A/N: Alright readers we're at the End of MP.
This is bitter sweet for me. As much as I loved writing this story it truly brought back some very tough memories and I can say that I struggled with writing the last few chapters. Not just because of life but simply because it was the most honest I've ever been with myself. I'm thrilled to have had all of your input and thoughts. I will be posting my new story very soon however I haven't given it a title just yet. I hope that you will all continue to support me and my writing.
Renesmee's Point of View
I left the next morning on a bus heading for the city. I felt a little sad leaving them after I'd only just come home. However my parents were great about the whole situation. They saw me off and sent for my things from Niki's.
Niki on the other hand had not been as happy about my moving out as my parents' were.
I spent the summer with Jacob and yes within those months we'd slept together. All I could think of was that I was glad I was the 1% who'd never regret their first. I loved this man with my whole heart and I knew that we were destined to be together. He not only brought me happiness when I was lost, but he also helped bring my mother and I back together –even though he didn't do anything. Mom and I now had something to giggle and chew about and it was nice to talk about boys, something my mother knew a great deal about.
For the most part she was happy for me, but she was scared that I'd make the same mistakes that she had and that I'd get hurt. I told her that although she'd had her experiences with men that she wasn't me and she didn't understand love the way I did. I hadn't had much love in my life and now I knew that it was to be cherished. I knew that Jacob and I were not a mistake. Perhaps if she and Dad had been given a different road to follow they might have been as happy as Jacob and I were.
My parents were happy now, but I sometimes wonder what their lives would have been had they taken different roads –would they still have found one another anyways?
When the summer ended I moved back home for a month and then changed schools. I decided it was time to move to an adult alternative school. I got a job at my father's bar/hotel which he re-named Rezzy's instead of Izzy's and worked my way up while I was finishing my high school education. It wasn't long after that, that Jacob moved down here to be with me. We lived above the bar, just like my mom and Jacob Black did so many years ago.
Yes it freaked me out slightly too but my Jacob wasn't like Jacob Black he was kind and caring and he loved me completely. A year later Jacob proposed to me on Christmas morning. I told him that if we lasted five years that I'd marry him.
Seven years later we got married on the same exact day we'd officially started our relationship right down to driving away in his daddy's car. It was one of the best days of my life.
Yes I made him wait seven.
So here I am about to turn thirty and now what's started out to be my mother's story has somehow turned in to one of my own. This will probably be the most truthful that I'll ever be in my life –In fact writing this story has been the most truthful, painful, raw and honest adventure that my life journey has taken me on.
I can sincerely tell you that I've lived a –struggled –yet happy and fulfilled life. It is only now that I look back and realize what I truly had and what I've lost or given away –more thrown away. It is through our mistakes and misfortunes that we truly grow as a person. It is the struggles that test us and make us who we are.
It's because of my parents' mistakes that I'm who I am. I've learned through them what not to do with my life. It's because of them that I learned to be a better person a better mother.
Yes I'm FINALLY a mother.
Jacob and I tried for three and a half years to start a family of our own. Within those three and a half years we saw so many doctors. They told me that due to my poor kidneys -I was born with one smaller than the other -and that past kidney and bladder infections had created a blockage to my cervix. These infections were due to neglect on my mother's part, when I was a kid. I'd gotten so many infections and wasn't taken to the doctor. So I had a day surgery almost like an abortion to remove the blockage. Then I was put on fertility drugs for three months and when they didn't work we yet again saw another doctor.
This fertility doctor found out that I also had a blocked left tube. The ovary was still workable and that it wasn't impossible to get pregnant, but that it was damn near close to impossible. The doctor also found out that I had a thyroid condition and because my hormones were not in the "right range" I would most definitely not get pregnant.
We never gave up.
On Jacob's twenty seventh birthday I took a pregnancy test and I was indeed pregnant. I can't tell you how thrilled I was that I got to tell him on his birthday that he was going to be a daddy.
A week later happened to be my birthday and I woke up with a lot of blood around me. I was terrified and after a hospital visit I was told that I'd lost my baby. I felt like I'd not only lost my unborn child, but that I'd lost myself. I curled into a ball on our couch and just prayed for god not to take my baby –to give us a chance to be parents -until I could mumble no more.
Of course the birthday calls, cards and wishes all came in, but I just didn't want to be bothered. I felt like a complete failure to my husband. I didn't feel like a woman at all. And I couldn't understand what I did to deserve all this heartache in my life.
