A/N: I wrote this for the contest "Caught with your Pants Down" over on Freewriters and by some miracle, I won 1st place! Woohoo! My first win! You can check out the banner on my profile that the beautiful Mistress made me.

I just want to take just a minute to thank the lovely xlavendermoonx for taking time out of her insanely busy schedule to beta this for me. She's a wonderful author. Make sure to check out her stories!

SM owns Twilight. I own some Keds.



"Congratulations, Edward, your sex life is now officially over," Emmett yelled as he smacked me hard on the back while I tried to hand him a cigar with pink wrapping on it.

"Shut up," I muttered under my breath as I handed a cigar to Jasper.

"Yep, your dick is going to shrivel up and fall off," Emmett, my shit-for-brains brother, said before he and Jasper started laughing their asses off. Fuckers.

"Bella and I had an amazing sex life before the baby, and we will have an amazing sex life after the baby," I stated with suave and debonair confidence. Then my voice faltered for a second, "I just have to somehow make it through these next six weeks…."

Surely I can sweet talk Bella into a few blow jobs….

By this time, Emmett was laughing so hard he was bent over double gasping for air, and Jasper was wiping tears from his eyes.


"Sure, keep telling yourself that, Edward," Emmett choked out in between loud guffaws.

"You assholes don't know what you're talking about," I mumbled as I lit up my cigar and took a puff.

"Well, Edward, I really shouldn't comment since I'm the only single man here with a hot girlfriend that I get to fuck anytime, anywhere, but I have to side with Emmett on this one. He does have two kids, after all," Jasper added.

"Whatever," I grumbled, staring at my cigar.

The sliding glass door to the deck opened and Alice poked her head out. "Hey, boys, Bella wants to get some pictures of everyone with the new baby. So put out those nasty cigars and come back inside," the imp demanded.

So after enduring temporary blindness from all of the photo snapping, and spending a fun-filled evening with our friends and family, we finally said our goodbyes and found ourselves alone. Our first night together at home, as a family, since coming home from the hospital.

"How are you feeling?" I asked Bella as I locked up the door. "That was a long night."

"Yeah, it was. It was fun, though. I'm good… just really tired," she answered softly.

I turned around and just stared for a moment, my breath catching in my throat. Bella was sitting on the couch, her hair in a ponytail with wisps of it having come undone and framing her face. She was wearing a blue tank maternity shirt with jean shorts. The expression on her face was so beautiful and loving as she gazed down at our daughter, who was cuddled up sleeping peacefully in her arms. I sucked in a quick breath and snuggled in next to her on the couch, wrapping my arm around her and pulling her tight up against me.

"Edward, is it just me, or is she the most beautiful baby in the universe?" Bella raised her eyes to mine with tears brimming in them. I reached my hand down and cupped Bella's chin, running my thumb softly over her cheek and staring deeply into her beautiful, brown eyes.

"It's not just you. She really is the most beautiful baby in the world. And you are the most beautiful mother in the world," I whispered before leaning in and softly kissing her lips.

Tears now spilled down Bella's delicate cheeks. "Edward, I don't know how to explain how I feel. When I fell in love with you and got married and everything, I never thought I could ever be happier. But now… I feel like my heart is going to explode. Like it can't handle all of this love that I have inside of me for you and for her. She's bringing out feelings in me that I never knew existed," she said with deep emotion.

"I know what you mean," I agreed softly as I gazed down at our child. Elizabeth Mae Cullen, the world's most beautiful baby. She had a head full of hair… unfortunately, the same color and texture as mine, and her skin was flawless and beautiful. I reached my index finger down and watched as her little tiny hand grasped my large finger. I understood exactly what Bella was talking about, because I felt like that little hand had a grasp on my beating heart as well.

I leaned over and kissed Bella quickly on the cheek and picked Lizzy up carefully from her arms. "Let's get you both into bed," I said as I walked Lizzy upstairs to her new bedroom, nuzzling my nose against her petal soft cheek.

"Edward?" Bella asked from behind me.

"Yeah?" I replied, turning around on the stairs to face her.

"I won't be able to sleep if she's in her room," Bella said quietly as she looked up at me with her soft doe eyes.

