Title: Puzzle Pieces
Characters: Kurt/Blaine (established relationship)
Spoilers: Up to "Sexy," speculation for future episodes.
Warnings: Sexual situations, angst (but with a positive ending, no worries).
Word Count: 2,397
Author's Note: I wrote most of this immediately after "Sexy" aired and finished it up today. This is an exploration on the idea that Blaine is bad at love, but comfortable with sex. And Kurt is the complete opposite.
Summary: Two months into their relationship, and Blaine is painfully aware of the fact Kurt can't shake his fear of sex.
It's been going on like this for a couple months now. They've been dating ever since Kurt transferred back to McKinley and Blaine followed soon after. The way Blaine's feelings surfaced the second Kurt was out of his life had surprised both of them.
Kurt had been wary, naturally. He had every right to be. He was confused and upset, thinking that Blaine's sole reason for transferring had been to follow after him. Sure, Kurt was in his top ten reasons for leaving Dalton. But number one on his mental list had been courage. Because watching Kurt step back in and take control of a situation he initially ran away from was something Blaine had once been afraid to do.
So after a week or so of long talks over coffee and assuring Kurt he was in it for the long run, it finally happened. They finally happened.
There's a lot of hand holding. Blaine knows Kurt can't get enough of that. And naturally, doing homework together on Kurt's bed after classes leads to kissing on Kurt's bed after classes. Very careful kissing, because Blaine hasn't forgotten that conversation he had with Kurt back when they were just friends. He knows that Kurt's educated now, but he also knows that Kurt's still frightened of intimacy. Hands stay on shoulders or waists and tongues don't entwine. It's very simple and, yeah, Blaine finds it a little awkward sometimes. But Kurt seems to be perfectly happy and that's what matters.
Burt is putting some extra hours in at the shop, Finn is at football practice and Carole is out with a girlfriend. They have a few hours to themselves.
That's how they end up where they are now – alone in Kurt's house. Alone in his house and kissing on his bed.
They're resting on their sides like usual, knees touching and lips meeting in the middle. The kiss is just what Blaine's used to – chaste and sweet. So when Kurt pulls away, Blaine opens his eyes and frowns.
"Hey. What's wrong?" he asks, studying Kurt's face carefully. Kurt is frowning, too. But he doesn't look upset. More like he's considering something.
"…Can I try something?" he asks. And Blaine nods immediately. He loves Kurt – he really does. And he's more than willing to take as long as Kurt needs. But right now, he's just curious.
Kurt takes a hold of Blaine's shoulder and presses it into the mattress, carefully pushing Blaine onto his back. Kurt moves closer and, to Blaine's complete surprise, climbs on top of him. Kurt's kind of straddling Blaine's left leg and his knee is pressed up against Blaine's groin, but he's pretty sure their current position is completely unintentional because Kurt isn't actually moving or anything. He just presses their bodies together firmly and goes back to kissing.
Something wet presses against Blaine's lips and he realizes its Kurt's tongue. Blaine eagerly opens his mouth, and pretty soon they're actually making out. Of course, it's awkward and messy and Kurt actually drools on Blaine's face a little. That makes them both laugh. But then it starts to get heated, and Blaine doesn't understand how Kurt isn't rutting against him right now.
Blaine is half-hard when Kurt gets uncomfortable and repositions himself, accidentally grazing Blaine's erection with his knee. And that's when things spiral out of control.
Blaine moans into Kurt's mouth the instant he feels the contact. His hips thrust up involuntarily and his hand immediately drops down to grab Kurt's ass and try to press him closer.
Kurt lets out a surprised squeak and pushes himself away from Blaine like they're two repelling magnets. His back is pressed against the headboard and his hand is clapped over his mouth. He looks completely devastated by what just happened, but also mortified by his own reaction.
"Kurt, I'm so sorry," Blaine says, sitting up and staring at his boyfriend. "I didn't mean to – I just – "
"No, I'm sorry," Kurt practically whispers, his hand falling away from his mouth. "I shouldn't have reacted like that. You're my boyfriend."
