b l u e s k i e s
Tell me that you love me 'cause I need you so much.
Rain pattered down onto Morty's windshield as Eli Goldsworthy drove through the forest road. The wipers moved rapidly and Eli still having trouble seeing clearly through the rain. His fingers gripped the wheel in an attempt to not plow into a nearby tree. The only sound in the car was the haunting melody of Raised by Swans' We Were Never Young. Eli felt completely ridiculous in his tuxedo. He looked over briefly at his girlfriend, Clare Edwards.
He'd almost lost his cool when she came down the stairs to greet him when he'd arrived at her house ten minutes before. Her hair, instead of falling in its usual curls, was blown out and flowed in light brown waves. He had on golden eye shadow which made her piercing blue stare almost impossible to tear your gaze away from. Her lips were coated with bright red lipstick and Eli wanted more than ever to lean over and kiss her. A pale blue dress draped across her curves in a way that made him weak at the knees.
But then he noticed her facial expression and his chest felt tight. She looked distressed and bored. Her usual smiling, happy face lit up his world. But nowadays, she was changing. They were changing.
Eli had been trying to ignore the differences of their relationship. He tried to tell himself they were only going through a rough patch and that things would end up okay in the end. But he was beginning to have his doubts about them, and it was that fact alone that broke his heart the most.
He missed those days so much; the days where they'd talk nonstop about anything, when they would kiss for hours and not even realize it, but most of all, the days when he knew for sure that she loved him. He used to be able to tell from just one look into his favorite pair of blue eyes and know just how much she cared about him. But now, her eyes are dull and empty, like the girl he'd fallen in love with wasn't even there anymore. He wondered what he'd done to make her act like this around him.
He turned his attention back to the road in front of them. His chest was still uncomfortably tight and his stomach was tied in knots. Just thinking about Clare leaving him made him have a panic attack. He drew in slow, steady breaths and tried to listen only to the calming song currently playing on the stereo. He managed to slow his dangerously high heart rate back to normal speed. A relieve sigh escaped his lips. He glanced over at her and saw that she was eyeing him cautiously. She'd noticed.
"Are you alright, Eli?" she asked him. He thought of how sweet his name sounded when she said it. He half smiled at her, not making eye contact.
"I'm fine," he told her. She looked at him a few more seconds before she sighed and turned her attention to the passenger-side window. She rested her right elbow against the door and her left hand laid between them. He looked down at her bare fingers and smirked at the memories.
'Why couldn't things be like that anymore?' he thought to himself.
Just then, Morty started to make strange popping noises and he was slowing down without Eli having to release the accelerator.
"Shit," Eli muttered as he steered Morty off to the side of the road. Morty came to a complete stop on the shoulder. Eli tried frantically to start him up again, but there was no way.
Eli groaned and ripped his keys out of the ignition. He leaned back and slammed his head against the headrest, squeezing his eyes shut.
"Eli?" she questioned from beside him, "What's going on?"
"Engine's dead," he said simply.
"What?" she asked, sounding stunned, "Isn't there something you can do?"
"Not without the prober tools, which are in my garage, at home. And besides, it's coming down like no other out there," he said, nodding his head to the window, where the rain pelted the glass.
"So… what do we do then?" she asked. Eli took note that this was the first time she'd used the word 'we' in reference to them, instead of 'you' or 'me' like she usually did these days.
"We sit," he said, opening his eyes and looking over at her.
Being stuck in his hearse with Clare, just them two, all alone, would usually excite Eli to the point where he could not control himself. But now, it was just so painfully awkward. They sat together in the front seats of Morty, staring blankly in front of them; never at each other. Even though all he wanted to do was take Clare into the back and make love to her with the soothing rain as background noise, he thought she'd reject him. And he could not deal with that kind of rejection at that moment; not when he was seconds away from a complete breakdown.
So he just sat there, scared to move even an inch for no reason at all. He wondered why in the world he was scared to be alone with Clare. Maybe he knew, deep down, that they really needed to talk. This, he knew, was a perfect time for them to have 'the talk', but he was terrified of what she would have to say.
Eli sighed and cursed Morty's engine for dying. He loved that hearse to dead (pun intended) but sometimes he could really piss Eli off. He actually found it ironic, since tonight would most likely be the end of the road for Clare and him.
His chest started to burn at the thought of that happening. His breathing picked up and Clare looked over at him, concern shone brightly on her face.
