If you go down to the 11th to day
A one-shot on crack. like mountains of crack. With quite a bit, (a lot) of OOC behaviour. This is quite a stupid story really, and its not the best I've written either. So apologies for that.
I have no rights to bleach. But I do have the right to party!
There is one use of swearing in this story, just a warning to you all.
It was two weeks after the betrayal of three of the captains and to understate things, the soul society was still massively messed up.
Everyone was running back and forth, trying to help the 5th 9th and 3rd divisions sought things out. Investigating the lieutenants for possible sympathies to the traitors. (including one fruitless attempt to interview Momo, who was still in a comma.) And trying to repair the surprisingly large number of destroyed buildings and walls.
For this and more, a captains meeting was called.
Thanks to the work of Unohana the captains were all back on there feet. And were now discussing what was to be done about the damages to the 12th squad's buildings.
It was then that Soi Fon realised that Kurotsuchi was not present.
Nor was Kenpachi, but that was normal, he often turned up late or not at all.
"Where is Captain Kurotsuchi? He should be here for this discussion." Toshiro asked looking at the head captain.
"He is currently involved in an attempt to kill Kenpachi." Yamamoto said gravely. There was a slight pause. "Next order of business!"
"WAIT!" Soi Fon asked shocked. "Two squad leaders are trying to kill each other and that's all you say?" across from her Toshiro nodded.
There was a longer silence.
"It was caused when Kenpachi became drunk last night, he then took off his eye patch and destroyed most of the 12th labs." Yamamoto explained. "It should work its self out if we leave it alone."
Soi Fon waited for the punch line. After a moment she realized he was serious.
"So why don't we arrest him? For that or for attacking two captains?"
"He broke my good helmet." Komamura mumbled, "Helmets are expensive."
"Or how about the amount of buildings he destroyed, for no good reason may I add, fighting Kurosaki?" Toshiro asked annoyed.
There was a collection of sighs from the rest of the captains.
"Well they are the two newest, I honestly think they weren't around last time." Kyōraku said gravely.
"Last time? Last time what?" Toshiro asked with him and Soi Fon increasingly feeling like they were out of the loop.
"Before you two became captains, we agreed with you." Unohana began to explain. "We tried to field marshal Kenpachi when ever he broke walls, attacked people or was found face down in a pool of other peoples vomit." Unohana gave them a "Don't ask" look.
"And so we sent Kuchiki to take him in." Ukitake told them gesturing to the noble captain.
"He hasn't been the same since we sent him to the 11th" Kyōraku said, the smile gone from his face. "Hey Byakuya! Can you pop down to the 11th squad?"
At that Byakuya span round, his eyes wide "I don't want to go to the 11th!" he yelled hysterically, already reaching for his sword. "You can't make me go!" he drew his sword and looked around terrified.
Unohana reached out and put her hand on his shoulder, "Shh shh its ok no one is making you go places you don't want to." She gave the now ranting man a hug and he finally calmed down whimpering slightly.
"What… the HELL?" Toshiro asked, horrified.
"We don't know for certain but we think that lieutenant Yachiru is responsible" Yamamoto said looking quite concerned about the almost hysterical man who was now mumbling about a "Pink demon."
"She's got the mind of a nine year old!" Soi Fon exclaimed.
"So you have never seen her fight?"
"Any way, after that we all agreed to keep as few people from going to the 11th as possible. Except for messengers and its own squad members we leave that place to its own devices." Komamura said weakly.
There was a loud crash, and Kurotsuchis bankai crashed through the wall and skidded to a halt in front of Yamamoto. No one but Soi Fon and Toshiro even batted an eye.
"Is... is that Kurotsuchis scythe? The one that's in his ear?" Toshiro asked pointing at the blade that was embedded in the bankais skull. "He pulled the guys ear off and killed his bankai with it?"
There was a scream and a limbless Kurotsuchi flew into the room, went straight past them all, hit the opposite wall and kept going.
