Well, this is possibly one of the most random things I've ever written. I wrote it a while back, but have only just decided to post it. To all of you waiting for the next chapter of 'Broken Hearts and Twisted Minds', I promise it will be finished and posted soon, I'm just trying to make it as good as I possibly can – it's proving pretty hard to write, but I will try to get it to you as soon as possible! Anyway, the idea for this popped into my head a while back, then I wrote it but never published it. It's not really meant to be taken all that seriously, but I hope you enjoy it all the same!
Disclaimer – I don't own Ashes to Ashes, or Golidilocks and the Three Bears. :P
Goldilocks and the Three Bears
CID was, strangely, deserted. The several desks that took up most of the black and white tiled floor space were empty, along with the glass encased office at the end of the room, the name of her new DCI printed proudly on the door along with a picture and note below that she couldn't read from where she was stood. Even the kitchenette area just around the corner was deserted; the busy chatter of officers she had been expecting was absent, and there wasn't even the regular tapping of a typewriter to fill the still silence that hung in the air of Fenchurch East CID.
This wasn't what WPC Gina Hammond had been expecting at all. When she had been asked to carry out a temporary, two week placement in Fenchurch East's CID, she had prepared herself for the famously misogynistic and sexist officers that supposedly filled the place. She had made sure she was ready to face the infamous Gene Hunt, stories of whom she had heard whispered on the grape vine ever since she had joined the force. And above all, Gina had prepared herself to meet DI Alex Drake, the only female DI in the division, known for her modern methods and feisty attitude. The tales of the fiery standoffs between her and DCI Hunt had become legendary, travelling even to Croydon, where she was usually stationed. She of course, had also heard of DS Ray Carling. She had a friend who had met him a few times at various Met balls, lectures or training afternoons. Gina however, had yet to have the pleasure of meeting him, or any of the team. She had heard Ray Carling was the worst of them though; sexist to the core, an ignorant misogynist if there ever was one.
Letting out a long sigh, Gina began to wander through CID, wondering why on earth it was so devoid of life. This was meant to be one of the most productive teams in London, with a cleanup rate that had improved dramatically since the arrival of DCI Hunt and his ballsy DI. So where the hell was everyone?
"Typical," Gina muttered to herself in a distinctive cockney accent, slumping back on the nearest desk. "Come 'ere to help out and they're off, probably having lunch an' gettin' pissed." She perched on the end of the desk for a few more minutes before sighing again, bored of picking at her nails and staring at the collection of inappropriate posters that lined the walls. "Fucking 'ell, this is ridiculous," she said under her breath, hopping off the desk and making her way towards the kitchen. Something she defined as hunger was beginning to stir in her stomach, and her backside was getting numb from sitting on the desk. She guessed none of the absent detectives would mind if she sat at one of their desks to wait. Muttering to herself as she looked through the generally sparse cupboards, Gina set about satisfying her hunger and wondering where her new team had got to. "Where the 'ell are the bloody bastards? No-one said anythin' about 'em bein' fucking invisible..."
With her chin resting on her hands and eyes looking glumly out of the window, Alex let out a long sigh and gave Gene a sideways glance. "This is a waste of time, Guv. I've told you, he won't come back to the same place to pick girls up twice. He's clever, methodical – not your usual lunatic control freak. He knows the police are onto him, and he's not going to use the same tactics twice."
Gene's eyes flickered up to her from where they were fixed on the exit of a sleazy Soho club, promising cheap sex and girls that were probably barely out of high school. "He's a serial rapist, Bolly, not a rocket scientist. We don't need yer psychiatry," he grumbled, shifting in the uncomfortable chair of the flat they had paid to occupy for the duration of the stakeout.
"It's psychology," Alex snapped, getting up from the window and moving about to exercise her legs. "And actually, it's not even that, it's common bloody sense! We already know from the steps he takes before raping the girls that he's no idiot. For heaven's sakes, Gene! I know you don't like me being right, but sometimes, just sometimes, you're just going to have to admit that I am."
