An Unfortunate Outcome

'Not so unlucky after all'


Battler paused, face flushed- blinking, in surprise, at Ronove. Beato's butler had one hand pressed against Battler's chest, fingers splayed- keeping them apart.

Pushing Battler away.

Why was he doing that...?

Ronove hadn't shown any objections to Battler's 'affections' before- quite the opposite, in fact.

Why had he changed his mind?

That wasn't fair!

"H-hey, come on," said Battler, voice trembling with badly contained lust. "Don't get me all worked up like that and then... stop. D-don't mess around with me!"

"I rather thought you wanted me to 'mess around with you'?" Ronove asked, smiling; misunderstanding deliberately, just to be irritating. "You've changed your mind...?"

Battler's eyes narrowed.

"I don't mean it like that and you know it."

"I apolgise for misunderstanding, then."

"Y-you should."

"I just did."

Ronove's fingers gently cupped Battler's cheek as he spoke. Ronove's fingers were free of their usual gloves- Battler had no idea where they'd gone; probably to the same place as his own tie, his jacket, and his self control- and the sensation of skin against skin with no barriers between made Battler shudder. Ronove's gentle touch ensured Battler's eyes remained trained on Ronove's; blue staring into blue...

Battler flushed slightly. Something about Ronove's gaze was too intense- but, though he wanted to avert his eyes, he couldn't.

So Battler stood there, frozen. In stasis.

Unable to move.

Unable to even think properly.

All he could do was feel...


The light pressure of Ronove's fingers against his skin felt hot, leaving faint trails of fire along Battler's flesh; a strange, tingling sensation, like pins and needles (only far more acute) began to bloom where Ronove's fingertips touched skin.

"I assure you, it's not my intention to 'mess around with you'," said Ronove, smiling. "At least, not at the moment."

"O-oh really? A-and why should I believe you?"

Ronove smiled, drawing Battler in for a quick kiss- their lips pressing together for only a few seconds.

"Because I'm a gentleman." Ronove muttered this against Battler's ear, his voice barely a whisper- and though Battler couldn't see his face, he knew Ronove was still smiling his almost incomprehensible smile. That damn butler. "I keep my word."

"Aha... Ihihihi..."

"Is something funny, Battler?~"

Ronove's voice was teasing- but those fingertips, splayed across Battler's cheek, were even more so.

It wasn't... enough...

Battler felt his breath leave his mouth in short, sharp gasps; he was trembling, shaking, and Ronove wouldn't stop talking-

"Y-you call yourself a 'gentleman', but you're also a demon," said Battler, his own fingers taking hold of Ronove's- moving them away from his face.

It was difficult to think properly, let alone string together a half-comprehensible sentence, when Ronove kept touching him- especially after he was the one who'd told him to 'stop'.

What a hypocrite.

"Everything that you say's a lie anyway," Battler continued, glaring at Ronove- but not before his lips tugged into another challenging smile. "So why don't you put your mouth to better use?"

"Mn~ Battler, you're so incredibly charming."

"And sarcasm is the lowest form of wit."

"Pu ku ku~ Are you attempting to instigate an argument?"

"I wouldn't be tryingto instigate anything if you'd just... J-just..."


"S-stop making fun of me."

Impatient, cheeks flushed, Battler's arms encircled Ronove's waist- trying to pull that damn butler into another kiss.

But he couldn't.

Battler was met with a resistance- and he blinked, confused (almost disoriented) to find Ronove's hand pressed against his chest again. Denying him anymore of that delicious contact...

Battler's eyes narrowed.

"R-ronove..." Battler muttered, forcing the words through gritted teeth. "You're torturing me."

"Please don't be melodramatic."

"I-I can be as melodramatic as I want. I'm a teenager."

"And I'm a thousand years old~ Not the perfect basis for a functional relationship, is it?"

"Like I even care."

"I know you don't~ That's part of your appeal."

Ronove was smiling; smiling a horribly mocking way that made Battler want to punch him in the face and crash their mouths together at the same.

However, it'd probably be impractical, painful and incredibly trying to do that- so Battler decided he'd have to settle for the latter option.

That'd be more satisfying.

"J-just... A-ah... Ronove."

Definitely more satisfying.

