The Lost Testament

By Jack Lowell

In the Bible there is no description of the time between when Jesus is placed in the tomb and when Mary, his hooker, realizes the tomb is empty. The time that passed with no description was exactly one day.

A lot can happen in a day.

Death was the perfect cover for the perfect murder. Who would expect the dead to avenge themselves? No one, that's who. Jesus Christ was the dead man, God, his own father had let it happen. Jesus knew what must be done.

Jesus shoved the boulder out of the way. The sun's glint told him it was morning, he hadn't been dead too long so he knew that it had to be Saturday. That gave him one day till his bitch, Mary, came to make his dead body a sandwich. He was Jesus Christ, a day was plenty of time. He put on his jet cross and took off towards Heaven. It took only an hour before he was at the pearly gates, when he moved on and into heaven itself they were in no way pearly, they were bloody. On earth Jesus managed to turn five loaves of bread into five thousand in heaven he managed to turn five dead angels into a million. He worked miracles all right.

As Jesus approached God's palace the fighting slowed and finally stopped. He looked around as he absent mindedly decapitated one last angel and noticed that there was no movement, no sound, nothing. Jesus wondered if perhaps he had killed the last one of his father's servants. He hadn't. They came at him from the shadows with a divine fury, interrupting his moment of peace. As the first one swung a sword he caught the blade with one hand twisted it around and punctured it's heart. With his other bare hand he sliced the head off of one of his attackers. His arms were spread apart leaving his chest open, one of the angels attempted to take advantage of this but at the last second Jesus swung his foot up, it landed right between his assailants legs ripping him in half. Robes bloodied Jesus glanced up and noticed one charging straight at him. Jesus removed his crown of thorns took three steps forward and leapt onto the angel. As they collided Jesus wrapped the crown around his enemies angelic throat choking him till the last breath of air was extinguished from his throat.

No angel stood a chance against Jesus, he plowed through them for hours until the bodies piled higher than he could see. At this point he was certain that only one remained, his Father. He entered the golden halls of his father's palace, his feet staining the spotless floors with blood. He entered the throne room, his father looked up. He shed a single tear before he spoke.

"Son, please don't kill me, forgive me for letting you die for their sins. Just give me a chance, please."

Jesus laughed, pulled out his pistol, and pointed it straight at his father.

"It's time to meet your maker. Bitch."

His finger twitched on the trigger, a bullet flew from the barrel and straight into the almighty. It was over, he had done it and he still had three hours to get back and eat that sandwich.

"Praybacks a Bitch"