"Hey. None of that," Blaine says, frowning at him. "Just because we're dating doesn't mean you have to be okay with everything."
Kurt's wringing his hands. It's one of his nervous habits. Ironically enough, the first time Blaine saw Kurt do this was when he tried to talk to him about sex just a few months ago in this same room.
"Blaine? You're a virgin too, right?"
"What? Of course I am," Blaine answers, not really sure where Kurt's going with this.
"Then how come you're comfortable with sex and I'm not?"
Kurt is staring at him with that familiar but heartbreaking wide-eyed expression, so Blaine considers this a moment before answering.
"I've always been a pretty sexual person, I guess. It just seems natural to me. I've never been afraid or intimated by the idea of it. But Kurt, just because you are doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. It doesn't mean you're asexual or whatever. It just means you're not ready. Plain and simple. We've only been dating for two months. I'm not expecting sex after two months."
"Maybe not expecting it, but you want to?"
Blaine hesitates and shrugs his shoulders, sighing. "Well, yeah I want to. I'm not going to lie to you and say I don't. But what I want more than sex is for you to be happy and ready and willing. I love you."
He's thought it plenty, but it's the first time he's said it out loud. Kurt just stares at him for a few seconds, a slow smile taking shape on his face.
"Love you, too," he says, blushing as his eyes flicker up to briefly meet Blaine's.
Blaine just smiles and he begins stacking up the textbooks and notebooks that have been shoved to the other side of the mattress. He climbs off Kurt's bed and tosses them into his backpack before grabbing his cell phone from Kurt's bedside table.
"Where are you going?" Kurt asks, watching him pack up.
"Finn's going to be home in about ten minutes if Coach Beiste actually let the team out on time."
Kurt arches an eyebrow and swings his legs over the side of the bed, but stays sitting. "It's not like he's going to be surprised to see us hanging out after school…"
"I know. But I want to give you a little space." He steps closer to the bed and bends down, giving Kurt a quick kiss on the corner of his mouth. "I don't want to make you any more uncomfortable than I already have."
"Blaine, you don't have to leave!" Kurt says incredulously, watching as Blaine pulls on his jacket.
"I'll pick you up tomorrow at our usual time, okay?" he says, shouldering his bag. He glances at Kurt briefly before turning and stepping out of his room, closing the door behind him.
It's not right to leave Kurt like this, but Blaine's terrified. Maybe not of sex, but of where this leaves their relationship. This doesn't mean that Kurt doesn't want him. He's just not ready and, like Blaine told him, that's perfectly fine. He just wishes he was enough to make Kurt let go of his insecurities.
He reminds himself that life just doesn't work that way. He reminds himself that they're in love, and with love comes patience and compassion and everything in between and beyond.
But it still hurts.
The next day isn't as awkward as Blaine anticipates. Kurt's a little hesitant and quiet at first, but seems to relax the second Blaine takes his hand while waiting in line at the Lima Bean.
They joke and laugh and smile at each other like nothing went wrong yesterday. Blaine's ready to forget about it for now, because a few weeks or months or years down the road Kurt's going to want sex. After all, they were moving along nicely before Blaine had to screw it up and scare him off. But regardless of how long it takes, Kurt's worth the wait.
When they reach McKinley before the morning bell, medium drips in hand, they pass Karofsky on the way to Kurt's homeroom. These encounters always go the same way. Karofsky sort of leers at Kurt. Kurt's good at ignoring him now, but Blaine feels him tense up at his side. He sees the subtle way Kurt stiffens his lips and then sucks them in – almost like he's trying to protect them.
It breaks Blaine's heart every time.
They're fine. Everything's going fine until Kurt closes and locks his bedroom door before leaning against it.
"The house is empty again," he says with a smile that Blaine doesn't quite trust. But Kurt steps forward and pushes the strap of Blaine's bag off his shoulder, letting it fall onto the floor. They start to kiss as Kurt guides him down onto the mattress, hands clinging tightly to his sweater.