I thought for a moment. "Well, okay. Um… how about I drag the crib into our room and put it by our bed? Would that work?"

"Yes, oh, Edward, thank you so much," she squealed, moving to the same step I was on and standing on her tip toes to kiss me on the lips.

"You're welcome," I returned, smiling back at her.

After about an hour of diapering, clothes changing, and crib dragging, we finally crawled into bed exhausted. I spooned Bella up next to me, wrapping my arms and legs around her body and burying my nose in her hair.

"Mmmm… god, I love you. Thank you for giving me Lizzy. You're amazing, Bella," I murmured into her ear, snuggling closer into her, loving her softness and her fruity scent.

"I love you, too, Edward. So much…." she trailed off happily as she hugged my arms closer to her.

Before I dozed off to sleep, I thought about how wonderful my life was. I was married to an incredible woman whom I loved deeply, had a beautiful new daughter, a nice house, and a great job. Life was really, really good.

And the sex? Oh, it was going to be just as great as it used to be. We wouldn't let anything like a new baby get in the way of our physical relationship. Just a little patience… I could tough it out these next six weeks.

I should have listened to my older, wiser dumbass brother.

I groggily opened my eyes, still exhausted from Lizzy waking us up a hundred times. I was tenting my boxers with my morning wood, so I stretched and pushed my hand hard against it, wishing I could do something to relieve the tension.

"Edward!" Bella shouted, walking into the bedroom and scaring the shit out of me.

"What?" I yelled, jumping up, fearful that something was wrong with Lizzy.

"Look at these," Bella said as she whipped off her t-shirt revealing her naked chest.

Holy mother of god.

Now Bella had always had nice breasts… perky, round, and just a handful, since she was so petite. But the tits that I was staring at now were like something from a porno movie. It looked like she had slipped out in the middle of the night and had gotten double D implants. My jaw fell open, and I had to use every ounce of my energy not to slam my face into them, and start motor boating them and bouncing them around.

"They hurt," Bella moaned.

I was just getting ready to say something thoughtful and sympathetic to her like a good husband would, when guess what she did next? She reached her hands up and started softly caressing them as she continued moaning. Fuck me. Her hands roamed over and over in soft circles around the outsides of her massive breasts, fondling them and then moved underneath to cup them. Now I know that she was just trying to ease her pain, but in my sick, perverted, horny mind, she was feeling herself up. Since my jaw was already hanging open like a knucklehead, I began salivating like a dog. My dick was pointed to the North Pole like it was magnetized or something.

"Edward! Did you hear me?" she yelled, snapping me out of my lustful Bongo-Bella-Booby moment.

"Yeah, yeah," I said, not wanting to be interrupted from staring at the beautiful watermelons in front of me. "Do you want me to rub them? Or kiss them?" my giant douchebag mouth asked.

"Are you serious?" she screamed at me before marching out of the bedroom and slamming the door.

What? I just wanted to make them feel better.

It's been eighteen days since I've had sex. Yep, I'm keeping track of that shit. And the only reason I got sex then was because I showed Bella an article on the computer about how having sex could cause early labor. She was so miserable and desperate to get Lizzy out that I think she would have let me do anything to her at that point.

Lizzy turned two week's old yesterday. I was trying really hard to give Bella her space and not grab her and try to rub one out on her body like a sick, depraved teenager. But I was really desperately horny. I was home with her this whole time, as I had used all of my vacation for the year so that I could help out with Bella and the baby. So I'd been here twenty-four hours a day, watching her around the clock whip out her humongous tits and feed Lizzy. Now it should have grossed me out or something, but I found it strangely erotic. And because I was a sick motherfucker, I found myself a little jealous. I wished it was me sucking on those luscious hooters.

And I couldn't even whack the weiner in the shower! Every time I started to try to milk the bull, Bella interrupted me by showing up conveniently to look for something in the medicine cabinet or to put on her make-up. I can't do anything with her in the bathroom with me; I only do that shit by myself. I had begged and pleaded for her to jump into the shower and help me out, but she refused.

I was like some kind of perverted, horny Pavlov dog. Every time I got within a ten-foot radius of Bella, my pecker got immediately rock hard and pointed straight at her like the tip of it had some kind of homing device in it. I tried my damnedest to control my dick's reactions to her, but I just couldn't. She's just too alluring and sexy.

