Hi! This is a series of oneshots from ASOUE which are all based on Taylor Swift songs, because she is officially amazing. :) They aren't exactly sonfics though, because the lyrics aren't included. First up (they aren't in any order): Back To December.
Back To December
Beatrice swallows, her breathing fast. He's there, right in front of her.
'Hi, Lemony. How's life? How're Kit, Jacques? I haven't seen them for ages … '
He stares at her blankly, shock in his eyes, before he speaks. Somehow, the weather comes up, something about work. And all the while, Beatrice feels herself dying from shame and sorrow.
'I'm so sorry,' she whispers suddenly, a tear slipping down her cheek. Lemony surveys her, unsure whether to comfort the crying woman or to turn his back and walk away. He's stiff, on his guard, but she knows that he still loves her. Beatrice bights her lip, willing the tears to stop. She knows he's imagining that night … the night he proposed, and she said yes – and then how she sent him that letter, that two-hundred page letter explaining why she could never marry him. What had she been thinking?
She forces herself to stand up straight, she closes her mind from emotion and looks him in the eye.
'I'm sorry for everything. For pulling you along, for letting you go … I'm just so sorry.'
He says nothing, though she can see tears pooling in his eyes, and he struggles not to cough.
Words spill from her mouth, she can't stop talking, 'I thought I made the right choice, but all I can think about is how much I miss you … It's been horrible, I – I keep going back in my mind, to when I wrote the letter, and I … In my mind I don't write it. I'd change it all, if I could.'
She pauses, feeling with growing dread the chasm that seems to be opening up between them.
'I can't sleep. I keep just replaying it, over and over … Oh, Lemony I missed your birthday!' She can feel the tears spilling over once more, leaving her shaking in front of him.
Awkwardly, Lemony reaches out, tries to envelope her in his arms, but she fights him off, determined to explain herself.
'I can't stop thinking of all the wonderful times – last summer, in the autumn … you always liked the autumn. I just – ,' she stops, letting herself search his eyes for any sign of understanding. When she next speaks, it's in a whisper.
'All these horrible fears, thoughts, all the reasons not to marry you, they just spilled over, and I had to make a decision … I only wish I hadn't said goodbye … Lemony, for what it's worth, I spend all my living moments just going back to December, wishing I hadn't turned my back on you.'
Beatrice looks into Lemony's face before throwing herself at him and holding on as tight as she can.
Beatrice knows she's throwing away every scrap of pride she has, coming back to him like this, but she doesn't care. She speaks softly into his hair, whispering how she misses his smile, his eyes, how he used to hold her when they played cards together and how they spent hours dancing together to an ancient record player in Lemony's tiny office.
Slowly, Beatrice straightens up, backing away but keeping his face cupped in her hand.
'I know I have no right to be thinking this … and I know it's not possible, it just can't happen, but, Lemony, if we could love again, I swear I would treat you well. I'd love you right. But that can't happen, I know that, and I wouldn't blame you if you bolted your door and never spoke to me again, but I want you to know that I miss you, I will always love you, and … and I go back to December all the time.'
For a second, she holds still, and they are the only people in the world. Then, her hand drops to her side, and she walks away without a backward glance.
Lemony is left, tears rolling down his face, alone in a world of smoke and mirrors.
Did you like it? I really enjoyed this one. :)