Kazoo is currently doing the Cha Cha atop the disclaimer and keeps snarling at me. So we'll just move on to…

A Warped ROMY or The Uses of a Remy or Did You Really Think You Were Gettin' Off That Easy for 'Cajun Spice'?

It wasn't unusual for odd noises to be heard at Mutant Manor. Screams of outrage, explosions, the odd, high pitched 'Ziem!' of an eye beam. Most of these were ignored and as common placed to the inhabitants as birds singing in the trees.

There is one sound, though, that when heard, causes every mutant's blood in the mansion to run cold.

A soft jingling of keys proceeded feather light footsteps before Kitty Pryde walked into the Rec Room.

"Hey, guys?"

Kurt's eyes remained on the TV, where the character's main purpose was killing sand Natzis. Ray and Roberto watched over his shoulder and laughed hysterically ever time the lame booby traps killed him.

They simultaneously grunted in reply.

"Have any of you seen Jean, Scott or anyone with a license? I need to practice my driving."

The Persian Prince in the game suddenly stood stock-still and was knocked back by a spiked pillar, head over heels. Spikes then came up from the ground he'd landed on, effectively killing him. None of the boys noticed, as they'd turned to finally look at Kitty with wide, fearful eyes.

"I see no one!" Ray cried, covering his eyes.

"I hear nothing!" Roberto covered his ears.

"I say nothing!" Kurt covered his mouth after yelling this.

Kitty looked at them strangely before slowly backing out of the room. Once she was gone, Ray grabbed for the game control.

"My turn!"

"I hope you die painfully," Roberto muttered, sulking at missing his turn.

Kitty wandered through the mansion, asking everyone she saw if they'd seen Scott, Jean, Logan, or anyone at least eighteen. Everyone reacted very oddly and all claimed they'd hadn't seen them. Except Tabby. She just smiled and shook her head.

"Do you know something I don't?" Kitty asked.

Tabby opened her mouth to answer but, Jubilee threw a spark at her, temporarily blinding both girls. While they were busy rubbing their eyes, Logan came from around the corner and dragged Tabby off, holding a hand over her mouth. When Kitty recovered enough to see, she only saw Jubilee smiling innocently.

"Where'd Tabby go?"

"I don't know anything!"

"Um...all right then."

Rogue slipped her glove back on as Tabitha lay unconscious at her feet. She glanced up at the looks Xavier, Hank, and Ororo were giving her. Scott, Jean, and Logan looked relieved, on the other hand.

"What? She was getting loud."

"Yes, Rogue, but," the Xavier started, "next time, allow either myself or Jean to handle her. Nice reflexes, though."


"This is ridiculous," Ororo started. "We can't all hide in my greenhouse forever."

"Then you take her drivin'," Logan said.

"Are you insane? I just said we can't stay here forever. I never said anything about suicide by Kitty!"

"She is right though," Hanks said. "We have a limited food and water supply and it's only a matter of time before she looks here. Any suggestions?"

"I think Scott should go," Jean volunteered.

"What? I went last time, and I'm still having nightmares. Which you also volunteered me for that time too."

"But Scott, as the leader -"

"I'm not the leader. Technically, the professor is, then Logan, Storm, then me. I'm basically a kid, really. Are all of you, as adults, going to allow this kind of traumatic abuse to one of your students?"

The teachers didn't even blink when they answered.


"You are nineteen, after all, Scott," Rogue said. "You should show an example to them of how they should act."

"Screw that! If it comes down to it, every man for himself."

"Professor, I got your back if you got mine," Rogue sent to him.

"Oh, I got you."

"You two know I can hear you?" Jean interrupted. "Just count me in."

"Of course."

"You two are mentally plotting, aren't you?" Scott asked.

"No," Jean said. "We three."

A motorcycle was heard coming through the front gate, and everyone moved to the window. Way down below, the rider removed his helmet before he got off and looked up at the mansion. Rogue gasped, and everyone's attention went to her.

