Rating: M for language and implied naughtiness. Oh, and Sephiroth's voice because Cloud is silly like that.
Warnings: Apparently when my Cloud is really upset, he starts to sound like Cid. If you are easily offended about some of your favorite tropes or stories being picked on...yeah, don't read this.
Note: I love FF VII, and I enjoyed Advent Children. But do I actually own the franchise, plot, or characters? Actually...no, no I don't.
"I've thought of a wonderful present for you…shall I give you despair?" The air sang with the tell-tale warning of an attacking Masamune, and another part of the Shinra building was cut from the main foundation, and sent below to the pursuing hero.
Cloud Strife blanched, focused, and then cut through the offending piece with a grunt. He glanced up at his adversary, not daring to take his eyes off of the man.
His Buster sword came up in time to meet several strikes from the other before Sephiroth smirked, and with an extra strong shove, sent Cloud downward.
Cloud fell, twisted his body, and then embedded his blade into the side of the building, looking up at Sephiroth, who stood above him; always there, always out of reach, and always so damn superior.
The building creaked and groaned ominously, and silver-haired man above beamed maniacally as his voice dropped, and he purred out: "On your knees. I want you to beg for forgiveness."
The falling building froze in mid-air, the dust solidified, and the creaking and groaning of crumbling ruins of the dead city fell silent.
Cloud stood there, fuming. "Seriously? 'On your knees'?"
"It's in the script, Cloud."
"Like you haven't deviated from the script before!" Cloud yelled. "Remember Nibelheim? Huh?"
Sephiroth sighed, sounding tired, as if he had heard this same song and dance many times before…and he had. "You're never going to let that go, are you?"
"Cloud, it's called improvisation," the one-winged man said, tossing his hair with a frustrated motion over his shoulder. "Sometimes it adds to the movie."
Cloud growled, snatched his embedded swords out of the building, and made his way up to where Sephiroth was perched (damn god complex), hopping from outcrop to outcrop until he was face to face with Sephiroth…his enemy, his arch-nemesis...
"You weren't supposed to laugh, your shoes were not supposed to squeak, AND FOR GAIA'S SAKE YOU WERE NOT SUPPOSED TO TAKE A DAY OFF TO MAKE A PIE FOR JENOVA AND THEN SAY, ALONG WITH THE REST OF YOUR LINES, 'I BROUGHT YOU PIE'!"
Sephiroth cocked his head, considering his shorter companion. "You are passionate about this, it seems."
Cloud rolled his eyes, putting his swords back into one, and placing his weapon onto his back where it belonged. Sephiroth politely dismissed Masamune, sending the monster of a sword wherever it goes when it is not needed.
"Let's start over, Cloud," Sephiroth suggested. "Hello, I am Sephiroth. I'm working on becoming the god of this world so I can destroy it, take my alien 'mother', and move on to the next planet where I can pimp her out like the space whore that she is, and infect everyone. I enjoy sparring, fighting, killing monsters, and burning things with my bare hands. What's your sign, sweetheart?"
"'Do not enter'," Cloud snapped.
"Ooooh, feisty. I love it when they play hard to get."
"I'm being serious Sephiroth. You improvised at Nibelheim…and most of it was cut, which should tell you something about your improvisation skills right there," Cloud continued onward, ignoring Sephiroth's frown. "Can't you improvise on this too? Just…don't say that line."
A silver eyebrow was cocked upward at this. "You mean 'On your knees'?"
Cloud shuddered. "Yeah…don't say that."
"AND STOP SAYING MY NAME LIKE THAT!"
Sephiroth rolled his eyes, and crossed his arms over his bared chest. "Like what? Are you losing it again?"
"I'm not losing it again!" Cloud hissed furiously. "You say my name like…like you want to molest me or something!"
Sephiroth blinked, considering his co-worker for a few moments before throwing his head back and laughing…darkly, of course, because he didn't want to step out of character.
"I'm serious!" Cloud bellowed. "I could get you in trouble for sexual harassment!"
"On what grounds?" Sephiroth asked a minute later, after he had forced his laughter back under control. "I haven't groped you, kissed you, or bribed you for favors. Where's your proof?"
"Every time you talk to me, or say my name, it's…it's like your reaching out with your voice and trying to grope me," Cloud floundered but continued anyway. "And every single line you say to me…"
Sephiroth frowned. "What's wrong with my lines? You don't like them, take it up with the writers."
"Fuck the writers, YOU are the one who is fucking with their lines and making them all innuendos!"
"Cloud, this is how I always talk."
"I don't care! You'll stop it right now!"
Sephiroth sighed, shaking his head. "Cloud. Dear, dear Cloud, what is the real issue here?"
The other man now looked wary. "What do you mean?"
Sephiroth settled down onto the metal ground beneath him, and motioned for Cloud to do the same. "Cloud, what's really bothering you? You've never complained about my voice before," Sephiroth said cajolingly. "Maybe if you tell me the truth, I can help you."