So today I decided I was going to treat Bella like a princess all day long, and then tonight, I was going to make my move. Hopefully Bella would be up for a little sumpin' sumpin'. I was praying for a hand job, or if I got really lucky, maybe a blessed blow job.

After making Bella feel special all day long and going out of my way to do extra good deeds such as changing and, yes, gagging over shitty diapers, washing the dishes, and even a foot massage, I felt pretty confident. I mean I even vacuumed!

So we got Lizzy tucked away asleep in her crib, and Bella headed to the closet to change for bed. I excitedly went into the bathroom with an extra bounce in my step. I just knew I was going to get lucky and that all of my hard work was about to pay off. I brushed my teeth, gargled my Listerine, put on some Axe cologne, and threw some gel in my hair to try to tame the beastly mane.

Now Bella thought I was hot… she was always telling me how sexy I was and that I looked like that fucking pansy on those vampire movies. I think that guy is totally gay, but, whatever, as long as my baby wants me. So I was going to walk into the bedroom butt naked and once she got a look at my body, she wouldn't be able to resist. She'll want me… badly. So I slipped off my boxers and grabbed a bottle of lotion and walked proudly into the bedroom naked as a jaybird.

I walked over to Bella's side of the bed, her back facing me. "Baby, can you lotion up my back? I can't reach it," I asked pitifully.

No response.

"Bella?" I questioned as I heard loud, oinker-like snoring emanating from her pillow.

Still nothing.

"Baby?" I asked louder as I reached down and nudged her shoulder with my hand, interrupting her pig noises.

I heard a loud snort as she rolled over to face me and yelled, "What?"

"Um, baby, could you lotion up my back for me please? I can't reach it," I asked in a gentle and pathetic tone, giving her my best and sexiest bedroom eyes.

"Good god, Edward! Couldn't you see I was asleep? I'm exhausted from having to breast feed every two hours and never getting any sleep. And then the one time that Lizzy is fast asleep and I can take advantage of it, you wake me up to put lotion on your back? Have you lost your mind, Edward? Seriously?" she seethed, her eyes blazing with brimstone.

For some reason this is not going the way that I foresaw it in my horny mind.

But because I was stupid and incredibly desperate, I carried on like the dumb fuck I was, thinking I still had an actual shot.

"Baby, I'm so sorry. I didn't realize you were asleep," I lied, pretending I hadn't heard her sow snores.

"Give me the damn lotion," she huffed at me.

I handed her the lotion and scooted my naked ass backwards towards her, until I bumped into her.

"Bend over more," she commanded in an annoyed voice. I leaned my chest towards my knees, making sure to flex my back muscles nicely for her when suddenly I felt ice cold lotion being squirted on my back.

"Fuck!" I bellowed, flinching.

Couldn't she bother to warm that shit up first?

Then I felt Bella's small, warm hands moving over my back, and I immediately got an epic hard-on.

"Ungh, that feels so good," I moaned in ecstasy.

Suddenly the lotion bottle was shoved into my lap dangerously close to my dick. "Here," she snapped, before flipping over and pulling the covers up to her chin.

I set the lotion on the night stand just in case, turned off the light, and crawled into bed naked and still hard as a rock.

"Thank you, baby," I murmured sweetly, pulling her into my arms and pressing my boner up against her stomach.

"Get that big thing away from me, Edward, and I mean it," she threatened.

I ain't too proud to beg.

"Baby, I know we can't have sex for the first six weeks but… can we fool around a little bit? I'm really horny. I mean it's been eighteen days since we had sex and—"

Oh shit.

Bella shot straight up in bed like a rocket and began speaking in a low and menacing tone, her eyes narrowing into slits. "Are you keeping track of how long it's been since we've had sex?"

I shrunk back into my pillow, afraid. "Um… no… I mean, that's what guys do. We think about sex all the time. I… I can't help it," I tried to back-pedal, stammering desperately.

"I can't believe you! Here I just birthed your child for you, I'm feeding your child every two hours, I'm caring for your child around the clock, and all you can think about is yourself and sex? Ugh!" she yelled in a high-pitched voice before flipping over and flinging the covers over top of her.