Kurt's on top of him. This time, though, he's straddling Blaine's hips. His ass is placed firmly on top of Blaine's growing erection and Blaine's doing his best not to react to that. Kurt leans down to kiss him again and Blaine moans softly. Blaine thinks he feels Kurt flinch, but he can't be positive. Even if he did, that thought is lost when Kurt pushes back into the kiss and runs his hands up and down Blaine's waist.
It's when Kurt sits up straight and grinds down against Blaine experimentally that the other boy gasps loudly and thrusts up. His hands fly to Kurt's hips, holding him there.
Kurt closes his eyes and sighs, his face contorted in a pained expression. Blaine's trying to leave the elated state he's currently fallen victim to in order to slow things down, but it feels so good.
Blaine loosens his grip and Kurt leans forward so he's kneeling over him. He shuffles through his bedside drawer for a moment as Blaine absently strokes his thigh. Blaine can feel how tense his muscles are through the material of his jeans.
A drawer slams shut and Kurt settles back down on top of Blaine carefully. Blaine wonders if Kurt can feel how hard he is right now, and if that turns him on or freaks him out.
"Here," Kurt snaps, flinging something at Blaine. It lands on his chest.
Blaine picks up the condom wrapper and stares at Kurt.
"My dad gave them to me when we started dating, okay? Let's just get this over with," Kurt says, not even looking at Blaine as he begins to unbutton his own jeans. His hands are shaking.
Blaine reaches out and grabs both of Kurt's wrists. And, really, he should've stopped this the moment Kurt pushed him into bed.
They stare at each other for a few seconds before Kurt's face crumbles and he begins to sob. Hard, choking sobs that make Blaine feel helpless and paralyzed as Kurt rolls off him and covers his face with his hands. He curls in on himself and Blaine carefully spoons up behind him, gathering Kurt in his arms and trying his best to protect him. He just can't speak right now.
He holds Kurt until he calms down and the sobs turn into occasional sniffles.
"I love you," he reminds him, combing his fingers through his hair. Kurt finally turns around in his arms so they're facing each other. His eyes are wet and red.
"I just don't want to lose you," he tries to explain, voice desperate. "I don't want to lose you to someone who's going to give you what you want."
"But what I want is you." Blaine can feel his own voice quiver.
Kurt sniffs. "Stop."
"I'm serious. Babe…" he begins to rub his hands up and down Kurt's back. "You're the only person I ever want to be with. Who else is going to love me the way you do? Who else is going to light up just from holding my hand? We built this relationship up from, I think, the most meaningful friendship of our lives, Kurt. And you think I'd throw that away just because you're not ready to sleep with me?"
"No. No, not really. I just…when you left, you seemed upset. I psyched myself out, and I thought maybe you were starting to think we should've stayed friends. That even though we love each other maybe it's not in that way. I was so scared that's what you were thinking. I almost called you, like, ten times. I wanted to tell you that every time you touch me I can feel what it does to my body. I wanted to tell you how much that terrifies me because I know it's going to lead to something more. Something really special that I just don't know if I can handle right now."
Blaine rests his forehead against Kurt's and smiles. "So you are attracted to me?"
That earns him a light laugh. "Are you kidding? Of course I am."
Blaine tugs him closer and plants a kiss on his lips. "That's not at all what I was thinking. I was thinking about how I wanted to be that guy who makes you forget everything. That guy who makes you leave all your baggage and insecurities at the door. I wanted to be him so bad. I wanted to sweep you off your feet and all that. But I don't know if that's what real love is about. I mean, sweeping your problems under the rug isn't going to benefit either of us in the long run. Things resurface. So maybe real love is about picking up the pieces and fitting them back together again? Creating the foundation for a relationship that can withstand anything?"
Kurt's crying again. But he's smiling, too.
"For someone who claims to be so bad at romance…" Kurt breaks off, collecting himself and wiping his eyes. "That was perfect."
Blaine smiles and tilts Kurt's chin up, running his thumb along his jaw. "It's okay to be scared. I was so terrified of falling in love with you I didn't even let it happen for the longest time. This hasn't been easy for either of us, so don't you see how perfectly we fit together?"
"Like puzzle pieces," Kurt says, pulling him in for a lingering kiss.