I guess you could call this my 2nd story to the TMNTxOC challenge on Stealthy. Emyrs Becker is from my fic "I Remember You". I've had this cute idea for a while. It's nothing official to that universe at all. A side one-shot deal. Have a chuckle or two at their expense.
"Okay, Old Lady. Buy anything you want here. I won't say no."
Raphael hawked a big puddle of spit onto the sidewalk and scratched his beak. His companion, the fiery German turtle Emyrs Becker, disgustingly peered up at him and then back to the grocery store. She shook her head and waved at a random child going into the building. "I'm so thrilled."
"What?" he snapped and stepped in front of her. "I gotta get some toilet paper and beef jerky. Actually I have a list of crap that Leo gave to me. Like I'm so kind of bag boy. Thought you would like to come along! Buy anything you want. I mean it."
"Not like last time where I picked up a candy bar and you told me to put it back because you didn't have enough and you wanted to buy cigarettes for a minor?"
His eyes bulged. "Hey! He had tickets to a Mets game, OKAY? OKAY!"
"You're spitting on me." She wiped her face and patted his, dramatically announcing to New York, "I get to go to the grocery store with RAPHAEL! I'm so excited! I may buy some gum and batteries! I've always to go on a date here! Are you going to kiss me by the employee bathrooms?" She held her cheesy grin until his eyes caved back into his skull. "Is that better, chap?"
Not finding the humor in anything, Raphael grumpily made his way through the automatic doors and glowered back at her. He had the toughest time getting the grocery cart out of the hold.
Mad, mad puppy, she mused and followed him through the store. How was it that a twenty five year old tells a forty five what to do? She found amusement over his consistent stormy cloud brewing over his head. Her American holiday was proving to be full of surprises like playing chess with an spunky elder rat, eating the different foods, meeting the vivacious American people, and having a soft spot for a grumpy turtle who acted more like HE was forty five.
She overheard his comment that people should use cloth diapers instead of the disposable ones, and she almost fainted from laughter on aisle four.
"It's true, you old bat! Stop laughing!" he chuckled and crossed an x over the Pampers brand. "Earth ain't always gonna be around. People need to stop shitting." He picked up a box of twinkies and Cheese-Wiz.
In the meat department, Raphael was eyeing the sales. He mumbled the prices and said he was on a budget and then stopped an employee who looked like he was in a rush to find freedom. Emyrs didn't catch any of the conversation. She was too busy checking out a guy's nice butt on aisle three.
"His ass is no where near the greatness of mine, toots." She nearly jumped out of her skin from Raphael's bass voice. He wasn't happy with his find and whispered into her ear, "Fucking cowboy ass."
Her hazel eyes squeezed shut as she laughed, "It's a 7."
"4.5." He walked past her and pointed at her, strolling ahead, "Don't look at mine." Emyrs rolled her eyes and looked up at the aisle signs to find her way around the place.
He stopped by the snack aisles and excused himself to an older gentleman. "Cool hat."
"I bought it in 1980. Older than you, son."
"The older the better, I say." Clearing his throat and studying the washing detergent price by ounce, he strolled up the aisle and wasn't watching where he was going but he could magically maneuver around the people. Ninja shopping at its finest.
Meanwhile on aisle eight, Emyrs was looking over the koolaid packets. A young father and his two sons who were stuffed in the cart with the food were arguing over which flavors to choose.
"Miss, which ones do you like?" he desperately asked, turning to her. She picked up a handful of packets and folded them out for the boys to see.
"I enjoy grape and lemonade," she smiled.
Blonde headed son inquired, "What about fruit punch?"
"That gives me yeast infection. Very itchy."
The brunette son pointed out her German accent. "Beast infection? So you turn into a were-armadillo and eat little kids?"
Raphael's cart squealed to a stop. "She likes to eat red heads so you're safe. My favorite is the strawberry."
"Daddy, she talks funny. Where she from?" Blondie innocently chewed on his finger.
Father scooped up every flavor of koolaid on the shelf and threw it in the cart, brushing the top of his sons' heads. "That's not very nice. Ask her directly."
"Werelady, where you from?"
"Germany." She yanked the strawberry packet out of the box. "A place called Bergedorf, outside of Hamburg."
"Is that the capital of hamburgers?"
Brunette son added, "I think Dracula lives there. I bet he likes the fruit punch and it gives him beast infection."
"Have a good evening," the father quickly waved and dashed out of the conversation. Emyrs dropped her koolaid choices into Raphael's cart.
"I feel like I have beast infection once a month."
He leaned into the cart and then tilted it back with his foot, tossing the contents everywhere in it. "Are you almost ready?"
