An Unfortunate Outcome
Chapter One

'You'll be sorry!'


"Catch me if you ca~an, Ushiromiya Battler! Kyahahaha!"

"D-damnit... damnit..."

"Awww~ Are you going to give up already? How useless! How pathetic! Gyahaha!"

"T-those are Beato's lines, not yours! Try and be a little more original!" Battler spat back at Beelzebub.

"Huh?" The irritating blonde bundle of energy frowned. "What was that? What are you getting so upset about, I wonder? Hmnnn~?"

"N-ngh..."

Truth be told, the force of his previous words had surprised even Battler.

For a few seconds Battler had to wonder why, exactly, he was trying to defend that bitch. Beatrice only ever made his life miserable. It was the only thing she was good at. And Battler knew Beato would find it hilarious if she learnt he was trying to 'defend her honour' (or whatever little shards of honour she actually possessed- if any). If Beatrice found out about his impassioned words, she would've laughed at him for days.

And then murdered his family.

Because that was just how Beatrice showed her love for people.

Even so, Battler couldn't stand about idly and let Beelzebub talk to him in that tone of voice! Beelzebub wasn't anywhere near Beato's level- she wasn't even close! She was only a stake- a lowly piece, a pawn- and being spoken to in such a haughty way by a bare-legged girl in a stupid outfit really hurt Battler's male pride!

...Not that being spoken to in a haughty way by a psychopathic witch in a seemingly demure dress that covered up her top half about as well as an elephant could hide behind ant was much better, but- in Battler's own words- 'whatever!'

He could at least make Beelzebub shut up without the consequences being too severe.

Beelzebub could only break a few of his limbs; Beatrice would probably scold her if she shattered her chew toy into pieces.

Beatrice, however, was far less forgiving.

You'd be lucky to have any limbs left if you got on her bad side.

"Kihihi~ Whatchu going to dooo?~" Beelzebub continued to taunt, her voice adapting a sing-song lilt. "I wonder, I wonder! Why don't you just clutch your head, crouch in the corner and shout 'it's uselessss!' like always, hmn? Gyahaha!"

"D-damnit, damnit! Don't fuck with me!"

"Give up, Battler! You'll never win!"

"Y-you're wrong!" Battler snarled at Beelzebub. "I fight for the side of justice! Justice never gives up in the face of evil- it strives forward and, no matter how helpless the situation seems, it always, always wins! That's how the world works! And I won't stop believing in that! Evil will never triumph! I'll definitely beat you! Get ready, Beelzebubbbb!~"

"Noo wayy!" Beelzebub cackled, turning briefly to stick out her tongue. "All your cookies are belong to me, and I will NEVER give them back! I'd rather DIE!"

"You WILL die if you don't hand them over right now! I'm hungry!"

"Go lick the dust and dirt off the floor, then! It's all your uncultured taste buds deserve! Gyahahaha! Oh, I wonder which cookie I should eat first~ They all look so gooood~"

"Damnit... damnit!"

And then, so suddenly you would've missed it if you blinked, Battler's body dissolved into a bevy of flickering, golden butterflies.

"H-huh...?"

Beelzebub frantic footfalls slowed, ever so gradually, as she realized her opponent- her opponent who had waxed poetic on the beauties of justice and the inevitable, eventual downfall of evil- had disappeared.

Then, she stopped running altogether.

She turned her head this way and that, her princess curls bouncing as she did so, eagerly, as though they were living creatures, too. With narrowed eyes she scanned the surrounding area, as thoroughly as any member of the Siesta Royal Guard would've done (in fact, Beelzebub wouldn't have minded dressing up as a Siesta sister. Their outfits were so cute! And those ears looked so adorable and fluffy!

Come to think of it, didn't Gaap have a spare Siesta outfit she'd stolen from somewhere? Beelzebub had vague recollections of her forcing Virgilia to model it... Hmn...

Maybe she could bribe Gaap into giving it up for a few days...?)

Eventually Beelzebub was forced to come to the conclusion that Battler had disappeared.

All his epic words, overly-enthusiastic finger pointing and posing had been for naught. Like all men, he just tried to look big- but, in reality, he was weak!

A failure!

That thought should have made Beelzebub cackle like a maniac. After all, she'd won. Battler was simply unable to handle her overwhelming levels of awesome, and he'd left!

But, even though Beelzebub tried to force a laugh of triumph, she couldn't.

Instead, she pouted.

Being furniture to the Golden Witch, Beatrice, Beelzebub had come to share her master's love for cruel and unusual games. And what did Beatrice always say? It was always best if you won by grinding every cell of your opponent down into the dust and securing a perfect 'checkmate'! Only then could you laugh in their faces, trample their fragile hopes to irreparable tatters, and boast your true victory.

If your opponent simply gave up- if they folded, flicking their king over before the termination of the game- then you hadn't won properly. Your opponent hadn't given up because of you; no. They'd done it out of their own free will- their own choice. In essence, they had defeated themselves.

That was... so boring...

