Disclaimer: "And Then There Were None" belongs to Agatha Christie; Chester A Bum belongs to Doug Walker. I wrote this to help myself cope with the insanity of the 1989 film adaptation. I think I went mad from the revelation of how Blore was killed (you'll see)…
And now it's time for Bum Reviews with Chester A Bum
Ten Little Indians (1989)
OH MY GOD THIS IS THE GREATEST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!
Mad dogs and English SPOILERS!
So there's this movie, called "Ten Little Indians", which is based on this book by Agatha Christie.
Well, maybe. My version wasn't "Ten Little Indians", though—it was called "Ten Verticamally Challenged Underprivileged Aborigimanals".
*beat* Eh, "Indians" is easier to remember.
But anyway, there are these ten people, but they aren't Indians at all! So why call them Indians, huh movie?
Well, maybe it's because the movie is set in Afrimaca. I know plenty of Indians from Afrimaca! But most of them are from India.
So then these random native people start going:
And then they're like:
"Screw you, we're going to chop down this bridge and leave you to starve!"
That was payback for all the Big Lipped Starving Children moments in Hollywood! All that money could've gone to starving children, ya know that?
But maybe the budget for this movie could've only fed a cat. And I love cats.
And then rich guy is like:
"I will now play a song for your amusement!"
And everyone's like:
"Dude, can't you play a normal song?"
And rich guy is like:
"No, this is the only one I know!"
And I'm sure the song was important to the plot, but I can't remember how right now. But then this record is played, and there are all these convenient dramatic pauses for everyone to shout at each other.
So maybe Ledouche from "Code C.C.'s Ass" recorded it! He knows exactly when to pause and when…not to pause!
And then everyone is like:
"I didn't do it!"
And then rich guy is like:
"I did, so what."
And then he takes a drink and he's like:
"Oh crap." *plop*
And then it turns out that whenever someone dies, a head gets twisted off these little Indian figures. Only you never really notice it, but hey, I knew someone who got their head twisted off once! It was fatal, people!
Or maybe I just on drugs.
Ooh, and there's this cute little monkey! He keeps doing things like playing with the other guests, and stealing Vera's towel. He was the best actor in the entire movie!
More monkeys should be employed in the acting business! I acted with a monkey once! It was in some zoo commercial where the monkey flings poo at me, but hey—I earned enough money to buy more drugs!
And then I shared some with the monkey and he died. And then I got fired.
And then Tickle Me Elmo's wife is dead, and he goes:
"I AM A MAN!" *punch*
Which is actually anyone's reaction to anything. Like when the general gets killed by the stage hand of doom, this big guy who's supposed to be a detective goes:
"SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND!" *bang*
And the really crazy part about this movie is that it stars Rocky's little brother! And he has a really interesting way of saying everything in the same tone of voice, like:
"Oh no, we're going to die."
"I love you, please kiss me."
So then Tickle Me Elmo is like:
"Screw this, I'm going up to the mountain where anyone can sneak up behind me! I will for sure be safe up there!"
And then the next day he's dead. So much for that plan!
And the crazy part is that this actress is a lesbian, and I think she's supposed to be that anally retentive lady from the book, but anyway, it turns out her girlfriend died by getting drunk and falling into a pool and drowning!
Let that be a lesson to you all, boys and girls: Drinking is bad! But drugs are AWESOME!
But then she dies and everyone is like:
"Oh my God, they killed Kenny—I mean, the lesbian actress! You bastards!"
And then Rocky's little brother keeps mispronouncing Vera's name! He keeps calling her "fur", for some funny reason.
I get that all the time. You'd think "Chester" would be easy for people to pronounce, but noooo! They all pronounce it as "Chas-ter", "Ches-tar", or "Chest-hair"!
Wait, the third one actually kind of makes sense.
And then the judge suddenly pops out of thin air and scares the crap out of Vera! Literally, he just—he just randomly falls off this tent and he's suddenly in her face!
But how the heck did he get up there in the first place, huh? Did the monkey kill him or something?
And then Vera's like:
"It was an accident, I swear!"
But we all know she's a lying…something o-path. Because I read the book! That's right, I, Chester A Bum, read a book out of my own free will! And I know she had a boyfriend with a whiny little nephew who Vera killed because she got sick and tired of his whining!
And then the psycho detective is killed by a TEDDY BEAR! No, I was not on a drug trip, he was really killed by a teddy bear! Seriously!
It was this teddy bear on this knife, and…and…well, it's part of this weird rhyme that's improvised or something?
So then Vera's like:
"It was you!"
And Rocky's little brother is like:
"Don't hate me because my brother is famous."
And then it turns out the judge did it! He shows up and he's like:
"Put on this noose."
And Vera's like:
And then she's dangling in mid-air and the judge is like:
"I will now drink this poison and wait for you to die."
And she's like:
"Help, I'm hanging here!"
And he's like:
"I am clever, so very, very clever."
"I'm still hanging!"
"I am going to sit here and gloat."
"I put evil geniuses to shame."
"Aren't you going to help me down?"
"Nope. Oops, time to die!"
But then Rocky's little brother comes along and saves the day, and they live happily ever after!
I think. I mean, the plane was there, but it seemed to go right by them, so maybe they stay and make lots and lots of babies to populate the area!
Or maybe they eventually starve to death.
And that's the end.
But were they really in love? They didn't really feel like they were in love, so…maybe they are in love because they're not in love? Love is screwy.
This is Chester A Bum saying: CHANGE? YA GOT CHANGE? AW C'MON HELP A GUY OUT WILL YOU? Come on, change…
What about Rocky's little brother? Can we use the change to boost his career?
(Seriously though, "Ten Little Indians", the 1989 adaptation, is awful. And hilarious for the wrong reasons.)