"Gee, I wonder why he's here." Jean smiled.

"He certainly is getting bolder with his attempts to see Rogue. Usually, at the very least, he'll wait until night. And not drive a Harley," Ororo commented.

"He's a dead man," Logan growled.

"No, wait!" Rogue cried. "I gotta idea. Listen."

Rogue explained her plan that would get them out of the attic greenroom, satisfy Logan's sadistic streak, and keep Remy relatively alive...maybe. Everyone could only stare in shocked awe at the cruelty, but no one was about to shoot it down.

"You know, Rogue, it's times like these when I'm grateful to Mystique for warping your mind," Scott said, mildly impressed at her depravity.

Rogue only smiled.

Although, it was a decidedly, evil one.

Somewhere, Mystique felt a moment of motherly pride.

Remy Lebeau coolly kicked down his kick stand and slid off…coolly. Because that's just one of the ways Remy Lebeau does things. Pay close attention; you might learn some of the others.

He had no helmet because there was no possible chance of Remy Lebeau doing something to unstylish as to wreck and merely adjusted the shades he wore. He strolled casually – notice synonym of 'coolly' – up the stairs to the door. Before he could touch the door bell,


That Nightcrawler-fool poofed next to him, grabbed his arm,


And next thing he knew, he's surrounded by flowers. And a few trees. And hey, Rogue-chere's here! He hadn't been expected the sudden scene change and disregarded what they were all doing in a green house. Like he was going to let it throw him for a loop when there was his Southern belle to charm! He smoothly shrugged of Nightcrawler-fool's hand.

"Bonjour, ma belle chere," he smirked and winked at her. Coolly.

Rogue-chere smiled a little and ducked her head, her hair hiding her face. Remy ignored the soft, threatening growl coming from Wolvie.

"Mr. Lebeau."

Remy tilted his head to the voice of the Bald One, but kept his eyes on Rogue-chere and the Wolvie standing right beside her and Stormy standing next to him who kind of looked like she was holding him back.

"The name is Remy, professor, or Gambit. Except for Rogue. She can call me whatever she want."

She crossed her arms under her chest and said in a haughty tone,

"Swamp Rat."

"Music to my ears, mon River Rat."

Wolvie growled louder, and Stormy wrapped another hand around his arm. Whatever that was about.

"Remy," the Bald One said, and he tore his attention away from Rogue. "What brings you here today so early in the day?"

What usually brought him here in the middle of the night and dark hours of the morning?

He heard Rogue's boots as she walked toward him and a sort of a struggle from where Wolvie and Stormy were behind him. That fell to the back of his mind as Rogue brushed past him, a certain sway in her step, and went to stand by the professor. She smiled at him, and he completely missed Red and Slim and Big Blue and Nightcrawler-fool standing off to the side, watching in an amalgam of shock and awe and a little bit of fear.

Remy arched a brow nonchalantly and said,

"Now, professor, let's not be coy. We both know that you know why I'm here. Don't need no mind woodoo for that. So just say yes, and you won't have to worry about Stormy's flowers gettin' trampled every time Monsieur Wolvie tries to run me down, se vie?"

"Don't call me Stormy!" Stormy snapped at him.

He merely shrugged helplessly.

"You wish to join the X Men then?" the Bald One clarified.

"Eh, that works too."

"I see. Although I would like nothing better than to welcome you to the team, Remy, I am a bit doubtful of your trustworthiness and bravery. You have to be very brave to be an X Man, you know. There are a lot of dangerous missions we have to go on."

"We?" everyone else chorused.

"Apocalypse. I am disabled and no longer required to be there for anything else ever if I was there for the Apocalypse."

No one mentioned that the most he did was beat the crap out of them, with his disabled self.