Lifting his eyes to match her stubborn glare, Gene leant back in his chair and dug in his pockets for his cigarettes and lighter. "Bloody 'ell woman, yer worse than the flamin' great wall of China – go on fer far too long." He pouted moodily and lit his cigarette. "Like the sound of yer own voice an' all," he added under his breath, taking a deep drag and blowing the smoke out in her direction.
Alex pulled a face at the smoke drifting in front of her face and sighed again, giving him a look of pure disdain. "Ugh, where the hell are Ray and Terry, they were meant to take over at..." She glanced at her watch and then at the darkening sky outside, letting out a long groan. "Not for another half hour," she muttered, resting her chin in her hands again as she resumed her watch out of the window.
"We could always play a game to pass the time," Gene told her, the corners of his lips quirking up into a slight smile as she shot a dagger look at him.
"What?" Alex asked sarcastically, expression blunt and bored. "Like 'I spy'?"
He shrugged, taking another short drag on his cigarette before stubbing it out in the ashtray that was perched on the windowsill next to Alex's elbow. She turned as he paused there, face hovering just inches from her shoulder. "I was thinking more along the lines of strip poker, Bolly..." he murmured, glancing up at her beneath hooded eyes.
For a moment, for one tiny, ridiculous moment, there was something there... And then Alex pulled away from him and averted her eyes out of the window again. "In your dreams, Hunt," she muttered, letting out a bored sigh again. There was no point in this; this wasn't how you caught criminals. If they'd only bloody listen to her they'd have probably caught the bastard by now. But no, this had to be done the 'Gene Hunt' way.
"Well considering the rate this is going at, looks like I've got nothing better t' do than dream, Bols," Gene grumbled, a disgruntled pout returning to his face. Alex turned her head briefly to give him a small smile, still absolutely bored out of her mind.
"Two hours," Gina muttered to herself, looking around the still vacant CID. She was starting to wonder whether she'd wandered into the wrong station, maybe some abandoned one. "Two fuckin' hours and still –" She gestured wildly to the empty, silence space before her. "No-one." Letting out another long sigh and resting back against the desk she had originally perched on, Gina muttered to herself again. "Now I'm even talking to myself...Not even 'ere yet and they're already driving me up the pissing wall." She looked around again at the crude posters on the wall, the lads magazines dotted around the place and endless amounts of clutter that littered most of the desks. She had no idea how DI Drake survived working amongst all this; mind you, she'd heard rumours about her being a bit on the wrong side of sane as well. "Gonna be bloody sectioned after two weeks 'ere with this lot... If they ever turn up."
It was with exceedingly grumpy faces, weary bodies and bored minds that Gene, Alex, Ray and the rest of CID returned to the station a long time after the usual time of Beer o'clock, which normally marked the end of the working day. Their eighteen hour stakeout for their serial rapist had turned up a complete and utter blank and it was with a resigned sense of annoyance that the team admitted that maybe Alex's idea of building up a profile of their attacker and talking to snouts to set up a tail would be a more productive way of trying to predict where he would strike next. They were all so annoyed at the time they had wasted and tired from wasting it that the team had completely forgotten that today was the day their temporary stand-in for Shaz was due to arrive, seeing as she and Chris were on their honeymoon.
So when the team entered CID, they could have been forgiven for not noticing Gina's presence straight away. The first thing Gene did was to stride straight through to the kitchen area on the hunt for something to boost his energy levels, lest the Manc Lion be seen to be falling asleep in his booze later on in Luigi's. Oxtail soup – never had failed him.
A few seconds later, Gene's thunderous voice came booming back through to CID. "Where the flamin' 'ell has my oxtail soup gone? Somebody's eaten it!" he bellowed, making everyone jump. "There was one last tin back 'ere and now it's gone. Carling, you better 'ave a bloody good explanation for this or I'll be making Ray-tail soup out o' that moustache of yours!"
