Tack to my fantastisch beta, Zewy! Hope I didn't butcher that. :3

The day after the X-Men's food fight, they were once again shame-facedly in the rec. room, though this time afforded the luxury of the couch for their lecture. Logan paced in front of them, looking horribly like a Nazi general, as he thought up his plan of attack. Abruptly, he stopped and turned to them.

"I spent a lot of time thinking up a good punishment for you . . . things." Logan started, voice growly. "And I have a feeling you're going to just love me afterwards. It'll only last a week, but it should be enough to eradicate any sexism or man-bitch problems you things have."

There were confused muttering between the teens, then the Professor rolled in.

"I need Scott and Jean to come with me." He said, and Scott and Jean stood, glaring at each other, and followed the Professor.

"Y'all'd better not move a muscle." Logan snapped, following the three out of the room. Rogue, Evan, Kitty, and Kurt exchanged nervous glances, but stayed silent. By picking off the strongest first, they'd instilled fear in the young ones. Down the hall, there was hoarse shouting and muffled screaming. Kitty's eyes widened and she curled into a ball.

Moments later, 'Scott' and 'Jean' staggered back in, gripped on the arms by Logan, followed by the Professor. 'Scott' was shaking 'his'head and 'Jean' was stomping and looking limp and angry yet shocked and scared, blinking hard every few seconds.

"Kitty, Kurt." The Professor said quietly. Kitty shook her head and scrunched herself up tighter, if humanly possible. Logan hauled her off the couch. When Kurt resisted, Logan pulled him down the hall by his tail, much to his loud protests.

"What did they do to you?" Evan asked quietly to 'Scott'. 'Scott' shook 'his' head. 'He' tried to talk, but sounded like 'he' was choking and 'his' voice broke several times.

Down the hall, there were equally high shrieks, announcing Kurt and Kitty to return. 'Kitty' was slouching oddly, and 'Kurt' was walking like 'he' was strapped to a board, tail dragging oddly on the ground. 'Kitty' was twitching.

"Evan and Rogue, please." The Professor requested, as if he were picking out cupcakes at the bakery. Rogue nervously messed with the cuffs of her gloves as she followed Logan and the Professor and Evan in a resigned sort of way.

It was quiet for several moments, then there was loud cursing. "Logan needs to keep a lid on his foul mouth." 'Scott' said oddly, in a prim sort of voice. Suddenly, over the cursing, Logan's voice rose.

"Keep your gloves on, Stripes!"

"Zat's not Evan." 'Kitty' said in a strangled way.

"The Professor?" they chimed, shocked.

'Rogue' and 'Evan' returned, looking normal-ish, though 'Rogue' looked not at all afraid of touching things, whereas 'Evan' looked dumb, shrinking away from people when they got near 'him'. The Professor looked murderous, wheeling into a dark corner and glaring at the students as Logan addressed them again. [1]

"By now you all understand your punishment. This will last for a week," he raised his voice over their loud protests about unfairness, "and you'll live with it! You brought this on yourselves, and yes, you're going to school, you nitwits! You're not getting out of school for this. And if this doesn't solve the sexism and man-bitch arguments, nothing will."

"A week? C'mon, Mr. Logan, can't it be, like, three days or something?" 'Kurt' whined, earning a glare from 'Kitty'.

"No, it will be a week, Kurt. Anybody else want to argue?" Logan said, emphasizing Kurt's name. 'Kurt' looked like he was about to protest, but didn't.

"I think it's unfair to treat us this way for a whole week, Mr. Logan. I agree with Kit—uh—Kurt, three days would be fine, teach us a good lesson." 'Scott' spoke up.

"For that, DR. Now." Logan said. "Explore your new bodies."

"Eew, you, like, sound totally like our Health teacher!" 'Kurt' squealed in a thoroughly un-Kurt-ish way. 'Kitty' gave 'him'a scathing look.

"You're keeling my reputation, Keety." 'She' said, then looked sad. "Ach, Mensch, I vos hoping I'd be able to say zings normally now. Zough it is nice looking and feeling normal vizout an inducer. Oh, Keety, remind me to get zat for you later." 'she' said.

