I was going through some old history notes when I found something about America buying Alaska from Russia… Since I've been reading some Hetalia manga at my friend's request somehow this was born…
So, I don't own Hetalia… Wish I did. It might help pay for college… But that's what scholarships and government grants are for, right?
"Alaska, you are going to go live with America…"
"W-What do you mean?" She asked.
She cursed herself for the quiver in her voice, for the hurt in her chest and most of all for the tears in her eyes. She didn't want him to see her cry, especially if he was the one making her cry. She had never cried in front of him and for him to see her cry now was just too much of an insult to her. He didn't even have the heart to look at her as he was saying this. She was hurting because of him and he couldn't even look at her. Something in the back of her mind marked this as the act of a coward but she had never thought Ivan as a coward. He was one of the bravest, strongest nations she knew and she was proud to be with him. He didn't even have enough respect for her to look her in the eye as he ruined her world. She didn't even want to believe that he was taking an easy way out of taking care of her. She depended on him, despite the distance of the ocean that caused. Her people there were happy, despite the poor economy at the time.
Anger welled up inside her being as she glared at him. She wasn't going to let him simply walk away without an explanation as to why he was forcing her away, to America of all nations. She would have been okay if he sent her to Belarus or Ukraine. It would have been better to going to some strange nation, like America. Ivan couldn't just walk right in and out of her life as if it meant nothing, as if being together meant nothing. She swallowed hard, trying to keep the lump of emotion out of her throat. Her throat burned as she struggled to swallow the bitter emotions. She didn't want him to do such a cruel thing. She frowned and tried to rein in the overwhelming emotions she felt dancing around in her heart. It was almost too much to bear and she was very much close to tears as she looked at her guardian.
"You're going to go live with America," he repeated.
"I heard that… But what do you mean?" she demanded.
She wanted an explanation. She felt that she deserved an explanation. He should have realized that his actions not only affected him but her as well. They depended on one another. She gave him companionship. He protected her. She could hardly imagine doing something without him. He should have realized that by now and yet here he stood yanking the last firm anchor out from beneath her feet. She had her people but she outlived her people and her bosses. Her land was all she had left if Russia forced her away but if she really was being sent to live with America even her land wouldn't be hers anymore. Her land would then belong to America. All of her powers would be gone. She would have nothing of her own. Only her people would then start to answer to America and his rules and his laws. She swallowed.
"Tell me!" she screamed.
Her hands were gathered into fists. Angry tears were in her eyes. She couldn't believe he was using her 'human' name as freely as he was at that moment. She was glaring at him and she was shaking like a leaf. She was trying her best not to cry. Her eyes went red and puffy for her efforts. She shouldn't cry. It hurt him more then anything to see her cry. She looked like she was about to shed more tears and he fought the urge to pull her into his arms and comfort her as would have done before he tried to make her leave but he knew that he couldn't. He didn't think that she would appreciate it. It would have made things harder than they should have been. It would make it appear that he still had an emotional attachment to him.
It was tearing him apart to do this to her, though he showed no outward expression that would hint in that direction. He didn't want to let her go, just as she didn't want to let him go. He just wasn't able to explain this to her and he wanted to desperately explain but if he did she would only suffer more in the end. She was much too young to go and attempt to understand this. As much as it pained him to admit it, she was better off without him but he couldn't say he was better off without her. He was making a noble sacrifice that she would never know about, to spare her and save her suffering and he would continue to do so if it meant that she was safe and that she was well taken care of. She deserved the best and only the best. However, he wasn't the one who could provided that for her. As much as he hated to admit it, only America could provide for her the way she deserved to be taken care of.
"Listen, Dawn, even if… It's not… I'm just," he rambled.
She could only watch as he ran a hand through his hair. He looked like he longed to go to his liquor cabinet and drown himself in his favorite vodka, though he had been drinking a lot less as of late. And now that she noticed, his clothes weren't as well kept as they used to be. He was skinnier, as if he hadn't been eating well at all and it worried her. He still couldn't look at her. His heart began to throb in his chest and he knew that he would have to keep it moving a little faster or else his heart would burst from pain. Dawn wanted to die right then and there. He pitied her, even though he was the one hurting her. He always hurt others but that was only to protect himself and to protect Ukraine, Belarus and Dawn or even himself. He came off as intimidating but Alaska was accustomed to his rough nature.
"I'm not what you need at the moment…" He finally said, "I'm not good enough to take care of you."
