Stephenie Meyer is the owner of Twilight Characters, no matter how weird I make them.
We all stood around the hospital bed and stared down at the baby lying in Rosalie's arms. It was so ugly, but in a cute just fought its way out of her vagina, kind of way. The baby had potential, a little bow stuck to her bald head, a cute frilly dress, a large black dot over her father's face in the family portrait, yeah she could be cute with a little work.
"Are you and Edward going to start a family?" Rosalie asked, because she was still doped up from childbirth.
Edward, ah, looked at me with a hopeful expression and I snorted at him. I had lost my car keys, I left my purse in the Wal-Mart parking lot, and I still opened the closet door instead of the bathroom door during the night when I got out of bed to pee. I was not ready to take on the responsibility of another human being. Just naming a baby would be so difficult, I mean, how do you stick someone with a name when they are not even able to tell you if it feels right or not?
"What did you name her?" I asked Rosalie and hoped it was something Emmett could spell.
We named her Emma, after her daddy," Rose said with pride and I felt tears fill my eyes. The poor, poor baby, she would spend her life knowing she was purposefully named after Dumbo. I planned to tell her as soon as she could speak that she was actually named after Queen Emma of Hawaii. It would make her life so much easier.
Alice ran her tiny fingers over Queen Emma's bald crown and I worried about the large diamond on her finger denting the baby's head.
"Don't touch her," I yelled and everyone turned to look at me. "She's new, let her be new for a little while," I said and wished everyone would stop looking at me.
"I've already fed her before you came, you can all hold her," Rose said and held up the pink bundle. "My nipples are actually quite sore, so someone please take her."
Edward, ah, turned red at the mention of Rose's nipples and I wondered why my nipples never got him flustered. Maybe it was the fact Rose's nipples were now mother nipples and not just woman nipples. When I stopped with the whole nipple evaluation I saw Edward, ah, sitting in a chair holding Quasi Moto's child.
He looked so natural, and so happy, and so ready for his own baby, so I quickly rushed over to take the baby from him. He held his hands under Emma as if I would drop her or purposefully throw her down. I tried to ignore him and looked at Queen Emma's face. She was all red and smushed and her eyes seemed sewn shut. Then she yawned, and her lips puckered as she settled showing two deep dimples which looked so much better on her than her dimple assed father.
"Ah, she's so cute," I said and finished my thought about how shocking it was in my head.
The door opened and Mr. and Mrs. Hale walked in to see their blue collar granddaughter. When they found out about the baby, Rosalie's mom spent days making a gorgeous nursery for her. But I spent just as much time trying to rid the former Stanley house of the evil whore curse I was afraid would exist in there. I burnt candles, made fetishes, and used cleansing chants to scare off the ghost of Jessica.
I handed the child to Mrs. Hale and out of all her expensive stuff she seemed to like this the most. She cried and kissed the baby's head repeatedly, making her no longer new. Rose's father walked over to kiss his daughters cheek and asked, "How are you, Rosie?"
"Her nipples are sore and it makes Edward, ah, uncomfortable," I answer and the room became quiet.
"We're leaving now," Edward, ah, said and took my hand to lead me from the room.
We were walking down the hallway when Rose's baby daddy came into view. He was dressed in his uniform and had a gun strapped to his side. I'm sure there was at least one time he tried to piss with his gun and put his dick in the holster, but I doubt he would ever admit it.
"Your daughter's beautiful," Edward, ah, told him.
"Thanks, I'm scared to death, man, she's so tiny," Emmett said and Edward, ah, patted him on the back.
Only Emmett would think Rose would give birth to a full sized person, although I'm pretty sure he was born full sized.
We got in our car and Edward, ah, turned to look at me. "Bella, I think next summer would be a good time to start trying for a baby. It would be after Jasper and Alice's wedding and we would have a better sense of both clubs financial outlooks, although I have money anyway."
I rearranged the words to say, "After Jasper and Alice get married the clubs outlook would be better so we should try for more money, baby."
"Don't be greedy, Edward, ah," I said and looked out the window as he chuckled to himself.
A baby, wow, another person to take care of everyday and every night, and they can't even talk for the first…what…five or ten years. I mean, of course they can talk, but nobody pays attention. I remember my father taking me to fishing when I was small. He would tell me the fish were afraid of voices so I couldn't talk.
That was when I realized most of the world was just a big fish bowl, with people afraid of voices and wanting squiggles like me not to talk.
We pulled out of the hospital parking lot and drove to the pizza parlor for dinner. It was a rare occasion we got to eat dinner together since Edward, ah, was usually at the club by this hour. He took my hand and we sat in the very back so I could rub my non sore nipples against his arm.
"Are you happy, Bella?" he asked me. It was something he asked at least once a week and I never had a moment when the answer wasn't yes.
"I'm very happy because this," I pointed at his heart, "and this," I cupped his dangler, "are mine."
He smiled and pulled my mouth to his. There is nothing better than kissing surrounded by the smell of pizza. It made several body parts hungry at the same time. "We should have sex as we eat pizza," I suggested with enthusiasm.
"Here?" he asked with wide eyes.
