This idea came to me when I was watching TCM and the movie Cyrano was on. But because Double D is an Ed and nothing ever really works out the way they want it too…I thought this would be fun to play around with. I'm surprised I've kept them at a relatively similar age to what they are in the show, but I'd expect one where they're older any day now.
Originally I had wanted this to be a one-shot but I realized that there were just too many plot points and it was going to start to drag on and I didn't want that.
Anyway, please enjoy!
Only Fooling Ourselves
Eddward had been walking the hallways of Peach Creek Junior High at a moderate pace, almost in time to the beat of music that played out from his headphones. The noise from the rest of the school had been blocked out and Edd's entire world was filled with the beautiful rhythms of Mozart's Symphony No. 40. It was breath taking, especially when the first movement reached the second theme. It was because of the music that swam inside his ears, that he missed Kevin calling his name and nearly jumped out of his skin when the boy made a grab for his shoulder.
"Good Lord, Kevin," he let out a breath, "you frightened me." Edd shook his head, almost disapprovingly so, and carefully removed the ear-buds from his ears, throwing the wire over his shoulder casually. When he completed his task he calmly smiled, waiting for Kevin to speak.
"Uh – yeah, I need your help Double Dweeb," he rolled his eyes at his own request; almost as if he was ashamed he needed the help of someone so below him. Edd wouldn't have that though, as he turned his back on Kevin, mildly shrugging his shoulders.
"Well, of course I would consider contributing to you a helping hand," he started with a sarcastic tone, "but using such a discourteous moniker when asking for assistance?" Edd clicked his tongue with shame and sadly shook his head. Yet he smirked, only slightly, for he was pleased with himself for having an upper hand.
"Uh, moniker?" Kevin repeated unsurely, trying to find the meaning of the word within his own head.
"Nickname," Edd replied sourly, inwardly wondering why he was surrounding by people of such lesser intelligence. Didn't anybody read books anymore?
When Kevin understood Edd's meaning he rolled his eyes again before nervously fiddling with his hat, bringing the rim of it to the front and then returning it to the back. After a moment of silent debate with himself he heavily sighed.
"Yeah man, whatever. Double D, I need your help," though there was still something rather rude about Kevin's sullen tone, Edd thought it best to be the better person and listen.
"Why sure," he smiled, turning around, "what can I do for you?"
Kevin stared at him blankly before asking a rather odd question.
"Are you like, any good at writing things and stuff?" he asked quietly, as if he didn't want anybody to hear. From his nervousness Edd might have believed Kevin was asking him for tutoring, to which of course he'd be delighted. But something in red tints of his cheeks told him otherwise.
"And stuff?" Edd reiterated, "Well I suppose so," he thought for a moment, "but I believe my strengths lie within the sciences. You know, chemistry, biology. But I suppose I've read enough classics in my short lifetime to be inspired to write something somewhat reasonable, if that's what you're asking." Kevin nodded his head quickly to Edd's ramble.
"How about the mushy romantic stuff," he nudged in almost a whisper, "read anything about those things?"
"Romantic?" Edd questioned unsurely. He had perused the novels of the Brontë sisters, Austen, and even Shikibu. Did Kevin also mean works like that of Shakespeare? Did poems count? He was looking at his question in such a thoroughly academic sense he didn't see Kevin's cheeks redden even deeper.
"Nazz saw this movie the other night where the main dude gets the girl through writing mushy girly letters, so now she's on some kick about it," Kevin sighed, "and just when I wanted to ask her out to a movie or whatever." He stuck his hands into his pockets and moved about uneasily. "But yeah, she's awesome and worth it."
Edd stared at him blankly as his mind tried to process what was asked of him. He chose his words carefully before gathering enough courage to ask Kevin a question of his own.
"You'd like my help in wooing Nazz?" As in pretty, nice, albeit a bit air headed Nazz? Edd felt his heart sink a bit as he anxiously shuffled his feet back and forth. "I don't know if I can Kevin, you see, I too admire her very much."
