Logan is here.
Logan is here. Logan is HERE. It is the only thought, the only consuming, suffocating thought that claws at Julian's insides. That and the fact that he's still beautiful and he wears jetlag really well. God, why is he here?
"Wh—" Julian doesn't know what to say, doesn't know what to fucking think. "How the hell did you—"
Logan walks straight past him. He throws a newspaper down on the coffee table so hard that Julian actually thinks the table might break from the force. "Good to see you're not actually dead," Logan says, his hands resting on his hips as he slowly turns and faces Julian accusingly, "The whole country was worried about you."
"What are you talking about?" First rule of Hollywood: deny, deny, deny.
"Supposedly, Clark Sawyer ran you over. Gave us all quite a fright," Logan's jaw is clenching, his green eyes rage, and it's easy for Julian to know that Logan has forgone any medication for this trip. Great—he'll probably be dead by morning anyway. If only the tabloids had been right.
"You are the biggest asshole I have ever met. You can't even text me you're alive? I get that it's just some cheap tabloid, but when you haven't been texting me for weeks—What the fuck is your deal?"
Logan keeps talking but the words disappear as Julian stares at him, his thoughts swirling into a mindless jumble of nonsensical words, all pertaining to Logan being HERE in his HOTEL ROOM. Part of him wants to make a break for the door. He seriously considers it.
But no. Just. No. Julian needs to get this over with, once and for all. He doesn't want to escape anymore. He just wants to be done. He wants Logan to yell at him and leave. Because if Logan stays here, in his hotel room, while he's got nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist, Julian knows he will not be able to ignore the fantasies he has had in this very same place, all with different blonde-haired, green-eyed boys who are willing to play pretend.
"Will you just say what you came to say and get out?" Julian interrupts Logan's tirade. "I have a movie to shoot in the morning so you need to get going—"
"No way," Logan says. "I'm staying for as long as this takes."
"I'll call security. I'm sure they'll love to hear how you got in here without a card key."
"You won't get a chance to call security. I'll cut the cord if I have to," Logan takes a few menacing steps forward. " You're going to listen to me and we're going to talk and I'm going to take my sweet time about it. I didn't fly across the country and pull every string in the book just for you to throw another one of your diva fits. So play along and it'll go quicker."
"Fine, then say your piece. I honestly don't care what it is," Julian throws up his hands, "I told you what I thought back at Dalton."
"Like hell you did. You lied," Logan's whole body seems to clench and tremble. "You called me 'disgusting' so I'd leave you alone. It was my stupid mistake, thinking you meant it. But I know you, and if you really had a problem with gays, you would have told me a long time ago."
"I don't have a problem with gays. Gays can do whatever they want to, okay? They can get married and adopt kids and whatever. But I'm. Not. Gay. I don't want to be gay," Julian adds with a shrug.
"It's not a choice, Julian."
"Why the hell do you care, Logan?" Julian exclaims. "It's none of your business!"
"Of course it is! You're my best friend, Julian! My goddamn best friend! I might be pathetic for thinking so, since you don't think we're friends, but I don't care. You and Derek—that's all I got. And if you're struggling with something like this—something I could help you with—then of course I'm going to try to help you! You need to accept yourself, for…whatever you are."
Julian runs a hand through his wet hair, lost…just so lost. How had he been wrapped up in his own lie, the very lie that was supposed to release him from all this insanity? Julian had figured that if Logan thought he was a homophobic jerk, then he would have been happy to have him out of his life.
But no. Logan chose now to actually give a shit about him and it was over something that wasn't even true. Story of his goddamn life.
"I don't want to look back five years from now and see that you got married to some girl you didn't love because I didn't step in," Logan keeps talking even as Julian groans, "—because I gave up. I want to…I want to actually help for once. You're always trying to help me. So why can't I help YOU, just this once?"
"Because I'm. Not. Gay!" Julian steps forward.
"Yes you are!" Logan snaps and takes a stride.
"No I'm not!"
Julian glares. "How can you be so sure? You don't know anything about me, Logan. Kissing you once doesn't make me gay." It just makes him stupid.
"Oh yeah?" Logan challenges. And in a split second, Logan's eyes change. His whole body changes. He's no longer a bomb about to explode, he's a comet, streaking through the sky, coming toward Julian with purpose and determination. Julian does not have time to prepare for the impact. He can only watch the brilliance hurtle toward him, completely transfixed and so utterly, completely scared.