"What? Not good enough? Don't give me that…"
She was trembling with rage. That was one of the most horrific lines that had ever come from his mouth. It was something used as a cushion for the fall. Instead, it only made her fall even worse. She felt like a part of her was dying on the inside to hear him say something like this. Yet there were times where she wanted to drown out everything around her and became a blank slate, incapable of feeling any emotional pain. A heart was a very heavy burden. Sometimes she didn't want to bear it. She was withdrawing so deeply into herself that everything melted away and it felt as if there were no other people in the world. She had been lost in thought but about what was a mystery that no one had solved yet. It seemed that no one intended to find out. She was on her own, drowning in the oceans of her misery. She swallowed hard.
The tears were almost too painful to keep back and each breath brought pain to her chest like an iron compress on her lungs. Breathing was becoming hard. She felt like she was going to start hyperventilating at any moment. It hurt to know that everything she held dear, everything she thought was the truth was nothing but a lie. To know that Ivan was just tossing her away, just like that, hurt her beyond anything he had ever said or done before. She wanted to sob but she held her breath so that she didn't. She didn't need to worry about dying. Her land was safe for the moment so she didn't have to worry about dying. Holding her breath wasn't going to kill her. It normally took a lot to kill a nation, despite the fact that she wasn't a nation, more or less a branch off of a nation. She could die easier than a nation could.
"Don't tell me, 'it's not you, it's me'. That's a lie! It's me, isn't it?" she demanded, "I'm causing problems for you, aren't I?"
When he didn't answer she knew she had hit the answer on the spot. It was her. He was breaking up with her because of something she did or said, but she knew of nothing that she had done that would have brought this sort of behavior on. She would have done anything to get him to just laugh and say it was just a joke – a cruel heartless joke. She would have been okay if he did. She would have been able to recover but now she wasn't so sure. She would have been angry with him. She would have not spoken to him for a few days, while Ukraine coaxed her into talking to her and Belarus coaxed Ivan into talking to her. But that wasn't going to happen. The look in Ivan's eyes told her that it was true. She was the root of the problem and she didn't know what she had done to be a burden. But she would do anything to take it back.
"So it is…" she murmured in defeat.
She nearly fell to the ground. Her knees felt weak beneath her. She could see Ivan reaching out towards her but he withdrew his hand as she looked up at her. He looked like he wanted to comfort her but he didn't do anything to even touch her. She realized that he was really making her leave. She shook her head, wanting to believe anything but that. He was really forcing her away after everything they had been through, a part of her withered at the thought. She wanted to crawl into a hole and die, though it would have taken her much longer to die than a normal person would have, something she was envious of humans for. She looked down, unable to keep her head up. She couldn't meet his eyes because those painful violet eyes looked as tortured as she felt. She bit her lip. She could probably bite through her lip if she put enough effort into it. She bowed her head, unable to look at him for much longer than she already had.
"Нет!" he snarled, "Not you. It is me. Because if you do what I think you might… it'd be painful to drag you…"
She now looked back up at him defiantly. She stared at him, expecting him to argue with her but he didn't say a word. He didn't even try to fight back against her words and accusations. She had hit the problem on the head with the hammer. She was the problem. Dawn hurt so much inside that it probably would have hurt less if he had decided to take a knife to her heart and cut it out. His actions then crushed the still bleeding heart in his palm. He didn't seem to know how much of an affect that he had on her. She didn't want to feel bitter but she still felt that way. Or he could have taken that pipe of his to her again and again. But physical pain and emotional pains were completely different from one another. But at least with physical pain it would heal. It would go away within time but emotional pain lasted a long time.
"Its better - for the both of us," he insisted.
She recalled from childhood that Ukraine used to refer to crying as being soul sick when they didn't really know better because they were young and naïve teenage, or at least teenage for nations, girls. Ukraine said it was the sadness that was attacking the heart and making it weep and ache with pain that they hated. Dawn laughed bitterly as she stood there because she really didn't know what else to do. She was not only soul sick, but she was confused and sad and angry all at once in such a whirlwind of despairing fury that she thought she'd spontaneously combust. She wouldn't have minded, at least then she'd be free from the massing swirl of emotions that were eating away at her. She didn't want to go. Russia was like her dad in a way or as close to a father as nations could get to a non-nation like her.
