Smile! You're on Candid Camera

Walker jumped as the door to Togusa's van was thrown open and Erika climbed in, looking nearly frantic with excitement.

"Kyaaaa~! Yumacchi, look what I just bought!" Erika held up what looked like a doujinshi, waving it around.

"Ne, Karisawa-san, I can't see—stop waving it around!" Walker leaned forward and snatched it out of her hand. He didn't bother to look at the cover, just flipped through its contents. It was BL, he noticed with a wince, and the two main character looked suspiciously like…

"…This—this is Shizuo-san and Izaya-san, isn't it!"

"Why yes it is, Yumacchi, brilliant deduction!"

"Where?" he demanded, turning the pages more slowly now. This… this was definitely not just BL. This was hardcore uncensored porn.

"A local net friend," Erika replied innocently. "Who, like me, is utterly convinced that Shizu-chan and Izaya-san are madly in love~! I thoroughly outlined everything I wanted in a doujinshi, and she agreed to draw it for me! A tale of a passion so strong they mistook it for hate! Then, when Izaya-san almost loses his life in one of their fights, Shizu-chan realizes how empty his life would be without Izaya-san, and then the hot steamy sex ensues! With a nurse watching, no less!"

"This nurse looks like you," Walker said.

"Ahahaha~ That may have been a special request I made. I'd simply love to witness those two finally consummating their love for each other, as I'm sure you know~!"

Walker shook his head. "I'll never understand you fujoshi."

"Of course you won't, silly Yumacchi, you like girls." Erika patted his head. "Ne, what if they're already together and just fight each other in public so no one knows? I should start following them around! I bet they have really rough sex in alleys, ooh, if I caught that on film I'd make millions—"

Walker laughed and passed the doujinshi back to her. "Izaya'd find a way to torture you to insanity if Shizuo-san didn't crush you with a vending machine first. You should find a less murderous couple to peep at."

"Ne, but who could be as interesting as Shizu-chan and Izaya-san?" Erika said with a pout.

Walker shrugged. "Dunno. I've never thought about it, obviously, but I'm sure you can think of someone."

And, indeed, she could.

Izaya was the infamous informant of Shinjuku, and Shizu-chan was… well… Shizu-chan, but just as manga-like was the existence of Dollars, that elusive group of which she was a part, and the Yellow Scarves, whose former leader was the best friend of the leader of Dollars…

And those best friends, she thought to herself, happened to spend lots of time together. Not to mention they both seemed to have conveniently forgotten their supposed love interests…

Well, at least, Ryuugamine-kun didn't seem to blush around the glasses girl as much anymore, but Kida-kun had definitely broken up with Saki-san.

How could she have missed it before? They were so obvious. And Walker of all people had had to bring it to her attention!

Maybe he wasn't as straight as he claimed, Erika thought as she set up her spy cam. Ryuugamine-kun was at school right now, leaving her the perfect opportunity to break in (not like it was hard, the place wasn't the nicest) and find a place for the camera where it would be well hidden and still get a good view of the place. The apartment was the size of a shoebox, so she wasn't worried about being able to see everything, but Ryuugamine-kun hardly owned anything. There was nothing to hide it behind.

In the end she hid it inside the vent, tried to position it so the metal cover wouldn't be in the way of the view, wiped everything she'd touched with a towel to erase her fingerprints, and left.

This was going to be awesome.

Erika set up her laptop in the back of Togusa's van, leaning against the back door with it propped on her knees, ear buds pressed firmly in her ears to keep Togusa from getting suspicious. He was in the driver's seat, picking dirt out of his fingernails. Kadota and Walker weren't there yet, but she knew Walker was on his way.

Meanwhile, on her computer screen, Kida-kun and Ryuugamine-kun had just gotten back to Ryuugamine-kun's apartment. Thankfully, the girl with glasses wasn't with them.

"Mikado~!" Kida-kun said, tossing his bag on the floor by the computer desk. "Can't we play video games or something?"

"No," Ryuugamine-kun insisted. "Masaomi, I really need to do homework."

"But that's boring."

Ryuugmine-kun was already pulling textbooks out of his backpack. "I know you have work too. Come on, Masaomi, you didn't re-enroll just to slack off and not pass, right?"

That seemed to hit home, because Kida-kun sent Ryuugamine-kun a pout and collapsed onto the futon. "Fine, fine, I'll do homework. But! I demand something in return afterward."

Ooh, a reward, Erika thought delightedly. Sex is definitely a good motivator, Ryuugamine-kun…

"I'll take you for ice cream, how's that?"

Erika's face fell. Ice cream? Well, maybe they'd bring it back and cover each other with it and then lick it off…

"I can get ice cream any time," Kida said. "Be creative, Mikado~! Think of something that'll get me so excited I won't complain all through my math homework!"

