Once again the Dreadnoks ran off with the disclaimer saying I don't own anything. Not the characters from GI Joe or the song from Tangled. Not even half of this fic is mine. ColdFusion 180 co-wrote it with me! The cappuccino I drank while working on this fic was mine which explains a few things…
Dreadnoks Got a Dream
"Has anyone seen Cobra Commander?" Destro asked as he walked the hallways of Cobra's newest underground lair. There were a few nondescript Cobra lackeys in the halls doing some work. They all shrugged in ignorance.
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
"I hate my life! I hate my life!" A familiar serpentine whine came from the meeting room down the hallway.
"Never mind," Destro sighed. "I believe I have discovered his whereabouts."
Destro walked into a large room where he discovered Cobra Commander banging his head against a wall. "I hate my life…" Cobra Commander groaned mournfully. "I hate my life…"
"You're not the only one," Destro muttered under his breath.
"I hate my lousy, rotten, stinking life…" Cobra Commander moaned.
"Nice to know that for once your views are in the majority with the other inhabitants of the Planet Earth," Destro quipped.
"I hate my life!" Cobra Commander continued banging his helmeted head against the wall. "If you can even call this pathetic travesty a life! No words ever created in the history of the English language can describe how low I have sunken!"
"Come now Cobra Commander," Destro addressed him. "Things are not nearly as bad as you claim."
"Not nearly as bad?" Cobra Commander stopped banging his head and shot Destro a look. "Destro, we've been reduced to living beneath a fast food restaurant for crying out loud! And not even a good fast food restaurant. We're living beneath a third rate fast food restaurant that serves mostly squirrel meat for consumption and knives in its children's meals!"
"Well at least the restaurant knows how to keep its overhead costs low," Destro shrugged. "By the way the restaurant no longer gives knives away."
"It doesn't?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Too many complaints from parents and the police," Destro explained. "Not to mention the local weapons dealers. We were cutting into their profits."
"At the risk of feeling more pathetic than I do now, I have to ask what do they give out now?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Little furry toys…" Destro let out a breath.
"Furry toys?" Cobra Commander blinked. "Sounds like our restaurant is moving up a notch."
"Not really," Destro sighed. "The toys are really cut off squirrel tails with googly eyes glued on them."
"Of course they are!" Cobra Commander threw up his hands. "Of course! What else would I expect from this dump?"
"This is only temporary until we move into another base," Destro reminded him.
"What other base?" Cobra Commander yelled. "Every secret, somewhat secret and not so secret base, safe house, underground bunker, hideaway and hangout has been raided by the United States Army and blown to kingdom come!"
"I know," Destro agreed. "Wikilieaks was bad enough but you would think that some of our troops would know better than to put their locations on Facebook."
"What few troops we have left!" Cobra Commander threw up his hands. "Troop levels and morale are practically zero! And the ones we have left are going to walk off the job at any second. And that second is when they find out we can't pay them! Cobra has gone beyond bankruptcy and has been relocated to the Land of Insolvency in the state of Impoverishment, and is currently lying in a ditch somewhere right next to the side of the Road to Ruin!"
BAM! BAM! BAM!
"LET IT RIDE!"
"And worst of all…" Cobra Commander's head began to twitch. "I am stuck living under the same roof and forced to use the same bathroom as the Dreadnoks! Do you have any idea how disgusting that bathroom is after the Dreadnoks have used it? Do you?"
"I have an inkling," Destro winced, grateful that his room was on the other side of the secret base.
"It's so disgusting I need to take two showers after I take a shower in that bathroom!" Cobra Commander snapped. "I'd call them animals but let's face it, animals are a lot cleaner and don't make half as many messes as they do! They're messiness is driving me to madness! Not to mention putting up with their stupid, nonstop insanity twenty four hours a day."
"Hey Commander! Wanna play 'Shoot the Buzzer Win a Donut'?" Torch stuck his head into the room.
"That depends," Cobra Commander sighed. "Do I actually get to shoot Buzzer with a semi-automatic?"
"No. That's a different game," Torch waved. "This is a regular buzzer we're shooting at. See we swiped all the doorbells from the restaurant up top and glued 'em to some toy cars. Stuck some of those little kid's toys on the back of 'em too to make 'em look funny. Sure is fun watching their little googly eyes spin around."
"I believe then I will pass, Torch," Cobra Commander sighed.
"Okay, more explosions and squirrel fur for the rest of us!" Torch shrugged and ran out.
Cobra Commander looked at Destro. "You see what I mean?"
"You have a point," Destro winced. "Still things could be worse."
