A/N:So, after a brief journey into the world of Blaise/Neville, I have returned to the Harry/Draco Kingdom with an offering that is hopefully less crack-ish. So: a tiny bit of background. Draco is under house arrest, Lucius has three years in Azkaban, and Narcissa has three months, but Harry argued for her in front of Wizengamot. (The last thing won't come up in this chapter, but it'll come up later.)

Warnings: Language, snark, and mature themes.

Disclaimer: I am not a rich, blonde, freckly British woman with four children. Therefore, I am not JKR, and I don't own the rights to any of the recognizable content. I just like to play with it.

Please read and review!


There was a boy at the top of the stairs. He looked worried, and pale, and not altogether himself.

Harry couldn't quite help but watch him as he descended. It wasn't that he was wary around him - although he could have been - or that he didn't like him – although he should have. It had more to do with the triangle of exposed skin at the base of the boy's neck, the way his hair was cut short and sharp, the way hopelessness mingled with the pride in his eyes.


It wasn't a question, but Harry took it as one and launched into his explanation: "Icametoreturnyour wandbecauseIdon'."

Draco Malfoy nodded and the faint beginnings of a smirk appeared in the corners of his mouth. "Potter, I would like to introduce you to a fascinating little topic. It's called enunciation. Using it allows me to understand you. While I am aware that your friends understand your primitive grunts, I have more class than to speak your Neanderthal language."

Harry opened his mouth to argue, then closed it again. So Malfoy hadn't changed, after all. This time, he spoke clearly. "Here is your wand, Malfoy. Take it and go your merry way. Or in your case, your arrogant, idiotic, blind way."

"That was almost witty, Potter. I'm astonished." The smirk had become more pronounced and Harry wanted to wipe it off Malfoy's stupid face.

But he didn't.

Instead, he simply turned around and began to walk back the way he had come, out the door and down the drive.

"Potter! Potter! SCARHEAD! What about my wand?"

Harry called over his shoulder, not looking around, "I'll give it back to you when you don't act like a prat!"

Harry heard the frustrated shouting of Draco as he Disapparated. He smiled. This was going to be fun.


"Good morning, Malfoy."

The boy was at the top of the stairs again. The only difference was that this time, he was in his pajamas, still rubbing sleep from his eyes. "Potter, would you be so kind as to tell me what the fuck you're doing here at three in the morning? And why the wards keep letting you in? It's been two weeks and they haven't figured out yet that I don't want to see you."

Harry fought to maintain a straight face. It was hard, though, with Malfoy's hair sticking straight up like that. Harry imagined he'd be mortified if he knew what he looked like."Firstly, I came to return your wand, but you've messed that up already. And about the second thing, I have your wand."

" So?" Malfoy asked, in a tone that clearly meant you are an asshole.

"So, the wards think I'm you, and they let me in whenever I want. Including this beautiful morning."

"Its beauty is up for debate, since I can't yet see it."

"Did you honestly just try to make an insult out of not being able to see the morning?" Harry asked disbelievingly.

Draco sniffed. "I may have."

"Wow, you have sunk low. Well, I'll be seeing you, then, Malfoy," Harry said cheerily, and strode back down the driveway.

Malfoy didn't even bother to call after him.


"Malfoy, could you please explain to me why this lovely little creature will not let me go?"

Malfoy glanced up from the letter he was writing to see Harry standing there, fuming, with a House Elf dressed in several lace doilies seemingly fused to his leg. Slowly, calmly, almost cheerily, he said, "Why, Potter, since I can't get rid of you with the wards, I figured I'd simply let the House Elves escort you out of the Manor if they happened to see you."

"Well, clearly it doesn't work, as I am here and the House Elf can't do anything about it."

"True enough. Can I have my wand back now?"

"As a matter of fact, no, because the House Elf bit me and won't fucking let go of me. And since she's your House Elf, what she does is your fault."

"True. Missy," The House Elf looked up sharply, and Malfoy continued, "You are not to let go of this man under any circumstances, for the next two days."

Harry scowled. Bastard. "You know," he said, as conversationally as he could, " This really won't help you get your wand back."

"Yeah, I know. But if I'm not going to get my wand back yet, I might as well get some fun out of this."

Malfoy smiled.

Harry ground his teeth, and strode away as fast as he could with a House Elf attached to his leg.


"Good evening, Malfoy."

"Good evening, Potter."

"Nice evening, yeah? Not that you'd really know, what with that house arrest and everything." Harry carefully kept the smile on his face composed and nonthreatening. Not that it mattered, anyway. Malfoy was already grinding his teeth. A vein was throbbing on his temple.

Harry counted backwards in his head. Three...two...one...

"Potter. I'll take my wand back now."

"Well, that wasn't too polite, was it? Maybe you can make it up to me. What's the magic word?"


"No, I don't think I can. You see, that wasn't very polite. And," Harry continued, backing towards the door, "What common language, Malfoy! What would your mother say? Oh wait, she's locked up in Azkaban, so she can't say anything, can she?"

That did it.

Malfoy lunged over a very expensive piece of statuary towards Harry's head, as Harry pulled open the door and fled down the drive.


"Good evening, Mal- OH GREAT WHOMPING WILLOWS, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Harry roared as he stepped into the foyer.

Malfoy glanced up, panting a little bit. He didn't look particularly disturbed, unlike the -Was that the garden boy? Harry thought briefly-man beneath him. Instead, he smirked and said dryly, "Well, I believe, in some circles, it is known as coitus. Otherwise known as sex, shagging, copulating, fucking, screwing, boy on boy love, mano y mano-"

"Goodbye, Malfoy." Harry said, once his brain had started functioning again. Hastily, he made his exit.

He did not need to stay there any longer.

But Malfoy called out, "Wait, Potter, what about my wand?"

Harry couldn't help himself. "Well, Malfoy, I'll say I think you're putting it to very good use and just leave it at that, yeah?"