Ronove blinked down at Battler- and, as Battler returned his gaze, Battler noticed Ronove's smile didn't look quite as fake as usual anymore.

It was more genuine- and his eyes were softer.

"I'm sorry if I'm... aha... 'torturing' you, as you put it," said Ronove; and, for perhaps the first time, that line actually sounded believable coming from Ronove's mouth.

Battler felt something in his chest begin to flutter. It felt... just a little... like he was going to be sick?


That was a romantic thought.

Face flushing, Battler ducked his head, hiding behind his haphazard, messy bangs.

Ronove's expression was far too sincere- not nearly as incomprehensible as it should've been- and it was making Ronove's embrace seem too tender, too caring.

And much, much too meaningful.

Battler shuddered as he felt Ronove's fingertips- bare flesh sliding against his, it felt good, almost electric (to use a terrible cliché)- cup his chin once more, bringing their eyes together in an overwhelming stare.

"I merely want to ask you a question," said Ronove.

"I-is that all?"

"Yes. Just one question. I promise."

"A-ah... I don't think much of your promises, you know."

"I'll keep my word. I swear."

Ronove's voice was soft, sensuous- and he could've said anything, really, and the result his words inspired in Battler would've been exactly the same.

Battler still would have moaned.

"Ihihi. A-and y-you choose now, of all times, to interrogate me? You have really sucky timing, I hope you know that, genius~" said Battler, voice laden with sarcasm; grinding his crotch against Ronove's to prove a point.

A low moan emitted from Ronove's lips- soft, breathy.


"S-see," Battler said, eyes narrowing. "You want this as much as I do."

"Be that as it may- a-ah... I can still control myself."

"And you're saying I can't?"

"You're not convincing me at the moment~" Ronove replied, voice light, teasing. He was smiling.

Battler rolled his eyes. "W-well, I'm sorry. I didn't realize having sex with you would require me to recite, I dunno, Shakespearean verse or something. Does foreplay always involve this much pointless talk, or is this just something about you?"

"I like listening to the sound of your voice."

"I-I like listening to the sound of yours when you're moaning a-and gasping even more... N-ngh..."

"Well~ We can save that for later," said Ronove, smiling. "After I've asked you my question."

Ronove's fingertips were gently tracing patterns against Battler's skin- and, as though Ronove were dipping his fingers into a pool of water, Battler felt ripples of heat spread across his face, throughout his body, at the lightest touch.

It felt like he was being manipulated.

His legs were weak; he was leaning against Ronove for support, sighing, his eyes half-lidded with lust-

And it didn't matter.

Battler liked being in control, he liked being a child- but if relinquishing control for a few moments resulted in a strange, over-powering rush of emotion and thought and feeling like that, then that... wasn't so bad... either...

"W-what do you want to ask?" asked Battler, his voice fragmented; beyond even trying to control himself. "H-hurry up..."

He was beyond caring.

Caring about anything other Ronove.

"Hmn~ This may sound like a strange question- and forgive me if it confuses you-"

"Most of the things you say are confusing," Battler cut in. "Why break with tradition?"

"Well, quite."

There was a small, short pause. Ronove's eyes (they were so blue- almost piercing- and far be it from Battler to wax poetic about somebody's eyes ((things every single human being had- so they weren't that amazing)), but they seemed to have some kind of magnetic power...) bore into Battler's.

The silence only lasted a few seconds- but, to Battler, it could have dragged on for years.

The lightest touch against Battler's skin made him gasp, impatient; wanting to press Ronove against him and lose some more of those stifling clothes- i-it was so hot, and he could barely breathe...



"This..." Ronove paused again- still smiling that painfully genuine smile- as he searched for the correct words. "Don't feel the need to give me an immediate response, but what you're saying- and doing... Are you acting like this merely to hurt Milady's feelings?"

It took a while for the full impact of those words to hit Battler.

And, when they did- his eyes widened.

What... was he doing?

Well, that question wasn't the complicated one; the answer to that was fairly simple.

But why?

Why was he doing it?

And that was the really confusing question.

Did it matter?

It didn't matter.

