Summary: The Doctor unexpectedly finds himself in a chastity belt. So what would Donna do again?
Disclaimer: I do not own any characters from Doctor Who, or Robin Hood: Men In Tights! If I did I'd be employed by Hollywood (the one in California).
A/N: This was written as part of the KendraC/Basmathgirl "Doctor in a chastity belt" Challenge on . The aim was to be as amusing as possible… not sure I've managed that one!
"Well, would you look at that?" Donna exclaimed as she exited the TARDIS. "Yet another castle! That's how many this week?" she asked the Doctor. "It must easily be four going on six."
"Some people pay good money to visit this amount of castles," he answered her defensively.
"Yeah, usually Americans with too much time on their hands, or school parties. Everybody else has the good sense to keep away," she moaned. "I wouldn't mind, but why do they always think we want to stay in the dungeons so much? There's only so many ways to be fascinated with the view through a barred window."
"Come on, Donna! Where's your sense of fun?" he asked, shrugging on his great coat. "One of these days we might run into a dragon or Merlin."
"Or Monty Python and the Holy Grail," she retorted. "If you could line up Bill and Ted I wouldn't mind so much, as at least I'd get to meet Keanu Reeves then!"
"You are so shallow at times!" he griped. "All you care about are pretty boys."
"And that's wrong because…?" she asked, ignoring his scrunched-up-and-annoyed face. She suddenly had a decent thought. "Doctor, do you think we might meet Alan Rickman today? Do you think we could? Ooh! He's nice!" She threw her arms around his neck to beg, "Please, please, please!"
He removed her from his body carefully, "I am not your personal dating agency and I've no idea why you think I am!"
"One of us has to meet someone; and I'd rather it was me than you. No offense, but I would," she admitted. "I couldn't stand watching you get all the action."
"You're so thoughtful," he huffed.
"I know!" she laughed, taking his proffered arm. "I'm all heart."
He snuck a look at her body, "That's one way of describing you."
"That'd better not be a boob joke, because there will be consequences," she threatened. She flickered her gaze to where the 'consequences' would occur.
"Oh no, Donna!" he hastily retracted the insult. "I'd never do that to you; well, not to your face."
She gave him a brief glare-of-death. "Good! Glad we understand each other."
He deliberate jogged her shoulder, "I think we do!" And they giggled together.
There was an inevitable sound of hooves before a bunch of mean looking blokes bore down on them to ask what exactly did they think they were doing walking along in the vicinity of his Lordship. "Got a high opinion of himself, this Lordship, hasn't he?" Donna muttered under her breath to the Doctor.
"Comes with the territory," the Doctor muttered back before breaking into his usual greeting. "Hello! I'm the Doctor and this is Donna. Is there any way we can help you?"
The leading henchman glared at him in answer. "Help? You are of no use to me unless you are a physician."
"D'uh! He just called himself 'Doctor'!" Donna pointed out.
"Keep your woman under control, knave!" the henchman sneered at them. "She is speaking out of turn."
"Why you…!" Donna began to say as she clenched her fists, reading herself to punch him out.
The Doctor niftily stepped in front of her. "My friend is a little unwell; please forgive her. I am indeed a physician if you need such a person. So I'll ask again; can I help?" the Doctor tried to schmooze him.
The leading henchman grunted, and then made a sweeping signal to his comrades. "Take them to her Ladyship; they're needed in the East Wing," he ordered them.
Several pikes were thrust into the Doctor and Donna's face to intimidate them. "Do I take it resistance is futile?" Donna whispered.
"Comply!" the Doctor answered her; and they shared a smirk.
"Ooh! Look at that!" Donna remarked as they trudged along. "I saw a tapestry just like that in the Victoria & Albert Museum once!"
"That probably is the one you say in the V&A," the Doctor confirmed. "There's a lot of authentic stuff in there."
"Have you ever been in the shop there?" Donna asked him enthusiastically. "It's brilliant!"
"No! We'll go there as soon as we get home," the Doctor replied with equal enthusiasm. A henchman prodded him in the back with a pike to push him along. "Hey! No need to get pushy!" the Doctor griped.