I lay quietly looking up at the ceiling knowing that I was doomed. I felt like my dick and my mouth were evil best friends and were conspiring against me. For some reason, my mouth had it out for me and kept getting me the hell in trouble. Before I could stop it, my douchey mouth opened up of its own volition and began its pleading once again for my miserable dick.

"Bella, I'm sorry. You're just so sexy and hot and everything and it's been really hard to see your big, giant boobs and not be able to feel on them and stuff, and I'm sorry, I'm just dumb and horny, I guess," I verbal diarrhea'd.

"My big, giant boobs?" she angrily shouted, quoting me with fire lacing every word. "You asshole! You're sleeping on the couch! Now!" she screeched, waking up Lizzy.

Keeping my douche nozzle mouth closed for once, I grabbed my pillow, clutching it in front of my hard as titanium cock and walked my naked, sorry ass to the couch.

Bella forgave me and let me back into our bed the following night. But it got me no closer to any fondling or suckage. It had now been thirty-one days since I'd had sex. Thirty-one wretched, miserable days. I swore that I could get wood from looking at a turnip. And I'd still not even been able to fire the bazooka! I'd been tempted to sneak out to my car during my lunch hour to pump the python, but I was just too particular about my Volvo to do that shit in it.

"I'm so pissed!" I heard Bella yell from the bedroom.

"What's wrong?" I stupidly asked as I walked into the room.

"I'm so fat nothing fits!" Bella shouted as she threw a pair of shorts across the room, narrowly missing my head. "Does my ass look huge in these?" she demanded as she turned her rump in my direction.

My eyes darted to her ass like they were heat-seeking missiles. "Oh god, no, baby. It looks soooo good. So round and plump and juicy…." Yep, douchey mouth was back in business again.

"My ass looks round? What, round like a beach ball?" Bella yelled, looking at me like she wanted to saw my nuts off with a butter knife.

"Oh, no, baby! I meant it looks flat and super skinny," I lied through my teeth because my baby was packing some junk in her trunk.

She squinted her eyes at me and gave me a death glare that frightened me and made my balls want to crawl back up inside of my body.

After about fifty outfit changes, and me silencing douchey mouth, we finally made it to Emmett and Rose's house for a cookout. I grabbed a beer and walked out onto the patio where Emmett was flipping burgers.

"Ah, it's my blue balled baby bro!" Emmett yelled loudly. I swear every time I see him, it's like his voice gets louder and louder….

"Bite me, asshole," I retorted before I took a sip of my beer.

"So how's the old dick, Edward? Shriveled up like a raisin?" his moronic mouth flapped.

"Why are you so worried about my dick? Are you gay now or something?" I yelled back, trying to match his volume but failing miserably.

"Edward!" I turned to see Jasper coming out of the house. "Good to see you, man. Lizzy is getting so big," Jasper greeted me as we clasped hands. "So how's fatherhood?" he asked before taking a swig of his beer.

Before I could even open my mouth, I heard Emmett's grating chops. "Good… other than his shrunken schlong!" my asshat, comedian-wanna-be brother shouted at the top of his lungs.

God, I hate him sometimes.

"So how is the old sex life, Edward? Getting any action?" Jasper asked while Emmett was bent over the grill continuing to howl his ass off.

"No problems," I casually replied as I pulled out my Crackberry and checked my Countdown to Pussy clock I set up on it.

Only 13 days, 8 hours, and 16 seconds longer. What? Hey, I see everyone else setting them up for worthless shit like the premiere of those damn vampire movies. Why not set up one for something really important… like me getting some pussy?

Thankfully Lizzy was fussy so we left the cookout early. I didn't know how much more of Emmett's mouth I could endure.

It's now been 38 days since I've had sex. I think I might die.

I need to do a Google search… I need to know if anyone has ever died from not having sex. I might be the first man in history to do so. I mean those commercials say to call the doctor if you have a hard-on for over four hours. I've had one for five weeks! That has to be dangerous to my health!

It was a Saturday morning, and I was holding Lizzy while Bella folded laundry. Her phone rang.

"Hi, mom," she answered sweetly, rolling her eyes at me and aiming her hand like a gun to her temple and pulling the trigger.