But the look in Ronove's face (Battler always found Ronove's unreadable expressions annoying, but his more vulnerable, earnest ones were even more so; mainly because they made Battler's heart constrict, his mind reeling with triumph he'd managed to procure such an honest expression from a reasonably untruthful person, and a strange feeling of warmth completely separate from his desire to control another person- their thoughts and feelings) suggested that it did matter.

To Ronove, at least.

Why did that damn butler have to make everything so complicated?

Hell, just doing this- whatever 'this' was- with him was complicated enough; did they really need to make it worse?

Was Battler just using Ronove to irritate Beato; an extension of their twisted 'game', and somehow Ronove got reduced to a piece?

Or was this result of some strange 'love potion X' that Battler hardly believed in anyway?

Or was this... something... else?

It had started because of Asmobub and their 'love potion'; that was when the paranoia had begun to brush at the fringes of Battler's mind, and he'd allowed himself to wonder what it would be like if he really did care about Ronove.

If he really did 'fall in love' with him.

And Battler's desire to command, to control- to, effectively, prove Beato didn't have sole rights over him (Battler could do whatever he wanted with whoever he wanted) and he could dominate people too- had fuelled those vague imaginings and paranoid thoughts.

But was that it?

Was that all there was to it?

If that was case, why- after Battler had already seen Beatrice's wide-eyed, confused, childish face- was Battler still pressing against Ronove, desperate for more?

"It's alright. You don't need to respond," said Ronove gently. He dipped his head- his lips inches from Battler's and his breath ghosting against Battler's face- when...


It was Battler who spoke that line this time.

Battler's hands were pressed against Ronove's chest, pushing him back- keeping him away- whereas, seconds before, Battler had invited Ronove's every touch, and had nearly collapsed into his arms. Battler's eyes were unreadable, the blue irises obscured by that messy red hair that would never lie flat- but, slowly, he brought his gaze up to meet Ronove's again.

Battler shivered.

"I-I don't know..." Battler mumbled, his voice thick with confusion. The same confusion that filled his eyes; made his expression significantly less straight-forward than general. "I don't know..."

"Don't give yourself a headache on my account."

"S-shut up," Battler responded, cheeks flushed. "M'not stupid."

And, to prove his point, Battler prodded one of the deep purplish-black bruises on Ronove's neck.

"A-ah... I-I never said you were. D-don't jump to conclusions."

"You still implied it."

"I-I apologize for any unbidden slight on your intelligence, B-battler... A-ah... P-please be careful..."

"Why?" Battler asked, voice speculative, as he pressed against the bruises on Ronove's skin with slightly more force. "Does it hurt?~"

"Q-quite a bit... A-ah..."

Battler's eyes hardened- and a small, almost non-existent smile wavered at the corners of his lips.


Ronove winced as Battler pressed intrusive fingers continued to trace patterns against the delicate, bruised skin of his neck. He shuddered, drawing away slightly- but Battler wouldn't let him, he didn't want Ronove to leave.

And that thought was just a little disturbing.


Why did he want to be with him?

Torn between wanting to push that stupid butler away (questions, questions, there were too many questions. Having sex shouldn't have been that complicated, damn it!), and- at the same time- wanting to wrap his arms round Ronove's middle and refuse to let go, Battler wavered.

He paused.

Then, his fingers reached forwards, grabbing Ronove's sleeve- pulling him forwards.

When Battler spoke, his face was flushed, his heart was racing and the words tumbled out of his mouth far too quickly.

"I-it's not just that, you know! I-it's not... I-I mean," Battler winced at his own ineloquence (he knew he wasn't the world's most 'charming gentleman', but being able to string together a half-way understandable sentence wasn't too much to ask of his brain, was it? ). "I mean... I-I did sort of... want to prove a point to Beato. I-I guess. Ihihi- it was pretty childish. And maybe it... u-um, this... all of this... started like that..."

Battler's voice wavered.

His grip on Ronove's sleeve tightened.

But his eyes narrowed with resolve.

"T-that's not the only reason, though!"


Ronove looked... surprised.

Battler wasn't smirking, or laughing, or acting arrogant.

He was almost like a completely different person to the one who'd confronted, taunted, Beatrice earlier.

This Ushiromiya Battler looked confused.


And determined.

Because no incarnation of Battler would ever give up.