"Yes, I could be stuck with the Dreadnoks and the Baroness," Cobra Commander groaned. "I can't believe we have been here over a week and she still hasn't found us."
"I know. I'm running out of fake coordinates to send her," Destro sighed.
"Where did you send her this time?" Cobra Commander asked.
"The sewers in Paris," Destro sighed. "Boy is she going to be angry when she gets there."
"What do you mean? I've heard those sewers in Paris were actually nice," Cobra Commander asked. "They even have guided tours in them."
"Not the ones she's going to find in Paris, Texas," Destro winced.
"Still it'll smell better than the bathrooms we got here," Cobra Commander grumbled.
"Come on," Cobra Commander said in a defeated tone. "We have to stop those fools from wrecking the last hiding place we have."
"At least any more than they already have," Destro pointed out as they left the room and walked into the hallway. There were several holes in the walls. "We really need to have Scrap Iron install some bulletproof sheetrock in here."
"He will once he's done reinforcing the secret garage and…" Cobra Commander began to explain when he jumped back. He had almost stepped on a tiny car zooming around his foot. "WAAAHH!"
"YIKES!" Cobra Commander jumped and leapt into Destro's arms as a bullet whizzed past the area where his foot had been a second ago.
"Why Cobra Commander, I didn't know you cared," Destro remarked in a deadpan voice.
"GAH! Stop your shooting you fools! You nearly blew my foot off!" Cobra Commander jumped down from Destro's arms and stormed into the room where the Dreadnoks were playing.
"Sorry, Cobra Commander," Torch apologized. "We really should have some kind of out of bounds rule."
"What you should really have is someone to bind some brains and common sense into your empty heads! And you…" Cobra Commander whirled around and saw Mindbender, Xamot, Tomax, Zartan and Zandar casually leaning against the only undamaged wall in the room. "Don't tell me you are all playing this stupid game?"
"Of course not," Xamot scoffed.
"We're betting on the outcomes," Tomax said.
"It's surprisingly entertaining," The Crimson Twins spoke as one.
"Of course," Cobra Commander groaned. "Once again any hope of normalcy is crushed before it even begins. Scratch that, it's not only crushed, it's been smashed into a dozen little pieces and scattered to the four corners of the globe!"
"Are you feeling all right Commander?" Ripper asked.
"You're acting kind of bummed," Monkeywrench spoke up.
"Bummed? Bummed? At this point I aspire for bummed!" Cobra Commander shouted. "Bummed would imply that I had some hope left! I have just seen Cobra's dream of ruling the world crash into a mountain, fall into a bottomless hole and buried in an avalanche! I am way beyond bummed! I am as far from bummed as you can get! I am…I am…"
"Super bummed?" Torch scratched his head.
"Yeah Torch, fine we'll call it that," Cobra Commander moaned. "I'm super bummed…" He started to bang his head against the wall.
"What's wrong with him?" Torch asked Destro.
"Besides the obvious?" Destro smirked.
"Go ahead, kick me when I'm down," Cobra Commander moaned. "Not like I can feel anything anymore."
"The Commander is slightly depressed about our current situation," Destro explained.
"You mean being broke, losing most of our bases and that Monkeywrench made this morning when he put those explosives in the toilet?" Torch asked.
"That pretty much sums up his predicament, yes Torch," Destro remarked. "Wait, why would Monkeywrench…?"
"Oh I was trying something new," Monkeywrench told him. "Didn't work. Guess I just have to go back to eating more fiber in my diet."
"Never mind…" Destro winced. "I no longer want to know. Not that I ever wanted to know anything about any Dreadnok's bowel movements in the first place…"
"I dunno," Zartan shrugged. "That's also surprisingly entertaining."
"I hate my life…" Cobra Commander stopped banging his head against the wall and leaned on it face first.
"Aw cheer up Cobra Commander," Ripper said.
"Things are bound to become better," Road Pig spoke in his Donald voice.
"There's still hope right?" Torch scratched his head.
"No there is not!" Cobra Commander whirled around and shouted at them. "There is no hope whatsoever! Absolutely none! Nada! Zip! We are more hopeless than a man whose wife named Hope ran out on him! We are bereft of hope! There is absolutely positively no hope whatsoever! If Monkeywrench hadn't broken it, it would have gone down the toilet! There is no hope!"
"Come on, Commander! Don't give up!" Monkeywrench waved. "If you gave up on your dream ruling the world after every little loss Cobra would have broken up years ago!"
"Many, many years ago," Buzzer said.
"Decades ago," Ripper added.