"I need sugar. I used the last of it this morning with my coffee and Casey's cornflakes."
The cart loudly slammed back on the floor. "You fixing his cornflakes now? Something I should know?"
She patted his hands and peered up at the aisle signs. "I'll make yours tomorrow."
There was a giant spill on aisle six. Raphael picked up the cart and walked over the mess. "Do you want me to carry you?"
"I can go back the other way. Thanks."
He huffed and put down the cart, mumbling, "Women. Never want to be saved anymore."
She appeared in front of him, making him suddenly stop the cart. "You would have put me in the cart and hauled me over, right?"
He bit his lower lip and tried not to laugh.
"Yeah. I thought so."
Back to the meat department. A giant box of fish was thrown into the cart. Emyrs rearranged the contents to make room for more items.
"That's a big damn box of fish, Em. You taking some back home to Germany?"
"I'll leave it for Splinter. He likes fish." She looked around the store and scrunched up her face. "I need to relieve myself. Do you see the bathroom anywhere?"
"Do I look like a map?"
She pushed the cart into his gut. "I'll do what we do in Germany: we go on the floor."
He coughed, "Seriously?"
A stiff gaze met his bewildered one as she started off in a random direction.
In the ladies room, Emyrs was having a difficult time. To make things easier, she daydreamed of going to the movies, having a nice walk in the park, and snuggling on the couch during a monster marathon with him. They would share popcorn together but not a drink because she knew Raphael back-washed. She couldn't wait for their trip back to the laser tag together. Alone. Without brothers involved who played mean pranks and caused her to get smashed against the wall and break every bone in her body.
Her ribs still ached.
After a gigantic pound on the bathroom door, she no longer felt her bodily woes. "Did you die in there, Old Lady? Come on! I wanna stop by the Taco Depot."
She washed her hands and grumbled into the sink. "He'll be where I am after a trip there."
The door swung open and she nearly collided into him. "Did you want to go there, Em? I mean, I'm always hogging where we go. You pick." He straightened the hat on her head.
"Yeah because it smells like cat food there," she remarked and moved her hat to a more comfortable position. "How about that sub shop?"
Sighing, he moved her hat around a little more to his liking. "I want a man meal. Lots of calories. I'm going to work out tonight." She put her hat back in the original position, and when he reached for it, she slapped his hand.
"I'll just make myself a fish dinner. I need sugar for my koolaid and I'm good to go."
"That's all? Just fish, koolaid, and sugar?" Raphael whirled the cart around and thrust it towards the registers' direction. "Whoever did the survey on the average woman didn't ask you. You're cheap. I guess I keep you." She just rolled her eyes and kept walking.
Raphael wanted to check the meat prices again, and Emyrs picked up a giant pork loin and smacked it on his head. He never saw it coming. Some ninja, she snickered.
At the register, she unloaded the smaller items per Raphael's demand. He wanted to look cool picking up a box of fish. The last item to run through the scanner was a pack of strawberry gum.
"Em, that put me over my budget. You owe me a dollar."
She took him seriously at first but when he winked at her, she threatened to get the loin back out. The cashier grinned and wished the "happy couple" a good evening.
"She hasn't said yes yet." Raphael carried the fish box on his shoulder.
She fumbled with the small bags. "He's not even ASKED yet."
The automatic doors agape and they stepped into the cool air. A few minutes of the journey was walked in silence until Em chuckled and looked at him.
"I give you an 8."
Raphael's short termed memory appeared. "Huh?"
"No cowboy's ass in this family. Leo's a 9 though."
He almost dropped the fish box but caught it with his free hand. "Leo CAN'T be no 9! If he is, then I'm a 10! I break the scale, woman!"
They stopped at the Taco Depot and ordered his man-load of food. Instead of carrying just a fish box, he now had a bag full of tacos and a grin as wide as the Hudson. They laughed and gambled on how long he was going to be on the toilet later that evening.
"So," clearing his throat and shuffling around the box and bag, "yes or no?"
She had been daydreaming about baking strawberry cupcakes. "Hmm?"
He was stiff and shuffling his eyes. "Yes or no. After we put up this stuff and I eat."
"It would help if I knew the question, Raphael."
She watched him twitch nervously and look at the evening sky. What was his problem? Yes or no at what? As soon as his mouth opened, she knew what he meant. "Yes. I would love to go to laser tag with you."
"Alone?" His eyes seemed almost puppy-like, in a weird way.
"Think it would be as fun?"
He shrugged his free shoulder. "I like your company. You and your fish and koolaid."
They waited on a streetlight to change and stood close to one another as they walked through the city's nightly transformation.
Would YOU give Leo a 9?