"That'll just give them more ammunition," the blond muttered, looking away from curious green eyes.
"Who is 'they'?"
Cloud shuddered, slowly turning to look at Sephiroth, blue eyes wide with fear and horror. "The fan girls," he said in a whisper. "They follow us, they know everything about us, and they will take any scrap of information our bosses give them, any rumor, even the hint of a rumor, and twist it until it becomes something unholy and completely horrific."
Sephiroth, despite himself, was now intrigued. "And…what do these fan girls do?"
Cloud gulped. "They…dress up as us, act as us. What is terrifying is…what some of them write or draw in 'honor' of us."
Cloud was completely pale now, but he pressed on determinedly. Sephiroth took a moment to wonder what could spook the man so, and then wondered if his own courage would be up to snuff.
"Some…of them like to draw or create something to pay homage to me, you…or both of us."
Sephiroth frowned. "…I think your sentence structure needs work, Cloud, because you just repeated yourself."
"Sorry, but it's exactly how it sounds. Some create works of art with just me in it. Some create works of art with just you in it. And others…create works of art with both of us in it."
Sephiroth considered for a moment, pondering over a great many deep things, before smirking. "Bet there's more pictures of me kicking your ass than you kicking mine."
It was odd, but Cloud's face seemed to be turning red. "Sephiroth…most of them don't show us fighting."
Sephiroth huffed impatiently. "Then what the hell would we be doing in a picture together if we weren't fighting?"
Cloud was silent, and this forced the silver-haired man to think outside the box, if only for a moment.
"…wait a minute. Are we…?"
Slowly, Cloud nodded, now looking the very part of a man on death row about to bawl his eyes out after seeing the electric chair: a man who knew he was doomed.
Sephiroth prided himself on his courage and his tenacity. He was the son of Jenova, and he would one day be the new god of this world, and use the planet as his vessel to sail into the cosmos and into a new life filled with promise.
Yet the thought of strange…women…creating these works of fiction, based on him and Cloud interacting in an all-together non-violent way…
He wasn't sure what to make of it.
"Is that why you were upset with my lines? And my voice?"
Cloud nodded, now looking miserable and resigned. "Yeah. I just know the fan girls are going to have a field day with that one. 'On your knees'. Honestly, what were the writers thinking?"
"Perhaps that's what they wanted," Sephiroth mused, ignoring an indignant squawk from the blond. "What better way to entice people's wallets than with…eye candy?"
"You're not upset about this?" Cloud asked, sounding indignant.
Sephiroth's lips quirked ever so slightly. "Not in the least. I'll take any attention I can get. Besides, it's not like they're harming anything with their creative worshiping of me."
"That's not the point, it's- wait, what was that?"
"They are worshiping me in their own way," Sephiroth continued, a dreamy quality to his voice now. "They've already accepted me as their god…oh, Mother, you'll be proud when you find out…"
"Hell no," Cloud snarled, getting up and storming over to the still-seated man and poking him in the chest. "Get your head out of your ass and wake up. They are not worshiping you. They are indulging in their sadistic natures. Besides," he added with a huff. "If they worship you, then they're worshiping me as well, so there."
"I see. Well then, since you are apparently my equal in status, you have one of two choices."
"Say what?" Cloud asked, eyes narrowing.
"We can either continue as enemies, trash the set, and use your blood to paint the ceiling-"
"Wait, what about YOUR blood?"
"I'm a demi-god Cloud; I don't bleed. I just…disintegrate."
"Oh. Like a vampire."
"…anyway, there's either that, or we could do something…pro-active in regards to the fan girls."
Sephiroth stood, brushed himself off, fixed his hair, and looked down at the blond with a somber expression. He reminded Cloud of days gone by: of the old General who took his missions seriously, and had no problem looking death in the face and bonking him on the head with the hilt of Masamune.
He was about to propose something serious. Cloud prepared himself, determined to hear the other man out and nip this damn issue in the bud. Since it was Sephiroth, Cloud knew that it *might* hold a few grains of cold logic, which was probably exactly what this situation called for since-
"Would you care to go out for coffee sometime?"
Cloud blinked. A frown formed on his visage, and he flicked Sephiroth's forehead. "Idiot," he muttered, turning and walking away, off set.
Sephiroth followed him after a moment, smiling darkly. "Cloud…you should know that I enjoy a good chase-"
"FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING MESSIAH-COMPLEX FREAK AND GO FUCK YOURSELF!"
"I'd need your help for that one, Cloud."
Cloud let out a frustrated scream.
Three hours later, Sephiroth was sitting next to Cloud, enjoying his drink while the blond brought Tifa the bar girl up to date on the production of the movie. Sephiroth ignored Cloud's ranting for the time being, and instead chatted with his remnant on the other side of him. Yazoo was the boy's name, and he was usually over-looked in favor of his younger, more vivacious brother Kadaj. Sephiroth personally liked Yazoo better: he didn't act like a Prima Donna, he was quieter, and he knew his way around not only swords, but guns as well.
