean made no more attempt to interrogate him further, Castiel was sure it was only because Anna had doubled in her efforts. Anna wanted to force his emotions to the front. She wanted him to get angry, or sad. She wanted him to break down, cry, shout or laugh, smile, startle, anything really.
Which wouldn't really be a problem; Castiel was well versed in dealing with Anna. He could outlast her in any staring contest, or work the conversation around her, or deal with sudden appearances, harsh words or swearing. Which was the most reaction Anna could ever pull from him. The swear jar was getting rather full, since neither he nor Gabriel cursed, and Anna was doing it to make a point.
It was a problem this time however. Gabriel would spend the days going around the house, picking at Anna. He would do his best to compare Anna with Michael. It was hurtful, and cruel. It hit too close to home, and made Anna squirm in her seat but after the first couple of days she choked down her sorrow with another inquiry, another question. It was such a vicious cycle, Anna would say something, which Gabriel would cruelly return, which would have Anna ask something else, and thus the cycle continued.
Castiel relished when he could leave for work. He would excuse himself to get dressed far earlier than he needed to, and would take his time. He would give each insignificant detail far much more attention than required before he would walk back down stairs, and field questions from Anna.
When he stepped outside, and was able to walk to the library where he worked it was pure freedom. It was such when he was able to live with Gabriel, and no one knew what he was. He could walk around town without judgment or pity. Still the hours Castiel spent at the library were too few. They would pass quickly, and he would find himself on the walk back, sighing as he entered the house to yet another argument that would shush when he walked in.
Castiel only hoped that Gabriel did not tell Anna about her new boyfriend, or about that summer at all. He prayed to his Lord, that Dean was not within earshot of these fights, but he knew that was unrealistic. He could practically hear the shouting out side, so he prayed that they at least talked in some ridiculous code so Dean wouldn't understand.
Castiel found out the next day, that Dean was gone most days. Whatever Dean went out to do each day, it brought him home shortly after Castiel most days. Castiel wondered how he didn't notice, but it left him feeling content. He didn't want to disturb Dean with things better left to the past.
Castiel gave Anna a pathetic smile that was mostly given because it was her last day at the house. She sighed, complaining about wanting a real smile, but beggars couldn't be choosers. Castiel had told her in his best regrettable voice, (Still a robot, Castiel), that he had to work late, and would most likely not be back before she and Dean retire. Castiel gave Dean a firm handshake, and he could feel Gabriel's eyes on him. Castiel nodded, before heading out into the sunshine.
The sunshine, however, was not going to wait for Castiel to return home from work either. Not that he expected it to be sunny when he left the library at ten o'clock at night, but the thunderstorm was not what he expected either. He locked the library doors behind him, and stood under the awning in front of the double doors.
He stared up into the rain like it would give him an answer for being there, like it would tell him why, would reason out with him that it needed to rain, right now today, because of such and such. Castiel closed his eyes, what silly thoughts had wormed their way into his brain?
"Dude, you're seriously going to walk home?" Castiel's eyes open to find Dean. He's parked in front of the library, leaning over to yell at him through the passenger window. For a split second it's the Impala, and it's summer, and Dean is teasingly accosting him from the street when Castiel walks home from Sunday school.
Castiel blinks and every thing returns to normal. It's raining outside, and Dean is yelling at him through the window of some rental car that Anna must've picked out.
"I always walk home." Castiel says, an instant reply.
"In this?" Dean asks, and Castiel feels his head falling to the side, "Jesus Christ, get in the damn car already."
"I'll pay the swear jar later, just get in." Dean says at Castiel's glare. Castiel takes a look at the weather and wonders if it would be worth the cold he would get if he walked home, so long as he didn't have to spend time in cramped quarters with Dean. But Dean huffs, and Castiel finds himself climbing into the passenger seat just like before.
It's quiet on the car ride home. Dean keeps looking at Castiel, but he keeps his head diligently turned towards the window.
"Did you really think I'd be asleep at ten o'clock?" Dean asks, when he can take the silence no more, and Castiel doesn't reply because thinking on it now. No, Castiel is sure Dean stays awake much longer than he does.
"I would've given you a ride, anytime." Deans says when Castiel fails to fill the silence. Castiel turns to face his companion whose eyes are on the road ahead of him.
"I was fine with walking." Castiel replies casually, eyes turning to watch the downpour once more. "You're a guest. I should not bother you…"
"You don't bother me, Cas." Castiel lets the name slide, and he bites the inside of his cheek. He wants to yell at Dean, wants to rant and rage. 'It bothers me,' Castiel wants to shout, 'It's difficult to watch you without feeling longing, it is hard to think about you when you were miles away in god knows where, but now that you are right here? It makes my life harder, Dean.'