Kevin's face fell to an unreadable mask until his lips curved into a smile, which formed into a grin, which let out a nearly cruel laugh. Edd's own cheeks turned pink and his eyes narrowed at the boy laughing at his confession.
"Do you seriously think you have a chance with Nazz?" Kevin wondered between tears of laughter, almost as if he was showing off he wiped one away. "She's so outta your league dude."
Edd crossed his arms over his chest and rolled his eyes, not believing how someone who was asking for help could be so rude. It just didn't make any sense. Not that Kevin was the most logical person he had come to meet, but that wasn't that point.
"You do realize, Kevin, you're not really selling your case as to why I should help you in this endeavor." Edd made a turn to leave when Kevin grabbed his shoulder and slammed him into a locker. Edd wasn't afraid though, nervous maybe, but not afraid. Kevin had threatened him tons of times before, mostly because he was friends Eddy. Such was the prince to pay.
"All right look dude," the red capped boy sighed and rubbed his temples with his fingers, as if thinking was something he had trouble in. "Let's make a deal here, okay pal?" One of Edd's eyebrows raised, he was being overly nice, and it was creepy. "You write up one hell of mushy, romantic piece of whatever, type it up, unsigned, and whoever Nazz asks first…me or you…will get her."
Edd gave Kevin's face a once over, as to make sure he wasn't playing him. After a moment, the sock headed boy decided the deal seemed legit enough for him.
"Fine, I agree to your terms," he held out his hand to shake but Kevin instead turned it into a high-five.
"All right, Nazz's locker is 217," Kevin explained bluntly before trying to leave.
"Ah, wait Kevin, 217? Isn't that on the second floor? I thought Nazz was downstairs?" Edd's voice was unsure. He was almost positive her locker was on the same floor as his.
"Where have you been dude? The repairs or whatever their making kicked a couple of kids out of their lockers," Kevin motioned towards the side of the school where the construction was taking place, "duh."
"Oh well, right-o then," he gave a nervous laugh then rolled his eyes and watched as Kevin turned and made his way down the school corridor. When he saw his back disappear Edd made his way straight to the library. He had work to do and so caught up in his own thoughts he didn't hear Kevin mumble…
"Maybe it was 216…ah whatever."
He had gathered up as many books as his weak arms could carry. Most of them he had all ready read, but not thoroughly enough to make the impact this letter needed to emote. He wanted Nazz to feel that she was held on a pedestal, to shower her with the sweet nothing of words, and of course make it somewhat obvious he wrote it and not that monkey of a man Kevin.
And while it might have been clear for most of their classmates if such a letter magically showed up, Nazz was a little on the ditzy side. Everyone had their flaws; Edd could certainly over look it.
Having set up what he comically thought of as the Romantic Station, in front of him was a clean page in his notebook and a pencil for erasing which was sure to be a necessity. His novels and books of poems were open to a variety of different themes and on his laptop were various pages of romantic quotes. He believed he was prepared to make at least an attempt and as he set pen to paper a familiar voice broke him from his concentration.
"Yo Sock Head…" Eddy greeted with a dull tone as he noisily pulled out one of the table's chairs and sat beside his friend. As soon as his rear planted on the seat cushion, he tipped it back and let his feet rest on the table's edge.
"Goodness Eddy," Edd scolded as he tried to push his friend's feet off, "that isn't anyway to treat school property."
"You're right, I should burn it," he joked and let out a snarl of a laugh. Edd simply shook his head and turned back to his work, but his piles of collected research material had been pushed to the side, Ed's face had taken its place. His dimwitted buddy decided to lie on the table in its stead.
"Hello Ed," he sighed.
"Double D, you are reading girly things and I do not like it one bit mister," Ed's entire body trembled as if he was going to break down. Eddy sat up and leaned over the table, grabbing for one of the twenty or so books Edd had set himself up with.
"Jane Eerie?" he asked with an unsure, curious tone. He thumbed through it once before nearly throwing it back on the pile. "How stupid, no pictures."
"That's Jane Eyre, Eddy, a classic!" Garnering as much strength as he could, he pushed Ed to the floor and reorganized his station. Everything was a mess now; he'd have to start from the beginning.