Bella's mom, Reneé, needs to be hospitalized. Like stuck in the loony bin. She was just a wee bit off. Bella and I tried to make light of it by making wisecracks.

"What? Mom! No! Well… yeah… I know… yes, I'm sorry. Yeah… yes… okay, bye." Bella closed her cell phone slowly and laid it on the coffee table staring at it like it was a venomous snake.

"What's wrong, baby?" I asked, concerned.

"This is bad, Edward," Bella whispered with despair.

"What? What happened?" I asked, starting to panic a bit thinking someone had died or something.

"Mom lost her job," she said quietly.

"Again?" I asked and laughed, looking down at Lizzy in my lap. Reneé has lost about ten jobs since I'd known her, which hadn't been that long. I glanced up and the laughter died on my lips as I looked at Bella's expression.

"She got evicted. She's moving in with us."

Time suddenly stopped. I heard weird buzzing noises in my head. Then I snapped back to reality.

"Over my dead fucking body!" I shouted, causing Lizzy to jump in my lap and start crying. "Oh, god, Lizzy, I'm so sorry, sugar," I cooed to her, rubbing her soft hair and kissing her cheek.

"Edward, she has nowhere to go. She'll end up homeless if we don't take her in," Bella pleaded. "Believe me, I don't want her moving in either! She drives me insane! But we don't have any choice. I'm the only one she has. It'll just be for a little while until she can get back on her feet," Bella promised.

Reneé moved in three days later. And my life plunged head first into the shitter.

I picked up my phone off of the dresser and checked my Countdown to Pussy clock for the millionth time.

Only 2 hours, 18 minutes, and 10 seconds left. Today is the day! If all goes as planned, I might actually get lucky!

Since Reneé had moved in with us, I had to implement Project Pussy since I knew she would interfere with any chance I had at having sex with Bella today-the day I'd been waiting on for so long. Today was Bella's six-week check up with the doctor. So I woke up bright and early and called in sick. I ran downstairs and found Reneé and coughed a lot, telling her I wasn't feeling well but that I felt well enough to take Bella to the doctor. Then I asked Reneé if she could take Lizzy for a walk in the stroller to the park when we got back to give me and Bella a break, since I was sick and Bella could use some time to herself.

She fell for it, just as I planned.

I am one smart motherfucker.

Bella was thrilled that I called in sick to take her to her appointment. I held Lizzy out in the waiting room, my heart swelling every time she smiled at me. I couldn't get over the fact that she was now smiling her little toothless grins.

She owns my ass something fierce.

After Bella got done checking out and we got Lizzy loaded into the car, I decided to do some probing. "So… what did the doctor say?" I asked nonchalantly as I turned on my turn signal.

"Everything's great," she replied happily.

"Oh… that's good to hear," I paused and grabbed her hand. Here goes nothing! "So… what did he say about… sex?" I asked lightly, trying to hide my desperation.

Bella giggled as we pulled up to a stop light. "I got the green light."

"Thank god," I mumbled as I leaned over and pulled her to me, kissing her hard and passionately. I snuck my tongue into her mouth and threaded my fingers through her hair. "Bella, I want you so badly," I whispered against her lips.

Honk! Honk!

I reluctantly pulled away and flipped the bird to the rear view mirror.

"Edward!" Bella scolded.

"I'm sorry, baby. Okay, here's the plan. When we get back home, your mom's gonna take Lizzy out for a walk to the park. Then I'm gonna strip you naked and molest your body. But I have to tell you… the first time around is gonna be embarrassing. Baby, I'm so horny that I'm gonna blow my load fast. But I swear to you… I'll make it up to you the second, third, fourth—" She interrupted my babbling by smashing her lips onto mine. I couldn't see the road for a minute and almost crashed into a tree.

We made it home in one piece… one giant piece in my pants. We got Lizzy into her stroller and sent Reneé off on her walk. Bella and I stood at the door and watched her slowly make her way down the street, pushing Lizzy.

Finally! Pussy, here I cum!

I turned around and dragged Bella into the house, slamming the door behind us. I pushed her roughly up against the back of the door and savagely attacked her lips with mine. I pulled the hem of her sundress up and gasped as my hands came in contact with warm, soft flesh.