It wasn't fair for her. The fact that life just wasn't fair was an overused and highly battered cliché… but she thought it fit her own life rather nicely. If anything, she had gotten the short end of the stick. 'What stick?' she wondered, 'Who cares about a bloody stick?' That stick should just burst into flames or something. It was like the gods, if there even were any, had selected randomly, and just decided to pick on her. Why her? Of all the other people in the world, why her? Alaska could not hear the crackling of the fire in the fireplace or feel the warmth of the room. She could not even hear the sound of her own breathing. Was she still breathing? She couldn't tell anymore but she knew she felt a compression over her heart. But otherwise, she felt numb. There had to be some sort of mistake. Russia was lying to her. He had to have been.
"But I don't want to leave! I want to stay here with you, and Ukraine and Belarus!"
She hated how her voice that suggested she was either going to suddenly burst out laughing hysterically or to start crying. What made it worse was that she wasn't sure which she was going to do. She felt desperately like doing both but she knew that would only make it look like she was having an emotional breakdown. She was proud that not a single tear had fallen her cheeks from her already watery eyes. She was proud that she had not broken down into tears and uncontrollable sobs. But it still hurt. She loved Ivan very much. She couldn't believe he was doing this to her. She put a small hand on Ivan's forearm, surprising the older man greatly but when he met her eyes he looked away, ashamed.
"No tears, little one…" Ivan said, "America will take good care of you…"
She looked up to see a man walking over to them. Her mind tries to come up with a rational explanation for what she's seeing, but as soon as the person in front of him turns around and she's met with ice blue eyes the young girl lost all train of conscious thought. The man was blond. He had glasses and Dawn had to admit the glasses made him look older, save for the fact he also wore a tan uniform and a brown bomber jacket. His pants were over the outside of his boots, versus tucked inside his boots like she had see other nations wear them. It was very strange. He was very strange. And because of how odd he was, she didn't want to go home with him. She didn't want anything to do with him. Just being near Alfred made her want to cling to Ivan, even more and beg him not to do this to her.
"Come on, I'm not such a bad guy!" Alfred told her, "I'm a hero, after all!"
Alfred reached up to touch her face, to catch a tear that might stray from her eyes. Immediately, she stepped away from him, unable to bear it if he stood too close. He let his hands drop. Alfred could see the fire burning in her eyes. The distain and the anger were hard to hide in her burning, smoldering gaze. He was reminded of Ivan and for a moment as he gazed at her he could almost see Ivan standing behind her, yelling those words as well, moving and gesturing as she did, mirroring the little girl. He could see the similarities the two shared but they were two different people. Alfred was guilty. She cursed herself, for the hurt in her chest and most of all for the tears in her eyes. She felt she had the right to be sad, after all, she couldn't be entirely happy all the time and when she was rejected once again it was just one time too many for her heart to bear.
"Da, things are better with America."
She shook her head vehemently. It hurt her. Ivan's smile was wide, like he had just proved to everyone that some great theory of his was true and nobody should say anything different, like she couldn't say anything different. She felt like she didn't have a friend in the world. No one she knew would understand. She couldn't let anyone understand. This hurt was hers and hers alone to bear. She had been the one they could go to with their problems, Ukraine and Belarus that was, because the women sometimes didn't think things through but the younger non-nation had to look before she could leap because she was smaller. She couldn't defend herself should she be attacked. If anything she would have to hope the Soviet Union would help her if they saw that to be the case. But if they saw her weak and crying they wouldn't feel like they could talk to her since they would be afraid that their problems would be too much for her.
"Besides, this won't be forever…" Ivan added.
She looked up to Ivan, opening her mouth to say something but he had already started to walk away. And Dawn couldn't help but feel her own heart break as Ivan left her to go back to their old home. Perhaps it was true that hearts never could break evenly. She started to run after the man but Alfred had already grabbed her around the waist, holding her back and keeping her from running after the nation she viewed as family. For a few moments, Alaska was at a loss as to what to do. There was a disgusting, stinging feeling in the back of her throat, and it felt like she was going to throw up. Ivan, the only person who had understood her, the only person who had loved her like a father should, was now gone. The moment her knees hit the cold, icy floor she feels a hand on her shoulder. Tears were rolling down her cheeks. She couldn't look at Alfred. She was too ashamed to do so. Her heart felt like it was going to explode. To Dawn, it seemed all there was left to do was fall to her knees…
"I hate this!" she screamed.
Suddenly a pair of arms wrapped around her in what was supposed to be a loving and caring gesture but it felt like anything but because she was in the arms of a stranger, someone who was not and someone she would never consider as her family, so she swore at that moment. She tensed at first but then realized it was Alfred hugging her. She eased up and gently touched his forearm, for a moment she considered pushing him away but her heart couldn't bear the pain she felt so she gripped his arm tighter, trying to reassure herself that he was really there. Tears were running down her cheeks and onto his skin. Alfred didn't mind. It was better than having her bottle all of those tears up. Besides, she put up with him and all of his personal baggage and struggles so it felt like he was returning the favor.