"What's all this for Double D?" Eddy wondered with a yawn, he yanked another book from Edd's hands and looked through it, checking for pictures. "It ain't for homework right? If it is, do it for me will ya?"
"No it's not for homework," Edd replied with a dour tone, "and even if it was I wouldn't do it for you. School work is meant solely for the student, for what purpose would it have towards you if you didn't complete it yourself?"
Eddy gave him a pained look before slamming his forehead on the table. He was obviously not in the mood for Edd's lectures.
"That looks like fun Eddy, Ed shall try it!" Ed laughed as he too followed suit and slammed his head down on the table, causing it to violently vibrate and knock Edd's things over to the floor excluding his laptop, thankfully. Maybe coming to the library wasn't such a good idea.
"My goodness gentlemen, if you two don't quit it with this tomfoolery I'll never get my work done," he reprimanded in strained breath, reaching down to pick up his books one by one by one. He had a bit of sweat dripping down his forehead by the time he was finished.
"What work? What the hell is going on?" Eddy demanded, not liking the feeling of being out of the loop. He gave a deep pout before leaning on his arm, waiting for the explanation he so very wanted.
"Well you see," Edd started as he opened his notebook to the fresh, clean page it had been on before. "Kevin and I have a little wager."
"A wager?" he paused, thinking, "oh you mean a bet?" Eddy's sat up straight with a rush of excitement. "How much you stake Double D and can I get in some of this action?" Eddy rubbed this thumb against the tips of his fingers; signally he wanted cash, and lots of it. Just like always.
"No, this bet isn't for money," Edd shook his head and Eddy deflated immediately.
"Then what's the point," he sighed, turning away.
"That is," Edd pointed as Nazz made her way into the library. With a casual flip of her short blonde hair, she gave a nice wave over towards the boys before making her way to the other side of the room.
"You bet Nazz?" Eddy asked with question, looking back and forth between the cheerleader and his friend. "How the heck do you think you'll get Nazz? You can barely stand when she gets close to you…" Eddy rolled his eyes and Edd wondered if he was siding with Kevin.
"I'll win her through words, Eddy," he explained. "Nazz seems to have developed a liking for the romantic written word and since Kevin is lacking in the skills to write something that eloquent he asked for my assistance," he smirked as he thought of a clever idea and wrote it down.
"I don't get," Eddy pressed for more information, "if you're helping Kevin how do you get Nazz? Not that she'll want you when she's obviously so into me," he bragged but Edd ignored his gloat.
"The letter will be unsigned and whoever Nazz goes to first wins her," he finished simply, his head too focused on the work in front of him. He looked up at his laptop, scrolled down the page and found the perfect quote to paraphrase. This was going to be a piece of cake.
"Yeah, well what if she comes to me or to Ed?" Both Eddy and Edd took a passing glance at their less than brilliant friend who just smiled at them brightly without a word. "Or me?"
"Hah," Edd laughed with a roll of his eyes, "you're worse around girls than I am Eddy, no matter what you boast about otherwise." When he finished his defense he started furiously writing again.
Edd could tell Eddy wanted to fight more, but even if his friend did continue to ramble he found he wasn't all that interested in what he had to say. His had become completely swept up in his letter, going back and forth between the books and the internet, even coming up with some ideas of his own. He was sure these words would take Nazz's breath away. All she had to do was…
I trust you know who wrote this, he crisply scripted at the bottom of the paper, please come speak to me as soon as possible.
Picking up the rough draft of the letter he read it over once, and then again. When he found no imperfections he typed it up as quickly as he could, one key at a time. He thought he might have heard Eddy make fun of what he had written, maybe Ed had proclaimed his love of gravy, maybe, but it didn't matter.
The smile on his face was wide as he hit the option to print.
As soon as his letter slid from the printer he gathered his things and bid his friends a fond farewell, a little thankful they didn't follow. Walking at a fairly fast pace, he made his way towards the stairwell and climbed up to the second floor. There were a couple of eighth graders leaning against their lockers, and a few of the seventh graders in his class that had their lockers moved were organizing their new space. He walked over in that direction.
