Chapter 7: Jesus vs the Jew: I'm not Racist but Haters Gonna Hate...
For those of you who are just tuning in, Jesus is pronounced Hey-sues. It's Mexican... yes, not Spanish but Mexican. Shit, I been smoking too much... peace out readers...
Meanwhile, back from the last chapter, we're gonna have the duel of the year! Well, cuz Fumo only uploads about one chapter like every couple holidays...
But here it is! Midget nerd Mokubo, survivor from being kicked out from the previous chapters after being lost in a Jew fanfic, vs Jesus, a wannabe Jesus that's a Mexican and club leader of the Anti-Satan Club.
All this takes place in a the little children's card game club room! On the right side behind Mokubo stands his so-call hater-homie Nobu, chibi Yuu-chan, and boobilicious Midori. Well, that's only when she turns into Mune-Midori...
On the left, we have Jesus and his entire clan of white pointy-hooded robe worshipers...
The stakes, Lupia cards. Each duelist ante ups their Lupia card which holds them the rights to coming the official main character. Winner takes all!
"This isnt even fair!" yelled Nobu. "Every duel has to have me in it! That's the fanfic formula for this fanfic. Fumo! Stop fucking up with fanfics!"
"Silence thou ungrateful heathen!" exclaimed the wannabe Father Jesus. "Thou will have thou chance when God summons it."
Mokubo goes first and cast Faerie Life to boost his mana.
"Hey, what kind of deck does Mokubo really use?" wonder Nobu. "It was never clarified in any of the previous episodes."
Then pops up stalker loli Yuu from the side of the screen with them big-o-eye lids saying, "I know what he uses, hehe."
"Yuu, let's not give away spoilers yet, kay?" defended Midori.
"Thou Jew can play whatever thou wants," said Mexican Jesus. "Thy summon the fortress, Saint Castle. Now all thy creatures get the blocker ability and +1000 power."
Mokubo's Jew star on his forehead began glowing as he's about to summon his first creature.
"Fine, I summon Kirino Giant. This, basically speaking, allows me to summon my giants for two mana less."
"Giants? Why play Giants?" asked Nobu. "You're a freakin midget."
Mokubo's Jew star then started shining even more and more and more and... he's a shining Jew...
"Theoretically speaking, if I win with a Giants deck, It's like being a hero using giant gundams," explained Mokubo. "I'll technically get some character development and finally get puberty to technically grow taller. Plus, Yuu-chan has gigantic eyeballs and they're so cute!"
"Wtf does that have to do with any about me starring the main character?" nagged Nobu while doing the quotation fingers. "Character development only happens to the main character which is aka, me. Main characters don't have Jew stars tattooed to their heads like Allen from D. Gray Man."
"Actually speaking, Allen Walker is the main character in D. Gray Man," complained Mokubo.
"If thou unholy kids are done wasting thy screen-time on this episode," butted in Sir Jesus. "Thy will now summon Carla, the Prophet. She now hath been given the blessing of the blocker ability."
"Technically speaking," Mokubo began. "This children's card game is suppose to has no relationship to any religion and_"
"Quiet sinner! Just hurry up and go."
Mokubo sign with anger as he drew his next card. "Once I win this duel and become the main character, I'll finally get some respect, hopefully speaking."
His Jew star started glowing again. "I use mana evolution and summon Ida, the great Enigma. I can now technically I attack your shields with two attackers."
The creature materialize from a magical Jew star that randomly appeared on the floor.
"Oh great," annoyed Nobu. "Now we got random Jew creatures popping outta random Jew portals?"
"In the name of God, thy block with Carla, the Prophet. May your soul reach Heaven... ahem."
Blocker dies and the fortified shield, Saint Castle, broken. Combo breaker!
"Kay, I think he's taking it too seriously," said Midori. "Children's card games don't go to heaven, kay?"
"Haha," laughed Nobu. "He's actually getting his ass beat by the midget."
"Fools! My prayers has been answered," claimed the preacher. "Thy cast shield trigger, Glory Snow. Since thou have more mana than thy, thy send two cards from my deck to the mana zone. Praise be to Heaven."
Jesus drew his next card and opened the gate to Heaven, literally.