"And history," Ryuugamine said, looking through Kida's bag at the books he'd brought home. "And English… and biology…"

"All the more reason for you to think of something brilliant~ ne?"

Ryuugamine sighed and pulled Kida's bag onto the futon. "What do you want to do?"

"Hm… what fun things can Mikado and I do, all alone in his apartment…" Kida tapped his chin. "I'll give you three guesses~!"

"M-Masaomi…" Ryuugamine mumbled, blushing.

"Kyaaa," Erika said quietly, bringing her knees to her chest and the screen closer to her face.

"Go on~ What's your first guess?"

"W-well…" Ryuugamine's voice dropped, and Erika had to strain to hear. "We… could—"

The back door of the van banged open, and Walker hopped in, brandishing an issue Dengeki Bunko in her face. "Karisawa-san! The new issue!"

"Shhh!" She checked the screen, looking intently at the boys, but Kida was just laughing, Ryuugamine blushing furiously.

"All right, all right, if you promise, I'll do all my homework, ne?"


"Aggh! Yumacchi, I'm going to kill you!"

"Eh? Why?" Walker settled next to her, peeking over at her screen. "…Eh? Karisawa-san! This is a new level of creepy, even for you!"

Togusa turned to look at them with interest. "What'd she do now?"

"She put a camera in Ryuugamine-kun's apartment!"

"Will you guys please be quiet! I already missed what Ryuugamine-kun promised to do if Kida-kun did his homework, and it was no doubt something perverted!"

Walker and Togusa blinked at her.

"Wow, it sounds like a bad BL manga," Walker said, scratching his head.

Erika stuck her tongue out at him and went back to the computer.

"…Hey, Karisawa-san."


"…Can I watch too?"

"Ehhh? Yumacchiiiiiii~!" Erika yanked the ear buds out, eyes sparkling. "Why didn't you tell me before? We could've been bonding over pretty men and BL for years!"

"Th-that's not why I asked!" Walker flushed. "I just—I mean, I just want to see if you're right, that's all."

Erika grinned slyly at him. "Sure, Yumacchi, if that's your story. Here, we'll share my headphones."

Walker took the proffered ear bud, and they both watched the monitor intently.

"…Karisawa-san, they're just doing homework," Walker said, sounding disappointed.

"Well, yes, but like I said, Ryuugamine-kun promised sexual favors if Kida-kun did all his homework!" Erika paused. "At least, I think he did. I missed what he said because you burst in here like a maniac and I couldn't hear!"

"You burst in like a maniac everywhere you go," Walker grumbled. "Shush, Karisawa-san, I can't hear."

She elbowed him.

"Well," Walker said, "looks like he didn't promise sexual favors."

Erika flailed her arms, accidently hitting Walker in the head. "But Ryuugamine-kun was blushing! He looked super embarrassed!"

"Maybe he's really bad at poker?" Walker reasoned. "Knew he'd lose or something?"

"That's stupid."

"Don't be mean just 'cause you're mad you were wrong."

Erika's lower lip jutted out. "Jerk."

"Shouldn't we stop watching now?"

"But…" Erika sighed. "I guess. Geez, Yumacchi, this is all your fault. I'm just gonna stick to Shizu-chan and Izaya-san, I know they have sexual tension."

She was about to close out of the program when Kida-kun took his sweatshirt off.


"Ne, Mikado~!" Kida said, grinning. "You're too good at this game! I think you try so hard because you can't wait to get me out of my clothes~"

"Th-that's—" Ryuugamine looked away, instead gathering the cards and passing them to Kida. "D-deal."

"Your wish, my command, emperor of my heart."

Walker snickered.

"Don't laugh, that's so cuuuuute~! I told you they were in love~!"

"Yeah, yeah, quiet."

Erika looked back at the screen. It seemed another round had passed, won by Kida this time, as Ryuugamine was slowly unbuttoning his uniform shirt. Kida grinned when it was discarded.

"Mikado~ you have the loveliest flesh ever beholden by mortal eyes!"

Ryuugamine frowned. "Don't use your lame pick-up lines on me, Masaomi."

"I can't believe you'd accuse me of such a thing! I would only pay you the most sincere of compliments, Mikado."

"Whatever you say." Ryuugamine swept the cards toward him, shuffled, and dealt them.

"Ah~" Kida held the back of his hand to his forehead. "Oh no~"

"Masaomi, this is why you always lose," Ryuugamine said, picking up a card and discarding. "You have no poker face."

"And yet yours is an impenetrable mask. That is, until I turn it into a mask of pleasure." He grinned, tapped Ryuugamine's nose. "I bet my socks I have a better hand than you~"

"You already said you had a bad hand," Ryuugamine said, "so I'll match that."