The doctor's had explained it as there was a "sac" but there was no "yolk" They had scheduled me for a DNC to remove the Sac.
I'd asked our doctor to give me another ultrasound to be sure -call it intuition.
A week later as we were walking up to the hospital for our ultrasound I placed my hand on my tummy and out loud said, "Well baby if you're in there now is the time to show yourself."
And the baby did just that.
I was so thrilled to hear his heart beat… It was like winning the lotto, only to have it taken away and then given back to you –such a mind fuck. Jacob jumped off of the little stool from where he sat beside me. The stool went flying across the room and we just held each other until there were no more tears to be shed.
The doctor then explained that I was most likely pregnant with twins and that I'd lost one. People ask me all the time if I think about that baby and I guess my answer would be yes most definitely.
I think about the baby I lost every year since that day on my birthday –which does not ruin my birthday it's the opposite really. I feel close to her. I imagine that the baby was a she. I think about her on Christmas, Easter –Holiday's and I thought about her when her brother turned one. They would've celebrated together.
But life goes on. This is a lesson that I've learned. No matter what tragedies come and go… our lives continue on… we continue on –just as we should. The doctors are still amazed that I was able to even carry a baby to full term, but this is not where the pregnancy tragedies end.
While I was delivering our son his shoulder got stuck behind my pelvis bone and there was no time for a cesarean. Our baby was losing oxygen and I was dying –I didn't know this at the time. Our doctor had three choices –let the baby or myself die or both –continue the way we were going and let the baby end up with mental retardation due to a lack of oxygen or break his arm. Our doctor took door number three and broke his left arm.
At the time we'd had no idea that his arm was broke. It wasn't until the next day that they sent for him to have an x-ray. Again we cried. We didn't understand and I was heartbroken that my new born had a broken arm.
We were angry with the hospital –with the doctors, because I'd told them about my mother having cesareans for all of her kids and my two sisters who had children before me had cesareans for all their kids.
It wasn't until after we'd seen the bone specialist that we were told what an awesome job our doctor did and that our boy had a fractured arm –different from a break. Afterwards we walked to our doctor's office and thanked her for saving our baby's life.
We then had to see a neurologist to make sure that there was no nerve damage done to his arm, that no growth plates were damaged. We saw eleven doctors in total.
I can't tell you how hard the first three months of his life were. We were unable to hold him –only to bath, dress and feed. He was to be laid down on his back and left alone. No visitors could hold him –all because if he was moved the wrong way the bone could break further. They never put him in a cast because they said he was so tiny and his bones were not as solid as ours.
They showed us three different x-rays –one each month that showed the calcium filling the fracture in the bone. It looked like a golf ball –larger than the actual bone at first and then it was as if nothing had even happened.
Then came the months of therapy and neurologists –the last appointment we had that we were told he was fine, healthy and that his arm would be perfectly normal was added to one of the best days of my life list.
Our son is now just about fifteen months old and is running all over the place. He's growing like a bad weed and soaking up everything. He's a bright young boy and I can honestly tell you that God has blessed my life with so much happiness. I will forever feel what it's like to be loved because I have the two loves of my life right beside me –my husband Jacob and our son.
We don't live a "well off life." Despite my daddy's money I choose to live a life within my needs. Now that means we struggle, we work hard and some days are better than others. I know you think I'm crazy but I don't believe that money brings you happiness and it most definitely doesn't build character and most often creates more drama than I care to dwell on.
Sure I've not had the greatest out of life but I can tell you that I've lived with two aunts, my grandfather, grandmother and friends and I am so very lucky to have these people in my life to teach and guide me. I've taken knowledge from each and every one of them.
I've always been told that I'm wiser than my age and yes no body should have to go through what I've gone through but I'm who I am because of it.
So now I've cleaned up my friends and I'm only in touch with very few because I don't care to be involved with the life style choices that they've made.
I've never truly shared my story with anyone and I can tell you that there was a lot more going on then, then I've even written in here. Like for instance when my mother married husband number two with his three daughters and my mother's three girls there wasn't a whole lot of money and most of the money went to booze so we ate one small can of no name vegetable soup with eight cans of water for dinner.
Shit I look back and see how damn crazy all this was, but I know that our son will never go hungry. He'll never know what it feels like to be abused and he'll always know just how much he is loved. I think in my thirty years my mother has told me she's loved me –sober- three times.