"Are you wearing a G-string?" I asked through my heavy panting.

Bella bit her bottom lip and nodded.

"Oh, god," I mumbled as I squeezed and kneaded her round softness.

My fingers made their way to the string separating her beautiful ass cheeks. I ran my fingers lightly under the flimsy material, making my dick get so hard I thought it would explode out of my jeans. Keeping one hand on her ass, my other hand made its way up to her breast, feeling her huge tit over her clothing.

I continued kissing and moaning and feeling up Bella until I decided that that was enough foreplay for me. I picked her up and she wrapped her legs around my waist, running her hands through my hair like crazy. I knew I would never make it to the bedroom so I carried her the short distance to the kitchen and sat her on the center island.

I need pussy NOW!

I kissed Bella some more and pushed her dress up, moving her G-string to the side. I started rubbing my thumb against her clit and felt to make sure she was good and wet. I unbuttoned my jeans and dropped them to my ankles, not having to bother with underwear as I went commando this morning as part of my Project Pussy plan.

"Mmmm… Bella, I love you. I need you so fucking badly. Baby… I need you right now," I murmured into her ear as I nibbled on her neck. I pushed myself up against her and slid my dick in nice and slow, making sure not to hurt her or anything since this was our first time in six weeks and the first time since Lizzy was born.

"Damn, you feel so good," I breathed heavily into her neck.

"Nice ass," I heard a voice from behind me say, causing my dick to freeze in Bella's pussy.

"What the hell?" I shouted in shock as my head swiveled around like that demon-possessed girl in the Exorcist.

"I said nice ass," Reneé repeated sarcastically, staring rudely at said ass. Charlie was standing next to her with his hand on his gun holster looking like he was going to launch bombs from his eyeballs.

"Holy fuck," I mumbled as I pulled out and yanked my jeans back up and Bella quickly pushed her dress down.

"Are you two trying to make me another grandbaby?" Reneé asked lightly, like she was asking about the weather or something.

Charlie's hand hadn't moved from his gun, and he looked like he was going to pistol whip me at any moment.

"What are you doing here?" Bella yelled, her face an odd color of purple.

"I was almost to the park when I ran into Charlie. He was coming over to see Lizzy," Reneé replied as she opened the fridge and started rummaging for god knows what.

Something in me snapped at that moment. I don't know if the lack of sex had somehow affected my brain cells, or if it was just the insanity of the moment I was in, but I cracked. I lost it.

"Okay, that's it!" I yelled loudly, running my hands nervously through my hair. "I need to make love to my wife NOW. It's been six, long weeks, and I'm desperate. The two of you need to leave… just give me ten minutes. No… guess what? You can stay. Just watch TV or something, I don't care. Just take care of Lizzy for us," I spouted as I picked Bella up and threw her over my shoulder, hearing her squeal loudly.

I marched determinedly up the stairs, feeling on Bella's ass the entire way up. She giggled and laughed the whole time. I kicked the bedroom door shut with my foot and made sure to lock that sucker. I walked to our bed and laid her down gently. I ripped my clothes off so fast I blurred like one of those damn vampires. Then my stealthy hands got her naked fast, flinging her clothes haphazardly over my head.

I climbed up on top of her and pressed my body close to hers. My hands roamed Bella's body, feeling her soft curves and especially exploring those new, huge tatas of hers. Once I got her heated up again, I slipped my dick into her wetness. And after about ten thrusts, I was done for, just as I predicted. I came so hard I almost pulled a groin muscle.

So did my sex life change after becoming a dad? Do fish swim? Do turds stink?

Well, as I mentioned before, my asshat for a brother, Emmett, was right. Yep, sex after Lizzy definitely changed for us. It didn't help that my mother-in-law lived with us for six months, making me want to commit myself to a psych ward. But Bella's priorities had shifted; mine, unfortunately, stayed the same, with SEX being at the top of my list, blinking in Las Vegas-like neon lights.

I've tried to accept this new stage in our lives, but it's hard when you're living with a seventeen-year-old horny teenager trapped inside your body….


A/N: So what did ya think? Did ya laugh? Did ya like horny daddy Edward? Hehe!

Click that review button and let me know your thoughts! Thanks for reading! ;)