Castiel wants to say it all. He wants to see what Dean's reaction is, he wants to know what words Dean would offer, how he would counteract what Castiel had told him. Would he be shamed into silence, or would he meet Castiel's anger with his own? Would they slip back into banter, and loud fights and fall back into each other's arms, not knowing how to make up otherwise?
It's too much for Castiel. It's all too close, and Dean too real. It would be so easy, to pull Dean close, to fall, to give into the temptation…again. This would not be childish mistakes, or curious exploration. This would be wrong, damnable.
"I do not wish to…" Castiel starts, but lets his voice die as he realizes he doesn't know where this line of thinking was going. Dean eyes him, and pulls up in front of the house. Neither man makes a move to get out of the car.
"Cas…" Dean says, turning towards him. He places his hand on Castiel's shoulder, and his whole body tenses. Castiel doesn't know if Dean doesn't notice, or if he just doesn't care, but Castiel cannot move.
"I didn't know Anna was your sister." Dean starts, and rushes into the next part just letting the words spill from his mouth, "We left at a bad place, and I just wanted to tell you that none of that was your fault, alright? I mean, I was kind of a jack ass… and I just wanted to let you know..."
"Thank you," Castiel practically shouts. Dean looks shocked, with good reason, this is one of the few times he has involuntarily let his mask slip. He yanks it back into place, forcing it to fit over his whole body. He doesn't want to know what Dean was going to tell him, he doesn't want the forgiveness Dean offers.
I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
The happiest day of Castiel Novak's life is when the Winchesters move in down the street. Michael stands on the porch while the moving van pulls up, followed shortly by a truck, and a black behemoth of a car. Castiel's at the window, watching Michael, waiting for him to call for Lucifer and Uriel to help move in the new neighbors. Castiel can see the scorn in Michael's eyes as the people step out. There is an older man, head full of thick black hair, and a beard to match. He has a leather jacket on, and steps out of the truck, instantly yelling for the boy who follows out of it. He looks to be about Castiel's age, he looks tiny from here, short and scraggily.
But Castiel turns his focus to the man coming out of the black car, and it steals all of his attention. Castiel can barely see him from his position at the window, but the man enthralls him. He cannot take his gaze away, and he does not until a hand clasps on his shoulder.
Castiel startles, and turns to find his own face looking back at him.
"Jimmy?" Castiel questions, and his face frowns at him, trying to squeeze past to see out the window. Castiel understands that Jimmy wants to see what was so captivating, he also knows that Jimmy doesn't understand what caught Castiel's attention without even looking at him. It is what Jimmy refers to as 'our freaky twin link'. Castiel disapproves of the phrasing, but has yet to think of a better term.
"The car." Castiel lies in response to Jimmy's unasked question.
"The car?" Jimmy asks, and Castiel maneuvers so both can look outside without squishing the other.
"The black one," Castiel points though he doubts Jimmy needs it, "It is interesting. I haven't seen anything like it."
Jimmy shrugs, clearly not caring about the car but understanding that Castiel has a fascination with unusual things. He puts a hand on Castiel's shoulder and drags him towards the door.
"Come on," He says, "Michael wants to go be neighborly, and offer us up as labor while he interrogates the poor guy."
"It is researching our neighbors, Jimmy." Michael reprimands, appearing out of nowhere. Castiel looks to see him coming down the stairs, most likely alerting Lucifer and Uriel they have a task to perform. Michael sighs down at Jimmy, who bows his head and goes off to get ready.
Michael approves of the new neighbors upon finding out their move is due to the death of his wife. The man, John Winchester, has come for a job, offered up by an old friend of his. Michael also approves that the friend is Robert Singer, the owner of the salvage yard where Castiel works during the summer.
Castiel is waiting for Jimmy to come back down the stairs. He has yet to see the man from the black car, and it disappoints him in a way he doesn't really understand.
"Hey, I'm Sam." Castiel turns to see the smaller boy from the truck, or Sam now, standing beside him. Castiel tilts his head at him, before remembering manners and common courtesy, neither of which he is doing right now, and all he can think of is how disappointed Michael would be.
"Hello, Sam. I am Castiel." He holds his hand out, and after a belated second Sam reaches out, and the two shake. It's overly formal, Castiel realizes to late, but that is what proper etiquette dictates and what he has been taught.