Beelzebub didn't want to give Battler a choice! As one of the seven stakes of purgatory- the cutest, most adorable one (in her opinion, anyway)- she couldn't let Battler get away without being punished! Beelzebub made a vow. She was going to scour every corner- every square centimeter, inch, yard and any other measurement of distance applicable- of the meta world until she found that weak, useless man, and then she was going to grab hold of him by his collar and force him to compete with her!

Maybe she'd go easy on him a little because he was only a weak, pathetic human with a stupid haircut.

No- better yet!

Maybe she'd pretend to be losing, to instill some hope into his tattered heart. He'd begin to feel he had a chance; he'd foolishly believe, like an idealist, that he could turn the hopeless situation around at the last second and pull off an amazing victory.

And then, once he'd started to regain his confidence-

Beelzebub would pull it all out from underneath him.

She'd crush him into pieces, and then she'd crush those pieces into pieces, and then she'd set fire to those pieces and scatter them to the wind!

After she'd had her fun reducing Battler into pieces into pieces into dog food into nothing she'd glue those poor, shattered, fragmented parts of Ushiromiya Battler back together, just to listen the sweet sound of his voice as he begged for forgiveness on bended knee.

And then she'd bake him.

And eat his cookies.

Right in front on his remains.

Or maybe it would better if he was alive when he did that, so she could see the look of pain and agony flicker across his face...?

And then, after she'd done that, she'd...

She'd...

Hmn...

Beelzebub didn't know. She hadn't planned that far ahead (Lucifer always scolded her for being too rash, but Lucifer was just a boring old hag in a pretty girl's body who couldn't understand the joys of youth!).

Beelzebub decided she'd probably kill and then revive Battler some more, over and over, to mess with his head. Or maybe she could give him to Asmodeus as a late birthday present? If she tied a ribbon around Battler's remains, or baked them into a cake, then maybe...

Would that work?

...Probably not.

Who would want to eat ashes in a cake, anyway?

"Whatever~" Beelzebub sang, her heart now filled with a newfound happiness (the prospect of mutilation and murder always cheered her up). "I'll just figure that difficult stuff out when I get to it! Gyahahahahahaha-"

"Ihihihi!~ I'm sorry to rain on your parade, but... Actually, no. I'm not!"

"H-huh?"

But Beezlebub never had a chance to turn her head. Faster than she could say "yippy skippy, it's Battler!' (not that she said that- or had any desire to say that. Instead, she said 'Kyahh! Get off me!'), she felt an arm wrap around her waist, whilst another went to the basket of cookies in her hands.

"U-ushirimoya Battler!"

"That's right~" Battler said, smirking- though the smirk was lost on Beelzebub, given he was stood behind her. "Well done! You get a point~ Ihihi~"

Whilst she'd been lost in her manic cackling, Battler had phased back into existence behind Beelzebub. From then on, it had been reasonably simple to grab hold of her- just like scooping a goldfish at a festival. Battler's left arm circled round her waist, whilst his free hand reached for the basket of cookies Beelzebub was trying to keep out of his reach.

"I-I don't want your points, idiot!" Beelzebub snapped, trying to drive an elbow into Battler's stomach- but, though he gave a small grunt of pain, it wasn't enough to make him let go. If anything, his grip on her became tighter.

Then, with a started squeak, Beelzebub felt wandering fingers pressing against her chest.

Her eyes widened.

"W-what are you doing, moron?"

"I'm trying to get my cookies back! It's not my fault your boobs are so huge they get in the way! And if I did grope them a little by accident-"

"If you could call things like that 'accidents' sexual harassment wouldn't even exist, you pus-head!"

Battler blinked at Beelzebub (more like, he looked down at the top of her head), frowning.

Pus-head...?

Really?

...

Whatever.

"...As I was saying, if I did grope them by ACCIDENT," Battler repeated, stressing the word, "it's your own fault. You shouldn't have stolen my food in the first place! It's not like I'm grabbing at them on purpose..."

There was a pause.

"I mean, not that much, anyway."

It wasn't a bad thing though, Battler reasoned. He was just punishing her for being a despicable human being (or was that 'piece of furniture'?) When he grabbed her boobs it might have looked like he was just some horny teenage kid trying to cop a feel, but that wasn't it at all!

...Mostly.

Battler was the divine spear of judgment, and each time he groped Beelzebub it was- in actuality- a huge step forward for the powers of light and good and justice!

...Or something.

It was difficult trying to formulate a decent reason for groping Beelzebub whilst he was actually doing it, but he was sure there was one somewhere.

"K-kyah! Pervert! Pervert!" Beelzebub squealed. "Y-you're the worst kind of person!"

"Says a girl whose hobbies include eating and repeatedly murdering my family members! Nu-uh! Don't pull the 'I'm a small, helpless victim' card on me- 'cause it's not going to work!"

"...Huh."

At that, Beelzebub stopped struggling and screaming. Her face, which before had been the perfect picture of scandalized shock, turned into something rather more cold and calculating.

She frowned.

"How would you like it if I pulled the 'I'm a big, bad, scary killer' card, then?" she asked. "I can do that pretty well too- as you already know. Kukukuku~"

"Ha!" Battler gave a dismissive laugh. "Just try it!"