Remy barely heard them as he was too busy watching Rogue watch him. Her eyes wandered over his body and eventually back to his eyes, down to his mouth while she bit her lip. She kept giving him suggestive smiles and flirtatious looks while the Bald One droned on and on. By the end of it, when he asked Remy if he would be willing to take on this mission – that he'd been telling him about for the past three minutes or so – in order to join the X Men, he had to ask twice.



"Do you find these arrangements acceptable?"

Rogue blew him a kiss, and he heard the distinctive sounds of gasping and metal being unsheathed.


Down in New Orleans, Jean-Luc Lebeau shuddered. A prince had fallen.

"Wonderful! Welcome to the team, Remy. Kurt, if you could go ahead and escort him to his first mission," the Bald One went on.

"Wait, what?" Remy questioned…calmly.

"Don't worry, sugar," Rogue-chere said as she offered him her hand. "I'll explain it for ya."

And if Rogue-chere said it, it was okay. He took her hand and smiled at her in a tender way that caused Wolvie's growls to ease a more confused, questioning tone. Remy didn't even notice Nightcrawler-fool touch his shoulder – Jean-Luc's heart jumped in his chest a little – or when he


Poofed them right in front of Kitty before backing off a safe distance.

"Rogue, like, there you are! I've been looking everywhere for you."

"Obviously not," Rogue-chere muttered. "We'll start with the driving thing in a minute, Kit, hold on."

"Miss me, Cherie?"

"I saw you yesterday. Or this morning, I don't know."

"What's Gambit doing here?" Kitty asked.

"He joined up. He's twenty by the way."


Remy sent his almost-sorta-girlfriend if it was a good day a confused look. What did his age have to do with anything? It's not like she was underage, unless there was something she wasn't telling him.


"Remember when the professor was talking to you about your mission."


"Well, this," she gestured to Kitty, "is it."


"You have to teach Kitty how to drive in order to an official part of the X Men."

"Hey! I know how to drive. I just need so many hours on the road in order to get my liscense."

Both ignored her while they had their sometimes-are-sometimes-ain't lover's quarrel.

"Seriously? When did he say that?"

"When you were ogling me."

"I wasn't ogling you, you were ogling me."

"You started it."

"I didn't this time, you did."

"No, you –"

"Is he taking me driving or not?" Kitty interrupted in a half-whining tone.

"Look, Chaton, I'm not –"

Rogue grabbed his coat and jerked him down to her level. Before he knew what she was doing, Rogue had kissed his lips and pulled back. He stood stunned…yet coolly.

"Would you do this for me, Rems?"

"Of course, Rogue-chere. As long as you do something for Remy when he get back."

"If you get back," Kurt murmured.

"We'll see," Rogue said as she backed up and let his coat go. "Don't forget to wear your seat belt."

"Let's go then!" Kitty said, snagging Remy's arm before he had a chance to say something smooth.

In order to move the process along, Kurt 'poofed' them to the garage and himself back to the mansion. Rogue had seated herself on the steps outside the mansion as the other eighteen and older crowd stepped outside.

Within moments, the roar of the X van being gunned sounded through the grounds, and it came barreling out of the garage. The closed garage. Apparently, Kitty forgot to open the doors – again – but hey, she can phase stuff through stuff. No problem. The X van made a tight turn towards the gate before Kitty must have put the pedal to the metal, and it shot forward like Cannonball through the fence – that was also closed.

"That boy is infatuated with you," Ororo remarked.

"I know."

"You are a cruel woman, Rogue," Hank stated.

"I know."

"You did good, Stripes."

"Thank you."

"No, thank you," he insisted.

"As much as I appreciate what you just did," Scott said, "but don't you think that was a bit much?"

Rogue shrugged.

"We do what we have to."

She couldn't help but smirk a little.

A/N: I do believe this qualifies as crack.

And I have to go back to school tomorrow (sobs inconsolably) WHY? PLEASE NO!

Oh, and did anyone happen to catch the quote from Cajun Spice.