Disclaimer: I don't own Transformers!

Please R&R!

(Crack! I forgot about this story... again (everything else is still in the works by the way)... and was suddenly inspired to do a little Ratchet torturing so here it is. Hope you enjoy!)


Racing down the corridor as if his aft was on fire, Jazz quickly sifted through the mechs he could alert to the Toaster-bots' plight. He passed a startled looking Mirage who was helping a newly patched up Hound towards the rec-room as he skidded around the corner towards his destination.

Jazz burst into the command room startling Optimus and Ironhide who were discussing improvements that could be made to the shooting range. In his surprise at the sudden appearance of the panicked looking TIC, Ironhide's cannons activated.

With a startled yelp Jazz hit the floor as a cannon blast rocketed over head blasting a new hole in an already patched area right beside the identification panel. Optimus groaned rubbing his optics as Ironhide sheepishly offered an apology. "No new improvements to the shooting range Ironhide" Optimus said shaking his helm as Jazz looked up from where he had flung himself at the floor, looking mildly peeved. "That budget is going into fixing the wall… again."

"What is it with people shooting at or tying me up today?" Jazz whined picking himself up off the floor as Blaster and Smokescreen giggled from their posts.

"My apologies Jazz" Optimus said as Ironhide went into a sulk, rereading over Optimus' orders on the data-pad "What seems to be the problem?"

"Femmes" Jazz huffed placing his servos on his hips "Your femmes have been plotting to kidnap my Toaster bondmate since they were informed of the change. I was running, I crashed into Megatron, the femmes threw a hissy fit at the Decepticons and then I got tied up as Elita and Chromia stole the toaster-bots!"

Optimus' optics brightened in amusement "Oh, it'll be fine" he said flicking his servo as if to shake off any Jazz's concern "Elita may have an unhealthy obsession with cute things but she would never willingly hurt one"

"That's not the point!" Jazz wailed wind milling his arms in distress "My toaster Prowl was stolen!"

Optimus laughed aloud while Ironhide was still grumbling about sneaky saboteurs ruining his chances of getting a new shooting range.

"They'll be fine Jazz" Optimus reassured as Ironhide stalked from the room telling Grapple and Hoist over the comm. link that 'Yes, I know I should deactivate my cannons when I'm in the Command Room, stop nagging me about it... Yep, it's in the usual spot.' "The femme's will get bored of them eventually"

"But I want my Toaster Prowl now!" Jazz demanded stamping a pede like a spoiled child denied a bar of chocolate

Optimus grinned behind his mask as he sat in his chair "Jazz… are you jealous?"

"No!" Jazz said standing straighter crossing his arms over his chest "I just want Prowler"

"Denial!" Smokescreen sang on his way past their commander's chair, balancing a few data-pads in his arms to deliver to Red Alert's Security Room.

"Shut up Smokey" Jazz grumbled before getting back on track "Well? What are we going to do?"

Optimus sighed clasping his hands "Fine, I'll send Ratchet down"

-Ratchet's POV-

"What do you mean 'I'm the only one who can save them?'" the medic spluttered as he was called down to the command room.

"Well we can exactly send the Dinobots" Jazz retorted moodily from a spare chair, cleverly positioned so that he couldn't be hit with a wrench without the object hitting some of Teletraan's more delicate controls. Little Fragger. "They don't have the finesse for this mission"

"And I do?" Ratchet asked puzzled his murderous temper giving way to confusion and mild amusement.

"Apart from flinging wrenches at bots and knocking them out cold…yeah" Optimus nodded wearily

"Can't you just send in Ironhide?" the CMO almost whined "He's trigger happy and will be enough of a distraction"

"Involved with Chromia" Jazz pointed out blandly "He'll sooner shoot himself than take something 'cute and cuddly' from her that she wants"

"Mirage" Ratchet listed grasping at straws "He'd be in and out in two clicks"

"Still helping Hound regain the use of his legs and get over his new fear of femmes" Optimus sighed rubbing his optics.

"Wheeljack" The suggestion sounded desperate even to his own audios and earned him two sceptic looks from the CO and TIC.

"I'm just going to throw out the obvious answer and say, He'll only make it worse… somehow." Jazz snickered.

"So this is it then?" Ratchet said servos on hips a scowl on his faceplate "After all these vorns of faithful, if not temperamental repair service, you're sending me to get deactivated by femmes that will blow a gasket when they realise i'm there to steal back the Toaster-bots?"

Optimus and Jazz looked at each other before whipping out their data-pads "What colour of tomb stone would you like?"

-Wheeljack's Lab—

Wheeljack jumped as he swore he had heard Ratchet's enraged yell. He put down his screwdriver and looked about him in confusion. That couldn't be possible; Ratchet was nearly five floors above him on the command deck. The explosion prone enginner shrugged with a frown behind his facemask "You're getting old 'Jackie, you've started to hear things" he chuckled to himself going back to his project with renewed vigour, waiting for the Toaster-bots to be returned to his lab.

-Corridor D—

"I'm telling you, I'm not doing it!" Ratchet snarled clawing at the floor leaving furrows where his fingers were as he was dragged down the corridor, Optimus and Jazz tugging a pede each on their way to Femme Division's part of the ship.

"Do it for the Autobot cause then" Optimus grunted dragging the struggling weight of his CMO across the orange floor wincing at the audio splitting shrieks of his friends fingers made upon the metal. "I'll give you a bonus"

"Frag the Autobot cause and Slag your bonus" Ratchet hissed venomously "I don't even get paid! We're in a war frag it!"

"Aww, I think we made him mad OP" Jazz snickered, his amusement ending in a yelp as Ratchet managed to twist around and fling a wrench at his helm which collided with a satisfying clang.

"I know what I'm going to do to you the next time you're in my medbay" Ratchet suddenly purred ceasing his struggles and letting himself get towed, leaning his helm on a servo as his elbow joint was dragged across the floor "I'm going to leave your pain receptors on the entire time, I'm going to make sure you are awake, and then I'm going to get Wheeljack to explode something in your near vicinity and mail your parts to Hook on the Nemesis so HE can rebuild your ungrateful afts!"

"Memo to you to me" Optimus whispered over a comm. line as they reached Elita's door where femme giggling could be heard within. "Let's erase his memories after this whole fiasco is over."

"Will do Prime" Jazz shuddered as they tugged Ratchet up into standing, knocked on the door and fled in the opposite direction, leaving the moody CMO of the Autobots standing in resigned exasperation at the Femme Leader's door that slid open with an ominous hiss.