I've gotten my high school diploma followed by a great job working at the Hersey factory until it closed and then I made one of my dreams come true, I went to Collage at the age of twenty seven. I walked across the stage with our little boy in my belly a year later graduating with high honors in business administrative.
My sister Emily moved about an hour's drive from us. She has seventeen disorders A.D.D and A.D.H.D among them. She had three little boys, however due to her disorders they went into care just as she had. I've done everything I can think of to help her but this is the life that she is most happy with and those boys were adopted into wonderful homes.
My sister Chelsea has three kids as well. One little girl that she had at the age of fifteen, I named her Janelle. We call her Jen. Then Chelsea met another guy and had another little girl who she named Danielle. The father was very abusive and Chelsea gave Danielle up for adoption to protect her from her father. It was probably the hardest thing my sister ever did in her life. We still see Danielle and she's such a bright young girl. Then Chelsea moved on and met another man and got pregnant once again. She didn't want the baby and they decided to have an abortion. I was so angry. The abortion happened at the time that Jacob and I were trying to have a baby of our own and I couldn't understand why when I would give anything to have a baby that my sister would do anything to get rid of one. At any rate Chelsea stayed with this man and has been with him for around six years give or take and they now have a little boy named Marcus who is about to turn one in a few days.
Like mother like daughter.
I can't understand for the life of me how Chelsea and I can look at our upbringing and see things very differently. She always manages to find the wrong type of guy and get herself into the wrong type of situation.
When Chelsea was thirteen, we sent her to a detention center because she was so involved in drugs. I've always been there for my sisters whenever they should need me and I will always put their best interests first. However I still need to think of my own family and now more than ever do I need to let them stand on their own two feet.
They're all grown now and are both living a clean life. I can't always drag them out of trouble. I need to learn to be their big sister not their mother. .
One of the friends that I stayed with told me recently that if she'd known that what I was going through at the time she would've tried to help me more… done something. My own nanny told me that had she known what was taking place, she would have dragged my ass back home with her, but that was just the thing –I felt alone, welcomed it as wired as it sounds. I hated –still do hate involving people into my problems. I hate being the poor girl who needs help. There wasn't a thing that anyone could do because I never shared my story until now.
It's hard to admit our wrong doings and I can tell you it's hard to face the dark truth of our lives, but I've only just now not felt ashamed of what I've gone through, but proud to have been strong enough to survive it.
My parents never stayed together. Let's be honest we all knew that this would happen. My father I guess got tired of trying to save my mother from herself. My dad is happy living in the middle of nowhere, left alone and happy with his lady.
I will always be a daddy's little girl and he is just tickled that he gets to be a grandfather. He has always been a major role in my life and every day that I have him I'm grateful. I'd never had that father/daughter love until Edward came into my life and it takes a big man to admit when he's wrong and a bigger one to try and change it. I missed out on a whole lot of time with my dad and I intend to make up for it until the day he takes his last breath. He's never walked out on me and no matter what it is that I need help with he's always the first one to help me. I don't know what I did to deserve him, but whatever it is I can never repay the debt.
My mother has remarried once again, but I have to say that she's finally settled down. He has two sons and well they don't really have much to do with their father. My mother doesn't go to bars anymore and she too has moved out into the country. She still drinks –not like she use to –it's more a social able thing. We still have our issues mom and me. Whenever the topic of abuse comes up she never admits what she did to us –which is okay, because I know she knows -and she knows that I know.
My husband can't understand why I want anything to do with her at all. The only time she calls is when she wants something, but I can tell you that no matter what my momma has done I've always been right there for her and I always will be. I will always try to save her from herself –a burden I guess I will always have to endure. The only difference now is that I'm grown and she can't hurt me the way she did when I was little.
I think she's seen our son all of five times in fourteen months. It bothers me sure, but I look at it as it's not our son who misses out it's his grandma. The issue is that I don't want her to drink or smoke around my son and she can't give it up to visit with him. Therefore as always she's chosen her alcohol and cigarettes over her family.
I've learned to accept that mom is mom and she will never really truly change. However it's great to see her happy –when I see her -and it makes me happy that she's not running around bar hoping.
I know –what's the difference if she's still drinking? Well… a lot. She's not drinking much and although she is still choosing it she's different emotionally. I know that she's proud of me and that she loves me and I don't need to ask. I know that she regrets her mistakes, but can't find it in herself to say it out loud.