"What is this other reason, may I ask?" said Ronove.

"You just did," Battler replied, the faintest smile curving his lips. "A-and I don't have to give you a response."

"Of course not."

"But... Ihihi... If you're that desperate, I will say this."

Moving quickly, Battler stood on his tip toes (damn- why did Ronove have to be taller than him? Battler wasn't particularly short- not at all- and all those other times Battler had kissed girls he'd had to lower his head. This was slightly irritating) and pressed his lips against Ronove's.

Battler's fingers buried themselves in Ronove's hair, pulling him closer- even closer (a complete contrast to that stuttered 's-stop' before)- as his tongue pressed against Ronove's; it was warm and wet and slick and Battler felt his body tremble.

Hurting Beato's ego wasn't the only reason for 'this'- not at all.

Neither was a love potion.

That had nothing to do with it.

There was something else...

Battler pulled away slowly, out of breath, his eyelashes fluttering open- to see Ronove's small, sincere smile.

"Is that what you wanted to tell me?" Ronove asked, feigning innocence (a wasted feat, considering his hair was messy, his breathing was uneven and his lips were swollen).

Battler shook his head.

"Not quite."

"What, then...?"

"Ahaha... I-it's a little embarrassing. Bu~ut..."


"I-I do kind of... Y-you know..." But words were rebelling against him- Battler couldn't think properly- and all that emitted from his lips were a few vague, garbled sounds.


He glared.




He smiled.

"I-I do like you, you know. M-maybe... Ahaha..."

Battler flushed- but his smile remained, and he didn't take his eyes from Ronove.

"Maybe just a little."

Ronove quirked a brow.

"'A little'?"

Battler smirked- then bumped their foreheads together gently, pressing another kiss against the corner of Ronove's mouth.

"Maybe even more than that. Who knows?~ You can figure the rest out for yourself."

"H-hey, Asmo!"

"Hn?" Asmodeus looked up from her toenails, which she'd been in the process of painting bright pink. Neon pink splotches were peppered across the carpet, too- but the twin-tailed stake didn't seem to care.

Knowing Asmodeus' hand eye coordination, creating a mess like that was only to be expected. Asmodeus had probably become accustomed to the field of chaos and destruction that surrounded her; she never seemed to notice when things went wrong about her anymore.

"Y-you didn't really give Battler a 'love potion', did you?" asked Beelzebub, her twin drills bouncing in distress as she swayed from side to side.

Asmodeus frowned, a look of intense concentration spreading across her face.

That was Asmodeus' 'I'm thinking' expression.

It looked painful.

But, after a short pause, her face brightened. She smiled.

"Nope! I didn't!"

"You didn't?"

"A potion like that doesn't exist," said Asmodeus firmly, nodding her head so her pigtails bounced- and very nearly upending the open bottle of magenta polish onto her bed as she did so. "I totally asked Zepar and Furfur about it, but they were all 'no! Nothing can substitute the amazing effects of true love! To think such a concoction could exist is blasphemy against our existences!' And then there were some creepy identical twin faces and over-dramatic posing, but I lost interest at that point. Fufufu~"

"Of course," said Beelzebub, nodding. "That makes sense..."

"It was only a prank. It's not, like, serious."

"Huh." Beelzebub rolled her eyes, flipping one of her blonde drills over her shoulders. "You try telling that to Bahhh~ttler, then."

"Why?" Asmodeus' eyes widened, and her voice dropped in volume- though it was still incredibly loud (Beelzebub had to wonder why she bothered; Asmodeus was about as subtle as an elephant on roller-skates). "What happened? What was he doing...?"

"You mean who was he doing."

Beelzebub groaned, pressing her hand against her forehead to stave off a headache.

She'd overheard Beato's argument with Battler and Ronove earlier; and the mere thought of those two crashing their lips together, desperate and needy- Battler believing himself to be under the influence of some 'love potion'- was...


Beelzebub wasn't sure whether that was incredibly disturbing or the most hilarious thing she'd ever heard.

Maybe both.

At least he joke had been successful.

Even if it did have, admittedly, a rather unexpected outcome.

"H-hey! I-I finally found it! B-but... W-what happened to it...?"

