You know what irritates me? Songfics. No offense to those of you who write them, I have nothing against you, as a person. It's just...a songfic takes what could be a very good fanfiction and destroys it by inserting song lyrics into it. For me, at least, it takes me out of the story and ruins it for me. No offense, again. Anyways, this is my mock songfic. I heard this song again just a couple of days ago, and thought "Hey, why not make a ridiculous songfic out of this?" So that's what I did. Enjoy! The song is Ohmygodimonfire by Logan Whitehurst.

See him running from the porch

Like some kind of human torch

Merlin was sitting in Gaius' chambers one day, just talking to Gaius as the physician prepared something smelly and medicinal looking over a flame, when it happened.

"Merlin," said Gaius suddenly

"Hmmm?" Merlin responded (not really a response, but at least he acknowledged that Gaius was speaking to him)

"Your sleeve is on fire," Merlin looked at his sleeve and saw that it was, indeed, on fire. He stared at it in shock for a moment before his mouth opened and he screamed. He stood up, knocking his chair over, and ran for the door, screaming like a crazy person. He ran through the castle, and then outside, still screaming.

Orange tendrils everywhere

He ran through the courtyard, flames dancing all over him, frightened bystanders running for cover. The bright flames licked his skin and shot through the air like, well, like flames.

Acrid stench of burning hair

The people in the market smelled him before they saw him. Nobody was quite sure why the insane screaming hadn't alerted them to the warlock running in their direction, but nobody really questioned it. People screamed a lot in Camelot, and no one ever seemed to notice.

"What's that smell?" someone asked

"Hell if I know," said somebody else

"Smells like something's burning," another person said

"Well, whatever it is, it's disgusting," said the first person. At that moment, Merlin ran into the marketplace, screaming his head off.

Flailing like a drowning bird

In the dirt he scrawls this word

Merlin fell to the ground, frantically clawing at his flaming clothing.

"Who's that?" said one of the villagers, all of whom were standing around just watching, not even screaming or trying to put him out.

"Hell if I know," said another, the same person, incidentally, who had said the very same answer when asked what that smell was.

"Isn't that Merlin?" said a rather observant townsperson

"Is it?" inquired yet another

"Isn't a Merlin a type of bird?" asked one peasant, who was normally rather antisocial, an avid birdwatcher who had just stopped in the market to buy some bird feed.

"Shut up" said a shop owner, "He's doing something" Merlin, at that moment, was scrawling something in the ground with his finger. Why he couldn't just say it is a mystery, but he must have had a perfectly legitimate reason. This being...whatever time period it was, and the crowd being peasants, nobody could actually read what he was writing. Gwen, however, who was inexplicably able to read perfectly, chose that moment to step out of her home, and read the word out loud,


The crowd, however, had no idea what Guinevere had just spelled out, so they continued to watch Merlin burn with some sort of sick fascination. Perhaps this came from watching their king burn sorcerers just about every other day.

Burning right from head to shoe

Stop:ping, dropping, rolling too

Merlin stood up and started running again, his entire body engulfed in flame, still screaming like a maniac. Then he realized that he was being incredibly stupid and stopped. He then fell to the ground and started to roll and flop, trying desperately to smother the flames.

"Why is he still on fire?" asked a villager. Just then, Gaius ran by, hands flailing above his head,

"Saucery!" he screamed. The villagers looked at each other in confusion

"What did he just say?"

"I think he meant 'sorcery'" a general murmur of understanding went through the crowd. Of course, everything could be explained by that one simple word.


Local news is on the scene

Gaius ran to Uther.

"My lord," he gasped, "Saucery!"

"NO!" shouted Uther, "Really?"

"Of course, you idiot, now lets go look at it," and the two of them ran off to go what the fireworks show. Except it wasn't fireworks. It was just Merlin on fire. Just in case you forgot that.

See the writing on the screen

"Move aside," Uther shouted, as a large crowd of people had amassed around Merlin, "I am your king and you will let me pass or I will execute you all for treason!" Of course, everyone moved. Merlin, in the meantime, had added quite a bit to his message. Together, Gaius and Uther read:


"What is the meaning of this, Gaius?" asked Uther.

"I believe, sire," the physician answered, "that it means that Merlin is on fire."


I can hear the neighbors say

"Never liked him anyway."

Morgana smirked happily as she watched from her window

As I watch on my TV

They sweep away his dusty plea

"Weirdest episode ever," says Emachinescat to Kitty O, handing her the bucket of popcorn

"Tell me about it," say Poisoning-pigeons-in-the-park (no hyphens) and Vegetables-will-have-their-revenge (also with no hyphens) simultaneously, as they watch someone finally dump a bucket of water on Merlin, putting out the fire and leaving the extremely shmexy warlock mysteriously only slightly singed, and some helpful villagers brush away the message in the dirt. Autumne255 grumbles from the corner, where she has been put for saying that she actually kind of likes Uther. As the ending credits roll, the message flashes one more time across the screen:


There ya go, my mockfic. Featuring several of my favorite authors on here. And me. Hope you liked it! Read, review etc. If you liked it, tell your friends; if you didn't like it, just, shut up, m'kay?