Sam laughs it off, and asks about the local library. Castiel finds himself animatedly chatting with Sam about the different books, and sections ending in serious discussion on the rules of a science-fiction universe, and the effect of comparing that to life, as they know it. By the time, Michael ends his conversation with John, Castiel knows that Sam is in the same grade as him, and that the man Castiel had seen earlier was Dean, Sam's older brother. He was roughly the same age as his sister Anna, and they discussed her decision to study aboard during the summer.
"Castiel…" He heard the singsong voice, and already expects Jimmy to come flying at his back. Sam took a step back, as Castiel had to take a step forward, off balance.
"Yes, Jimmy?" Castiel asked as one would the weather. Sam gave him a weird look, and Castiel expects that if Dean did this to Sam, he would not be so calm about it.
"I met Dean," Jimmy explains, "Which makes you, Sam," He says pointing across, weight still on Castiel, "Dean is a jerk."
With his proclamation he jumps off Castiel's back on to the ground, "He was hiding upstairs in his room, so we had to do all the work, Cassy isn't that bad?"
Castiel glares at the nickname, but can hear a "Shut up, Twerp" from inside the house: his head turning just in time to catch Dean stepping out into the sunlight. This time Castiel has a perfect view of him. Dean has the most vibrant green eyes Castiel has ever seen, his skin is sun touched, and he has muscles bulging from underneath his shirt. He looks solid, and strong, much older in comparison to the small skinny boys around him. He stops for a moment staring between Castiel and Jimmy.
Castiel knows that twins are always a shock. He also knows unlike Castiel, Jimmy would never bring it up into conversation, much more likely to play games on the unsuspecting. It irks Castiel to no end that Jimmy didn't tell Dean about him. That same part that is annoyed with Jimmy, also notices that Dean glances at him a second longer than he should. And that part? Well, it likes the feel of Dean's gaze.
"Twins." Sam says breaking whatever weird spell Castiel had been in. Castiel looks back at Sam, who is bearing a cocky smile. Dean grunts turning back to the two boys.
"So how do we tell you two apart…" Deans asks, his eyes scanning the identical faces of the two boys. Jimmy frowns, which Castiel mimics instantly. Jimmy turns his eyes to Castiel, and Castiel follows, raising their hands together before turning back towards Dean.
"The thing is…" Castiel and Jimmy say as one, a practiced shrug, and sigh, "you don't."
"Castiel's eyes are blue-r." Dean returns having completely ignored their practiced little act. Castiel's head tilts to the side, an action unmatched by Jimmy. "And there's that." Dean points out, causing Jimmy to scowl deeper.
Dean stands straight again, hands crossed in front of his arms, triumphant smirk set in place. Castiel feels a something prickling inside of him, something smooth and warm wanting to run through his veins at the thought. Dean can tell. Jimmy doesn't take Dean's ability to read them as well, and he stick out his tongue at him.
Castiel and Jimmy both stop, and stand straight to attention. Castiel lifts his head watching as Michael stalked over across the lawn. Michael never frowned, or let disapproval or anger play across his face, nor did he furrow his brow at his brother's shenanigans. No, he let the heavy shame of disappointment rest in his eyes, or burning anger blaze behind the orbs.
Dean stood up straighter as Michael made his way over, and Sam looked from Castiel to Jimmy to Dean to Michael as though he was recording everything. Castiel bows his head slightly, catching Michael's shoes as the came into view.
"Castiel…" His head snaps up at Michael's command, and the smile he gets reassures him that he had done no wrong, "Who are your new friends? Sam and Dean, I suppose?"
"Yes, sir." Castiel says, with obvious reverence in his voice. Castiel adores his older brother, and being the baby of the family it is often that his caretaking was given to another, while Michael worked.
"This is Sam," Castiel said, turning towards Sam, "and this is Dean," giving a nod of his head towards the older boy, "This is my eldest brother, Michael."
He could feel Deans glare on him, and he wondered what he did wrong. The thought was quickly erased as he ruffled a hand through Castiel's hair. Castiel looked up in time to see the grudge match between Dean and Michael, where neither had extended their hand to shake, such as Sam did.
"Jimmy," Michael says never taking his eyes off Dean, "Would you go fetch Uriel, and Lu?"
"Yes, sir." Jimmy replies, and Castiel can feel how happy he is to get away from the strange tension. Tension that Castiel can only sense through his brother's tension. Michael's hand is still on his head, so he can't run off after Jimmy.
"How old are you there, Samuel?" Castiel can feel Sam bristle at the name, but as he eyes Castiel, he seems to calm down enough to mutter 'fourteen'.