Logan slams him into a wall and Julian is convinced he is about to die. Instead, he is kissed. It isn't just a kiss though—it's Logan's tongue in his mouth and Logan's hand on his neck. It's Logan's other hand running down his bare, still-wet chest and Logan's hair in between his fingers. It's hot and heavy and Julian cannot refuse it. Not while in this room, where this scene has played over and over in his head. Not with just a flimsy towel, a poor disguise, between the two of them. So to hell with it, because Logan fucking Wright is kissing him and this time, it doesn't last a mere, measly eleven seconds.
Julian kisses back with all he has within him. Unfortunately, he knows that all he has will never be enough.
It has to be minutes before it ends though, before Logan breaks away and his forehead leans against Julian's. His eyes glow.
"Like hell you're not gay," Logan murmurs hoarsely. His eyes flick downward and his long, talented fingers fiddle with the fabric of the towel wrapped around Julian's waist and it's probably the sexiest thing that has happened to Julian in his life, even though it pisses him off.
"I'm not, you moron," Julian pants, trying to cool down and clear his head. "I'm –I'm bi."
Logan's eyes look back up, bear down into his own. "What?"
"Are you deaf? I'm bi," Julian takes a deep breath.
"Bi? Are you sure you're not just saying that to—"
Julian barks a short laugh, still too breathless to do anything else. His eyes barely resist staring at Logan's lips.
"What?" Logan demands. "What's so funny?"
Julian can't help but smirk "I've been bi for years. I've fucked more girls than Derek and more boys than you. I know what I am."
But he does know what he is—it's the first time he's said it aloud. And it feels instantly different. He knew before, always has, never denied it, but now he's said it and it's so official. It's almost scary, letting this secret out of its rusted little cage, and it's definitely exhausting. He doesn't know if he can let out another one.
He shoves Logan away weakly, still leaning against the wall for support.
Logan is not exactly angry, but his green eyes are demanding. "Then why did you lie to me? What the hell, Julian? You made me think you were straight all these years!"
"Well you never really asked," Julian retorts, glares again. He swallows, curls his fingers into fists so they don't reach for Logan, who is still too goddamn close to him, despite his best efforts. He closes his eyes next, trying to erase the sight of him from his mind. "Are we done? You need to leave." Please, please just leave.
"No, we're not done here," his voice comes out strange. Confused, angry, but controlled. Julian opens his eyes and sees Logan staring at him, thoughts all over his beautiful face.
"Logan—goddamnit, what do you want from me?"
"The truth, moron" Logan steps forward. "What I've wanted since the beginning. Tell me the truth," he closes the distance between their two bodies. Julian's breath catches completely in his chest, his heart stutters. He's never been so scared in his life—he just wants to run away, and wants to hide from the fire of his skin, from Logan's fingers as they once again rest by his towel. "If you're not confused about your sexuality, why did you kiss me back at Dalton?"
There's no lie that can save him. "No reason," he swallows.
"Why did you kiss me?" Logan repeats.
"Go to hell," it's too feeble, weak, not him. It makes Logan angrier.
"Tell me the truth," he's growling—god, he's hot.
"God, you piss me off," Logan whispers, leaning forward, lips hardly a centimeter from his own. Julian's heart screams and he can feel it near breaking "I fucking hate you," Logan repeats louder and angrier, and his hand snakes around Julian's neck and yanks him close, mouths colliding.
His towel falls to the floor.
"I hate you so much..."
"God, I missed you..."
"I love you."
Julian wants to drown, breathe in too much air so his broken little heart will just explode, like a tire or a balloon. He lies in bed, the covers thrown haphazardly around his body, the tracks of his tears dimly outlined by the red glow of the clock. He's fucked a lot of people before, but never, until this moment, has he felt so naked.
And the worst part is that Logan is beside him. Logan, who is even more beautiful out of clothes, who scratches and growls, who likes butterfly kisses and loves to grasp hands, who squeezes them when he's close. Julian hates how he knows all of this and how much he loves it all.
How many times has he dreamed this moment? How many fantasies has he created? And now, here he is, his dream a reality, lying not even a foot away, and he doesn't want it, and he hates it, wants to rewind the clock and tell his past self DON'T. Don't go to the hotel room, don't talk to Logan, don't let Logan kiss you and don't have sex with him either. Because afterward, any dreams, any fantasies, are nothing more than ruins. Nothing can live up to this moment, which means so much to him and so little to Logan.
And that's where the hurt is. The salt in his wound. There's no hiding it. Logan knows everything there is to know and Julian cannot take anything back. His deep, dark secret is out of him and he has nothing left.
