My Name Is Bella
I am but three
My eyes are swollen
I cannot see
I crawled into my bed shaking inside and out. I felt extreme pain on my fragile body. Any part of my body I felt pain. My eyes are swollen because of daddy's beating and crying while I was beaten. I cannot see anymore, in my world of darkness I'm shattered body and soul. I took my Bible and try to read some verses until I feel safe and sound.
I must be stupid
I must be bad,
What else could have made
My daddy so mad?
At midnight I woke up and heard nothing but silence. I felt relief wash over me knowing that my daddy is at Billy's bar and hasn't come home yet.
I just layed relaxing and thinking everything I could've done that made him this way. Maybe I'm stupid or maybe even bad because that's the only reason I can think of why my daddy is always mad at me. Maybe it's because I forgot to turn off the television at night when I fell asleep at the sofa because I didn't want to hear my parent's fighting upstairs at their room.
I closed my eyes and but not to sleep but to pray to God. I prayed that he will take care of me that the beatings wouldn't worsen, I prayed that this should all be a bad dream that I need to wake up from, I prayed for peace within me, within my daddy, and most importantly for the world.
I wish I were better
I wish I weren't ugly,
Then maybe my mommy
Would still want to hug me.
When I fell asleep I started to dream, but not those good dreams. I started to dream of me being a baby duck and I saw my mommy carrying her brown duck suitcase.
" Renee please don't do this, we can start over again.
Just give me one more chance," my daddy duck said
"That's what you said the last time," my mommy duck said her feathers turning red
"Please, one more chance, Ren-" My mommy duck cut my daddy duck in mid sentence
"No! I am done with chances" she said and I went over to her and hug her
but she shooed me away
"I'm done Charlie! You and you're stupid ugly duckling can go waste your pathetic lives," she said and walked away when I was a 2 year old duckling.
I woke up sweating, too much that I peed my bed and started to cry.
I can't speak at all
I can't do a wrong
Or else I'm locked up
All the day long.
My crying only reminded me of bad memories that I wished to forget.
"Daddy?" I said and he looked at me. Hate filled his eyes and he threw me against the bed.
"YOU'RE THE REASON WHY RENEE LEFT ME" He said and pulled my hair and drag me to my room.
"STAY THERE YOU WORTHLESS CHILD" He shouted and locked my room. I began to shout to him to open up but he didn't.
He put me there for one night and that was the start of my abusive life.
And from that day on I felt alone.
When I awake
I'm all alone
The house is dark
My folks aren't home
I was already used to being alone in the dark at night. Mainly because I can't switch on the lights dew to my height and if I do and daddy saw me he will only beat me more.
I wasn't afraid of the dark anymore unlike most kids of my age are. I live in darkness too long that sometimes I think I already have night vision.
When my mommy does come
I'll try and be nice,
So maybe I'll get just
One whipping tonight.
I heard a motorcycle pull over and I just knew it was my stepmother. She wasn't the kind of stepmothers that you read in fairytales, she was worse than them. I heard her talking to somebody in her loud voice that I think LaLa Land can hear her, wherever that is.
"yeah, sure Ben we can have our fun at that motel you are talking about...Just let me get my extra phone so Charlie won't know we're together….. yeah…. Sure….. bye"she said and I heard their room open. Ater she got what she was looking for I heard her get out of the room and stopped at my room.
I was ecstatic because maybe she'll let me out. How wrong I was. When she opened the door she smelled my smell and I just remembered that my bed was smelling pee. She began to get mad at me and shouted ugly words and she threw me at my bed. "YOU GOOD FOR NOTHING CHILD!" she said and grabbed daddy's belt and started hitting me with it. "HOW MANY TIMES DO I NEED TO CHANGE YOUR BEDSHEET 5 TIMES A MONTH, huh, IF YOU'RE THAT LUCKY" she said and hit me again and again. "I EVEN BROUGHT YOU A BURGER AND THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME!" she said and I started to say I'm sorry while the tears are leaking from my eyes. She finally stopped and went away muttering something under her breath. "Your father will hear about this," she said.
Don't make a sound!
I just heard a car
My daddy is back
From Billy's Bar.
Ater my stepmom had left I was on the floor, rocking myself back and forth. I was very afraid because if she told my daddy he will only worsen his beating. Why can't things be just like before? When mommy, daddy, and me were very happy as a family.I started to cry again and I saw a aint light and our garage door open I already know what that means. MY DADDY'S HOME. I started to sob so I put my hand on my mouth and hid in the blankets. Scared of my dad. I wish he wouldn't notice me.
I hear him curse
My name he calls
I press myself
Against the wall
He said an ugly word that he always use ."BELLA!" he said and went upstairs. I was shaking so much that I fell on the floor so I just pressed myself against the hard wall.