"Castiel, and Jimmy are fifteen. You three will be in the same class, won't you?"
"I expect they will be." Dean replies, his voice surly. His arms are still crossed over his chest, and he is leaning against the house as support.
"And how old are you Dean?" Michael asks.
"I'm seventeen, will be eighteen soon enough."
Michael smiles. It's a smile that Castiel will only characterize as bittersweet later, but at the moment he thinks that Michael likes Dean. He is overjoyed that despite Dean's attitude, and the many things Michael could find fault with, he smiles at him. Castiel is very interested in figuring out what these things are that Dean stirs awake.
"Adults shouldn't play with children." Michael says, making something drop into the pit of Castiel's stomach.
Dean doesn't go to school. Dean dropped out as soon as it was legal. He went and got his GED instead. He's been working since he was sixteen, full time as a mechanic. The job that Bobby had was for Dean, and not his father. Mr. Winchester, or John as he's so valiantly tried to get the Novak boys to call him, works as a bounty hunter. The job takes him away for days, sometimes weeks at a time.
All these things Michael would disapprove of. He would not allow Castiel or Jimmy to enter the house, and still has reserves about it while he thinks that Dean is there, weather or not he believes Mr. Winchester to be there at all. Castiel hates lying to Michael, though Jimmy swears lies of omission are not lies. Castiel still believes it though, but the thought of giving up their daily trips to the Winchester's home after school keeps the guilt tucked away.
Castiel spends most of the time with Sam. He learns many things, like Dean is the only one with the right to call him Sammy. He likes history, reading, and math. Sam loves science, and the law. He and Castiel spend many afternoons watching reruns of Law and Order or NCSI. Dean picks them up from school, and spends an hour or two with them before heading back off to work.
Jimmy and Dean, despite their constant fighting, are great friends. Both of them like the same things: action films, sports, and Jimmy's new obsession with cars. Castiel approves of his brother opening up to someone else; the kids at school do not treat them kindly. Castiel can only dream of the summer when he will have the time to spend countless hours here.
Castiel isn't really sure what he is doing. He's never done this before, and he's never thought about doing this with anyone else. He can't get Dean out of his head, and things keep rushing back into his mind. The way his hand lingered, the remark Lucifer had made, the smell of him, all these little things and the realization that Dean was close. He was right there, and Castiel took it.
Just like Jimmy had said. If you want something bad enough, sometimes you have to take it.
His mouth stays still on Dean, who is unmoving under Castiel's lips. He must be doing something wrong, this is all wrong, all of it. Lucifer had meant nothing by it, it was stupid, it was idiotic, why would Castiel believe this was going to work? And Oh my, Dean's lips were moving under his. Dean's hands had worked their way around to Castiel's back to pull, and tug, and demand that he become closer. Castiel complied, hands gripping Dean's shoulders, pulling him tight. Dean moved one hand up to card through Castiel's hair, turning his head try to get a better angle.
Dean's tongue plays with Castiel's bottom lip, and he's never done this before. He's not entirely sure what is happening but it feels good, and he likes it. He gasps when Dean runs his tongue across the lip again. Soon Dean pushes his tongue into Castiel's mouth. Castiel doesn't know what he's doing, but he pulls tighter on Dean's shoulders, letting Dean's tongue explore.
They both break away gasping for breath, and Castiel is sure if he closes his eyes Dean will disappear and this will all be a dream. Dean pulls Castiel to his chest, arms snaking around him, and holding him in a bone-crushing grip. Dean is shaking, and so is his voice as he holds Castiel to him.
"We can't tell anyone. Not a soul, alright?"
Castiel stares into the empty kitchen finding no reprieve from the memories. His cup of tea, which was to help lull him back to sleep, sits untouched clutched in his hand rapidly cooling. Castiel thinks he's angry with Dean for popping back into his life like this. Castiel may have dreamed about him coming back, or imagined what it would've been like if Dean hadn't left or if Castiel went with him. But Castiel did not pray or ask for Dean to come back, and his life may not have been glamorous, but he was content. He was happy with his job at the library, happy with where he lived, happy with his family, and happy to dream the 'what ifs'.
Castiel didn't know about now. He didn't know what to do about now. Now, Dean was with Anna. Dean had a life. Who was Castiel to ruin that? It was wrong of him to presume anything, just like Castiel knew it was wrong to lust after your sister's boyfriend, just as he was taught it was wrong to lust after a man. His hands moved of their own volition into the cross.
"Stop that." Gabriel snaps at him, his hand just cross from left to right on his shoulders. Castiel completes the motion, glancing up at his elder brother.
