Title: Avada Kedavra
Author: Shara Lunison
Warnings: Character death, crack, and it broke my beta—consider yourselves warned!
Summary: Harry switches sides and Voldemort decides that he needs a little tutelage in using the Unforgivable Curses.
Disclaim Her: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
Voldemort summoned two of his most faithful Death Eaters to the throne room. When they had made their obeisance, he said, "Bella, Rodolphus, I have a very important task for you. Potter has defected to our side and I need you to teach him the three Unforgivable curses."
"Oooh, ickle Potter isn't so ickle anymore," Bella cooed.
"It shall be done, my Lord," Rodolphus answered for both of them. "Do you have any suggestions?"
"He is being stubborn about using Dark magic. Give him something he can relate to."
They bowed out of the room and set about their task.
Harry looked up when someone opened the door of the room Voldemort had given him.
"Who is it? Haven't you heard of knocking f…" he trailed off as he caught sight of Bellatrix and Rodolphus Lestrange dressed up as a warthog and a meerkat, respectively. "What!"
"Now, now, little lion," Rodolphus said, waving his wand at Harry, "Just play along, all right?"
Harry looked down and saw that he had been dressed in lion footy pajamas against his will. "Take these off of me, or so help me…"
He never got to finish the sentence, for at that moment the room itself disappeared to be replaced with a lush tropical forest. Music rushed up from nowhere to fill the silence that had fallen. Harry stared at the Death Eaters in disbelief.
"Avada Kedavra!" Rodolphus started singing. "What a wonderful spell."
"Avada Kedavra!" Bellatrix continued. "We'll all go to hell."
"You can't block it! It cannot be dispelled," sang Rodolphus.
And then together, "It's problem-free, for killing sprees! Avada Kedavra!"
Harry hesitated to even ask. "Avada Kedavra?"
"Yeah. It's our motto!" cried Bella.
"That's a motto?"
"Nope," said Rodolphus. "But what's a-motto with you? You ruined the punchline!"
"Those two words will solve all your problems, kid," Bella said.
Rodolphus nodded eagerly. "That's right. Take Bella here. Why, when she was a young teen witch…"
Bellatrix suddenly burst out into a high soprano, singing again. "When I was a young teen witch!"
"Very nice," Rodolphus complimented his wife.
"Thanks." Bella winked.
Her husband continued, and so, unfortunately, did the song. "She found her dementia lacked a certain appeal, she could make people faint with a single squeal."
Bella put a hand over her forehead like she was some kind of delicate lily. Harry fought off a snort of incredulity. "I'm a sensitive soul, though I seem thick-skinned. And it hurt that my friends were all Slytherins! And oh, the shame!"
Rodolphus jerked his thumb at her while looking quite seriously into Harry's eyes. "She was ashamed."
"Thought of changin' my name!"
"Oh, what's in a name?" Rodolphus asked.
"Voldemort already did that, besides," Harry muttered under his breath.
"And my heart just bled," Bella cried.
"How did ya feel?" Rodolphus asked.
"When they weren't purebred!"
Harry rolled his eyes.
The couple sang in tandem again. "Avada Kedavra! What a wonderful spell. Avada Kedavra! We'll all go to hell!"
They looked at Harry expectantly and hopefully, and he gave in with a grimace. "You can't block it. It cannot be dispelled," he said with no emotion.
His toneless voice was an odd undercurrent when they sang the next line, "It's problem-free, for killing sprees! Avada Kedavra!"
Harry inched away as the Death Eaters continued singing, "Avada Kedavra" over and over again. At one point Rodolphus even crooned the words in what Harry would almost have called a falsetto.
Finally, though, Harry realized that he couldn't escape the jungle and that the pair weren't going to stop singing. Resigned, he pulled out his wand and summoned up all the horror and hate he was feeling towards the pair for the song that had ruined what remained of his childhood. "AVADA KEDAVRA!" he cast twice, and the pair died with smiles on their faces, still enjoying the song they were singing.
Later, when Voldemort and the rest of the inner circle saw the bodies, they looked at Harry in horror.
"What did they do?" Voldemort finally managed to ask.
"They taught me how to cast Avada Kedavra," Harry answered with a slightly twisted smile. The bloody song was still stuck in his head and he was feeling decidedly murderous. Glancing around the circle, his eyes lighted on another person he wouldn't mind seeing dead: Peter Pettigrew.
No one who saw Harry Potter cast the killing curse was able to forget the manic glint in his eyes. And the song he hummed under his breath just before killing someone haunted many a person's nightmares