The hair was a plus too; it was long, as it should be.
Sephiroth was musing over the idea of asking the director to give Yazoo Kadaj's part when Tifa announced the bar was closing, and was asking everyone to finish their drinks.
"I…I don't get it," Cloud muttered, ignoring Tifa's announcement. Sephiroth guessed that the last call did not extend to Cloud.
"Why do they insist on doing this to us?"
Sephiroth rolled his eyes, nodded goodbye to Yazoo, and turned to look at Cloud. "Are you still going on about the fan girls?"
Cloud nodded glumly.
Sephiroth couldn't resist his curiosity. "Tell me, Cloud, what are some of the things they've…had us do?"
"What *haven't* they had us do is the more reasonable question," Cloud grumbled. "There are these websites where they can post what they created, and some of them aren't bad. There's this one picture of you and me and Zack, and we're all wearing a Ribbon in our hair. Then there's other pictures that…" he trailed off, shivering. Sephiroth patted his shoulder, offering his silent support.
"And then there's the fan fiction, oh god the fan fiction," Cloud moaned, head banging the counter and drawing stares from the now-leaving patrons. "Some are good and fun, don't get me wrong," he amended, poking his empty glass listlessly. "But others…"
"Give me some examples Cloud," Sephiroth encouraged, nodding his thanks to Tifa as the barmaid slipped into the back kitchen to give them privacy.
"There's always the 'hey let's see if we can get Sephiroth and Cloud in a relationship when Cloud was a new cadet at Shinra'," Cloud sighed. "Seriously, when I joined up I wasn't even fifteen yet. Ugh."
"That would have put a bit of a damper on our relationship, yes," Sephiroth agreed good-naturedly.
"Then there's the time travel fics, normally where I get sent back in time to try to save your ass."
"As if my divine ass needed saving from the likes of you."
"Exactly! Then there's the PWP."
"PWP?" Sephiroth asked, confused.
"Plot What Plot," Cloud explained, shivering again. Sephiroth glanced around to see if a window was opened; there wasn't one.
"Those are mainly stories of us just…doing stuff to each other."
"But how did we get into that situation?" Sephiroth asked, frowning. "I demand a logical explanation if I read something like that."
"Sometimes…there isn't one. I guess it's a way for the author to let off steam or to please the fan girls."
Sephiroth considered this, nodding after a moment. "I see. Continue."
"Let's see…I'm going by what's the norm with us, but you nearly always top me, you occasionally rape me, you don't have a clue about emotions or relationships, and you can be saved and or redeemed through love, or at the very least, by lusting after my ass."
"It is a very well-developed ass Cloud," Sephiroth nodded.
"Yes, thank you. Another thing is that they like to make fun of me by making me seem like an emotional cry-baby that's completely innocent, even after you've had your wicked way with me several times over. I also tend to be bullied and beaten up a lot when I'm still a cadet, and you tend to get very possessive. It is also not uncommon for them to come up with some scheme to get me to cross-dress, as if doing that for the first game wasn't bad enough."
Sephiroth stared at the blond next to him, green eyes clear and thoughtful. "I have a plan on how to fix this."
Cloud lifted his head up, blue eyes wide and hopeful. "Really?"
Sephiroth nodded curtly, all business. "Yes. We can do what we would actually do if we were in a relationship-"
"Sephiroth, we're not in a relationship!" Cloud roared.
"Take it easy Strife before you have a heart attack," Sephiroth sniffed. "I would be willing to do the whole shi-bang for you since I respect you: dates, movies, candle lit dinners, slow seduction, that sort of thing."
"I have a better idea," Cloud countered, shoving his glass away and glaring up at Sephiroth. "How about you just impale me a few extra times with that huge fucking sword of yours, and then the fan girls will understand that you don't want me, and they'll leave us alone."
Sephiroth froze for a moment, then tilted his head, considering. A small, barely-there smile quirked at the corners of his lips, which added to the devious look in his eyes. "Cloud, you do realize that they would see that as a euphemism."
Cloud frowned, stood, and headed towards the door. "Yeah right. Fan girls are silly, but they're not stupid. You drag out the fight long enough, and put me through enough pain, and they're bound to realize that we don't like each other, and even if you did like me, I could like you because you keep hurting me. Sound good?"
Sephiroth knew a lost battle when he saw one, so he agreed, and they were both on set the next day to finish up the fight.
On the night of the release, Sephiroth was found in the privacy of his own rooms, with Cloud bawling his eyes out on his shoulder. "I told you they would see it as a euphemism," Sephiroth sighed.
AN: This has been rattling around in my brain since I saw Advent Children again a few months back, and it kept growing and wouldn't leave me alone. This is my attempt at poking fun at some common Cloud/Seph tropes. Just because I made fun of it doesn't mean I hate it; I'm just making fun of something I see a lot of. I've read quite a few FF VII fics since I got into this fandom (which, in all fairness, wasn't that long ago) so I feel somewhat confident in poking these. Thanks for reading!