"When I think of all the failures Cobra has had over the years," Torch began. "And believe me there were a lot of 'em."
"A lot of failures," Buzzer said.
"Decades worth of failures," Ripper added.
"A millennium's worth of failure if you think about it," Road Pig added.
"OKAY! I GET THE POINT!" Cobra Commander snapped. "You're saying we had a lot of failure in the past but not to give up!"
"Right! Just take us Dreadnoks," Buzzer nodded. "Even with all the knocks we've taken over the years we never give up on our dreams."
"Decades worth of knocks," Destro remarked.
"Just look at me," Road Pig pointed to himself. Then he did something frightening. He began to sing. "I'm malicious, mean and scary! My sneer could curdle dairy! And violence wise, my hands are not the cleanest."
"Not to mention the rest of you," Zartan smirked.
"But despite my evil eyes, and my temper and my size…" Road Pig sang. "I've always earned to be a concert pianist!"
"What?" Destro blinked as Road Pig sat down to a grand piano revealed when the Dreadnoks moved to the side. He was even more stunned when Road Pig started to play it.
"Okay where the hell did he manage to get a concert piano?" Cobra Commander was stunned.
"Don't ask," Zartan groaned. "You don't want to know."
"And not knowing will help you sleep at night," Zandar remarked.
"Can't ya see me on the stage performing Mozart?" Road Pig sang and played. "Tickling the ivories till they gleam! Yep I'd rather be called deadly for my killer show tune medley! Thank you! Cause way down deep inside I've got a dream!"
"That's it…" Cobra Commander groaned. "No more Disney films on Movie Night."
"I told you we should have gotten a bootleg copy of the King's Speech," Destro gave him a look.
"Well I'm sorry! I couldn't find one!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"He's got a dream! He's got a dream!" The Dreadnoks began to sing and dance around.
"See I ain't as dumb and as stupid as I seem!" Road Pig sang.
"Could have fooled me," Cobra Commander grumbled.
"Although I do like breaking femurs you can count me with the dreamers!" Road Pig smashed the piano bench against the wall while continuing to play the piano. "Like everybody else I've got a dream!"
"Not to mention several arrest warrants for destruction of public property," Zartan quipped.
"La! La! La! La! La!" The Dreadnoks danced and sang around.
"I'm surrounded by idiots," Cobra Commander moaned as the Dreadnoks sang and danced around. "Worse…I'm surrounded by singing idiots!"
"What else do you expect from the Dreadnoks and…Mindbender?" Destro did a double take as Mindbender got up and stood in front of the piano. "What in the world are you doing?"
"What can I say? It's catchy," Mindbender shrugged and started to sing. "I've made monsters by the dozens! As well as their brothers and their cousins! And of my gifted brilliance there's no question!"
"And you say I have an ego," Cobra Commander looked at Destro.
"But despite my balding pose! And my mustache and my nose!" Mindbender pointed to each in turn. "I really want to make a love connection!"
"Oh God no!" Destro groaned. "He's going to start dating his own experiments again!"
"Again? That would imply he stopped doing that at one point!" Zartan quipped.
"Can't you see me with a special little lady?" Mindbender mimicked holding an oar. "Rowing in a rowboat by the stream?"
"No and I pray to the great Serpent below I never do!" Cobra Commander grumbled. "I've already seen enough of this garbage to give me nightmares for years!"
"Though I'm one cerebral blighter, I'm a lover not a fighter!" Mindbender held a hand over his heart.
"You're a coward, that's what you are!" Zandar grunted.
"Cause way down deep inside I've got a dream!" Mindbender sang.
"I'd like to put way down inside me a stiff drink right about now!" Destro groaned.
"Good idea," Cobra Commander pulled out a hip flask. Using his special mechanical straw built into his helmet he took a swig. "I should have done this when the piano came out."
"I've got a dream! He's got a dream! I got a dream!" Mindbender and the Dreadnoks danced around singing.
"So this is what our lives have been reduced to?" Destro sighed. "Watching the Dreadnoks and an insane scientist dance and sing. Cobra Commander you were right. There is no hope."
"Told you so," Cobra Commander took another sip.
"I've got a dream!" Mindbender sang. "And I know one day romance will reign supreme!"
"I wouldn't count on it," Destro told him.
"Though my experiments leave people screaming, there's a man behind it dreaming!" Mindbender sang passionately. "Like everybody else I've got a dream!"
"I wish all this insane claptrap was a dream!" Destro groaned as the Crimson Twins joined their singing comrades. "At least that way I would know it would eventually end!"