Then, in one fluid movement, Battler released Beelzebub, took hold of her shoulders, spun her round-

And punched in the face.

Beelzebub's eyes widened in surprise as Battler's fist went ploughing into her cheek, a horrible crunch reverberating through the white corridors of the nondescript, undisclosed area of the meta world.

"O-ow!"

...Okay.

Maybe that was a little too much.

I-I stand by my earlier claims that it's completely justified, though!

Ihihihi...

At least it made that greedy stake let go of the basket- and punching a girl in the face was totally A-OK if it was for the acquisition of cookies! It was all for the greater good!

Eyes blazing with purpose and determination, Battler dove forwards and picked up the basket-

And then burst into another cloud of golden butterflies.

He was sure, when Beelzebub finally recovered from his surprise attack, she would not be a happy bunny.

In fact, she'd be the exact opposite.

She'd be an unhappy stake of purgatory.

And he was right.

Beelzebub watched Battler leave, her eyes narrowed with rage, at blood slowly trickled out of her nose.

Hissing like a cat somebody had just stuck a pin in, Beelzebub slowly wiped the blood away with her sleeve. It didn't help; instead, it only smeared a crimson line across her cheek, wrist and uniform.

Urgh... Blood was such a pain to wash out, too.

Lucifer would shout at her again.

It wasn't fair!

Beelzebub should've been the one eating those cookies, not stupid Battler with his stupid hair! Beelzebub was far, far more deserving of delicious sugary snacks; she was cute, and had huge eyes (not to mention her other assets, which were also quite huge), and shiny hair in an adorable style that would've been impossible to maintain without magic (or lots and lots of hairspray), and she was much, much better than Battler at absolutely everything! That went without saying!

Why should Battler get those cookies? Couldn't he make do with bread crusts and water? He was so unrefined and common he wouldn't even appreciate the taste right, like Beelzebub would. He'd just chomp through them in five seconds, not taking the time to savor the delicious flavor, or the aroma, which was just as important as the actual eating, and then... and then...

Beezlebub felt tears well up in her eyes at the mere thought of Battler eating those cookies- defiling those cookies.

Those cookies that should have been hers.

And, whilst Beelzebub wasn't the stake of envy, she couldn't help but feel incredibly jealous.

And incredibly vengeful.

"Fufu... Fufufufu..."

Beelzebub threw her head back, her cute twin drills bouncing, and began to laugh.

That was it!

She'd get her revenge on Battler! She'd make him sorry he ever even tried to take his own cookies back from her! Battler may have won the battle, but Beelzebub had just declared all-out war- and, in the end, she'd be the one laughing! Hell- she was the one laughing at the start, too! Would that help her chances of victory...?

Because Beelzebub would definitely win.

Ushiromiya Battler was no match for her.

Beezlebub didn't even need to consult Lambdadelta, the witch of certainty, about that. Because Beezlebub knew, without fail, she'd emerge the victor from this elaborate game.

She'd grind Battler's face into the floor and make him eat dirt- because that was all he deserved to eat!

"Gyahahahahahaha! Kyahahahaha- ow! B-big sis?"

Beezlebub looked up, wincing, to see the one and only Lucifer towering over her. Not that Lucifer was actually taller than her (well, maybe by a few inches...) However, at that moment she certainly seemed much bigger and far more important- mainly because of the very cold, arctic tundra freezing, very scary aura about her.

Lucifer had actually hit Beelzebub so hard in the head the younger stake saw stars; and not just metaphorical ones, either. Bright, colored blobs of magenta and lime green spun, dizzyingly, in her field of vision. It was a wonder Beelzebub had even been able to recognize her sister at all; but that disagreeable face was unmistakable as Lucifer's.

"If you've got enough time to stand around cackling to yourself then you've got enough time to find that dress I lent you, don't you?" said Lucifer.

Beelzebub sighed.

Why did her big sister have to burst her bubble? That was so selfish of her.

It wasn't like Lucifer had anybody to impress, anyway.

"Hoh~ It'll take more than a dress to improve the hideous train wreck of your body," Beezlebub muttered childishly.

...Looking back on it, that probably hadn't been the smartest thing to say.

Mainly because Lucifer heard her.

Okay, thought the much abused younger sibling, who now had a rather fetching black eye to match her bleeding nose, I'm definitely putting Luci as 'number two' on my list of people to terrorize...

It sucks being the younger sister.

Everybody uses me as like a punching bag.

At least I can always beat up Asmodeus.

Then again, I rather think she's too stupid to even realise when somebody's insulting her.


a.n: Why am I writing Beelzebub so much like Kasane Teto...? I think it must be something to do with the hair XDD
Well, I'm sort of having weird writers block on my Umineko fic, and... Yeah. I tried writing something else Umineko-related to get my 'flow' back, and I still think the writing in this is pretty stilted and clunky-sounding compared to usual (it took me three days to do this... Normally a chapter like this would take me three hours orz) but I tried :/
And, yeah, this is another Ronove/Battler fic. Or, in this case, Battler/Ronove.
Because I love this incredibly stupid pairing so very much XDD~

~renahhchen xoxo