Kenpachi entered holding his sword in one hand, and a right leg in the other. He walk past them all, laughing, kicked a fourth hole in the room and jumped out to go find Kurotsuchi.
The room was deathly silent except for the baby faced caterpillar dissolving into poisonous goop.
"So if you two want to arrest him that's fine but you will be on your own." Yamamoto said casually. He then straightened himself and called out: "Next order of business!"
Five hours latter Toshiro and Soi fon entered the 11th division with a squad of ninjas in toe. They had lost Matsumoto when she finally learnt where they were going and disappeared with the same speed as when someone mentioned paperwork. Soi fon was so impressed she had asked for a swap of lieutenants. Unfortunately she had the only lieutenant that he wouldn't want in exchange and so they abandoned
Ōmaeda and then continued.
And now they were making there way through the 11th division with extreme ease.
Everyone they had met so far had been drunk, unconscious, or fighting each other (or in one case all three.)
But for around ten minutes now they hadn't met a living soul(reaper) and Toshiro was getting concerned.
"I'm getting concerned" Toshiro helpfully commented, looking around, "where is everyone?"
"There's no one here. Its kind of weird isn't it?" Yachiru chirped from Soi Fons shoulder, also looking around.
"Yeah you would think we would notice at least someone lying around." Soi Fon said before pausing confused, "When did I start carrying you?"
"Oh it was a while ago, I needed a lift home." Yachiru replied, eating some mints.
"But how didn't I notice you? I'm a ninja for crying out loud!" The female captain protested pulling the small girl off of her and looking at her smiling face.
"I used Kyoka Suigetsu" Yachiru explained.
"That's Aizens sword, not yours." Toshiro said frustrated.
"Really? Then how did I sneak up on you guys?" Yachiru asked confused.
"It doesn't matter any more. Where's your captain? We have a warrant for his arrest." Soi Fon said taking out the paper work and handing it to the girl
"Arresting Kenny? Yeah no." Yachiru said throwing the papers in the air and yelling "It's so pretty!" while dancing amongst it all.
Soi Fon sighed, "Well I was expecting her to stand with him, and we should be able to distract her with something shiny. Let's go find Kenpachi; I do believe I hate this place." Soi Fon turned but found Yachiru blocking her way with her sword drawn.
"Sorry Captain "needstogetlaid" I have to stop you." Yachiru said in her most threatening tone, which was nothing short of adorable.
"Captain what? What did she call me?" Soi Fon asked outraged while Toshiro laughed nervously.
"there is A few people, well A lot of people really, that have kind of been calling you that behind your back." Toshiro said apologetically.
"Right, well then, first we deal with this midget, then her Dad then I'm going to kick a few people in the head. So everything's fine." Soi Fon said pissed off beyond belief, she drew her sword "surrender, you can't beat two captains kid."
"That's what Captain Byakuya and Captain Bob said" Yachiru said confidently.
"There. Is. no. captain. Bob!" Toshiro yelled frustrated with the stupidity he was dealing with.
"Not any more! Poor Bob really didn't listen to my Bankai." Yachiru said with no trace of joking.
"So she IS as crazy as Kenpachi, what do you know?" Soi Fon said laughing "You don't know bankai brat."
"Really? Huh." Yachiru started rooting through her pockets until she found a scrap of paper, "So when Boldly wrote instructions to activate my bankai. He was lying? He would never lie!" she said upset. "Lets find out! O.k. number one. Draw sword. Do you two have a pen?" she asked.
"This is madness." Soi fon complained
"This is Seritai!" Toshiro responded darkly "It means hold your sword." he explained to the girl.
"Oh! Ok, step two, say Banki" Yachiru paused "BANKAI" she cheered, her sword started glowing.
"Oh. She was serious wasn't she?" Toshiro asked disbelievingly
Yachiru let go of her sword, it floated towards the sky until it was level with the roofs. Then it exploded.