"Just because you ran off to join the pagans, does not mean I've lost faith." Castiel says, wondering if Gabriel was there long. It sent a wrinkle of resentment through him. How long did Gabriel watch as Castiel stared into the dark? Was it wrong to be resentful of Gabriel's concern? If the situation were switched wouldn't Castiel act the same?
"Why not? After everything they did?" Gabriel whispered. Castiel could her the sorrow and regret in his voice. Castiel was not going to go into this tonight. He knew that Gabriel did everything he could, and making himself known to the family after he ran away, well that was a big enough gesture for Castiel. He had forgiven Gabriel years ago.
"Castiel…" Gabriel sighed, "Fine, then lets talk about Dean."
Castiel jumps at the name, sitting straighter in his seat to cover it, but nothing passes Gabriel's eye. He points a finger at his brother as he makes his way over to the table, sitting across from Castiel. Eyes thoughtful and gleaming.
"See, its things like that. You still love him don't you?"
Castiel doesn't respond, and it's enough that Gabriel takes it as agreement.
"So, you're just going to let him go…?"
Castiel has started spending more and more time with Dean, much to Sam and Jimmy's chagrin. Castiel falls back on his earlier lie. While Castiel is interested in the black behemoth car he now knows is a 1967 Chevy Impala, he is much more interested in Dean's arms around him, or the feel of Dean's lips, or the way hands feel as they brush over each others bear skin.
This is only helped by the fact that it is summer and they both work at Singer's Salvage. This gives them opportune time to explore finding out all the interesting things about each other. A good example last week, when Bobby assigned them to see if there was anything worth saving on some old trucks, there was nothing worth saving, expect maybe the upholstery. Well, until the two of them climbed in the back, and Castiel leaned down Dean's body, unbuttoned and unzipped Dean's jeans, his hands reaching tentatively down.
Castiel rarely touched his own body. He knew it was a sin, and went against God, and went against Michael, but to see Dean's face? How he clenched his eyes together when Castiel wrapped his hand around him? And after the first slow stroke, the moan that passed through his lips? These were all things Castiel was ready to choose over his fear of God, or his fear of Michael.
Especially when Castiel saw how wide Dean's pupil blown eyes became when Castiel darted his tongue out to lick at the head...
Castiel had to admit, he liked it when Dean threw him up against walls. Dean would push his body against his, and hold him there. Castiel liked to squirm, not so much to get away, but to push at Dean's body. It would cause him to growl, a growl that sent a shiver through Castiel's whole body. Dean's lips would attack his neck, and Castiel would lean his head back, letting Dean nip, bite, and lick every bit of skin.
Castiel also had to admit, that they were probably to close to the garage, to close to the street, not far enough into the maze of cars to avoid being seen. Castiel also had to recognize at that point, he didn't think about any of that, or cared who saw them. Castiel just wanted to be normal, just wanted to be with his boyfriend for a few minutes without worry about what God thought.
So when Castiel opened his eyes at the surprised gasp, he shouldn't have been shocked to be caught. Dean pulled away, both of them watching Jimmy as he went from surprised and shocked to angry and disgusted.
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
then I'm sure that that makes sense
Castiel tackled his brother in the clearing just before the house. He was out of breath, pushing his weight down on Jimmy, who was struggling to get out of the death grip. Castiel doesn't know what it is that's given him the strength to hold Jimmy down, but he is thankful. He stares into Jimmy's eyes hoping to reason with him. He needs Jimmy to understand, to know what Castiel cannot explain in words, how right it feels to be with Dean, and the doubts of the iron rules Michael has placed down.
"It is a sin, Castiel." Jimmy spits out at him, still struggling valiantly under him.
"I know, but you said there are some things you just have to go for."
"Castiel! There are sins, and then there are sins!"
"I know, Jimmy. I know." Castiel said crying now.
"Oh, Castiel." Jimmy stopped fighting, and brought his hands up to pull his brother down to his chest. Castiel laid his head down, tears pouring out as Jimmy ran a hand up his back, patting the back of his head, playing with the hair there.
"It'll be alright, just you got to stop it. Okay?"
"I think I love him, Jimmy." Castiel confesses, "And I don't know how to stop."
"Oh, Castiel." Jimmy says, and Castiel can practically hear the shattering sound of his brother's heart.
Castiel is sitting in his room, nervous. He doesn't know what to do. Jimmy had promised that he wouldn't say anything, and it has been a few days without the wrath of Michael coming down on him. Still, Castiel has not seen Dean. It is killing him. He needs to see Dean, to explain, to figure out where to go from here.