"Then I'll raise you a pair of pants."

Ryuugamine hesitated. "I'll meet your pants and raise you my…" He looked down at himself. "Um."

"Say it~" Kida said, leaning closer. "Your underpaaants~!"

"F-fine," Ryuugamine stuttered. "My pants and my boxers."

Kida grinned and showed his hand. "Royal flush~!"


"Haha! I guess my poker face is better than you thought, ne, Mi~ka~do?"

Ryuugamine blinked. "But… but you… were you just acting like you were awful all the times we've played this, waiting for a hand like that?"

Kida grinned. "Maybe~"

Erika heard something like "scam artist" as Ryuugamine-kun removed his socks, then shimmied out of his jeans. He hesitated over his boxers.

"Ne, Mikado, don't be shy, it's not like I haven't seen you naked before."

Erika squealed.

Ryuugamine slid his boxers down his hips, standing and kicking them the rest of the way off, then sitting back down, legs crossed.

"Looks like I win~! Seeing as you no longer have anything left to remove." Kida looked down at himself. "Ah, but I'm still all covered up~ Something must be done, ne?"

"Masaomi," Ryuugamine groaned, cheeks flushing.

"Mikado is so easily embarrassed. It's just us, you know~" Kida scooted closer to Ryuugamine, kissed him gently on the lips. "There's nothing embarrassing about expressing our love, ne~?"

Ryuugamine buried his head in Kida's neck, mumbled something Erika couldn't make out. Kida laughed delightedly.

"Waaaah, I wish I could've heard!"

"Karisawa-san, maybe we should stop watching, they're… I mean, they're really going to—"

"Well, you can stop, but I'm not turning it off when it's just getting juicy!"

"This is kind of really intrusive, not to mention illegal."

"Yumacchi, since when do any of us care about doing illegal things?"

"What are you doing that's illegal?" Kadota asked, opening the passenger door.

"Karisawa installed a camera in that Ryuugamine kid's apartment," Togusa explained. "I guess she wants to catch him and Kida-kun getting it on."

Kadota blinked. "Are they…?"

"Yes!" Erika said. "They've spent the last twenty minutes playing strip poker, and now…" She checked the screen. "Now Kida-kun is divesting himself of his remaining clothing. Oooh, I'm so excited~!"

"Karisawa, that's kind of disgusting. Turn it off."

"No! It's just getting good!"

Walker coughed. "…P-please don't make her turn it off."

"See! This is so hot even Yumacchi's enjoying it, and he's straight, or so he claims!"

"Karisawa-san. Watch."

Erika looked back at the screen, where Kida had positioned himself in Ryuugamine's lap and was kissing his way down the boy's neck, while Ryuugamine bit his lip, trying to keep quiet.

"Mikado," Kida whined, "you know I love hearing that sexy voice of yours~!"

"Even so," Ryuugamine said, wiggling uncomfortably, "you know I'm…"

"Loud? Ah, but that's my favorite part~!"

"But the whole building can hear."

"Let them!" Kida pushed Ryuugamine down onto his back and straddled him. "Right now there's nobody else in the world, okay? Just focus on me and how good I'm making you feel."

"This really is like a yaoi anime."

"Shut up, Yumacchi!"

"Ryuugamine's totally the uke."

"Obviously. He's shorter. And Ryuugamine-kun has that super cute baby face. And he's from the country and all, while Kida-kun is the experienced city boy~ Gah, they're so perfect!"

Kida was kissing his way down Ryuugamine's chest, pausing to swirl his tongue around a dark nipple. Ryuugamine gasped, tangling his fingers in Kida's dyed blonde hair.

"Wow," Erika said under her breath. "Ryuugamine-kun makes really cute faces."

Walker spluttered. "Karisawa-san!"

"What? It's true!"

"Don't point stuff out like that!"

"Don't be a prude, Yumacchi."

"Masaomi," Ryuugamine was saying. "D-don't… can we just…" Ryuugamine sat up, pressed their lips together briefly. "I… I really want you inside me."

"Kyaaaaaaa! Yumacchi, tell me I'm not dreaming! Did that really just happen? Cuuuuuute! Ryuugamine-kun can say such naughty things and make them seem so romantic~!" She sighed happily.

Kida seemed to be thinking along the same lines as Erika; he threw his arms in the air and fell backward onto the futon, wiggling around excitedly. "Mikadooooo~! When you say things like that I think you're going to paralyze me with just how incredibly cute you are!"

"M-Masaomi," Ryuugamine muttered, covering his face with his hands.