"Oh good, I thought it would start making ice cream or something." Toshiro said looking at the explosion with unimpressed eyes.
The explosion faded quickly but left a large hole in the sky, soon it was a large gap the size of a house and still growing. At that moment Ikkaku and Kenpachi turned up.
"Well were all going to die. Always thought it would be her fault." Ikkaku complained as he looked at the portal.
"Quick everyone abandon this plane of existence! All hope is lost." Kenpachi said despairingly as he pulled out a whistle.
"Whats that for?" Soi Fon asked as she watched Yachiru yelling the words "Here Kitty, Kitty!" at the top of her voice.
"This? This is my "In case of Yachiru goes Bankai" whistle it tells my men to run." Kenpachi said as he started blowing on it.
"O.k. fine, I meant what's the giant portal?" Toshiro demanded. As something large, slimily, and with a lot of tentacles came out and was hugged by Yachiru.
"That's the immortal elder god Cthulu, she calls it Kitty." Ikkaku explained sadly.
Toshiro laughed. "Of cause it is! The fictional creature! As in not real."
Ikkaku pointed "So what's that?"
"Shut up Madarame. I'm the captain here." Toshiro grumbled.
"Well I'm going to try something! Bankai!" Soi Fon yelled, now in the possession of a nuke launcher. She quickly aimed at Cthulus head and fired. The missile flew forward and exploded, showering the assembled men with bits of elder god as its head exploded.
"Ikkaku? Clear my schedule, I think I just fell in love." Kenpachi said in all seriousness as he eyed the body of the creature.
"right!" Ikkaku said taking out a slate with the word "KILL" written on it, he rubbed it clean and wrote "seduce Ninja chick" in its place. After a few moments he relented and added "then kill" in small writing underneath it.
"Well thanks. Means a lot to me, honestly it does." Soi Fon replied, blushing slightly, "by the way you're under arrest."
"Doesn't matter, we only have fifteen minutes any way." Kenpachi shrugged.
"And what is going to happen then?" Toshiro asked, watching Yachiru start climbing the fallen beast.
"Cthulu gets back up, and now he's noticed us." Kenpachi said laughing "what part of "immortal elder god" do you not get?"
"So what did you do last time?" Toshiro asked horrified as the pieces of Cthulu started slivering and wiggling there way back into place on its neck.
"Convinced Yachiru to call him off. But it's going to be hard."
"Why? Just offer her candy." Toshiro said happy at such an easy solution.
"No, no there is something you do not know about her; she and Cthulu have a special link. They are symbiotic to one another; while he is the embodiment of madness he only gives sanity to her." Kenpachi revealed.
"My god, that means?" Toshiro said alarmed
"Yes Yachiru will take notice of the world around her and react to people who are not holding things she wants."
"Does intelligence come with it?"
"Then truly all hope is lost. But we must try." Toshiro said gravely "If I die tell Matsumoto that I love her. If I live and you tell her? Then I will destroy totally and utterly." Toshiro glared at them so intensely that even the pieces of Cthulu backed away frightened. One piece of his eye even started crying.
The group approached and as they did Soi Fon turned to her men.
"Very well, if this is it, I wish to say I have always respected you, and that it was an honour to lead you all. Now put these on." Soi Fon then tossed the Ninja some new clothes.
"Thank you for these new red shirts!" one of them said respectfully.
"That's just evil, I like that." Kenpachi said winking at her. Or he may have blinked; it's hard to tell with that eye patch, any way, they soon found Yachiru sitting on Cthulus ear singing to him.
"Yachiru? Can you tell Cthulu to go back in the portal?" Kenpachi asked as they reached her.
"Who?" Yachiru asked looking at them.
Kenpachi gritted his teeth "Can you tell Kitty to go back in the portal?"
"Say the magic word!" Yachiru said laughing.
With Ikkaku restraining him from taking off the eye patch, Kenpachi managed to say "please?" for the first time in his life.
