I've been afraid of changing because I've built my life around you…
It wasn't fair. Fate wasn't fucking fair at all. Weren't good deeds supposed to be rewarded? If you were a good person, or did something good, weren't you supposed to get something in return? The thing you wanted? None of that fucking happened at all. After everything that had gone down during Mr. Schuester's attempt to hold impromptu sex-ed classes during glee rehearsal – she thought maybe she would've gotten a little bit of help. A little reward. All this bullshit about being changing and climbing mountains and everything, none of it even fucking mattered. Santana collapsed into the driver's seat of her car, sobs finally overwhelming her, her hands gripping the wheel tightly for support.
She had been willing to confront all of her fears. The torment, the bullying, the hate and gossip and suffering. The fears that not even Kurt could stand up to, and he was a hell of a lot better at this stuff than she was. She was going to do it all for Brittany – because she loved her that much. She would even confront the fact that the only reason why she was a bitch and was so angry was because she wasn't with the one person she wanted to be with, and deal with the repercussions.
It was the thing that had kept her up night after night, left her wondering if this was going to ruin her or finally make her happy, made her finally believe in the possibility of love for love – and not appearance.
But Brittany didn't want it. She made that clear. She wanted Artie, and only Artie.
For the first time in her life, Santana Lopez had been rejected. And it hurt more than she could ever possibly explain. There was a place deep in her chest aching with a hollow emptiness that she had never knew existed until now – hurting in a way she had never thought possible. Had it been a guy – Finn, Sam, Puck, whatever – it would've been nothing. Because she would've gotten over it by running to Brittany, who would've told her she was beautiful and they were the ones who were losing out on everything. Brittany would smiled and laughed with her, telling her that she was perfect in every single way.
She couldn't run to her this time. Because she never thought that Brittany would've been the one to reject her.
And she could go through her usual violent degradation of the person that had pissed her off, but as another choked cry filled her ears, only recognizable as her own voice, she realized that she wasn't even the slightest bit angry.
She was utterly and completely heartbroken. The word felt foreign as it formed in her thoughts. Santana Lopez didn't cry. She didn't get hurt by people. She didn't get her heart broken. She didn't actually fall for people. But somewhere in the darkest, deepest corners of the soul she'd hid away so long ago to protect herself, all those didn'ts and nevers came true.
And no matter how hard she tried to tell herself that it was all going to be okay – that she could move on, that she was above this, that she still had herself without Brittany – she knew it wasn't going to be okay. Because without Brittany, there was no Brittana. There was just Santana. Who was alone – like now.
God, fuck Artie. Who the fuck did he think he was? And what the hell did Brittany even see in him? Santana still couldn't understand why the two of them were even dating…
She froze, tears momentarily stopping when she realized that their relationship had only come to be because Brittany had been trying to get back at Santana for not wanting to be exclusive back during the duets competition... It seemed like whatever Santana did, she'd never be the only one for Brittany. She'd screwed herself over then by not wanting to be her fucking duet partner, and then she'd fucked herself over this time by saying the death curse of 'I love you' to her.
Santana wanted to cry more, but it seemed like the tears weren't coming. As she swiped at her cheeks furiously with the sleeve of her sweater, the remnants of the eye makeup came away. Maybe everything could just go back to the way it was before; Brittany could still date Artie, and Santana could be in love with Brittany without anyone knowing. It'd be sad and pathetic, but at least she'd get what she wanted… And it wasn't like Holly Holliday knew anything of what she was talking about. That 'Landslide' song fucking sucked, anyway.
When she started to cry again at that, she realized there was no way she could lie to herself like that. She was the one who had picked the song out – of course it didn't suck. The reason she had picked it was because of the lyrics. She'd wanted them to mean something to Brittany about how she felt, and she thought it had. Clearly it didn't say enough.
Taking a deep breath, Santana closed her eyes, trying to stop her body from shaking with the tears that continued to fall. If it was anyone else, she would've done anything she could to ruin Brittany and Artie's relationship. It wasn't like the thought hadn't crossed her mind before – multiple times a day. It'd be the easiest thing ever. She always got what she wanted. It made her who she was, and she never liked to lose what she wanted. All this time she'd wanted to Brittany.
But if she tried anything, Brittany would know. And she'd be hurt.
And no matter what, Santana couldn't be responsible for that. Because she loved her too much.
A/N: I have never supported this couple until now. I didn't even see the potential in it until Naya Rivera (who is brilliant) made me cry twice during this episode. By the end, I wanted it to happen so badly, but I knew it wouldn't, because Brittany's too nice to break up with Artie like that. NEED IT TO HAPPEN SOON.
Also, did anyone hate the Blaine&Kurt storyline in this episode as much as I did? If Kurt can't be sexy, leave him alone Blaine. Stop being mean… :(