"Eli," she said, scooting closer to him and outstretching an arm to touch him. He drew back and avoided her gaze.
"Don't," he managed to choke out. He hated this the most. It was only when Eli was cracking that she paid attention. He was convinced that she only stuck around out of pity, and that would be even worse than her falling out of love with him. It was like he was boring now that he was getting better, like she no longer had a challenge. She seemed to only care about him when he is a broken mess. That's not at all what Eli wanted for them.
He backed to the driver-side door and felt for the handle with his shaking fingers. He found it and opened the door, almost falling to the wet ground.
Cool rain began to coat his body as Eli stepped outside. The cold water acted as somewhat of a calming agent to his panic attack. He slammed the door shut when he heard Clare's voice calling for him from the inside. Eli whimpered and his legs almost failed to support him. He leaned his body weight against the door and heaved in his breaths. He felt the vibration and slam of the passenger door opening and closing.
"Eli!" Clare called through the heavy rain. The water hitting Eli's face masked the hot tears streaming down his cheeks. He heard the sloshing of her footsteps coming toward him on the wet ground. He shifted and raised his face to gaze upon her. The rain had caused Clare's dress to cling to her body n the most appealing way and her soft waves now stuck to her face. He had to grip the door handle to keep himself from rushing over and practically jump her.
"WHAT'S HAPPENING TO US?" Eli shouted. Clare stopped dead in her tracks.
"What do you-," she started.
"You know goddamn well what!" he yelled. He was fed up with all of this game playing. He didn't want to pretend anymore. He needed to know for sure that she still loved him.
"We're falling apart," he said, his voice lowering.
"We used to be so great, so in love. But now… I had to ask you to a fucking school dance to get you to spend time with me," he pointed out. Each word seemed to cut Clare like a knife.
"Was it something I did," he asked, "Because the only time you give a shit is when I'm freaking out." Eli looked up at her and saw that her chin was quivering, not because it was cold standing out in the pouring rain. As much as Eli hated to see Clare cry, let alone be the cause of it, he had to go on.
"Clare, I love you more than anything, but these past few months have been awful. We don't hang out anymore, just the two of us. We don't hold hands when we walk together. We don't sneak forbidden kisses in the hallways. I don't even remember the last time you told me you loved me!" he shouted. Clare was rendered speechless.
"I have to know, Clare, what's going on with you. And I don't want some bullshit answer like, 'Oh I'm fine, I just haven't felt like it'. I want the honest truth," he said. Mascara began to run down Clare's cheeks when she wiped her face with the back of her hand. Now Eli felt even more like shit. He was deliberately making his girlfriend cry by screaming at her. He never thought in a million years that things would come to this.
"Please, I just-," he said, the lump growing in his throat becoming painful, "I just need to know what's happening to you."
The longest, most painful silence ever fell upon the couple as they stood there in the rain. They looked at each other, neither one saying a word. Eli knew this would only end in more hurt and Clare didn't know how to respond to Eli's outburst without damaging him further.
"Clare," Eli pleaded desperately as he began to draw conclusions from her silence.
"J-just say it out loud so I know," he said, pushing himself to speak.
"I-I need to know for sure, Clare," he said, a pathetic sob ripping from his throat.
"JUST SAY IT!" he shouted, hating the burning anticipation he felt in his entire body. Clare flinched and stepped back, a flash of fear readable in her eyes. This made Eli's heart sink. She feared him now. Now how could he live with himself?
Clare muttered something inaudible to Eli.
"W-what?" Eli stuttered. Clare took a deep breath and spoke up.
"I'm afraid," she said, her voice shaking.
"Of me?" Eli asked, hoping the answer was anything but 'yes'.
"Of love," she admitted. Eli was floored. Love? She feared love? How? Why?
Eli gave Clare a questioning look and she took that as a hint to go on.
"Ever since KC dumped me, I've been scared to fall in love again," she started, "I cared about him so much and he didn't have the same feelings for me anymore. I gave him so much and he just took it. I guess I was just blinded by the fact of love that I never really got to know what it truly meant. Then I met you and I thought everything I knew about love was wrong.
"But then, witnessing my parents fall out of love, just like that, made me realize that not all love lasts. And I was just scared that it would happen to you and me. I know that you love me and I want to believe you will forever, but I just can't be sure anymore.