He said nothing as she cried her heart out, getting rid of her pain, her sorrow, her utter heartbreak. She sobbed freely and loudly despite the efforts she made to rein it in. He smiled tenderly, knowing that he had gone through the same thing when he left England. Sure, he had been elated to learn he had his freedom but a small part of him still missed the guidance and the relationship that he had with his former guardian. It wasn't the same anymore. Her shoulders slumped. She brought clenched fists to her face to wipe away her tears. Soon her hands couldn't wipe fast enough to hide the tears. He leaned down to gently nudge her bangs away with his fingers, his nails skimming the skin of her forehead and temple.
She was biting her lip to keep back the sorrowful sob that threatened to break past her lips. Alaska clutched her chest and winced as she felt her heart pounding erratically. Her whole body shuddered, and she choked on air, sputtering as she tried to gasp for more air, which only led to more choking. She couldn't speak. She couldn't seem to draw breath no matter how hard she tried to form words as she heaved deep shuddering sobs. Tears just rolled down her cheeks, littering the ground with diamond-like droplets. Her vision faded. The only thing she could see was the battle, clouded through her tears. Alfred clicked his tongue disapprovingly, bending further to brush his fingers along the curve of her ear.
Alaska tried to rid herself of the shuddering gasps. She lifted her head to see Alfred's distorted face through her tears. She could hear a ripping sound and wondered where it was coming from. When she noticed him staring at her she realized the sound was coming from her. Alfred held her shoulders securely. His gaze was set charily on her. He was rubbing her back gently to help her calm down. She took a deep breath, trying to relax. She sniffed loudly. Alfred pulled a handkerchief and she blew her nose, rather loudly and in any other situation she might have been embarrassed but at that moment she didn't care. She was hurting too much to care about things that she might have cared about at one point. He was acting as if he were coaxing a wild animal out of hiding. Dawn felt a wave of disgust roll over her, not at Alfred but at her. She couldn't believe she was letting this bother her as much as she was because she knew that nothing lasted forever. She should have seen this coming.
"Breathe, Alaska," Alfred ordered firmly.
But Dawn wasn't like him. Her throat stirred. 'He is happy. Happiness? That's right, but where is my happiness? Why don't I feel any? Something is wrong…' she realized. She felt her throat tighten, and she couldn't breathe. Why? Her eyes started to water again. But why? She couldn't understand what her emotions were making her feel. She felt like she was about to cry out in pain once more. Sometimes you had to know when to let go, when to turn around, and when to recognize those you don't want to leave behind, and know the right thing to do but Ivan was choosing wrong. She hadn't done anything for him to abandon her like this. Dawn knew this but why did his leaving hurt so much? She couldn't help feeling like a precious piece of her life was slipping through her fingers for good. The blond smiles softly and kindly at her. Dawn opens her mouth to speak, but closes it again after a few seconds and slowly nods.
"If," Alfred said, "It's a strange word. Key to every locked door I've ever encountered."
Dawn cocked her head to the side, wondering how such a goofy guy could spit out a philosophical idea when she needed it most. She was now shaking as she looked at Alfred. He could tell that her self restraint was waning and that she longed to punch him as hard as she could muster. She stepped back away from him so she didn't do that, regaining some sort of self control. She ran a hand through her hair, trying to keep herself from crying once more. She had shed enough tears in the past few days to last her a lifetime. She didn't understand quite what he meant by that but she had a fairly decent idea at what he was trying to tell her. Her hypothesis was that every decision she ever made always ended in if. 'If she had done this instead of doing something else…' or 'if she had done that to stop something else from happening…' What would have happened if she…
It truly was a truly dangerous word.
Wow… This is kind of sad… Well, this is a three-shot so I might have an ending where Alaska/Dawn goes back and meets Russia/Ivan as a reunion. But this is up to you. Should it be a happy ending where she accepts the fact that she is a part of Alfred's nation but gets to see her 'fatherly' figure or a sad ending with America/Alfred comforting her?
And before you go and say that Alfred's too goofy to go and say something like what he did at the end, you're probably right but I feel that sometimes even the goofiest of people can say something really intelligent. So I gave Alfred one of those moments.
Нет – Russian for no.
Da – Russian for yes.