Ray jumped from where he was helping himself to a cigarette from a packet Chris had left behind on his desk, his head whipping round to face a furious Gene Hunt. Alex, who had been looking at the case board that obscured the view to Ray's own desk in the corner, chuckled lightly to herself. "Note to self," she said under her breath, "Best way to enrage the Gene Genie – steal his oxtail soup."
"I haven't had it, Guv, I swear!" Ray exclaimed, hastily trying to persuade his DCI that he hadn't so much as looked at the prized oxtail soup.
Narrowing his eyes at his DS, Gene allowed the usual displeased pout to wander its way onto his face as he stuffed his hands into his pockets. "Well who the 'ell has eaten it then, 'cause whoever it was, they're in for it when I get my hands on 'em!"
"Oh calm down, Gene," Alex sighed, making her way over her own desk as she dropped the current case file down onto it. "You probably had it yesterday and don't remember."
"You suggestin' I can't remember my own eating habits, Drake? I'm telling you, I haven't bloody eaten that soup!" Gene barked, turning to face her, his stance still emanating irritation at the mystery of his missing soup.
Shrugging, Alex sighed again and ran her hands through her hair. "Fine, whatever. It was the ghost of the ox, back to seek his revenge." She waved a dismissive hand at him and sat down behind her desk. As she sat down on her chair however, her facial expression turned from one of mild disdain, to one of confusion, finally to one of annoyance as she leaned back and forth in her chair, frowning.
Gene frowned at her, confused. "What the 'ell is wrong with yer now, Bolly? Yer've got a face like Chris Skelton's when yer use words wi' more than five letters in."
Alex looked up at him, her hand fiddling with something on the underside of her swivel chair. "Someone's been sitting in my chair," she told him, her clipped voice making it quite clear that she was in no mood for further irritations that day. She just wanted to get to Luigi's as soon as possible, get drunk, and pass out on her sofa. "I set the height settings on this chair at just the right place a few months ago for me to work at my desk without having to cramp up my spine too much or have my knees brushing the desk..."
"Bloody 'ell!" Gene exclaimed, eyes wide in disbelief. "She even makes a flamin' swivel chair sound like a top-notch science experiment! Specific height settings; what are yer, Bolly? A computer or a woman?" He let out an annoyed huff of breath. "What about whoever's 'ad my oxtail soup?"
"I don't know!" Alex snapped, still fiddling with the lever underneath her chair. Suddenly, she dropped down about half a foot, causing Gene to quickly suppress a snigger as half of her torso disappeared behind the desk. Shooting him a death glare, Alex gave a heavy sigh and pulled the chair back up to the right height.
"God, it's like something from a kid's story," Alex muttered, rearranging everything on her desk to be even neater than before to make up for her chair settings being messed with. "Someone eats Daddy Bear's soup; someone sits in Mummy Bear's chair – "
Gene cut her off with an appalled cry of, "Are you suggestin' we're married, Bolly-kecks? Oh please, God forbid!"
Quirking a teasing eyebrow up at him, Alex shrugged and smiled slightly, glad he'd finally stopped ranting on about his oxtail soup. Whoever had eaten it, she should give them a bunch of flowers. "Well if we are, who's Baby Bear?"
At that moment, Ray's voice came from just behind the case board and dread filled both Alex and Gene's faces. "Don't tell me..." Gene muttered.
"There's some blonde tart asleep at my desk!"
Gene wasted no time in quickly striding over to the case board and wheeling it out of the way so that Ray's desk, and its sleeping occupant, was visible to all of them. Taking in the sight of the woman slumped, asleep over Ray's desk, her mass of golden curls fanned out over his paperwork, Alex just shook her head in disbelief and got up to join the others. Ray was Baby Bear? She was bringing traditional fairytales into this world now? "My frontal cortex really needs some more original inspiration," she murmured to herself, looking down at the sleeping woman. "Four years at university, three studying in America and a first in Psychology and this is the best my brain can come up with?"
Gene glanced at her. "What are you muttering about now, Bolly?"