"Shut up and suit up!" Logan barked. They hurried out the door, tripping on extra appendages or impaired vision or huge feet.

'Kitty', 'Jean', and 'Rogue' headed uncertainly towards the girls' changing room, whereas 'Kurt', 'Scott', and 'Evan' trooped right into the boys' changing rooms.

"If you need help with bodies, you know where we are." 'Scott' said.

"Ditto." 'Jean' grunted.

The 'girls' were the first to encounter trouble "with bodies".

"How the hell . . . ? Ugh, God, this is too weird." 'Rogue' groaned, trying to unclasp 'her' bra, clawing at 'her' back awkwardly. 'Kitty' laughed at 'her' plight, while 'Jean' came to help.

"Okay, that's really awkward." 'Jean' said, backing away from 'Rogue' and shaking 'her' hands like 'she'd just touched a plague victim.

'Rogue' reached up and grabbed 'her' uniform, then turned around to put it on. "Jesus, they bounce!" 'she' cried in surprise. 'Kitty''s laughter doubled. "You're lucky, Kurt, you have small ones. How the hell am I supposed to fight with these things on my chest! I'm seriously starting to appreciate how girls always stand up straight."

In the boys' changing room, though, the 'boys' were faring better, but not by much.

"Eeeyaaagh!" 'Kurt' yelped, looking thoroughly disgusted with 'himself', stepping on 'his' tail as 'he' tried to back up. "Jesus Christ! How does he deal?.!" 'He' cried exasperatedly. "This is so weird, having this junk hanging around."

"What, th' tail, or th' otha junk?" 'Evan' laughed suggestively. 'Scott' snorted.

Other than that, 'Evan' was quiet as 'he' suited up, a spike accidentally popping out of 'his' arm. 'His' eyes bugged and 'he' ran into the bathroom. They heard the sounds of dry retching, and 'he' came back looking wan and pale under 'his' dark skin. 'Scott' suddenly stomped his foot.

"I hate not having telekinesis!" 'he' whined. 'Kurt' was wrestling 'his' body as it contorted oddly, rebelling against Kitty's mind, and wrapping itself around the locker door.

"SOMEBODY GET KURT!" 'he' shouted, smacking 'his' tail down onto the bench and yelping with pain. 'Scott' obliged, popping into the girls' room. 'He'walked in as 'Jean' was still suiting up.

'Jean' looked up, surprised and guilty-looking, yet confused as 'she' dropped 'her' breasts from when 'she'd been looking at them.

"Eew, Scott, you creeper, stop abusing my body! Stop looking at my body!" 'Scott' shouted at 'Jean', then turned to 'Kitty', who had a look of fake innocence on 'her' face. Jean suspected Kurt had been doing the same to Kitty's body. "Kurt, we need you. Minor emergency." 'Scott' said, then there was a frustrated howl from the open door, followed by cursing. "Scratch that, major emergency."

'Kitty' jumped up and followed 'Scott' back into the changing room where 'Kurt' was looking incredibly pained (mentally) as 'he' wrapped 'himself' around a locker. 'Kitty' fought the urge to laugh/rescue his body from Kitty's maniacal mind.

"Relax!" 'she' barked. 'Kurt' unwound 'himself' from the door and slithered down onto the bench, looking up at 'Kitty' in a defeated way.

"I've got, like, a dead snake hanging off my butt. Help." 'He' said very plainly. 'Kitty' frowned.

"Learn to use it. I vould say "or lose it", but I do vont it back. How do you function vizout a tail?" 'she' demanded, turning to look at 'her' own butt. "Or not being able to move at all?"

"Okay, look, just because you're, like, Mr. Rubber Band and now you're stuck in a normal body doesn't mean you have to insult it." 'Kurt' growled, then looked surprised at the animalistically feral growl that had rumbled out of 'his' chest.

"Yes, you're more animalistic now. Just stretch and learn how far you can go. Try moving my—uh—your," 'Kitty' ground out, looking confused, "tail. Keep relaxed, and to teleport, concentrate on ze place and just let it go. It feels like a hiccup."