I won't make excuses for my mother, but I truly believe it was Jacob Black that ruined my mother –that broke her spirit. After Jacob my mother was never the same. I hate that man and if I ever saw him again I would have a great deal to say to him. Last I heard he got remarried to wife number three who happens to be my baby sister's age twenty three or something like that. He had a son and beats the shit out of his wife.
If I've learned anything in this life it's how to sniff out an asshole when I see one and by asshole I mean an abuser or a user. I can't tell you how frustrated I get when a friend tells me what their husbands or boyfriends are doing to them. It happens more often than I'd care to admit, but it happens.
My question to all the women out there is why the hell do we put up with it?
There's the old saying that "Shit happens" Well that shit shouldn't happen.
You know I thought about what I wanted you all to get out of this story and where the hell I was going with it. I'm not sure to be honest. I don't know if it was my own type of therapy or if it was some sort of life lesson that I wanted to help others, but I can tell you that against all odds I survived a life on welfare doing drugs, drinking, physical and mental abuse and fighting infertility.
I've pushed forward mostly because I was always told that I was going to be just like my momma and I wouldn't amount to much. I wanted to spit in every face that looked down on me and laughed at my family. I wanted to show them that even though my last name was Swan that I would beat the odds and they'd be the damn fools.
And so I have!
I can say that no matter how alone you may feel. How down and beat up you may be or perhaps scared of a particular situation. How old, young, fat, thin, blond, brunette… you are a woman/Man and you can do anything that you set your mind to. This isn't about how you've lost all hope. It's about telling yourself it's time to start a new day –new life –to find the strength to move forward.
Nothing in this world comes easy and I've learned that first hand. The world is hard ass and if you work hard, hard work brings rewards.
Life is what we make it. As a young child it's what are parents make it. And as parents we'll always make mistakes but it's up to us to make our children feel safe.
So I guess the final thing I wanted to say is I'm happy, I'm deeply truly in love and I can't thank those who've supported and guided me enough.
I know that I'll be a better mother because of what life lessons I've endured and I'm grateful to have went through all the tragedies because I'm going to be the best damn mother that ever was!
Hello all you readers of MP.
While you don't know who I am, I've had the great pleasure of knowing and working with April for the past two years or so. This woman has without a doubt blown me away with how she has grown as a writer and woman. I've watched as she's struggled to feel not only comfortable in sharing this story with me, but you also.
From our first little meeting with The rise of a new beginning and Shawn Fusion I have come to know our dear author here and have enjoyed every up and wanted to help in every down she has had in the past few years. April has shown me not only what she is made of but how she is truly a selfless person with the biggest heart.
As she has said countless times in her story Domestic Abuse, Physical abuse and Emotional abuse has a hard bite to not only those who have faced this personally but those who have watched it destroy others. If you have been a victim or know of anyone who has please seek help. I have studied psychology and know that even one person's help is more than enough to get your life back on track.
For you April, I can't believe that you have not only the courage but the self-awareness to bring this story to life. Thank you for sharing this with everyone. I look forward to working with you on your next story and every story you have coming. If I get the chance one day to visit your lovely country, expect a knock on the door and a stranger to hug the hell out of you.
What to say here?
I know that you're all a little shocked but don't be. I feel fantastic. I've done something here that was very difficult and I have to say I'm very proud of myself to have gotten it all out in my own way.
If I can help even one person then I've succeeded. If any of you should need some advice please feel free to in-box me. I'm no expert but I can help point you in the right direction of someone who is.
A few things that I would like to clear up here:
All of you readers wanted Edward to be Rezz's father and so that's what I did. But in reality he is not my blood father, but what is blood anyways? He's more of a father than my own.
To be honest "Jacob" was my two sister's father I was already born before that marriage. My parents were 15 years old and my biological father has only recently gotten involved in my life. We're taking things slow, but he's not truly my dad. However it's nice to know my biological father.
I have a daddy and there is no one in this world who can replace him. I've been very blessed to have a man take this title and even when my mom and he separated he still remained that constant in my life. I love him so very much.
And we do not own a bar. I did however live above and manage one in which I was my mother's boss -which wasn't the easiest thing in the world. Our boss was no relation, but it was a very "rough" bar without bouncers.
With that said I want you all to know that my life my not be perfect and it may have its issues from time to time but it's mine and I'm happy. So please don't feel sorry for me. Instead smile in knowing that I was able to turn it all around.
I would like to say from the bottom of my heart THANK YOU for always supporting me.
To my wonderful husband... You are simply amazing you bless my life everyday for just being apart of it. I love you more then words will ever say.