A/N I don't own anyone. Darn, now you all know my dirty little secret.
Warning: This story contains semi-mature content do to the implied use of drugs. It's borderline M rating, but it won't be so graphic you'll have nightmares. This is a dark-fic though, so if you want a nice little fluffy fic this won't exactly be it.
Thank you for the wonderful reviews!
I give up.
There is no fighting it and no matter how hard I try I can hear it calling to me, begging for me to give in and take it. Didn't want it to have to come to this, thought I could be stronger than this...better than this.
Tried so hard, called Helena three damn times and nothing.
Even she's given up on me.
Need to stop resisting, need to give in and welcome the rush. Feel it surge through me and grant me that illusive peace my mind rarely has.
Sorry for doing this, so, so sorry. Hurting her. Hurting Tot. Hurting everyone but don't care, need this so bad I can't stand it.
Held it to my arm earlier, thought it'd make me snap out of it.
Wanted to press it as far into my arm as it would go, wanted to watch the needle disappear into my skin and feel that rush pumping through my veins. Tried so hard to fight it but what's the point? I'll just end up miserable and needy. Staying away is so easy except when it's in your fucking closet and it's all you can think about.
I give up.
I'm giving in.
Helena anxiously turned the page to read the next entry knowing full well half of what was written wasn't legible. She sighed and prepared to attempt to understand it.
Huntress froze and slowly looked up at Vic. "Q...?"
"Tired...Need to sleep." He mumbled attempting to drift off again.
"Oh no you don't!" Helen snapped slapping him on the arm and making him yelp, momentarily forgetting his fragile state.
Q blinked tiredly and looked at her, "You're back."
"Y-Yeah." She mumbled.
"Where are we?"
"The hospital." She said tonelessly.
For a second he looked at her in slight surprise in confusion until realization dawned. His gaze tore away from her and he stared at his bed sheets.
"Oh." He muttered.
"Why-I mean how...?" She trailed off, unsure of how to proceed.
Q was silent as he stared down, refusing to look at her.
"Q...Look at me." Helena demanded gently.
Vic said nothing as he stared at his sheets.
"Vic, look at me." Helen said a little more forcefully.
He continued to stare. How could he possibly look at her after failing in such an awful way? How could she expect him to see that look of repulsion and disappointment and manage to make eye contact?
"Hey," She whispered cupping his chin in her hand. "Look at me."
She tilted his head up so they were at eye-level. Vic looked at her expressionless face and choked back a sob. "I'm sorry." He whispered. "So, so sorry."
"I know." She replied quietly climbing next to him in the hospital bed.
"I-I didn't want too at first, I mean I thought if I heard your voice, that, well...It didn't work." He muttered.
She wrapped her arms around him and held him tightly. "I know, and I'm sorry too."
"W-Why?" Q asked, startled.
"I didn't answer." She explained softly. "And I'm never going to forgive myself for that."
Guilt suddenly surged through him even stronger. "N-No, don't do that. D-Don't, I-I don't want you to-God, I'm an ass." He finished shaking his head sadly a few tears slipping down his cheeks as she held him tighter.
"Don't feel bad, please?" He begged. "I-I won't be able to take it."
She kissed him softly. "Shh, Q, it's okay." Huntress soothed.
"No it's not." He argued bitterly. "Now you know and now you're going to leave me."
Helena looked at him, startled. "Why the hell would I do that?"
"Not a good man, Helen. You deserve better."
Helena scowled at him, "And you need a therapist."
"It's been said."
For a few moments they were silent, unsure of what to say or do next.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Helena asked suddenly. "I would've understood."
"I-I was afraid." Vic said quietly. "That you were going to leave me or that you'd hate me or-"
"But I don't." Helen cut in. "And you should've known that."
"Y-You're too good for me Helen. Thought if you knew that then you'd leave." He looked at her sadly. "Don't ever want you to go."
"I'm not." She assured him. Huntress looked at him sadly, "And I thought you trusted me."
"I do." He said quickly. "It's not about trust. Just, I've done so much that I regret and I-I don't deserve to be happy. Every time I feel it it never lasts."
"What, so you think we're not going to last?" She frowned.
"I-I want us to. God, I want us to, but, statistically it doesn't make sense."
"Gotta love a guy who leaves romance up to statistics." She sighed.
"I'm sorry." They both knew he wasn't just apologizing for his confidence.
"I-I tried Helena, I really did." He muttered beginning to crack. "I didn't want to and I thought I could fight it but-"
"Shh, Q." She whispered, lightly giving him a kiss.
"I-I kept thinking 'what if I took it and then you came back and we ended up in bed and you ended up pregnant?'. It-It would be a crack baby and-"
"Shhh..." She repeated soothingly as she rocked him in her arms. "It's okay, I love you."
"Why?" He asked suddenly. "I don't have any money."
"I'm not sane." He continued.
"Neither am I."
"I-I can't give you children." He hung his head in shame. "Y-You told me you always wanted a daughter and you'll never get one. I can't even give you my goddamn sperm."
"If I ever feel the urge to mother we'll adopt." She said confidently.
He looked at her sadly. "See. You're to good for me."
She gently brushed a strand of hair from his forehead. "Guess you'll have to learn to deal 'cause you're stuck with me."
His face suddenly fell. "But what if...What if it happens again? I can't do that to you."
"If it happens again you won't have to worry about the drugs killing you." She said in an eerily calm voice. "I love you Vic, but if you do this to me again I'll kill you."
He looked at her in disbelief. "You're really staying, aren't you?"
"Yes." She said softly. "I really am."
She felt Q bury his face between her neck, lightly kissing it. "I love you so, so much Helena..."
"I know baby." She murmured wrapping her arms around his neck. "I love you too." She whispered as she held him tight.
She didn't ever want to let him go.
A/N Read and Review