The Jukebox contest

Song choice: I'm too sexy

Rating: M

Word Count: 3,461

Pairing: Edward/Bella

Summary: "It was the face any male model in the world would trade his soul for" (Eclipse). Alice is having a fashion show. How will she get Edward to agree to model and what happens when Emmett finds out? Canon.

Disclaimer: The songs used in this story are "I'm too sexy" by Right Said Fred (the contest prompt), "You sexy thing" by Hot Chocolate and "S&M" by Rihanna. Obviously I own none of them. Or Twilight. But I imagine you know that already!

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

"I win."

Alice appeared beside me, vibrating with more than her usual level of excitement.

"What exactly are you winning?"

"The bet."

I wasn't in the mood for guessing games. I hadn't seen Bella for 254, 512 seconds and my patience was running thin.

"I have no idea to what you are referring, Alice."

She flicked her figures at me in the shape of a W. "Whatever," she said, dismissively. "You're totes doing it."

I raised an incredulous eyebrow. "I beg your pardon?"

She looked slightly abashed, an unusual expression for my sister. "The kids in my class say it. It's rubbing off."

"Apparently."

She jumped up. "Bella will be here in five minutes, so I will leave you to welcome her home. Remember what I said." With that she danced out of our house, leaving me torn between amusement and exasperation.

I scanned my memory for any outstanding bets but I found none. Well, none except for that one in 1961, but it couldn't be that one.

No. Not...that.

Rosalie and Emmett had returned from their most recent honeymoon. Theirs was at all times a very...physical relationship. Still, the images that I was receiving from Emmett were more disturbing than usual. The sun was blazing, trapping me in the house with no escape. I tried blocking them, to no avail.

Finally, the images became too much. "Emmett, for the love of God, would you please think about something else?"

He looked startle; then an evil grin spread across his face. "What's wrong, Edward? Do you like what you see?"

I shuddered. No, I did not.

Emmett assumed a pompous expression. "Edward," he began with mock solemnity. "The love between a man and a woman is a beautiful thing. Sexual intercourse in the context of the sacrament of marriage is a symbol of the love that–"

Rosalie smacked the top of his head. "I hope you aren't poking fun at our wedding, Emmett McCarty."

He pouted. "Of course not, Rosie." He paused for effect.

"I'm making fun of Edward."

She glanced over at my pained face. "Very well. Carry on, then."

"So, as I was saying, the physical expression of love–"

I cut him off. "What I saw wasn't love, Emmett. It was disgusting."

"You don't like a bit of slap-and-tickle? Rosie really likes it when I—"

I cut him off again. "Please don't finish that sentence, Emmett. I don't need any further detail of what the two of you do in your spare time. I know what I saw; it was disgusting."

"Just you wait, Edward. One of these days you'll find yourself the love of a good woman and then we'll see."

I snorted. I had been alone for nearly fifty years; there was no 'good woman' in my future. And even if there were, I could never treat her in such a fashion. No gentleman would.

"Not ever, Emmett. I won't ever do that."

"Wanna bet?" In the years since Alice had joined us, we had all learnt to be cautious about the bets we made. But this one I felt very comfortable making.

"Yes, Emmett. I can guarantee that I will never do THAT."

I shook my head. Alice couldn't have been referring to that incident. I would never treat my wife in such a disrespectful fashion. The very idea made me shudder. And she would never accept such behaviour from me.

I put the matter out of my mind. Bella would be home in two minutes. We had organised to go hunting for the weekend. It was rare for us to have so much time alone together, and I intended to enjoy every minute of it. After seven years of marriage, I still could not get enough of touching her smooth skin or feeling her hands on mine. We had no need of such behaviour as Emmett's in our relationship

It was only when Alice bounded in three days later, towing a confused looking Emmett, that I remembered our conversation. The smug smile on her face told me all I needed to know about how the next conversation was going to proceed. A vulgar phrase I had overheard a classmate using floated through my mind.

