Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter franchise.

"Normal speech"



The first thing I was aware of when I woke up was the discomfort of being cramped in a small space. The next thin I noticed was hunger. Looking back on my memories, I concluded that I must not have eaten in at least a week to feel this hungry. Finally, I opened my eyes.

Everything was blurry, which I found strange as I had near perfect vision. Rubbing my eyes, the blurring did not change. Feeling around a bit, I can tell that I am in a small room, barely enough to contain me. Feeling a bit higher, I find a shelf. On the shelf I feel what I think are glasses. Picking them up I try them on. The world becomes more clear, but not as clear as I am used to. I look at my surroundings.

I am in a cupboard under the stairs. My eyes widen, this sounds familiar.

"Shit" I mutter. Am I in the world of Harry Potter? I ask myself.

Looking at myself I am shocked. I'm a kid again. Scars I knew I had are no longer there, and I find scars I knew I never had, like that one on my forehead. Yep, here I be, Harry Potty.

Then I hear it. Someone is walking down the stairs. It's Petunia. I bet you are wondering how I can tell, well, the house isn't shaking, that's how.

"Up! Get up! Now!" came the shriek from the woman as she banged on the door of my "room". Looking down, I see that I am clothed, if you can call what I am wearing clothes.

More like rags. I think.

"Up!" was her last demand.

Sighing, I rolled to the door and got out of "bed", which, now that I can see it in the light, is a cot, with several large, dark stains scattered about it. Looking down, I see my feet clad in sanctified socks, in that they are holey. Looking into the cupboard I see a pair of beat up "trainers" I remember them being called. Pulling them on and closing the door, I begin my trek to what I think is the kitchen.

As I approached, the door in front of me opened to reveal a truly horse-faced woman. Now, I had thought that the books had just been exaggerating her appearance, but damn, she looks like Mr. Ed's sister.

Hehe, I mentally snicker, careful to keep my amusement off of my face. A horse is a horse, of course of course.

"Oh, you're up are you boy? Well mind the bacon. I want everything to be perfect on Duddy's birthday." she commands as she walks off, apparently to wake the birthday boy.

Walking through the door, I see a sterile kitchen, devoid of live or emotion, the only thing out of place is the package laden table. Birthday presents for the pink pig. Shrugging, I walk over to the stove and begin to "mind the bacon," when it is to the point I like it, at a balance of crunch and chewy. After the bacon was done, I set it aside on a napkin covered plate to absorb the extra grease. Moving over to the sink I pour out the grease. I then moved back to the stove to start up some eggs.

Vernon had arrived just as I began the eggs. As he sat at the table and opened his paper he glanced over at me.

"Comb your hair!" he ordered. That reminded me of my new features. Where I used to look like a member of the Weasley family, I now had uncontrollable black hair and bright green eyes to replace my former grey-blue. Looking at my skin tone, I wonder why I am so pale. I know this body was forced to work outdoors for long hours, so why did it not have some sort of tan. Then it hit me. Malnutrition must have sapped this body of the proper nutrition to give it that healthy "glow."

As I set the bacon and eggs in some of the little available space on the table, the remainder of this grotesque family walked in. Dudley, the porker, did look remarkably like a swine, the only missing features were hooves, a tail, and the snout. As I knew the outcome of this encounter I wolfed down my bacon and eggs, the measly portion that I had. Having finished my "meal" before it took Dudders to count to twenty, I grabbed my plate and cutlery and moved to begin washing it, listening to the dialogue going on behind me.

Silently laughing at the horrible math skills that Dudley showed for his age, I moved about picking up the empty dishes to clean them. After I finished my task and the table was void of dishes, I stood by the sidelines, waiting for the situation to play itself out. As porker opened his presents, the phone rang.

There goes Figg, calling in her broken leg. And here comes the nag with the happy news.

"Bad news Vernon." hearing that I zone out, waiting for my cue.

"She's on vacation in Majorca." and there it was.

"You could leave me here." I suggest meekly.

"And come back to find the house in ruins?" snarled Nag.

"I won't blow up the house." I said, knowing they weren't listening but staying in role.

"I suppose we could take him to the zoo," said Nag, ". . . and leave him in the car. . ."

Oh no bitch, I will not be staying in any car for hours on end.

"The car's new, he's not sitting in it alone. . ."

Wait, new car? How can they afford it? With all the things they shower upon Pig, they should barely afford the bills, yet they can afford a new car. They must be receiving outside funds. Or at least those that are illegally gained.