"Ohh-kay," 'Kurt' said doubtfully.

"Move, ladies!" Logan shouted, storming in and making them jump. 'Kitty' turned around, looking angry.

"I'm not a lady!" 'she' shouted at Logan.

"Ya look like one to me." He smirked and left.

"God, I hate that sadist." She growled and slouched out the door. 'Kurt' stood slowly and walked—inched would be a better word—towards the door, tail snaking around in huge arcs, trying to imitate the way it had moved when Kurt inhabited the body.

'Evan' and 'Scott' followed more easily, looking reluctant and somewhat scared.

"Here goes nothing. Keep stuff away from your crotch. It's okay to be hit in the chest, it won't hurt. Use everything you've got, and for God's sake, keep stuff from hitting their chests, I'll wince every time something hits them." 'Scott' muttered to the other boys, who nodded.


After an agonizing run on a baby-level (the agonizing part was having their arses whooped by the baby-level), the six cleaned up and retreated to Kurt's room, it being the biggest. They sat on the bed and floor and chairs ('Kitty' grumbling about not being able to hang from the chandelier, urging 'Kurt' ((much to 'his' horror, 'he' didn't trust 'his' tail)) to do so) and plotted revenge.

"This man must be tortured." 'Scott' declared. There was a unanimous head-nodding. "But how?"

"Practical jokes!" 'Kitty' yelped. "Hair on his toozbrush, rocks and hairbrushes in his bed, alarm set impossibly to go off every five minutes . . ."

"Switch him into Kurt's body, this thing kills anybody." 'Kurt' muttered as 'his' tail smacked 'him' in the face and 'he' growled at it and threw it onto the bed. It continued to twitch defiantly.

"Vorsicht, zat's mine body you're talking about!" 'Kitty' said in a tone that would have been chilling, scary, and Hitler-like if it wasn't coming from a sweet-looking, fifteen-year-old 'girl'.

"Switch him with Auntie O!" 'Rogue' said. [2]

"No, no collateral damage. Plus the Prof wouldn't be in to this." 'Jean' said, chin in hands.

"Disable his powers and give him some really bizarre power, like being able to arrange flowers zat come out of his knuckles instead of claws?" 'Kitty' suggested, anger forgotten.

"No surgery." 'Jean' said dismissively. 'Kitty' looked sad.

Suddenly, 'Kurt' got a beautiful brainwave. "Drag queen!"

"What?" the chorus was aimed at 'him'.

"Turn Logan into, like, a drag queen, against his will. Jean, telepathically make him sleep, and I'll give him hair extensions, we'll switch all his clothes to girly things, give him really really long-lasting makeup, shave his chest and legs and arms, give him, like, high heels, make him not able to buy new manly clothes. And take away his Harley." 'Kurt' said.

'Kitty' smiled evilly. "Zat's brilliant! Ze Harley zing vill keel him."

"How do I disable someone telepathically?" 'Jean' asked. 'Scott' smacked 'his' forehead.

"It could kill someone if you do it wrong. You focus on them, and sleeping really deeply, not waking up until you snap your fingers or stomp your foot or something. Though Logan has really tough mental blocks. You'd have to wait until he's asleep and the blocks are down. Just don't kill him. I don't want to be charged with murder." 'Scott' said. 'Jean' nodded solemnly.

"When d' we move out?" 'Evan' asked.

"Now." 'Rogue' said. "Ah'll go hayde his clothes." 'She' got up and left.

"I'll totally go get my makeup." 'Kurt' said, teleporting away.

"That's something I thought I'd never hear Kurt say." 'Jean' said.

"Hey, I'm right here. Keety said zat." 'Kitty' said.

"Yeah, I know, but . . . whatever. It's just weird hearing your body say that."

'Kitty' nodded.

Minutes later, 'Kurt' had a death grip on the ceiling in a shadowy part of the room where Logan was dozing. His breathing pattern changed . . . time to move in. 'He' crawled down the wall awkwardly and uncertainly.