I was so completely screwed.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

We had stayed in Forks for four years after Nessie's birth. Thanks to her rapid growth, we could not enrol her in school, so we stayed close to home. She had ample willing teachers in her uncles and aunts, and Bella and I spent hours devising a suitable education program for her. Charlie doted on her at every opportunity, closing his eyes to her growth and her bizarrely advanced intellect. But after four years it became clear that we could not stay in Forks any longer. We had already stayed longer than was usual for us; people were starting to notice Carlisle's youthful good looks had not faded. Bella and I could not visit the town—there was too great a chance of running into someone we knew—and, of course, none of them could be allowed to see Renesme. So we had packed up the house and gone travelling, taking Jacob with us (at Nessie's insistence). We had spent two years in Africa as we had promised Zafrina , then gone touring through Europe and Asia, carefully avoiding Italy as we went. It had been a highly enjoyable period for us all, so I was surprised when Nessie approached me about returning home.

She had decided that she wanted to try a 'normal life'. By this stage, her accelerated growth had slowed—we estimated that she was almost fully grown—so there was no danger now in mingling with humans. She theorised that if she was to interact with humans, she needed some experience in common with them; in short, she wanted to go to high school. I was mentally cataloguing appropriate towns when she dropped her second bombshell; she wanted to do it alone. Apparently, the 'normal human experience of high school' did not include attending with vampire parents who were masquerading as teenagers. The arguments raged long and hard. Jacob was particularly eloquent when he learnt that he too was banned from attending. But Nessie had eventually won her way; she was enrolled into a prestigious boarding school (my condition) with Carlisle and Esme choosing to settle nearby and act as her guardian (their condition).

The decision had left Bella and I at something of a loss, until Esme had suggested that if Renesme was having a new experience, perhaps Bella should too. So we had enrolled ourselves in Dartmouth, Bella to study literature and me to explore anthropology, and prepared to move into the house I had bought before our wedding. With nothing better to do, my siblings decided to come along as well. Jasper enrolled in philosophy—to "see if anything has changed in 30 years"—Rosalie decided on computer science and Emmett on particle physics. He enjoyed confounding the 'dumb jock' stereotype. Alice had decided not to attend Dartmouth with the rest of us, choosing instead to enrol in a nearby school for dressmaking and design. While we missed Nessie immensely, Bella and I had been enjoying having some time for ourselves. Even with assignments and our fortnightly visits to Nessie's school (where we pretended to be her older brother and his girlfriend), we had found time explore each other more thoroughly. In a way, it was as if we were back at the beginning of our marriage, enjoying the 'honeymoon period' we had been denied by Nessie's unexpected conception. Now it seemed that the exploring was about to be my downfall.

Alice propped herself on the edge of the dining room table. Her mind was carefully blank. Her first words were predicable, even for those of us who weren't psychics.

"Told you so."

I grimaced. "Can we skip to the part where you tell me what I have to do? I think we can also dispense with Emmett's company."

"Hey," Emmett protested. "I don't want to be here either. Alice made me."

I allowed my eyes to linger on Alice's tiny seated frame, then travel up Emmett's hulking body, but didn't bother to reply. I knew what he meant.

"I need Emmett here. He made the bet with you. It is his decision about what the forfeit should be."

Emmett was looking confused now. "What bet? Edward and I don't have a bet going." I could see him working through his memories, trying to find what we were talking about. In a desperate attempt to circumvent the train wreck I could see approaching, I turned to Alice.

"I am happy to stipulate that you are the winner in that particular circumstance. There is no reason for Emmett to become involved."

Emmett was still thinking. "The only bet that I can remember that is outstanding is the one from the time that Rosie and I got back from our honeymoon..." I turned my head away in embarrassment as a lascivious grin spread across his face. "You mean...?"

"Yep," Alice confirmed. The smugness in her voice was excruciating.

A large hand clapped me firmly on the back.

"Go Edward! Was it good? Didn't I tell you that the love of a good woman—" I shoved his hand away, rudely interrupting.

"I really don't want to talk about it, Emmett." I turned back to Alice. "What do I have to do?"

"Hey," Emmett protested. "This was my bet. I get to decide."

"Hear me out," Alice said. "I think you'll like it."

She turned to me.

"I am doing a combined project on design and marketing. We have to design a pitch using a real world marketing tool for the ranges that we are currently designing. Most of my class is using magazine mock-ups and internet commentary. I want to do something different; something that will stand out.

I want to have a fashion parade."