"You're quiet," the culprit murmurs and shifts, touching Julian's arm with his hand. Julian jerks at the motion, fresh tears springing to his eyes. Logan does not seem to notice (why would he?)"That's never a good sign when dealing with the famous Julian Larson—"
Julian breathes in a ragged, shaky breath. "Shut up."
The hold on his arm returns, tighter. Logan props himself up on his elbow. "Julian..."
Julian rips his arm away and sits up, leaning over his bed and burying his face in his hands, though it does not stop the tears or the hollow feeling in his chest. "Will you just," he breathes out, "shut up? Please?"
"No. No. I can't—so just tell me what's wrong, for once."
"What's wrong is I wish this never happened," Julian's voice is so thick with tears there's no hiding it. "I wish I never even met you."
Silence. Julian watches the clock, waits for Logan to get up, gather his clothes and leave. That's what should happen.
"I don't wish that," Logan murmurs. "Not even for a second."
"Well of course you wouldn't, you got a free, easy fuck—"
"—Julian, you are a whole lot more—"
Julian whirls around, "No, I'm not! Don't, okay?"
"It's fucking TRUE, though," Logan bites back. "I would never just fuck anyone. Especially you."
"Then why did you do it? Why? Because I know it's not the same reason for me. Not because you care about me, or like me—not because you're in love with me. Not like I am with you," and Julian laughs bitterly, "God I don't even know why I love you. You're the biggest, most selfish, conceited jerk I have ever met and I live in Hollywood, so that's saying something. But I'm an even bigger idiot than you are, for falling for you and all your shit! So just do me one favor and spare me the rejection," Julian angrily wipes the tears away, "and tell me why the hell you're toying with me."
"I'm not!" Logan exclaims instantly. "I swear, I didn't know you—I suspected. I did suspect. But I didn't know, until you said it when…" his voice trails off.
Julian's cheeks color in embarrassment. "Well since you obviously don't feel the same way, why can't you just leave me the fuck alone for once?" He shouts.
"I don't know!" Logan yells. "I was angry! You hadn't talked to me in over a month, you just left Dalton without saying goodbye and I had to hear from Derek that you don't want to come back? What the hell, Julian? And you couldn't even give me a goodbye over text or email. You just ignored me, until it got to a point—I was going to explode. I…I needed to see you, if only to bash your head in! I was hearing all these stories about your stalker and whatever—and then this newspaper article about you DYING—and I was worried and—I don't know, Julian!" Logan runs his hands through his blonde locks, which are messy and wild and sexy, goddamnit. "Even when I was here…standing in front of you…you still wouldn't tell me the truth. And I just got fucking pissed."
"So you fucked me because you were angry?" Julian cannot believe his ears.
"No!...Yes—maybe, I don't," Logan sighs, "I don't know. I just missed the hell out of you, Jules. And I just wanted you to tell me the truth. And when I was kissing you that first time…it was like you, the real you, was back. So I kissed you again."
"And then you fucked me—"
"Stop saying it like that!" Logan exclaims. "You're not just a one-off fuck okay? I would never do that to anyone. I couldn't. So though you're determined to believe that I don't care, you're, like always, an idiot, because I do. Sorry if that's not what you expected."
On the contrary, it's exactly what Julian is expecting. A little "I care about you, you're my friend, but I want to keep it that way" which is the most bitter of all rejections, the most stinging. Who wants to stick around and 'be friends' after feelings are put out there? No one. Losers. Pathetic losers who do not know how to move on. He would not be one of those losers. He has to—god, the tears were coming stronger now. Why why why, he has known this answer was coming, he should have prepared himself better. Julian falls back onto his back, covering his face with his hands and wishing Logan away.
Logan is beside him a second later, a hand falling on his Julian's chest in a delicate way that makes Julian cry harder. "No, Julian, god…please stop crying. You're making me feel like a jackass."
"That's because you are a jackass!" Julian says through his tears, and he tries to push Logan away, but Logan stops him and holds his wrists tight, leaving Julian fuming and staring anywhere but at him.
"You're not getting what I'm saying," Logan insists. "You're not even listening to me! I fucking hate it when you do this!"
"I fucking hate it when you do THIS—you're so goddamn oblivious to the fact that this is hurting me. YOU are hurting me. You being here is making everything worse, but all you can think about is YOU and how this is affecting YOU—"
"I'm sorry, but what you want me to do is unfair too! I'm not going to just walk out of your life, Julian, okay? I won't. No, Julian, I'm not in love with you, but how can I be? I thought you were STRAIGHT this entire time. You weren't even an option. I wasn't a blip on your romantic radar as far as I was concerned, so I didn't go there. But then… then, you kissed me at Dalton and you say all these dumb-ass things about gays and I think you're struggling with your sexuality…and then you won't talk to me—and I come in here, and I see you in just a towel, for Christ's sake," Logan smiles a little. "And you look so hot I nearly forget how pissed I am at you…only then you started talking and I remembered," Logan pauses and licks his lips. Julian does not dare to look him in the face.