"With the call from the Heaven thy cast Heaven's Gate to summon my angels. Syrius, the Firmament Elemental and Aldora, White Knight Spirit. The wrath of Heaven will now cleanse thou unholy soul."
Two massive Heavenly beings appeared from the ceiling of the club room all CGI-like. How they were able to fit inside is still a mystery...
"I take back what I said," said Nobu. "The Jew sucks..."
As Mokubo drew his card, that damn annoying Jew star started glowing again... yea, I know... again...
"Kay, does his glowing star thing always do that?" asked Midori.
But then number one spoiler, Yuu-chan, pops up again to give the answer cuz she always reads ahead and spoils everything with her giant googly eyeballs...
"Last chapter states how every time a new plot device comes, the Jew star starts glowing beyond control, hehe. Then it just goes back to normal, teehee."
"Lulz, so every time a new card is played, Jew boy starts glowing on and off?" laughed Nobu.
"Definitely speaking, and for the last time, dammit, I'm not Jewish!" yelled Mokubo. "I cast Leaf Storm Trap to send my Ida and your Aldora to the mana zone. That, technically speaking, gives me two extra mana to cast this, Seventh Tower. Since I, additionally speaking, have a total seven mana, the top three cards of my deck goes to mana zone."
"Be warned," warned the warning Mexican Jesus. "That doesn't prevent God's power to cast this! Thy play Planet Phystachio, Apocalypitc Dragonic Spirit. Thus let's thy summon the followers, Hyou, the Prophet and La Tayu, the Prophet from thy deck."
"More blockers?" annoyed Nobu. "Boo you suck!"
The shiny Jew star shined again as Mokubo drew his next card.
"Technically, your blockers aren't gonna matter once I play this, Takasuki Giant!"
Another Jew creature came out of a random Jew portal...
"That's right," confirmed Mokubo. "When Takasuki Giant is summoned, I can, strategically speaking, take two evolution creatures from my deck. I choose Bishamon, the Great Enigma and Shinra, the Great Expanse. Now I can, officially speaking, evolve my Takasuki Giant into Shinra, the Great Expanse!"
The giant Jew Giant turned into a bigger Jew...
"That's not all," continued the Jew kid. "When Shinra is summoned, all but one of our creatures is technically sent to the mana zone."
All the creatures dematerialized out of the room except Shinra, the Great Expanse and Syrius, Firmament Elemental
"Logically speaking, if you don't block, Shinra can now triple break your shields," said the Jew boy who thinks he's good shit cuz he happens to be winning at the moment...
"Syrius, block for the greater good," commanded the Mexican maestro. "May your soul rest in Heaven... ahem."
The Jew Giant crushed the Heavenly CGI-bot into molecular bits of molecules.
"The Heavens will now summon Perfect Galaxy, Spirit of Immortality," preached the preach master. "This angel will never die because of the divine powers of the holy field shield given by God himself!"
A purified embodiment of an angel descended from the ceiling and got ready to kick some Jew butt...
"Yea, metaphorically speaking, but not really because I'm gonna play this!" shouted Mokubo as the Jew star got all crazy again. "I mana evolve Bishamon, the Great Enigma. Bishamon, simply speaking, allows me to summon my giants for two mana less. Now I, ultimately speaking, ultimate evolutionize my Bishamon to Tornado Moon, the Enlightened!"
The Jew star on Jew ranger's forehead was shining like a super saiyan! New wind was blowing with some giant Jew star portal around Bishamon warping it into Tornado Moon, the Enlightened.
"Tactically speaking, I will attack first with Tornado Moon, the Enlightened!" Mokubo tacticalized. "Even if you block, Tornado Moon's ability, automatically speaking, will break two of your shields automatically."
"With the divine bless the holy spirit, I block with Perfect Galaxy, Spirit of Immortality!"
Two of Jesus's shields shatters breaking his holy field ability to protect his blocker for the next attack.
"This is thou punishment for thou sinful acts against the divine!" shouted non-white Jesus. "Thy cast shield trigger, DNA Spark! This give's thy back two shields and taps all thou giant sinners."
"Painfully speaking, shit..."
"Damn, Jew just got burned," commented Nobu. "Lol, get it."