"No, not here," I said and smacked his arm. "God, I'm not Jessica." He gave me a disgusted look and I only shrugged. "Sorry, but once you go to the dark side it can be used against you at anytime."
There was a loud noise coming from a large group of people entering the restaurant. I looked over to see Jake, barf, and his posse coming in to eat. I groaned and Edward, ah, looked over and then groaned, too. This was the problem with living too close to Forks, you always ran into someone you didn't want to see.
Jake, barf, looked over at us and Edward, ah, turned away. "Hey Bella, looks like you were able to hold on to this one," Jake, barf, said.
I glanced at his friend Embry, who was prettier than any man had a right to be, and said, "Yeah, looks like you did, too."
Jake, barf, grew angry and said loudly, "Everyone who's fucked Stanley raise their hand." The entire table he was with raised their hands and Jake, barf, turned to Edward, ah, and motioned for him to lift his hand, too.
"You idiot," I yelled to Jake, barf. "That would be like asking who here drinks water. So let's try a better question. Who here actually gave her a real orgasm, instead of having her fake it?"
The table of men looked at each other with apprehension and Edward, ah, smiled as he raised his hand high into the air. I laughed, not because I found it funny, but because Jake, barf, looked so damn worried. I think it was the first time he realized men could 'give' a woman an orgasm. He lost his virginity years ago, but just now became a man.
We took our pizza to go, since dining with the Jessica sex club was not worth our rare night out and I wanted to put my pizza-sex theory to the test. Edward, ah, drove toward Port Angeles until I began nibbling on his ear and running my hand down his chest and into his pants. He pulled onto an obscure service road and turned off the engine.
I pulled up my skirt, finally prepared for spur of the moment sex, and removed my panties, which Edward, ah, quickly put in his glove box. He moved his seat back and I climbed onto his lap as I held out a slice of pizza for him.
Just as he took a bite I connected us and my loud moaning covered the sound of him chocking. I thought my guy was so happy he was speechless. My eyes were closed as I concentrated on the feel of him and I smiled when I heard him pounding on his chest. He was especially active this time, moving in quick thrusts which almost tossed me off of him.
He had never been like this and I was really feeling things in all the right places as I marveled at his creativity. I grabbed onto the seat just over his shoulders and let my hair fall to his chest. He grabbed a fist full of my hair and pulled so hard I yelled out. It was then I saw his eyes bugging out as he pointed to his mouth and struggled to breathe.
I am an awful, awful person. I actually took the time to decide if I wanted to finish…since I was really close and it was going to be a doozie, or if I wanted to save my guy. If I chose the mind-blowing orgasm, it would be a onetime thing, but if I saved him, the possibility of more pizza sex loomed in my future. I chose my guy.
I jumped off of him and he sat up as I pounded furiously on his back. He was finally able to dislodge the pizza bite and cough it up as he gasped for air. My spirit soared until I noticed his spirit, along with other parts of him, were down.
I thought Edward, ah, only cussed during sex, but I was stunned at his 'brush with death' vocabulary. I wonder if pizza had ever been referred to as, mutha effing slices of effing shiit…with two I's?
I nodded my head as if I agreed and kept quiet about his choking prowess. He finally calmed down and let his body fall back onto the seat as he covered his eyes with his fingers. I'm sure he thought the day could not get any worse, but he would have been wrong.
Flashing lights came on and Edward, ah, frantically began pulling up his pants. He tried to bring the seat back up at the same time he pulled up his zipper…big mistake. When the officer walked up to the driver side window he found Edward, ah, staring up at him in tears.
"Is there a problem?" Ben asked and I leaned my head over and smiled.
"Oh, hi Bella, I just wanted to make sure there wasn't a problem with your vehicle," he said and glanced into the back seat at the pizza boxes.
"We're just eating our pizza," I smiled and Edward, ah, let out a big breath of air he had been holding since catching a small amount of dangler skin in his zipper.
Ben looked at Edward's, ah, tears and back at me. "Are you two fighting?"
"No," I said with a laugh. "You don't have pizza sex if you're fighting."
"Bella," crying Edward, ah, said, "I'll handle this." He looked back at the officer and said, "I was choking on a piece of pizza and loosened my pants to breathe. When I pulled the zipper back up I caught myself."
Ben's eyes got large and he looked at Edward, ah, in sympathy before saying, "Do you need any medical assistance?"
"No, I just need you to step away so I can take care of it," Edward, ah said with a strained voice.
Ben quickly stepped away and turned his back so Edward, ah, could lie back down and unhook himself. I quickly leaned over to see how much damage was done and sighed at the sight of the missed opportunity.
Ben came back to the car and asked to see Edward's, ah, license and registration. He reached for the glove box and opened it to reveal my panties so I quickly took them and began putting them back on. Ben looked at the documentation and handed it back to Edward, ah, and said, "Why don't you two go home and spend your evening indoors."
"Yes, that's a great idea," Edward, ah, said and I leaned over to look at Ben.
"Don't tell my dad, or I'll tell your wife about you and Stanley."
He nodded guiltily and quickly returned to his squad car. Edward, ah, looked at me and finally asked, "How do you know he was with Jessica?"
"I didn't, but I played the odds."
We drove home, letting the pizza and other things grow cold.