"You got to admit it's going to make great blackmail material," Zartan snickered as he held up a small video camera.
"Maybe Torch would like to be a florist?" Road Pig sang right before Torch set fire to the piano.
"No, like Buzzer I'm into interior design!" Torch sang as Buzzer gleefully sliced the remaining furniture in the room to pieces with his chainsaw.
"We want to be famous and rich!" Xamot sang.
"For Broadway we've got an itch!" Tomax sang.
"To be famous stars would be sublime!" The Twins sang as one.
"It would be great to be the star now and then!" Tomax sang.
"We could take over Two and A Half Men!" Xamot said.
"With us they could get along without Charlie Sheen just fine!" The Twins sang.
"Hey I could be on that show tooooooooo!" Torch bellowed.
"Well you do have half a brain," Destro moaned. "I can't take much more of this. Cobra Commander please do something to…COBRA COMMANDER?"
Cobra Commander staggered out into the middle of the madness. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Destro yelled.
"Everyone else has a part in this monstrosity and I am not going to be left out!" Cobra Commander hiccupped and drunkenly waved his hand around.
"Oh God the man's ego is so big he can't even handle not being the center of attention in a complete and total drek fest!" Destro winced.
"Quiet and let the man sing," Zartan kept filming. "This is gonna be one of my biggest sellers."
"I have dreams of wealth and power! The entire world I will devour!" Cobra Commander sang. "To me all leaders will bow and act submissive! On my throne I can be found! Gorgeous women all around!"
"DESTRO! COME AND FACE ME LIKE A MAN YOU WORM!"
"Oh no…" Destro gulped and began to shake as the Baroness strode through the huge hole in the wall holding a very large gun. All the Cobras were unharmed except of course Cobra Commander whose head jutted out from beneath a pile of rubble.
"None of whom have access to explosives…" Cobra Commander warbled right before he passed out.
"AAAAAHHHH!" Destro ran for his life as the Baroness began shooting at him.
"You want a dream, Destro darling? I have a dream!" The Baroness snarled as she ran after him. "I have a dream!"
"She's got a dream!" The Dreadnoks sang.
"I've got a dream!" The Baroness sang and laughed manically. "I've got a dream! I just want to make my Darling Destro scream!"
"YEOWWWWWWWWWW!" Destro screamed as he was hit.
"And for every woman he did flirt, I will kick him where it hurts!" The Baroness tackled Destro and started to beat him up. "Like everybody else I've got a dream!"
"I think she just made her dream come true," Zandar smirked.
"This is priceless!" Zartan couldn't stop laughing as he filmed the spectacle.
"OW! OW! OW! NOT THE LEGS! NOT THE LEGS!" Destro screamed in pain. "OWWW! OKAY! I'VE CHANGED MY MIND! YOU CAN HIT THE LEGS!"
"For sending me on a wild goose chase I am going to beat in your face!" The Baroness snapped. "That really is my kind of dream!"
"Hey! Watching Destro get beaten up is my dream!" Buzzer said.
"Yeah? Mine too!" Torch said.
"So is mine!" Road Pig called out. Then in his alter ego's voice. "And m-mine!"
"Wow! We all have the same dream!" Monkeywrench called out.
"What are the odds?" Ripper asked.
"We've got a dream! We've got a dream!" The Dreadnoks sang as Destro continued to beg for mercy. "It's to see Destro cry like a little girl and scream! That is our dream! So our differences aren't really that extreme! We're one big team!"
"DIE YOU CHEATING BLOOD SUCKER!" The Baroness yelled.
"AAAKKKKK!" Destro gasped for breath.
"Call us brutal!" Buzzer sang.
"Sick!" Torch laughed.
"Sadistic!" Road Pig sang.
"And grotesquely optimistic!" Mindbender sang. "Cause way all deep down inside we've got a dream!"
"Seeing Destro get what's coming to him while I'm holding a video camera has definitely been a dream of mine for a long time!" Zartan laughed.
"WILLYOU PUT THE DAMN CAMERA DOWN AND HELP ME HERE?" Destro screamed.
"And ruin the Baroness's dream? I couldn't do that," Zartan smirked.
"I've got a dream! I've got a dream!" The Baroness sang.
"She's got a dream! We've got a dream!" The Cobras sang. "Yes way down deep inside we've got a !"
"YEEARRRGGHHHH!" Destro screamed as the Baroness's blows penetrated his helmet.
"I can't wait to start selling copies of this online!" Zartan grinned. "If this doesn't get Cobra out of its cash crisis, nothing will!"