If I had blood, it would have run cold. "Alice—"

She held up her hand. "I've got it all organised, Edward. I've found a venue and organised flyers. Jasper is going to do the music for me, and Rosalie has agreed to model the women's clothes. I just need you for the men's range."

I cast an outraged glance at Emmett who had mashed his lips together in an inevitably vain attempt to keep from laughing out loud. "Why me? I'm sure Emmett would be happy to parade around in front of complete strangers."

Alice shook her head. "Emmett is too big. I need someone of more normal proportions. I can't hire a model; I need someone I already know the sizing for."

"What about Jasper?" I was starting to clutch at straws now.

"Jasper is blond. I need someone with different colouring from Rosalie to show off the range of colours in my designs." Her face grew thoughtful. "I suppose, if you outright refuse I could ask Bella. Her colouring would work nicely with Jasper. Rosalie would be disappointed but I could deal with that."

The vision appeared suddenly in her mind. I watch with horror as my wife paraded down a catwalk wearing a dress that left nothing to the imagination. I ground my teeth together at the lust showing clearly on the faces of every onlooking male.

Over my cold, undead body.

The vision disappeared and Alice clapped her hands excitedly.

"Thank you, Edward. You won't regret this—I promise!"

One look at Emmett told me that, this time, Alice was dead wrong.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

I was proved right many times over the next two weeks. Emmett was in fine form. He bought a ridiculously over-sized camera and a beret and ran around in front of me yelling "work it, baby, work it". I found photos of me with absurd captions stashed around the house. 'Morose Edward' was apparently his favourite, though Rosalie preferred 'Pissedward'. He made special trips to my lectures to make faces at me through the window that he claimed were 'blue steel'. He even challenged me to a 'walk off'. Worst of all, he plastered the campus with flyers for the fashion show until the entire student body was talking about it.

Predictably, Rosalie and Jasper found the entire situation hilarious. Less predictably, so did Bella. When I asked her about it, she claimed that she had always thought I could model, and that she was pleased to see my 'natural assets' being allowed to shine. I realised then that she was spending too much time with Emmett. Alice was considerably less amused, but as she was working on her show all hours (quite literally), the miscreants were spared her displeasure. I could only hope she was plotting some revenge which she would administer at a more suitable time. Nessie begged for the opportunity to come to what she termed my "modelling debut", but I put my foot down. No parent should be forced to humiliate themselves so completely in front of their child. Somewhat to my surprise, Alice backed me up, which only served to make me more nervous.

The day of the fashion show dawned as gloomy as Alice had predicted. I had no classes that day—nothing to take my mind off the approaching horror—so, after seeing Bella off to class, I went hunting. Bella, after considerably pleading on my part, had agreed not to attend the show. She would hunt after her class, and then meet me. I was hoping to be far, far away from my siblings this weekend.

Rosalie was waiting for me at the house when I returned. She had volunteered to drive to the venue, probably to make sure I actually turned up. I didn't care. Rosalie could at least be trust to drive fast and not talk, which suited my mood perfectly.

Alice was in full organiser mode when we arrived. She pushed me bodily into a waiting chair and started playing with my hair. By the time she was finished, it was even more messy than usual, though I valued my life too highly to complain. Then she started to smear my face with foundation. I closed my eyes, breathed deeply and tried to block out the sounds of Jasper and Emmett's laughter behind me.

It was going to be a long day.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

"Alice!" I stormed angrily out of my dressing room, to where Alice stood, her mouth full of pins, adjusting a dress on Rosalie. "I am not going out in front of half the student population wearing nothing but...this!" The tiny scrap of fabric dangled from my fingers. "I don't even know what it is."

Rosalie glanced at it through the mirror and cracked a smile. "It's called a g-string Edward and I'm sure it will look very fetching on you. Look, it's even bronze, to match your hair."

Alice spat the pins into her hand. "EMMETT," she roared. "Give Edward's clothes back NOW or so help me, God, you WILL regret it!"

I turned around to see Emmett standing next to my dressing room. Behind him, I could see the shirt and trousers he had returned. I stalked back into the dressing room, viciously pulling the curtain shut behind me.

Need any help getting dressed, Edward? I'm happy to give you some tips if you like.

"Is there any reason you are here, Emmett?"

"I wouldn't miss this for the world, Eddie! I'm helping Jasper with the music."