"Now it's time for a new revelation!" praised the holy Mexican monarch. "Thy evolve Perfect Galaxy, Spirit of Immortality into White Knight HEAVEN, Lord of Spirits!"
The magical Jew star was going all bonkers as the holy angel of justice transcended into a bigger holy angel of justice. All of the pointy white hoodie members of Jesus's cult starting humming the hymn as they knew something badass was gonna go down.
"White Knight HEAVEN, show our sinners the light of God and send them back to the shield zone!"
All of Mokubo's giant's were sent into the shield zone due to White Knight HEAVEN's ability. The humming then turned into opera noised from Jesus's white hooded gang.
"Beneficially speaking, you just gave me a total of ten shields," Mokubo happily said. "Well, are you going to attack?"
"There's no need for such actions," answered the passivist. "Thy end thy turn."
"Wait, Mexican Jesus isn't gonna attack the freakin Jew?" asked racist Nobu.
"Us believers believe that non-violence is the key to winning every battle," told the bold Mexican Jesus.
"Kay, so if Jesus isn't going to attack any shields, how is he going to win?" asked Midori.
"Hehe," giggled the little big-eyed Yuu-chan. "You'll all see how it happens next turn."
"Yuu-chan must mean that I'm gonna draw the winning card," thought Mokubo. "Hopefully speaking, I can win the duel right here and now cuz this episodes is taking longer than it should be."
But as he drew, little Mokubo lost the Dying-Will flame on his Jew head.
"Aww," whined the little Jew dude. "Wishfully speaking, I wanted a creature card but I got a faerie life. I can't summon anything this turn..."
"That is why thou shall not pass!" referenced the lord of the lambs. "Thy summon the fortress Saint Castle again. Then thy will fortress evolve thy Saint Castle into The Promise Land, Fortress of the Ten Commandments!"
"What the? Fake cards again Fumo?" angered Nobu. "I bet it's effect is probably something beyond broken."
"Well, it's an eight mana fortress evolution card so it has to be somewhat powerful, kay?" explained Midori. "All of his creatures gain 1000 power for each shield he has, kay? The second ability is when Jesus has ten shields, he auto wins the duel, kay?"
"Honestly speaking, there's no way that's gonna happen," assured Mokubo. "Because I summon my Lupia card, Mana Lupia. Mana Lupia let's me take a card from my mana zone. I, game-winningly speaking, choose Kankuro, the Unstoppable Stalwart. By ending my turn, I can now, correctfully speaking, use my dragon call ability to return my Lupia back to my deck and take another Kankuro."
Mokubo's Jew star was back to full power and reborn his Jew flame.
"With both Kankuro's ability of Revenge Chance, I can, absolutely speaking, double summon both Kankuro dragons to the battle zone. These two giant dragons, powerfully speaking, are 19000 power quadruple breakers. Basically speaking, it's over for you next turn."
However, the annoying background opera music from the Jesus's gangsters got louder as if something crazy is about to happen...
"Yes, ungrateful sinner," reminded cholo Jesus. "It is the END!"
Then, Jesus's gang of white hoodie anti-Satan clubbers whipped out their drums and electric guitars, rocking out with the opera vocals to an epic final boss masterpiece.
"Holy crap!" excited Nobu. "The KKK dudes are playing "Awakening the Chaos!" The final boss's theme music from Blazblue: Calamity Trigger!"
"Kay, so that means the episode finally coming to an end?"
"Yes!" Proclaimed the sacred savior and his rockband worshipers. "With this final blessing from the holy one himself, Thy, Julio Jesus Morales, summon Christ, Messiah of Salvation!"
A beam of holy light flashed the entire club room to materialize an robotic angel of heavenly proportions. It came crucified too...
"Wait, Jesus isn't your real first name?" wondered Nobu. "And how the fuck you did get a last name and I didn't?"
"But you do have a last name Nobi-chan," said the spoiler Yuu-chan out of nowhere. "But master Fumo told me not to give anymore spoilers after Moku-chan loses."
"What!" bursted the losing Jew. "Analytically speaking, even the readers doesn't even know what this fake fanmade card does."