"Then I started to help you with your hoarding problems and I got to wondering if I was really enough to make you feel like you could get better. I know that you are getting better, but I'm scared that you'll relapse and it'll be my fault. I'm just scared I won't be enough for you." She started crying too hard to finish what she was going to say, but Eli had heard enough.
"If that's how you felt, then why didn't you talk to me about it?" Eli asked, stepped towards her.
"Because," Clare sobbed, muffled from her hands, "I was terrified that I was right."
Eli couldn't take it anymore; he walked up to her and wrapped his arms tight around her shaking body. Her face pressed into the breast pocket of his tux and he stroked her wet hair with his fingers.
"Clare, you are so much more than enough to me," Eli assured her. She continued to cry into his chest while Eli rubbed her back and rested his chin on her head.
"I love you and I will keep on loving you," he said, "Forever." A particularly loud sob wracked her body when he said that and he whispered in her ear that he loved her over and over until she calmed down.
"I'm sorry," she said.
"What for?" he asked.
"I should have talked to you about this a while ago," she told him.
"It's alright, Clare, no need to apologize," he told her, "You told me now, and it's in the past."
Clare pulled back from him, but he didn't break the hold he had on her. She reached up and pushed a strand of wet hair out of Eli's eye.
"Is there any way I can make this up to you?" she asked in her teasing voice. It had been a while since she'd used that tone and Eli smirked.
"I can think of one way," he said and he swooped down to capture her lips in a deep kiss. He kissed her then like he'd never kissed anyone before. He had his old Clare back and he wanted her.
He reached up to cup her face in his hands and she clung onto him like he was the only thing supporting her. Her tongue darted across his teeth playfully until she got him to play along.
He carried her to the backside of Morty. She'd gotten his tuxedo jacket off his shoulders and he was now only wearing a soaking wet white button down shirt. He backed her up against Morty and she wrapped her legs around his waist. She couldn't help herself any longer, so she reached up and ripped Eli's shirt open with one pull of her hands. The buttons flew off, one going down the front of Clare's dress. But Eli didn't seem to care that his nice outfit was being ripped to pieces by her.
Clare's dress was pushed up all the way to her waist and Eli practically ripped her underwear off. She lifted the dress up above her head and let it fall in a wet pile on the muddy ground. It was her favorite dress, but like Eli with his nice outfit, she didn't care what happened to it. All she cared about was being with her loving boyfriend for the first time in months.
Clare's fingers reached Eli's belt and he thought he was going to die. Their lips never separated once as Eli got the backdoor to Morty open and got both of them inside.
Eli pinned Clare on the bottom and he looked at her with her make-up smudged face and red, puffy eyes with her wet hair wildly strewn every which way and he could not think of a time when he was more in love with her. He swallowed hard at her smirking face and leaned down to kiss her again.
Eli, momentarily speechless and thoughtless except for wanting her sighs and shudders as he touches her bare shoulders, her waist, her thighs, her breasts, and then, as the rain continues on pelting the roof of Morty, they kiss as if they share breaths and make love frantically and urgently for the first time in months, re-exploring each other's bodies and loving each other like it's the last chance they have.
Eli's eyelids fluttered open in the new morning dawn. His eye sight adjusts to the back interior of his hearse. He turns his face to gaze upon his beautiful sleeping girlfriend curled up next to him under the thin blanket. His back ached from sleeping on the hard floor all night long, but it had been completely worth it. He reconnected with Clare, in more ways than one. He could safely say that last night had been the best night of his life.
He continued to watch Clare, watching her chest rise and fall in time to her slow breaths and the adorable way her lips parted when she was asleep. Her hair looked like a mixture between hair that had been slept on wet and sex hair. Eli smirked and ran a gentle hand through her tangled curls and along the entire contours of her body.
Eli slowly leaned up, ignoring the pain in his back, and slightly pulled back the curtains. Sunlight pierced his eyes and he had to squint to see what was outside. Still not a car in sight, but it was no longer raining. He looked up and saw that the sky was a bright blue, almost the color of a certain someone's eyes.
It was like the sky was calling to him, begging him to start over and begin a new day and forgetting the past. He smiled a genuine smile and lay back down next to Clare. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her closer to him. He buried his face into her curls and inhaled her scent as he drifted back into a peaceful slumber.
Tell me that you need me 'cause I love you so much.
I didn't originally plan for them to do it... but I guess I get a tad bit carried away.