During my thoughts, Pig's friend Piss Polkiss had arrived. Now that everything was decided, we were on our way.

As we were driving on the way to the zoo, I kept my eyes out the window, searching for landmarks and Charing Cross Road specifically, where lay the entrance to Diagon.

Once we arrived, it being a warm and sunny saturday, Pig and Piss got ice cream, and, thankful to the observant vendor who noticed that they had only gotten two of three children ice cream, I got a lemon ice pop. I was glad because it was sour, not that weak stuff you normally get.

As we walked through the zoo, I was reviewing what biology I knew and was wondering what the Dursley family would be classified as. I determined that while they were chordates, they were not cephilized.

As we finally arrived at the reptile house, the focus of the trip in my opinion, I was determined to gain some control over my ability to speak parsel, if I could at all.

Beginning in a corner and making sure to stay out of the Dursley's and Polkiss' sight, I began to test my tongue.

"Hello, can you hear me?" I said in a low voice. The snake payed me no attention. Concentrating a bit harder on the snake, a rat snake, I spoke again.

Hello, can you hear me? I said, and felt something different in the way I said it. It still sounded like english to me, but it felt different in my mouth ant throat. Apparently I was right as the snake looked up at me sharply.

You can speak the tongue? Ha, and to think I had thought it a myth. Well, in this case I am glad to be proven wrong. So tell me speaker, why are you here?

I am practicing my ability. I only recently learned I could speak to snakes and was hoping to gain some control over this gift. After all, if I were to speak your tongue whenever in the presence of a serpent, I would be cast into an asylum. I reply, hiding some of the truth.

Ah, understandable. So why did you choose to speak to me? I am sure some of the other snakes would me more interesting to you?

For that very reason. You see, those who I came with are not kind to me. They force me to work and bare burdens that should not be mine, and to add insult to injury, they do not feed me enough to fuel one a third my size. Not only that, if anything goes wrong around them, I am immediately the one they blame. So I chose one of the snakes in an out of the way place where I could stay out of their sight as I practiced.

These beasts truly treat you like this? The snake asked, to which I answered positively, Then let them be cursed. I do not fault your reasoning in this. Are all humans this way?

No, these are just ignorant and afraid. After all, you fear what you don't understand. If I were to let someone know how I was treated, they would be punished. But if I wait a little bit, I might be able to get them an even greater punishment.

Ah, devious aren't you? Very well, thank you for adding something interesting to my day, now go to others and practice. The more varied your experiences the better you learn.

Thank you and good bye for now. I say as I walk off. Moving to another snake, I test out my ability and am rewarded with an angry retort for interrupted sleep. Shrugging I move on. Thinking that I may be able to talk to reptiles other than snakes, I move in to a legless lizard, hoping that it's resemblance to its cousin will help.


What? Can't you tell i'm napping here? People these days, so rude. Came my reply. Oh well, at least that is progress. Moving on to a gecko I begin again.


Hey, how ya doin'? How can you speak to me, huh? Can you speak toother animals too? Can you speak to bugs? Or birds, how 'bout birds? the gecko rambled on endlessly. Shrugging, I moved on. So I can talk to lizards too, what else?

By the time we left, I had determined that I could talk to all reptiles and some bugs, though that might just be because they did or didn't want to talk. After the reptile house, we wandered around for a little more, as the debacle from the book hadn't happened. I tried talking to a few more animals. They were mostly failures, though I was able to talk to a few felines. I guess I can talk to anything that hisses. Or it might just be that I can talk to all animals and it just hasn't fully developed yet. Mentally shrugging, I follow the group back to the car. As we are driving back to Privet drive I begin to plan what moves I am going to take. I have to find ways to get information before I can act, because if I act on information that I haven't learned here, I might raise suspicion.

And so, I passed the time doing what I could to prepare myself for what was coming. And, when I got tired of that, I amused myself any way I could. My two favorites were thinking up derogatory and insulting things about the dursleys, the other was trying to squeeze out some magic.

School was murder. I had t pretend to be dumb, I hated that. During recess, I tried to stay in clear view of any adult around so I could avoid "harry hunting" and other such activities. Sometimes, when I got bored of watching the sky, I would exercise. Pullups, crunches, pushups, anything to improve my strength, because I knew I would need everything I had to survive this life.

Well, how did you like it.