"He's dead asleep." 'He' said. The six teens rushed into the room. 'Jean' screwed up her face in concentration. Logan fell into a comatose state. 'Evan' anxiously felt for a pulse. 'He' nodded and gave a thumbs-up. 'Rogue' looked relived and started ripping Logan's boots off. The gruff instructor disappeared in a mass of students. A razor flashed, mascara was uncapped, high heels brandished.

The 'boys' were clustered around Logan's head, braiding in extensions, doing makeup perfectly.

"Razor." 'Kurt' held out a hand. 'Rogue' handed him a razor and the water and shaving cream. 'Kurt' shaved Logan's face, then arms, chest, and legs. "God, this man is, like, really hairy."

"You said it." 'Evan' said, not taking 'his' eyes off of the eyeliner 'he' was working on. 'Scott' was doing one half of Logan's hair extensions, waiting for 'Kurt' to do the other half.

'Jean' and 'Rogue' were jamming Logan into a pair of man-sized skinny jeans, looking frustrated and incredulous that there were actually man-sized skinny jeans. 'Kitty' halted the boys for a moment and fumblingly put a super-über-padded-bra and Abercrombie shirt on him. 'Kurt' paused for a moment and put fake silicone bra inserts in the bra, then went back to hair. The 'girls' insensitively rammed Logan's feet into two-inch black pumps as the 'boys' finished his hair and makeup.

"We need to prop him up near a mirror so we can do his hair properly—damn, we didn't shave his sideburns! Razor!" 'Scott' said and took care of the sideburns quickly. After several minutes of labored work, they dragged the instructor to a full-length mirror, propped him up, and 'Evan' put his hair up in an elegant feminine style.

They dusted their hands off, looking pleased at their work. Quickly, they retreated to good places to watch the reaction, and 'Jean' woke the gruff man.

Instantly, they regretted it. It was like Hiroshima going off, sans radiation. Logan was incoherent except for "What the hell, what the hell!" and select pre-Revolutionary-War cuss words (showing just how ancient this drag queen was). He tried to push his claws out, but the series of rubber and braided floss bracelets the 'boys' hand put on his forearms stopped him from doing that, and the numerous chunky rings the 'girls' found helped too.

"I'm a lady!" he bellowed incredulously, ripping at his hair, which would not yield. Neither would his clothes, and certainly not his makeup.

"Dude look like a lady," 'Jean' sang softly, Aerosmith's song "Dude Look Like a Lady". [3]

Logan looked furiously for the source of the song, but didn't see them until they stepped out.

"Now you know how we feel. You know, the Constitution outlaws cruel and unusual punishment." 'Scott' said very matter-of-factly. Logan snarled at 'him'.

"Get this shit off me!"

"Langvage, Herr Logan." 'Kitty' said, crossing 'her' arms. 'Kurt' bared 'his' teeth in a smile, swishing 'his' tail.

"Here's tha deal. Ya get Professor X t' change us awl back, and we take . . . that . . . offa ya." 'Evan' said, gaze raking Logan's body.

"You'll suffer your punishment full term!" Logan growled.

"Then you totally will too." 'Kurt' said, frowning at Logan.

"Oh no, I won't. See, here's what's up, Kurt: I'm an instructor and you're not. You're in no position to tell me what to do. Now you give me back my clothes and get this crap out of my hair and off my face, and your punishment stays at a week. You refuse, and it goes to two weeks." Logan growled, low and dangerous. Scott looked slightly scared. 'Kitty' was glaring and baring 'her' teeth at Logan, which does not work when you don't have two-inch fangs to bare.

"X-Men." 'Jean' said suddenly, and they huddled, whispering furiously and stealing sidelong glances at Logan.

"We'll take tha two-week punishment, if it means ya'll go 'round lahke that." 'Evan' said, crossing his arms. 'He' added snidely, "Miss Loraine."

Though this is almost ver batem The Misfortunes Of Logan, it deviates! It will focus on the kids, not Logan, and detail their interesting two weeks of punishment.