"214, 215, 216…ah, here it is, 217," he looked over his shoulder, up and down each side to make sure no one was paying him any mind before folding the paper neatly and sliding into the slits at the top of the locker. He nodded his head once to assure everything was going to work his way for once before turning back towards the stairwell to meet with Ed and Eddy.
He had all ready made his way to the first floor when the owner of the locker turned the combination to open it.
"I dunno why I went to math; I had a magazine waiting for me in the boiler room!" Marie listened as her older sister, Lee, complained. "It might-a been worth while if that cute little Eddy was in that class."
"Ah, shut your face Lee!" Marie bit back, growing tired of her nagging. "You know Mom said we had to sit through more classes or else!" None of the sisters knew what "else" was but they weren't going to risk it.
"Bite me Marie; get your shit so we can go home…" Lee leaned up against the wall as Marie tried to remember her new locker combination. The school renovation had kicked her out of her old locker and forced her upstairs, away from her sisters. When she recalled the final number, she swung it open, hitting Lee with the door. Marie let out a cackle of a laugh.
"Damn it!" Lee cursed, trying to slap at her sister but the blue haired girl moved away.
"Excuse me," a meek voice asked as the two sisters fought. Marie turned to look and saw it was the blonde cheerleader Nazz and frowned at her.
"Yeah, what do ya want?" Lee asked, putting her hands on her hips.
"Can't ya see we're having a conversation here?" Marie snapped right after, leaning in towards her, trying to be intimidating. She didn't have to try hard.
"Well, I like need to get to my locker," Nazz explained as she pointed towards the wall, "it's 216, and you're kind of blocking it."
"Whatever," Lee grumbled as she moved out of the way. Marie shrugged and turned back to her own locker, searching for her doodle filled notebooks when her eye caught a piece of paper she didn't recognize hanging from the slit on the inside. She glanced around the side of the door and saw that Lee didn't notice and grabbed for it, stuffing it in her backpack before her older sister could see. When she deemed herself finish she slammed it shut.
"There, all done," she shouted in Lee's ear as their younger sister May appeared behind them. She licked at her bucked front teeth and laughed as Lee grabbed for Marie's head and ruffled her hair as hard as she could.
"Come on," May finally spoke, breaking her sisters fight, "let's get home. I don't wanna be here anymore," she whined.
Marie and Lee stopped as quickly as they started and nodded agitatedly, agreeing with their little sister. Lee took the head of the group as she led their way out of the school.
Though she put her tough act on the outside, Marie's thoughts were completely focused on the paper that had been stuffed in her locker. She knew it wouldn't be from her sisters because anything they had to say, they'd say to her face. It could have been a simple school notice but that seemed too boring and she wanted it to be exciting.
By the time they reached Park n' Flush Marie could hold her excitement in no longer. Shrugging off her backpack, she grabbed the straps in her hands and swung it around, clutching it to her chest. She kicked open the front and made her way straight towards the stairs.
"Don't either of you come upstairs right now or I swear I'll bite your faces off," she screamed, stomping up to their bedroom. She could have sworn she heard Lee and May mumble something about being on her period but she decided she get them for that later.
Dropping her bag onto the bed, she dug around inside its unorganized contents until she found the folded up piece of paper. Without waiting even a moment she spread-out it out and began to read with vigor.
A lot of the words she didn't quite understand but things like "lovely eyes" or "takes my breath away" we're pretty darn clear. And one line that said "everything I ever wished in my life started coming true the day I met you" was almost like a lyric in song. It made her so excited that when she finished reading it she had to read it over and over again.
When she finished it the fourth time she held it to her chest and fell back on her bed with a rush of emotion. She knew exactly who it was from too, all those pretentious big words gave it away.
"Double D loves me!" Marie cooed, jumping up from her bed and going over to the closet. She pulled out her personal keep sake box and stashed the letter on the bottom, beneath all the other knickknacks she deemed important in her life. And after hiding her box again, she sat against the closet doors and began thinking.