I try and hide
From his evil eyes
I'm so afraid now
I'm starting to cry
I saw that my closet was open so I sneak in it and closed the closet door hoping for him not to find me."BELLA!" he yelled and started searching for me. I was so afraid and I felt tears leaking from my eyes again. " I SWEAR IF I FIND YOU I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!" he souted even louder and locked my bedroom door.
He finds me weeping
He shouts ugly words,
He says its my fault
That he suffers at work.
He started smashing and ruining my bedroom trying to find me and then he stopped and started walking towards the closet door where I hid when he opened it and found me crying he grabbed me by the hair and dragged me to my bed. He shouted ugly words to me and said that my stepmother told me what I had done to my bed so he put my on the bedsheets and continued shouting ugly words to me. "DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW MUCH THIS BEDSHEETS COSTS?" he said and slapped my face.
"I WORK HARD TO RAISE YOU UP AND THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME. I SUFFER AT WORK BECAUSE OF YOU!" he yelled and punched my stomach.
He slaps me and hits me
And yells at me more,
I finally get free
And I run for the door.
He begins to slap me with his gun over and over again. He then throws his gun away and hits me with his fist on every inch of my body. He pulled away and started to get a knife to cut me a bit and I started to run for the door but it was too late because he had already locked it.
He's already locked it
And I start to bawl,
He takes me and throws me
Against the hard wall.
"oh so you're trying to runaway for me now huh" he said and lifted me up through my neck and threw me at the nearest wall. He tied my hand with his belt and held my feet he started making cuts at my thighs. I screamed at him to stop doing this to me but he wouldn't listen instead he slammed my head at the nightstand.
I fall to the floor
With my bones nearly broken,
And my daddy continues
With more bad words spoken.
He threw me again at a wall harder than the last time. I fall to the loor and I felt a throbing pain at my bones. I can't move, I don't know why. He started shouting all the bad words my mother said to me not to use. He blamed me at everything that has happened to him like all his bills to pay, being drunk, suffering at work and stuff like that.
"I'm sorry!", I scream
But its now much too late
His face has been twisted
Into unimaginable hate
He slapped me across the face and I felt my nose bleeding uncontrolably. He drags me by the hair and throws me so I fell down the stairs I began to cough something red. "I,I,…I'm….sorry" I said crying. "Oh…you're sorry?" he said and slapped me hard again. "Can you're sorry bring back the past?" he said and he threw a glass at me which shattered into pieces and cut across my skin. "YOUR SORRY CAN'T DO ANYTHING" He said and got a piece of glass and cut my let arm.
The hurt and the pain
Again and again
Oh please God, have mercy!
Oh please let it end!
He started hitting me again and again. I prayed silently to God to let this pain end. I prayed to him again and again. He then stopped and went upstairs I saw the door opened and I started to stand up but I can't my legs hurt when I do. I tried to call for help but nothing came out. I cluched my tummy, it was hurting so bad.
I heard footsteps coming down the stairs and I saw something shiny. I already know what that was: A KNIFE! He put it on the couch and went to get himself some beer, when he went back to where I was he saw that I tried to call for help and he noticed it. "Might as well cut you're tounge than let someone hear you speak ill of me" he said and grabbed his knife that he used to remove the carpets. He then grabbed my tounge and cut it I started crying and blood starts lowing rom my mouth. He got his beer and closed the door.
And he finally stops
And heads for the door,
While I lay there motionless
Sprawled on the floor
When he finished his beer he grabbed his knife again and cleaned it. He looked at me and said "might as well kill you than take care of a bratty child like you". He then grabbed my hair and made a deep cut at my cheeks. "Something to remember me by" he said after cutting me. He then put the knife against my stomach andthrust his knife in my stomach mercilessly. And he just sat on the couch and turned on the television. I started bleeding.
My name is Bella
And I am but three,
Tonight my daddy
I heard my step mom and she saw me. "Oh..My..Gosh. CHARLIE, HAVE YOU GONE MAD" she said. "She'll bleed to death anyway. Just leave her there" he said uncaringly. "I don't wanna be put behind bars and wear those ugly clothes," she argued and carried me to the car and drove to the nearest hospital. He called out for help and all the doctors and nurses tried their best to save my life and suceeded. They put me at a room and my stepmom said sorry to me for all the things that she has done to me. She then left me for a while to get some clothes for me. While I was resting I heard the door creak. I looked up and saw none other than my daddy. He was holding a gun and I tried to run but I was still to weak to do anything. "this time for sure," he said and put the gun at my head. My name is Bella I am but three tonight my daddy murdered me