"Kay, it looks like when Christ, Messiah of Salvation, a ten mana 10000 power creature, is summoned, Jesus gets shields equal to the difference of Mokubo's shields, kay? Since Jesus has four shields and Mokubo has ten, Jesus gains six shields from his deck."
"Oh no," cried Mokubo with his Jew star going all haywire. "Defeatably speaking, that means your fortress card will..."
"Will end the duel with the anti-satan club as the winners... ahem."
The epic anti-Satan band finished rocking out to blazblue and assembled in a fascist line. All the pointy white hood members did the ever famous German salute during World War II with their hands held high shouting, "All Hail Jesus! All Hail Jesus!"
"Dude... that's so racist," commented Nobu. "But the music was epicly insane!"
Mokubo handed over his Lupia card to Jesus because of some bullshit card combo that Fumo made up just to end the prolonging duel...
However, the show isn't over yet folks. Hey Yuu-chan, tell our readers what's coming up.
"Okey-dokey Master Fumo. Spoiler alert, hehe. New plot device coming in four, three, two..."
"Like, what the hell is all this noise?"
"Donathan? What the hell are you doing here?" asked Nobu. "You been mia for what three episodes?"
"I was like, trying to run my LGBT club when like, all this rock and metal head-banging music came out of nowhere across the freakin like, hallway. Like, what's going on here?"
"It was La Jesus and his band of KKK Nazi," told the tattle-telling Nobu.
"Well, Mokubo escaped from a Jew fanfic last episode, kay?" clarified Midori. "Then he started a children's card game duel with Jesus of the Anti-Satan club and lost, kay? And then_"
"Like, wait just a damn minute!" demended Donathan. "You're Jesus of the Anti-Satan club? You're the one that was trying to disband my LGBT club!"
"Thou mean that abomination known for Satanism?"
"Like, being gay or whatever doesn't have anything to do with like, Satan and shit," complained Donathan with a pissed attitude.
"Anything not related to Christianism must be fully related to Satanical-murderism!" claimed the all knowing Mexican Jesus.
"Problematically speaking, your clubs are exact opposites of each other," said Mokubo. "Two sides of the same coin, theoretically speaking, cannot exist parallel to each other in this fanfic."
"So let me guess, kay?" guessed Midori. "You guys are gonna duel like every other fanfic that solves all their problems revolving around children's card games right?"
"Hey, wait a minute," demanded Nobu. "Donathan doesn't even have a Lupia card. Only potential main characters can duel on this fanfic."
"But like, I do have a lupia card," replied Donathan asked he takes a card that looks awfully familiar to Nobu's Lupia card...
"Hey, that's mine. Give it back!"
"Like, sorry Nobu but MrFumo magically sent it to me before I got on scene cuz I'm gonna be like, the next plot device for like, the next episode so like, yeah."
"You're not even a freakin main character," angered Nobu. "Why are you stealing my screen-time? I'm suppose to be dueling next episode."
"Well, MrFumo thinks I should be like, having an episode to like, represent the gay readers of the fanfic," addressed Donathan. "And that's why I will like, be getting the last word for this like, episode before the TO BE CONTINUED part."
"No!" raged the wannabe main Nobu. "I'm getting the last damn word. I didn't get to duel for two whole episodes!"
"Nope, like, it's gonna be me."
"You satantic fools! It is thy_"
"NO! ME! MAIN CHARACTER!"
TO BE CONTINUED
"Spoiler alert, hehe," warned Yuu-chan. "I get the last word, teehee."
"That's cuz I'm hosting Fumo Facts this episode. Even though Moku-chan is back on the fanfic, Master Fumo said I do a better job so I'm back again, hehe."
"Today, we gonna got over the game mechanic, Auto-Win. It's the same as Exodia, the Forbidden One but for Duel Masters. A One-hit Knockout ability if you can pull it off, hehe."
"In this episode, Saint Mexican Jesus-chan pwned Moku-chan by getting an auto-win from his fortress card, The Promise Land, Fortress of the Ten Commandments. There are other cards that Master Fumo can make up and throw in with even more crazier abilities, hehe."
"That's all for today readers. I need to go back and stalk Nobu before the next episode," smiled Yuu-chan with that cute stalker face...
Watch out for the next episode! "God vs the Gays!"
Credits: All made by MrFumo (u.u) .zZ