I closed my eyes and pinched the bridge of my nose.

Renesme had recently introduced me to a phrase that many of her school friends were using. It contained words that I had instantly banned her from using, especially in my presence. But today it seemed strangely appropriate. In the privacy of my mind, I indulged in a little scatological language.

Fuck my life.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Jasper banged on the doorframe. "Come on, Edward, it's about to start."

You need to hurry up, Edward. Alice will kill you if this isn't perfect.

I sighed. It was time.

Borderline-pornographic underwear aside, I liked the clothing Alice had made for me. I made my way over to where she was standing and gave her a one-armed hug.

"The clothes are great, Alice. Well done."

She smiled at me, fussing a little with my shirt. "You look very handsome, Edward."

And Bella's going to love the g-string.

I winced. I did not need the reminder that Alice was still getting visions of my intimate time with Bella. Suddenly, Alice, straightened up.

"Okay, it's time. Jasper will start the music and all you have to do is walk through the curtains. You go first; then Rosalie will follow. Don't forget to do two rotations of the catwalk then come backstage again. "

With one last smile, she flittered away, leaving me standing alone.

Okay, Edward, Jasper thought, here we go. I hope you like the soundtrack we picked.

A deep voice boomed suddenly through the speakers:

I'm too sexy for my love,

Too sexy for my love

Love's going to leave me...

Someday soon, Jasper and Emmett were going to pay for this.

Walking out onto the stage was like descending into Dante's second circle of Hell. The lust was palpable. I was bombarded by licentious thoughts and obscene images.

Holy hell, that's Alice's brother?

Oh my god, check THAT out.

You are too sexy for that shirt. Take it off!

He can model on my catwalk any time.

God, I hope there is a swimwear section.

Worse, still, were the thoughts of some of the men.

Well, tie me up and call me Spanky!

Tell me he's gay; he's too pretty to be straight.

Trying not to cringe, I strode around the stage, trying to highlight the wedding ring on my finger. It didn't seem to be helping. I tried to block out the thoughts, with no success.

Impossibly, the music only got worse. The crowd was soon singing along:

I believe in miracles,

Since you came along.

You sexy thing.

This was hell, pure hell.

I had finally reached my breaking point. Jasper and Emmett's soundtrack had moved to a female singer. I had hoped that this would result in less inflammatory lyrics, but that hope was soon dashed.

Sticks and stones may break my bones,

But chains and whips excite me.

I really was going to kill Emmett.

The crowd was still singing along; over them I could hear Jasper and Emmett laughing uproariously. The images I was seeing had become outright pornographic; some I was sure were actually illegal. I loved Alice, but this was torture. I was about to refuse to go back onstage when all the thoughts disappeared. Blessed silence filled my mind.

My Bella was here.

Over the years, she had learned how to consciously control her shield without anger. I wondered if Alice had called her or if she had just known I would need her. It didn't matter. Now, I was eager to go out on stage. My Bella was out there, waiting for me.

I caught a glimpse of an image. Just a brief look, Bella still had trouble opening her mind to me without physical contact, but it was enough. Bella was enjoying the show; she thought I looked...sexy. Another image flashed. She was making plans for later tonight. Plans which involved the shirt I was currently wearing.

Suddenly, the fashion show didn't seem so bad.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

"So, how does it feel to be a famous male model?"

I made a face at Bella as she laughed at me. We had sped away from venue as soon as the show was finished, neatly avoiding Alice's efforts to railroad us into attending her "epic after party". Let Rosalie bask in the glow of success; I had other things on my mind.

"I am going to kill Emmett and Jasper for that soundtrack."

Bella laughed again. "Your face was priceless. What were you thinking?"

"I was trying not to think. The things some of those people were thinking about me! It was disgusting."

Bella shook her head with mock solemnity. "The youth of today. No respect."

I growled at her. She giggled and moved closer.

"I think they got it just about right." Her voice was husky and I could feel my body responding. I knew what this voice meant. "You are too sexy for that shirt. Let me take remove for you."

Her hands slid down the front of the shirt, slowly undoing the buttons and easing it off my shoulders. Her mouth followed, kissing down my chest until she reached my pants. Easing off my belt, she popped the button on my trousers and slid them off.

Alice was right.

Bella did like the g-string.