There's a light tapping noise coming from somewhere. Castiel looks up to notice that it's coming from the window, which means there must be someone knocking at his window. He looks over at the door to his bedroom, before going to the window. Sam is standing there, and Castiel easily opens his window, jumping out into the night.
"Dad found out," Sam babbles the second Castiel is on the ground. Castiel ignores the questions screaming in his head of 'How does Sam know?' to pull him over towards the woods, into the empty clearing where he pinned Jimmy not days ago.
"What?" Castiel asks again. Sam is all too willing to tell the story.
"Well, Dean's been going crazy, you know? Cause he hasn't been able to see you alone for a few days, and he was going to sneak over here tonight after work. He gets me from the library, and we get home and Dad is there." Sam says, out of breath, hands gesturing madly, his eyes a little widened.
"Dad just starts yelling about Dean messing around with some boy. He just rants on and on about Dean and his girlfriends, and how wrong it is. Dean is yelling back just as fierce. I mean usually its me and Dad that get all geared up to go at it, but it was Dean. Dean! You know, I mean I've rarely heard him say anything other than 'Yes, sir' or 'No, sir' to Dad." Sam says, and then plops to the ground. Castiel stays standing, but is wavering on his legs.
Castiel can no stop thinking about how he ruined Dean's life. His own life was his to do with what he pleases, but ruining Deans? Corrupting him with his sins? And did he refer to Dean as his boyfriend earlier? Is that what he chosen to classify this as? What did Dean think of it? Not that it mattered; whatever they had between them was done with now.
"How harsh a punishment will Dean receive?" Castiel manages to squeak out before his knees give out. He fell down next to Sam, who turned to him.
"Punishment? Dad can't punish Dean for being gay," Sam says, with a shrug, "I mean, Dad can't stay mad at Dean for long, so this is really just pointless."
Castiel can't imagine what no punishment would be. But he can think of things Michael had said about being gay, about loving other men, more than neighborly love. Castiel can see the flames of hell flickering at his feet for entertaining the thought of loving another man. Does Dean not face the same end? Or perhaps the God that the Winchesters pray to is more forgiving that the righteous one Michael proclaims.
"How did you know?" Castiel asks, deeming it the only appropriate question to discuss at this time. Sam looks over at him giving him another, 'Are you serious?' look. Castiel is on the receiving end of those often. Sam and Castiel have found through their many months of friendship that they come from different worlds.
"Dean told me." Sam replies, flopping back in the grass, turning his gaze upwards. "Didn't you tell Jimmy?"
"No," Castiel responds easily, Sam sitting back up to get a better look at Castiel. Castiel's head is still turned towards the sky, watching the stars and reflecting on the God who made them. "My family would not be so accepting of such…radical ideals."
"Radical Ideals?" Sam asks, but stops when he sees Castiel's face. Castiel continues gazing at the stars; soon enough Sam leaves him alone.
He doesn't know how long he's been there thinking about whether or not Dean will still want to talk to him after this. Castiel thinks about all the things they've done, and wonders if Dean regrets it now. He wonders if it was only okay when it was a secret, when it was behind closed doors. All these things file down to utter despair.
Castiel doesn't know how everything turned out this way. He can hear the soft crunch of footsteps behind him, and he recognizes who it was just by the amount of force put into each step, and how much of that was because of the work boots…
And when we meet which I'm sure we will
All that was there will be there still
I'll let it pass and hold my tongue
"You're just going to let him go!" Gabriel yells, sound reverberating off the walls of the kitchen. Castiel glances towards Gabriel.
"Yes." Castiel says, because he is. He is just going to let Dean walk right out of his life, just let slip through the cracks again.
"Why?" Gabriel demands, "Because you don't deserve to be happy?"
"No," Castiel replies gravely, "Anna doesn't know about that summer, and as far as I'm concerned she doesn't have to. The way she talked about the two of them…" Castiel trails off, and feels a genuine smile break out on his face, "Dean is happy. I will not take that from him."
"Are you happy?" Gabriel asks, "Don't you deserve to be happy?"
"Not at the expense of others, Gabriel." Castiel scolds.
"Fine, have you met anyone knew? Isn't there someone cute at the library?"
"Gabriel!" Castiel says in shock and outrage.
"Why? Because it's wrong? Because it's an abomination against, against Christ or the Lord or whatever they told you at that fucked up brainwashing camp?"
Gabriel is standing above Castiel. Castiel can feel Gabriel glaring down at him, and he opens his mouth to deflect and say something about the cussing and the blaspheming, but Gabriel cuts him off by slamming his hand down on the table.
