All around me are familiar faces,
Worn out places,
Worn out faces.
Bright and early for their daily races,
"Please don't…" Alfred sobs. "I'm sorry… Don't let yourself go…" Tears stream down his cheeks, though his face remains blank. His eyes are empty. Why now? Why did it take this much for them to notice me? I don't want to believe it.
The tears are filling up their glasses,
Hide my head,
I want to drown my sorrow,
"Why though…?" I manage to breath. I can still hear the hospital monitors beeping. I hate it. I want the beeping to stop. I want it all to be over. No one cares about me, so why should I stay around? I'm just a useless country. Even my brother…
"Please Mattie… Don't die like this… I won't be able to live without you around…"
"You've done fine so far. If you never see me to begin with, why should my disappearance make a difference? I'm just a waste of space. That's something you have to understand now, Al." I don't care anymore what he says. I should just die. It would end the burden on everybody.
And I find it kind of funny,
I find it kind of sad,
The dreams in which I'm dying,
Are the best I've ever had.
I find it hard to tell you,
I find it hard to take,
When people run in circles it's a very very…
Mad world… Mad world…
His eyes glare at me. I blink innocently, and then softly smile.
"Don't make such mean faces, Al… It'll make me upset…"
"Mattie, why did you do this…!"
I look down to his hands which are wrapped around my left one. The scars across my wrists seem even more swollen for some reason, though I've left them alone for quite some time. How did I get into this hospital again? Was it when I fell? No… that was quite some time ago… Now I remember! It was the overdose! The medicine I have for my fake insomnia! That's why I bought it… The back of the bottle was right.
'Pills are highly effective. Do not intake more than dosage amount without consulting a physician. Misuse can result in memory loss, insomnia's increase, or…'
"Death," I say. "It told me to do it."
Children waiting for the day they feel good,
And to feel the way that every child should,
Sit and listen,
Sit and listen.
Went to school and I was very nervous,
No one knew me,
No one knew me.
Hello teacher, tell me, what's my lesson?
Look right through me,
Look right through me.
"Death!" Al exclaims. "What kind of bullshit answer is that…! Mattie! You're going to kill yourself because you think you should! What about others? We care about yo-!"
"Then why... Does no one remember? Anything? I'm forgotten. At all the meetings, my turn is skipped. Arthur has forgotten me… Francis… And I thought even you…"
"You're my brother… How could you do this to yourself…!" His tears start streaming even more now. His face is tense, and his eyes are filled with melancholy. He did forget.
"You forgot yesterday... My birthday was forgotten by everyone…" That did strike him. His eyes widen right as I finish my sentence. "Even teacher forgot… Everyone… That was the final straw. That's why I did it. If I can't age and die… I might as well end it sooner…"
I can still imagine it. The feeling rushing to my head as I take the medicine. The floor getting closer to my face without any feeling of falling. The sharp pain of my glasses as the crack in my face. I thought I had finally accomplished it. But Al found me soon afterwards. Why had he been at my house? I still didn't know.
"Don't try to remember me after this Al… It won't do any g—."
"Don't let this happen… I'm sorry Mattie! I'm sorry! I—" His voice is becoming too quiet for me to hear. But he seems to be screaming. I close my eyes for a second to clear my thoughts momentarily. But as I try to open them, my lids are too heavy.
'It's over…' I think to myself. 'Thank you, Al... For when you did notice me… I'll miss you… I hope you won't have the same thing happen to you… Ever.'
"You know, Al…? I find it kind of funny… I find it kind of sad… The dreams in which I'm dying, are the best I've ever had."
"No… Mattie…" I can hear the beeping from the monitor slowing. My heart's music is dying now.
"I find it hard to tell you… I find it hard to take…"
"Mattie…!" He hugs me close, his tears soaking my lifeless shoulder. "I love you Mattie… Don't go…"
"When people run in circles… it's a very very…"