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry~" Kida sat up again, then leaned over Ryuugamine and kissed him on the forehead. "I'll try not to say anything else too embarrassing, ne~? Lube, lube, condoms and lube~"

Ryuugamine pushed up onto his elbows, watching as Kida hopped up and ran to the kitchen.

"He's totally looking at his ass," Erika said delightedly.

Kida returned a few moments later, a bottle of lube in one hand and a condom in the other. He settled back onto the futon, putting the items aside for the moment, and bent over Ryuugamine again, leaning in for another kiss. Ryuugamine made a pleased sound and wound his arms around Kida's shoulders. The broke apart, both moaning, a moment later; Erika could see that their erections were brushing each other and squirmed, suddenly uncomfortable. She looked discreetly at the front of Walker's pants and saw he was in the same predicament.

Well, that was an unexpected development, but nonetheless a thoroughly exciting one. Maybe if she could get him all hot and bothered from watching porn sometime when they were alone… She shook herself mentally and went back to the video. Not the time for that.

"That's my cue to get started, I think," Kida was saying, pushing himself up so he was sitting in seiza between Ryuugamine's legs. "Ne, Mikado, hand me the stuff, please?" Mikado reached over to grab the lube and condom packet, then handed them to Kida. "Thank you, love muffin."

"You sound like Kishitani-sensei," Ryuugamine murmured.

"Ne, Mikado, what do you mean? Has he been trying to steal you away from me?" Kida squeezed some of the lube onto his fingers. "That fiend! I'll do whatever it takes to uphold your honor, Mikado~! No old perverted doctor will ruin our love!"

"I just meant that's something he'd say to Celty-san. 'Love muffin.'"

"Do you think so? I'll have to be more creative, then~" Kida's clean hand spread Ryuugamine's legs wider, prodding at the tight entrance with the fingers of his other hand.

"Nngh—" Ryuugamine lifted his hips, pushing against Kida's fingers.

"Someone's enthusiastic today! Patience, Mikado~ You know you like it better when I go slow, ne?"

"Usually," Ryuugamine murmured. "But today—please, I…"

Kida smiled. "Okay, okay. But if it hurts afterward—"

"It's my fault, I know." He returned the smile gratefully. "Thank you."

"No need to thank me~ It's my duty and my pleasure to give you whatever your heart desires~ Not to mention your body." Kida winked. "Brace yourself, my sweet strawberry danish~"

"That's enough with the pet names, Masa—oh."

"That's Masaomi, Mikado, but I'll forgive you because I think it's my fault you've been reduced to incoherency."

Ryuugamine gurgled.

"Yep, entirely my fault." Kida grinned broadly. "Feels good, Mikado?"


"So enthusiastic~ I love that about you, you know. One of many, many things~" Another finger entered, alternating between stretching apart and thrusting lazily in and out until Ryuugamine was a shuddering mass of raw need.

Apparently having decided Ryuugamine was thoroughly prepared, Kida tore open the condom packet and rolled it onto his length, then covered it with the lube. "Ready, apple crisp?"

Ryuugamine glared at him.

"I'll take that as a yes, then~" Kida said, scooting forward. He positioned Ryuugamine's legs so that they hung loosely around his waist, leaned forward so his hands were on either side of Ryuugamine's torso. Balancing himself on one arm, he reached down to guide himself slowly inside.

The side of Walker's head was pressed against Erika's now, and both of them were leaning intently forward, eyes wide as they watched the scene.


"What, Yumacchi?"

"Does this make me gay?"

"…Do you still like to look at my chest?"

Walker glanced. "Yes."

"Then no. Could be bi, though. Maybe you can ask Dotachiin to experiment with you. Now shut up and keep watching."

"Stop calling me that, Karisawa. …Wait, what?"

"Nothing, Dotachiin, you didn't hear anything!"

Kida's and Ryuugamine's cries were growing in volume, and Kida was thrusting almost frantically. Their bodies were flush against each other, Kida's face buried in Ryuugamine's neck. Ryuugamine was scrabbling at Kida's back, leaving long red scratches with his fingernails. She couldn't see Kida's face now, but Ryuugamine's was contorted in pleasure.

It was really hot, but besides that, it was… it was like a picture perfect yaoi manga brought to life right in front of her! The way they held each other~ The way they called each other's names over and over again~ It was all just so beautiful! She watched, fascinated, as Kida jerked, groaned, and went a bit limp; he pushed himself up, and she saw that Ryuugamine's stomach was splattered with white fluid.

"Dear God," Walker murmured beside her.

"Ne, Yumacchi, aren't you glad I did this?"

"Mikado~ What do you say we take a shower and make another mess, ne?" Kida grinned and jumped up, holding his hand out to Ryuugamine.

Walker rubbed his temples. "C-can you put another camera in the shower?"