"Look," He says sounding more defeated than angry, "I don't want to be Michael or Anna trying to force you to do something you don't want, but I can no longer sit by while you give up everything worthwhile because they said you were wrong. Castiel, there is nothing wrong with you."
"I'm sorry, Dean." Castiel responds. Dean looks down at him, Castiel tries to ignore Dean's curious stare as they lay on the grass in the clearing. Castiel picks at things on Dean's tee shirt. Eventually Dean gives up on trying to glare it out of Castiel, and pushes him more onto his chest. Dean then secures his hand around Castiel's waist, holds him close against his body and whispers, "There is nothing to be sorry for. Nuttin' wrong with you."
"You all know why you're here." The man yelled at the group of them lined up outside of their prospective rooms. They were lined in the hallway. Each of them was given a room to live it, they stayed in it by themselves and there was no meeting with each other without supervision. "You have all strayed from the word of our Lord."
"We must purge the sin from you. You shall fast for a week, and reflect in prayer."
"Resist the urge of temptation."
"You will corrupt those around you if you can not control your actions."
"To lie with a man is to lie with sin."
"How dare you pierce your skin with this blade."
"Idle hands are the devil's playthings."
"Speak to the Lord, beg him to forgive your wrong doings."
"The sickness has him deep. There is no hope left for him."
"You are a weapon of evil. Satan's hold has you tight."
"You are too weak to be cured."
"We will show you how to live. How to eat, and drink, and speak."
"He cannot be cured, but we can show him how to live without corrupting others."
Castiel Novak entered this place three years ago. He learned what was wrong with him, why it was wrong. He did not know what great sin he had committed to be disgraced with this sickness, but by giving into temptation he had failed whatever test God had given him. He was a corrupting poison if left on his own, so they taught him. He was not to show emotion, he was to pray. He was to keep God above any mortal lover, and he was to live frugally. Never to tell a soul about the sickness, for that in itself is corrupting.
Castiel Novak left this place with the knowledge of what he was, an abomination, a creature of evil. He was numb, he was to feel nothing at all. So he did. Michael was waiting outside the door of the place, small frown in place. Gabriel was standing next to Michael a little ways off.
"Are you sure he is better?" Michael asks the attendant who walked Castiel out. Castiel is too busy staring at Gabriel to pay much attention. He wondered when his brother returned home.
"He will never be better, Michael." The attendant sighed, "But he is fit for the world."
The three brothers stand there for long minutes after the attendant goes back inside, after the heavy door slams shut. Gabriel is watching Michael. He's the first to break, he walks up to Castiel and grabs him by both shoulders into a hug. When he pulls back he looks into Castiel's face.
"Are you alright?"
And you will think
That I've moved on...
"I'm so sorry that happened to you, Castiel." Gabriel says, and when Castiel looks closely at his face tears are streaming down his eyes. "I tried so hard, Anna tried. I'm sorry I couldn't get to you soon enough. I'm sorry I wasn't a better big brother."
"Gabriel," Castiel asks, surprised. He was the one who had committed such sins and it was Gabriel who was apologizing? "What are you sorry for?"
"That I didn't stick around to tell you it wasn't wrong. That I wasn't there to protect you." Gabriel says, "They lied Castiel. They are the sick ones. Not you. It was never you."
Castiel doesn't know what to say. He doesn't know what to do.
"God doesn't hate you. I don't hate you." Gabriel says, "There is nothing wrong with you."
He believes it.
Castiel believes it in a way he never thought he could before. Perhaps its the newfound closure he's gotten recently. Maybe it was finally talking about it, just telling someone else what happened to them. Having them not agreeing. Not saying that Castiel deserved to be there, or he was an abomination. It may be that finding out the whole world wouldn't shun him. That the crazy strict view on homosexuality that he grew up with, that was shoved down his throat at the center wasn't the view that everyone shared.
There was a place where he could go out and be normal for a few minutes. He could find someone to be with, hold hands with, and there were people who would accept him, there were people who would celebrate with him, and there were people who would love him still.
"Can we start somewhere new?" Castiel asks, eyes shining up at Gabriel. "I want to start somewhere new."
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
Castiel is walking back from his job interview at the library. The new house wasn't far from the local library, and that delighted Castiel. He suspects it was a present from Gabriel, a little thoughtful gift from him. He was all about showing his appreciation towards Castiel. Castiel never knew that Gabriel had harbored such guilt about the whole ordeal.