"Some people are so impatient!" Donna sympathised. "Looks like he's over compensating with the length of that thing too!"
"Is he?" the Doctor glanced back. "Why yes, I think he is! Must be terrible doing this job day in day out."
"I bet the hours are lousy too Donna chimed in and they began to ascend some stone steps. "Do you have a decent pension plan?" she asked the henchman behind her.
He glared at her audacity, "You are not a very obedient wife, are you? You should keep quiet and let your husband do the talking!"
"He thinks you're my husband!" Donna guffawed, and clutched at the Doctor's arm. He assisted her up the winding steps as they narrowed.
"That makes a change!" he smiled back. "Haven't lost our touch yet, have we? Though I think it might be wise to let them think that."
"Whose safety are we worrying about here? Yours or mine?" she waited at the top of the staircase for the henchman to indicate which way they were supposed to go next.
"I'd say it's more likely yours," the Doctor admitted. He let them be prodded through a waiting doorway, eager to see what was coming next.
There was a woman sitting with her back to them by the hearth pretending she hadn't heard them arrive in the room. 'Ah! One of them!' Donna immediately thought. "Your Ladyship, we bring you a stranger to our land who claims to be a physician. He calls himself the Doctor!" the leading henchman announced.
"What am I? Scotch mist?" Donna griped, but the Doctor grabbed her hand to halt her words.
"Please forgive my friend, she's from Barcelona," the Doctor began to explain.
"Not again! Can't you stop using that joke? Nobody here will have even heard of Manuel!" Donna moaned at him.
"I'm making the joke for my benefit, Donna, not theirs!" he moaned back. "What joke should I say then since you seem to have such downer on my favourite one?"
"I don't know! But you could stop using backhanded insults like that! You'll be holding up a map of Germany next!" she blazed at him.
"I never said that, so don't say I did!" he fumed in return. "That was your stupid excuse of a fiancé who said that, and you are so well rid of him! Coming with me was the best thing you ever did and you know it!"
"You expect me to admit that when I… when I…," she stumbled to a halt, unsure where to go next with her words.
"When you searched for me for a year?" he suggested smugly. "Yes, I expect you to admit it."
"In your dreams, mate!" Donna huffed. "You're the lucky one in this relationship."
"Am I? Why's that then, Donna?" he pushed her.
"Because I'm… I'm…," she faltered again.
"Brilliant!" he added. "Now we've agreed about that one can we sort out the spot of bother here?"
"Oh go on then! You've talked me into it!" she grinned at him in defeat. They both turned their attention back to the inhabitants of the room.
The seated noblewoman stared at them with fascination and anger before sighing with an annoyed air and choosing to ignore their previous display. "Are you indeed a physician?" she asked the Doctor. "My ward needs some assistance."
"What ails her, your Ladyship?" he genially asked.
"The Lady Marion complains of a malaise," her Ladyship offered.
"Is that near Malaga?" Donna asked.
"Could be Marseille," the Doctor countered.
Her Ladyship visibly bristled. "Lady Marion's humours are much aligned."
"Sounds painful," Donna drily commented.
"Lord Physician would you kindly order your wife to hold her tongue!" her Ladyship demanded.
The Doctor stepped protectively in front of Donna as she indignantly told her Ladyship, "If he was my husband he wouldn't have the nerve to order me about!"
"If?" her Ladyship exclaimed aghast.
"She forgets so easily… that we're married," he enunciated carefully for Donna's benefit, "as we have such a wonderful time together."
"Oh, sorry… darling!" Donna gave him a cheesy grin. "You make me constantly feel like a young unmarried girl."
"Do I? Why do you want one of… how do I do that?" he realised his mistake a bit late.
Donna hugged his arm to emphasise her point, "Because you buy me lots of presents, like the chocolate you'll treat me to later."
"Will I?" he frowned at her. "I might not feel like doing that later."
"Oh I think you will, husband!" she glared at him. "If you know what's good for you."
"Since when did I do that?" he laughed.
"Since you asked me to travel with you," she retorted, knowing she'd played her ace.
So he replied in the best way he could; he changed the subject. "Your Ladyship, may I meet Lady Marion?"