Lucifer was sat on the floor of Beatrice's room, the pile of inappropriate clothes Gaap had given Beato laid out before her.

And, in Lucifer's hands...

Was her black dress.

He favorite dress.

Or, at least, it had been, before Gaap had 'modified' it.

Make that, murdered it.

Lucifer's felt her blood begin to boil.

She was going to kill Gaap.


"S-so? Y-you want to start another conversation?" asked Battler. "Right now?"

"M-maybe... J-just for a while?"

"You're just trying to piss me off now, aren't you?" said Battler, voice deadpan- but he was smirking, ever so slightly. "Y-you're just... s-screwing around with my feelings..."

"Perhaps," Ronove answered, not sounding abashed or ashamed at all. He laughed. "Pu ku ku~ Just a little."

"D-don't you know you shouldn't mess around with a teenager's emotions?"

"Ma~aybe~ But seeing you get so flustered is worth it."

"Y-you sadistic bastard."

"Why thank you~"

Battler had Ronove pinned against his bedroom wall. There was barely any space between the pair; and one of Battler's legs was tangled between Ronove's, his knee pressing ever so slightly against Ronove's erection so every slight movement made him gasp.

Owing to Battler's strange fixation with human flesh (Battler blamed Beatrice for that. She was a bad influence- her and her weird goat butlers) several new bruises were splashed across Ronove's already bluey-black skin. His neck was slick with wet saliva- so warm (everything was so warm) and it didn't look healthy- not at all.

It was probably quite painful.

At least Battler hadn't bitten hard enough to draw blood this time.

"T-this... I-it started... W-when you tried to... Take some kind of revenge on Milady?" asked Ronove, his words fragmented with light moans as Battler's knee pressed against him.

"Y-yeah... You could say that..."

"A-and you thought you could achieve this b-by... by trying to eat me...?"

"Y-you're still annoyed about that?"

"Not particularly. I was never 'annoyed' to begin with. Although my neck does sting quite a bit."

"Ahaha. Sorry," said Battler, returning Ronove's smile with one of his own. "I-I just can't help myself. This isn't the best plan I've ever had, I'll admit. Ihihi~"

"I-it's not... the worst, though... I happen to have enjoyed it thoroughly. E-even the excessive biting... Pu ku ku~"

"You're not angry about it...?"

"Why should I be? Especially as this..."

Ronove drew Battler into another kiss- far more gentle than their previous ones; almost caressing- not violent or forced or desperate at all.

Battler didn't need to hurry.

Somehow, he was sure Beatrice wouldn't interfere for a while.

She was probably plotting something- like how to take her revenge- but Battler couldn't think about that now; not when Ronove's lips were against his. Battler's eyelashes flickered shut without his own accord as he lost himself into the mix of sensation until he all-but melted against Ronove)

When Ronove drew away for breath a string of saliva connected their open mouths- gossamer, shining slightly.

"As this is the result," Ronove finished- voice breathy, chest rising and falling in an irregular motion.

Battler's cheeks flushed slightly, his heart skipped a beat- and, despite himself, his lips curled into a smile.

"Ihihi~ Y-yeah... I guess."

When Asmodeus had given Battler that 'love potion', he'd been convinced it was just another misfortune to add the already extensive list of misfortunes that made up his life.

But maybe he'd been wrong.

It hadn't been that bad.

Not at all.

It couldn't have been.

Not when the outcome was so perfect.

The End

a/n: B-but I don't want it to be ;A;
This fic was /sooo/ much fun to write I don't even.
I feel I've lost part of my /soouulll/ now it's over XD
I guess I'll just go have to find some more Umineko crack pairings to write. But it won't be the same! ;A;

I lovelove Battler/Ronove and I accept it's not a pairing you can really make all adorable and kawaii desu cause the characters don't act like that and yeah complications are everywhere, but i still feel this epilogue is wayy more cute than it has any right to be, given the characters involved XDD Maybe it's a little ooc.

...It probably is.
A lot.
But I sort of like it anyway :D

As always, thank you to everybody who read, even if you didn't review, and I'm glad you liked my fic ^_^;
If you guys enjoyed it, I guess that's all that matters, and I feel very happy ^_^``

~renahhchen xoxo