Castiel wasn't cured. He hadn't fully recovered from everything that had happened, but he was getting there. They had moved to a very gay-friendly area. Castiel knew that Gabriel's job made him travel, and relocating hadn't been too big of a deal. They put their old house up for sale and moved the second Gabriel had found their new house. It was a split-level, giving Castiel his own apartment.
It didn't change much between them as brothers. Castiel still maintained his no swearing, and kept his faith. They were accepting, and Gabriel was still obnoxious, he still teased Castiel. He still put his nose in Castiel's business, made lewd comments, and was generally a big brother.
Castiel is generally learning to let his emotions take control again. He's learning to cope, he's learning how to be a human again. It has taken him a while, and he thinks there will be years of recovery that he has to get through before he will be better. But he can see himself with someone, some way down the line. It's okay to be happy. It's okay to want the things he wants.
Castiel has to jump back when a black car pulls into the alleyway he was about to cross. Castiel swears it's a familiar black 1967 Chevy Impala, but thinks it's impossible. Why would Dean's Impala be here? It becomes less impossible when the car stops in the alleyway, and Castiel is certain that it's a black 1967 Chevy Impala. It's there, just like her remembered it.
He is not disappointed when the driver gets out, slamming the door loud enough to make Castiel wince, and it's Dean. Dean is walking over to him. Dean is grabbing by the shoulders, and pulling him into his arms. It's also Dean who pulls back, looking into his face.
"Why are you walking in a thunder storm?" Dean asks voice rough.
"I always walk." Castiel replies instantly.
"So, I went back. I told Anna, right." Dean says, looking at his feet. "I confessed everything, bemoaned my feelings, spilled my guts like a little fucking girl. So Anna tells me what happened."
Dean wheels on him, trapping him against the brick wall. Deans hands on each side of Castiel's face, leaning in roughly whispering to him.
"You should've told me. You should've fucking told me, because if I knew. You should've sent a letter to Sam, you should've contacted me some way." Dean says, voice breaking, "Michael said…Michael said so many things, that I shouldn't of have believed, so I move on right? I get into this relationship, and you pop up."
Dean pushes himself away from the wall and begins to pace. Castiel hasn't moved, unsure of what to do, just trying to process the things Dean is saying.
"I mean its my first fucking relationship I've had in years, because I couldn't get over you. And then bam, there you are. You're calm, and fine, and you don't even fucking care. You don't tell me anything, you avoid me like the plague, and Michael's words are so fucking true, that's all I can think is that you did hate me, still hate me."
"Dean, I…" Castiel starts, but Dean holds up his hand, and Castiel bites his tongue.
"So, after my girl moment, Anna tells me what happened. She tells me what they did to you, and where you were sent, and I asked you about that, I wanted to know, Damn it." He says, pounding a hand on the back of the Impala. Castiel gets the sense that Dean is stalling. Dean looks up at Castiel before he looks back at the ground, and continues pacing.
"So I came back, took the Impala and drove because there weren't any flights fast enough, and I drove. And you were just fucking gone again. Your house for Sale, no one knowing where you disappeared too, no way to contact you. Just like when I came back from College, and I panicked."
Dean stops, forces himself to stay still and walks up to Castiel. Castiel stays up against the wall, doesn't move just watches what unfolds. Dean is close to him again, and he was looking for him.
"I called Anna, who had no clue you two moved either. I talked to every person I could wrack my brain around. I tried everything. I searched for weeks, I was even going to hire a P.I., I needed to find you." Dean licks his lips. "Anna finally calls, after months of looking for you, and says Gabriel sent her a letter with the address. I drive over here, and you know what I find?"
Dean leans in closer to Castiel. He can feel Dean's breath on his lips. Castiel wants to hear what Dean has to say, he also just wants to lean up and kiss him. But he doesn't move, eyes locked on Dean.
"I drive here, to tell you I still fucking love you, always have loved you, for the longest time. And you're not even fucking home. You are out, walking around in a fucking thunder storm."
Castiel doesn't need to hear anything more. He places his hand around Dean's neck and pulls him down his fingers carding into Dean's wet hair. Castiel didn't notice the weather, but both men are soaked through. Dean pushes him up against the wall, and holds him there with his body while his hands pull on the trench coat lapels to bring Castiel closer. It sends a thrill through Castiel he hasn't felt in a while. Mouths slide over each other, and Dean's tongue begs entry, which Castiel allows. He battles with Dean for control, before both pull back gasping.
"You owe the swear jar two dollars and fifty cents."
Dean laughs, and pulls Castiel in for another kiss.
I'm in love and always will be