Although this is not a movie-based parody, I would like to dedicate this story to Peter Jackson and his crew at New Line Cinema. For two reasons:
1. I love the movies.
2. I get an unique opportunity to say:
Elijah 'Lij' Wood - you'd be even cuter without the blue contact lenses.
Orlando 'Orli' Bloom – Before I saw you on the screen I had no idea elves could be sexy. 'Blood has been spilt this night.' …ahem.
Introduction to a Parody
(Parody of an Introduction)
Warning: Low Joke Content on this page.
I know it's customary that the introduction be written by someone else, not the author. In this case, I write it myself, because I am not exactly the author. She is Joanne Renee Growling-Toluene, hereafter referred to as J.R.G.T.; and she is imaginary. It takes an imaginary person to re-tell what I'm about to re-tell. No sane person today would wish change more words than the LORD found righteous souls in Sodom of the perfect story known as 'The Lord of the Rings.' Even J.R.G.T. isn't actually changing it – she lives in an imaginary twentieth century where the original was never written.
Miss Toluene is a flunk-out philology student and a waitress. That's all that is publicly known of her in her world. In ours, I can explain the origins of her name. Joanne is the French version of my own middle name and teen-age alias. Renee she gets from a friend of mine, Growling is anyone's guess, and 'Toluene' is what my ancient computer's spell-check program used to offer every time I wrote 'Tolkien'. Before the creation of this story, the computer had a nervous breakdown. Sadly, it will never recover. The first draft of this story was written in a notebook with red silk covers.
This story is meant as a respective, good-natured parody. I leave the obscenities (well, some of them) and bad taste drug jokes to Americans. Myself, I prefer the British sense of humour. A British-school humorist laughs at everyone, but he is lovable because he begins and ends by laughing at himself. His American colleague, hovever, takes himself seriously and never laughs at whoever pays his wages. He is considered to have good taste if he manages to steer clear of dozens of taboos: ethnic groups, the disabled, and all the other 'different' people you-simply-don't-laugh-at. However, he does laugh at women, overweight people, alcoholics, Europeans and other foreigners, unless they happen to be 'ethnic'. As far as I understand it, Anglo-Saxons aren't ethnic; everyone else is. In America, humour is a serious industry and political correctness is applied to everything. In Britain, jokes are jokes, not even the Queen and God are safe from them nor would they wish to be for both have a sense of humour. The joker gets a joker's wages but he also gets a joker's freedom – the 'court jester' tradition of the Middle Ages lives on.
Imladviel, editor of Reality
End of serious text. The fun begins approximately now.
1. Concerning Robbits.
Robbits are not, contrary to popular belief, related to rabbits. Well, not much in any case. There is slight suspicion concerning the ancestors of certain Long-Ears families. Robbits come in three varieties of which the Long-Ears are the most common due to their customary large families. The other two varieties are the Nimblefingers and the Hairies.
The natural dwelling of a robbit is a hole underground. Preferably one with a low percentage of worms in the walls, which is acquired by lining the earthen surfaces with wood or stone. It can be very inconvenient to have worms dropping from the rafters onto your dining-table. However, paneling and cut stone are expensive, particularly in a society that doesn't produce either, so the poorest robbits make do with old badger holes with dry rushes on the floor. Some Hairies even consider fried worms a nutritious delicacy.
Robbits never cut trees – they live in harmony with the nature of their homeland, the Shirwood. Their main industries are hunting and gathering. This is, however, not considered acceptable by other peoples, mainly because these peoples are thought by robbits as prey and their property as bounty. The Long-Ears are specialized in begging. Their strategy is to beg relentlessly until the victim gives what they ask, which only causes them to beg for more. Some are rumoured to fortify their pleas by flaunting weapons or even taking hostages, but most Long-Ears are placid to the point of boring. They have learned to farm, but dislike weeding and never plant anything in straight rows if they can avoid it, so their gardens look like wild meadows. The harvest is not spectacular but they do produce tasty, if small, carrots and a variety of apple known as Shirwood Sweet-and-sour. On bad years they are known to eat the weeds as well as the crops. The Long-Ears are vegetarians but they keep it a secret from outsiders, and they hunt animals for the skins and sell the meat to other robbits. They are the poorest because of the size of their families, and because the current situation makes it impossible to travel outside Shirwood to beg as they once did in great numbers.