"On one condition, I want everything on this list!" Yachiru yelled back pulling out a book larger then her head.
"What? No way in hell!" Kenpachi roared.
At that moment Cthulu woke up, and in one swift motion decapitated all of the Ninjas.
There was a long moment of silence.
"O.k. hand me the list" Kenpachi grumbled. He snatched the book of demands and flicked through it. "Yachiru? Most of these are impossible, I mean "replace all walls with cake?" it makes no sense what so ever!"
"Just go get a cake type Zanpakuto! It's obvious" Yachiru insisted, never one to be stopped by common sense.
"A what? Cake type? That's it I'm going to just kill her, simple as pie." Toshiro said leaping forward and immediately being ploughed into the dirt by Cthulu. Shakily he got to his feet, "oh yeah I forgot about that. Stupid monster thing, how do we get past it?"
"Why don't we just attack it?" Ichigo asked turning up from no where.
"Because it's immortal. Dumb ass." Ikkaku replied
"Yes but if he crosses the portal he's stuck, so we carry him across the gap in pieces." Ichigo replied, happy for an obvious and achievable weak spot on a giant unstoppable monster. Ichigo then realised that this was now more like a video game, then a anime and felt a little sorry for the author, who tries damn it! He really does.
Kenpachi thought about the implications of this before smiling, truly happier then he had ever been. "Birthdays are celebrated so children can enjoy this feeling. I'm taking off the eye patch. ATTACK!"
Words are not enough to describe the epic battle that took place between the lord of chaos and the last defence of logic and reason. The beauty of so few heroes risking everything to save the home they held so dear is beyond description. For hours they battled, and in the early hours of the morning, the small group stood victorious watching the sun rise.
"So the last piece is part of Cthulu's left testicle, who's tossing it?" Ichigo asked holding up a small lump.
"I'm not touching any more of its genitals, you do it" Toshiro said looking around, "and where the hell are Kenpachi and Soi Fon?"
"Well" Ichigo answered as he punted the piece of ball over the portal with satisfaction, "the last I saw them, they were having sex inside Cthulu's head."
"So they are literally skull fucking a god? Lovely." Toshiro grinned "We may need to come up with a new nick name for Soi Fon." he remarked as he walked over to a tied up Yachiru. "And you? For summoning the possible bringer of the apocalypse? And the attempted murder of soul society leaders? And the universe?"
Yachiru looked scared and gulped loudly.
"Confiscation of Zanpakuto! Also no candy for the rest of the year." Toshiro said laughing evilly.
Yachirus screams woke up the entire soul society.
A week latter
The captains meeting hall listened to Toshiros report on the battle in surprise. There was a long moment of silence.
"I don't understand" Kyōraku said. The rest of the captains nodded in agreement.
"Its hard to understand, yes, but we are looking into it, it looks as if Yachiru will one day time travel, meet H.P Lovecraft and release her Bankai. We are trying to find out how. And stop this if at all possible." Toshiro started but was interrupted.
"No no no, how is Soi Fon dating Kenpachi? She's a lesbian!" Kyōraku protested. Everyone else took several steps away from him and Soi Fon in fear.
"Bankai." Soi Fon whispered, flash stepping directly behind Kyōraku with a sadistic smile on her face. No one but Kyōraku even blinked.
"You see her?" Kenpachi told Toshiro, laughing "I'm going to marry that woman."
Once the explosion, and the screams of Kyōraku, had faded, Yamamoto sighed and slammed his walking stick into the ground.
"Very well, next order of business!"
Well first off apologies to H.P. Lovecraft.
Secondly if there is a large demand I will write the sequel "Yachirus adventures in the time stream!"
Thirdly could you please review? It would mean a lot.
Fourthly I was thinking about Cthulu and the bankai of Kurotsuchi falling in love, but there are some depths to which I will not sink. (Unless there's a sequel…..)
Fifthly I dare someone to make fan art of point four. I double dare you. If any one does I shall write an entire story of there choosing.