He takes a breath, "And basically, in that moment, when we kissed, I realized that I…I need you. I hate you half the time and I bitch at you all the time, but without you…" Logan sighs, his head dropping. "You drive me so crazy that I had to sell my soul to get the Brightman twins to fly me here and I nearly prostituted myself out to the lady at the front desk for a copy of your card key. I don't do that for just anyone."
Julian's heart is beating fast now. He can't believe it. He doesn't want to—he can't. If he does, he'll just get his heart completely smashed into smithereens and that will be the end of Julian Larson. "You love Kurt," he says. He stares at Logan straight in the eye for the first time during the whole conversation.
Logan surprisingly does not hesitate. He nods. "Yes. I do. But that doesn't mean anything anymore, and it doesn't make me care about you any less. And actually, being angry at you is a very good distraction from Kurt."
"Glad to be of assistance," Julian says sarcastically. "But I don't want to be a distraction. Or a stupid second choice and I don't want you to do me any favors here—"
"I'm not—you're not. You don't understand. You're the one doing me the favor here. I honestly can't function without you, Julian. No, that's not love, but it's… something…isn't it? And it's why I'm here with you right now and it's why we slept together. We need each other."
It is the most twisted thing Julian has ever heard and he doesn't get it. But as he opens his mouth to insult Logan further, to push him away, he realizes that on some strange level, it makes a whole lot of sense. But that just makes it more dangerous. If Logan had sex with him based solely on need, what happened when he didn't need Julian anymore, or, even worse, found someone he actually wanted?
"So, what? You want me to be your little fuckbuddy until you can get Kurt to fall in love with you?" Julian scowls.
"Forget Kurt! This isn't about Kurt," Logan says and takes Julian's hand in a much-too caring gesture. "I'm not going to lie and say that I don't love him. I do. But I don't want to anymore. I'm tired of it and I've already given up. I want something else. I want this," Logan squeezes his hand. "I need this."
Julian lets the conversation die. He has too many words in his head to even notice the thickening silence, but Logan looks worried.
"Jules…you're freaking me out here. I don't know what you're thinking."
"I just don't know if I can trust you," Julian finally breathes out, scared, so much more now than ever before. "You say all this now, but you've never once looked at me before. Never once thought about me. And you may…need me, but…you don't want me. And I won't do this to myself, knowing you could just run off when the next Kurt comes around the corner." He tries to take his hand away, but Logan just clutches tighter, insistent and urgent.
And then Logan leans in and kisses him again.
This time, it is different. This kiss is not desperate or filled with the lust of an unstable teenager. It is not angry and consuming, or violent. There is no question that this kiss is one of tenderness and affection. It's as soft and slow as they come and it fills up every part of Julian with music.
Logan ends the kiss, but he does not pull back. He rests his forehead against Julian's.
"I do want you, Julian," he's whispering, eyes opening slowly, "And I'll do whatever it takes to get you."
Julian does not even try to argue or fight anymore. It's pointless. After all, it's a proven fact that Logan Wright does not take no for an answer and nearly always gets what he wants.
They are not boyfriends. They could never be boyfriends. Logan still loves Kurt, Julian is still famous and "straight," so for now, a real relationship isn't possible. But they aren't friends. And they're not friends with benefits either. They exist in a world without definition, where no one understands their language, or their decisions or their customs. When they fight, others hear insults and anger; they hear honesty, brutal, but welcome. When they make out, others see a train wreck ready to happen-they simply know better.
Some days are better than others. Some days, Logan does not watch Kurt pass in the halls or stare at him as he holds hands with Blaine. Some days, Logan kisses Julian for no reason and sends him inappropriate text messages while in class.
They are not boyfriends. But is it ridiculous for Julian to think that maybe Logan was wrong? That when Logan said "I need you," "I care about you," "I miss you" he was really saying I love you all along? Even if that love wasn't the same kind of love Julian had for the moody blonde, he felt like it existed nonetheless, living somewhere in Logan, and he saw it every time Logan swung an arm over Julian's shoulder and walked him to his next class, if only to get an extra snark in.
It doesn't matter to Julian, not too much at least. Because Logan is beautiful and annoying and ridiculous and passionate and fucking insane—
And for a little while, every now and then, Logan is also his.