The Nimblefingers, true to their name, are notorious burglars and pickpockets. Their holes are decorated with foreign textiles and mismatched furniture. Most often they prey on outsiders or each other, being too rich to bother with Long-Ears property and too wise to disturb the Hairies. In the past they used to travel farther, but since the whole robbit race was outlawed they are confined to Shirwood. The area has a bad reputation among travellers although the Ancient Road goes right trough this forest. Sensible people such as Sober Elves avoid this section of the road, taking instead a roundabout through such safer areas as Fiery Drake Lake and Widowmaker Ford, or the Spider Marshes and the Goblin Mines. The game of robbits, therefore, consists mostly of Drunk Elves, the less well-armed type of dwarf, humans, the occasional lonely goblin or even a troll or two.
All robbits love peace, but the Hairies cherish it so much they wish to be the only ones in possession of it. To this end, they have become bandits. Their usual tactic is jumping from trees upon passers-by, achieved by patience and an efficient camouflage. They disguise themselves as growths of moss and fungi. A typical Hairie looks like that most of the time anyway. They have tangled beards and hair they use as most people use pockets, only more efficiently. It's very difficult to remove someone's valuables from his beard when he's not looking. Nimblefingers avoid offending Hairies because they, although smaller than your average dwarf, are skilled fighters. Indeed, most Hairie homes sport a variety of weapons stored on the walls and even the children know how to use them.
These days, robbits never leave Shirwood – alive. There is a large amount of silver paid for a robbit head in all civilized lands and the nearest uncivilized ones as well. However, if a bounty hunter happens to bring some less vital body part, he gets a flogging. All he has succeeded in is creating one more maimed individual to join the Long-Ears beggars. Robbits are hard to find and hard to catch – unless they find you. In that case they have the advantage of numbers or surprise. In the case of Nimblefingers, the surprise happens only when you notice the loss of your purse, horse, and on some occasions, your clothes. It is very unwise to take a bath in Shirwood. Robbits never do. Indeed, they are afraid of deep water and if you try to wash one, it faints. So far enemies haven't discovered this, mainly because they have other things in mind when they meet the inhabitants of Shirwood than washing them. Such as 'What happened to my squire?' or 'Why is there a dirty dwarf eating my supper?'
2. Concerning Cigarettes
Robbits love smoking. Even the women and some of the children. It is of course an unhealthy habit; but the expected life span of a robbit is too short to worry about things like cancer. If you survive your infant years but die of sickness in a bed you are considered lucky by Shirwood standards. The Long-Ears argue that all herbs are by nature healthy, and if not, yellow teeth and an ugly cough are part of a convincing beggar's appearance. The Nimblefingers do it mostly from habit, as they like to keep their fingers busy even when relaxing, and rolling cigarettes is more polite than practicing knife tricks. Hairies prefer large cigars and claim smoking helps to get tacky tangles in one's beard. Some Hairie women are reputed to have grown beards by smoking excessively. This cannot be confirmed as their families immediately sold them to passing circus groups.
3. Concerning Terra Medimarinean
An imaginary realm. All you need to know is in the map included. If there is no map, write an angry complaint letter. It won't help, but you may feel better.
4. Concerning Yvonne
Yvonne is the favourite goddess of all elves. She is connected to nature and fertility. Yvonne's titles are, among others: Mother Earth, Moon Goddess, Lady of Plenty, Venus, and (among robbits) the Harvest Lady. Her festivals are: 1st of January – the Burial of the Lady, 1st of April – the Waking of the Virgin, 1st of July – the Wedding of Yvonne and Alabaster, and 1st of October – Harvest Cradle. These are celebrated all over the civilized Terra Medimarinean.
There are two types of Elves found in Terra Medimarinean: Sober Elves and Drunk Elves. You can tell the difference by their speech and song. Wizards and witches are mostly elves by birth.