A smile spread instantly over her face as she shook her head, returning everyone's attention back to the golden haired stranger still sleeping at Ray's desk. "Nothing, nothing... Well go on then," she at Gene, "Wake her up."
"Oi, Goldilocks!" Gene shouted, leaning over to nudge the woman's shoulder and shake her awake. "Wakey, wakey, Daddy Bear's back and he's not bloody 'appy!"
With a long groan, the nameless woman stirred and slowly lifted her head up to look at Gene, Ray and Alex with bleary eyes. "Oh," she said, blinking a few times and pushing her hair back. "So you finally turned up then. I thought you never would; I can't believe I fuckin' fell asleep waiting for you!"
"You better tell us who the fuck you are, missus, or I'll be stringing yer up in the cells by those blonde locks of yours for 'aving the last of my oxtail soup!"
"And changing my chair settings!" Alex exclaimed, placing her hands on her hips.
The woman sighed and pulled herself up from Ray's seat, her eyes turning to Gene. "I'm WPC Gina Hammond, your temporary replacement?" She held a hand out and Gene stared at it as though she had suddenly sprouted an extra one. Dropping it with a shrug, Gina put her hands in the pockets of her coat. "I've been waiting hours 'ere for you lot, now all you do is glare at me and ask why the 'ell I ate some soup, sat in a chair and fell asleep! Anyone else would."
Gene pouted his usual disgruntled pout, glaring at her for a few more moments before he spoke again. The nerve of the girl, coming into his kingdom and mouthing off like that. He hated to say it, but she looked like she was going to be worse than Alex. "Listen, Goldilocks," he growled, straightening up so he was almost looming over her petite frame. "Yer can't just waltz in 'ere, mouth off, mess around with our desks and then expect us t' give yer a warm welcome! What did yer expect? The brass band and welcome wagon?" He paused, and then shouted, pointing a finger at her. "You ate the last of my oxtail soup!"
Gina let out a long sigh as her eyes flickered over to Alex. "How do you cope with him?" she asked, almost acting as though Gene wasn't there. Once she'd said it, she turned back to Gene though and smiled, trying her best to look innocent and sweet. "I'm sorry for eating your soup, I'll buy you some more in as soon as I can, DCI Hunt. Happy?" She even went so far as to bat her eyelashes a little at him, not noticing Alex tense slightly at the action.
"Not particularly," Gene muttered gruffly. "But it'll do. Now shift it, Goldilocks – looks like Raymondo 'ere has some paperwork he needs t' tidy."
Looking down at the now messed up paperwork on his desk from where Gina had been resting her head and arms on it, Ray frowned and looked up back up at Gene. "She's the one that bloody messed it up, Guv! I'm not sortin' it; paperwork's a plonk's job anyway." He looked pointedly at Gina.
Unfazed by the supposedly piggish, misogynistic man she had heard so many stories of, Gina turned her dazzling smile, shimmering hair and long eyelashes on Ray. "I'm awfully sorry, inspector," she said sweetly, stepping to stand in front of him. Reaching out, she lightly rested a hand on his chest and looked up at him from underneath her eyelashes, meeting his gaze as she moistened her lips with her tongue. "I'll tidy it up for you."
Gulping slightly and not knowing quite where to look, Ray nodded and replied, "Right, erm, okay, thanks...I suppose..."
"Don't worry about it," Gina told him with a quick wink. She grinned at him. "You can thank me later."
Watching these proceedings with a raised eyebrow, Alex allowed her lips to quirk into a hidden grin as she turned and made her way back to her desk. Well, she needn't worry about the new WPC making any moves on Gene. And, she thought, trying hard to suppress a smirk, she had learnt one thing that her parents had always left out of the fairytale. No-one had ever said anything about Goldilocks having a thing for the perm and moustache look.
Tee hee, or that Mummy and Daddy Bear were Gene and Alex! I hope you enjoyed this, and as always, reviews are very welcome! :D