Edd was obviously shy and was afraid to talk to Marie face to face first, that much explained the letter. Marie had made her feelings clear many, many times before but her temper and tendency to get a little over her head made Edd fear her. She wasn't stupid; she knew her actions had consequences.
But she wondered how to go about thanking him for the letter without freaking him out, as he was so easily shaken. She tapped her foot repeatedly, curious if she had the willpower not to jump him when they were alone together, to be…at least what the other kids in Peach Creek saw as normal.
Hell, she liked the way she was, and she guessed Edd did too. But maybe turning it down a bit would be best. No, it probably was best it was just going to be a lot of work. She sat up from the floor and threw open her bedroom door, hearing May shriek at the sudden crash.
"You're scaring your baby sister Marie, quit it!" Lee shouted from what sounded like the kitchen but the blue-haired girl ignored it as she made her way out of the trailer and into the park. Lee and May were at the door as soon as both feet touched the ground.
"Where the heck do ya think you're going?" Lee demanded and May nodded her head agreeing with her big sister's question.
"Out, don't worry your ugly little heads," she laughed as she walked away, "I'll be back soon."
"You better!" May chirped as Lee slammed the door behind Marie. The middle sister rolled her eyes as she left Park n' Flush and made her way towards the house on the corner of the cul-de-sac, that neat pretty blue one she always admired. She wondered, as she walked passed the playground, if she'd ever get to live in a house like that, rather than a trailer parks she'd grown up in.
She shook the thought away when she finally reached the corner house and glanced up at one of the second floor windows, hoping Edd was in his room and not out and about with his friends. She watched carefully and breathed a sigh of relief when she saw him walk past his window towards the other side of his room. Looking around her feet she gathered a few small stones and chucked them up towards his closed bedroom window.
One, two, three, it was the forth stone that he noticed as he scurried over towards his window and propped it open with his ruler. He shuddered when he saw the person trying to get his attention was Marie, and she observed his shiver as well.
"Don't worry," she held up her hands in a show of good will, "I here on my best behavior I swear it." Marie spread her hands wide apart as to prove she wasn't crossing her fingers or doing anything to make him believe she would be lying. Edd, cautious but courteous, nodded slowly and left the window to meet Marie on his front lawn.
She moved quickly from his yard to the front door and swayed back and forth as she waited for him to come see her. She loved how polite he was, even if he was scared out of his mind. Her focus snapped back to reality as Edd opened the door slowly for her.
"Mah-Mah-Marie," he stuttered, looking her up and down as to make sure this wasn't a nightmare. "What are you doing here?"
"To thank you," Marie blushed without meaning too. It was the first time a boy had ever given her something so nice, so romantic. As tough as she was, she was girl, and she couldn't help it.
"Thank me?" Edd wondered. He opened the door wider as if that would give him a bigger picture of the situation. "For what, may I ask?"
"For that awesome letter you wrote me," she explained with a smile. She laughed a bit and swayed back and forth again, trying to calm herself down. "I really loved it, thank you."
It took a minute for Edd to realize what exactly was going on, but being the genius he was, once he got it…he really got it.
The letter meant for Nazz, he must have put it in the wrong locker. Kevin had said 217 and he was sure that was the number he had slipped it into. So why was Marie Kanker of all people here, thanking him for it?
"Uh, well, you see…" Edd didn't know what to do. If he explained that the letter was not intended for her she was sure to erupt into a fit of anger which would surely leave him bruised and broken. But on the other hand he couldn't very well say the letter was for her when it truly wasn't.
…Even if she was being rather sweet and even if her pink freckled cheeks made her look kind of cute.
Wait? Where did that come from? Did Edd just think Marie Kanker was cute?
He stared at her perplexedly and after Marie couldn't take the silence anymore she drawled on a bit more about her favorite parts of the letter, how even though some of the words were hard to understand she got the over-all message and that even though he didn't sign it…
"I knew it was you, so I did like you asked," she clarified, "I came to see you."
Edd was at a crossroads, unsure of his next move, and both of them would surely leave him badly broken at the end.
…He should have known this wasn't going to turn out right!