Summary: Jou just wants Seto to answer a question and make a choice. Is that really so hard? Oneshot.
Warnings: Non-specific mention of sex. Post-series. Pre-established puppyshipping. Manga-canon, including Japanese names. Slightly crack-ish at the beginning. Some Seto OOC in the form of sappy romanticism.
Disclaimer: I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh! Nor do I own any of the characters seen or mentioned in this fic. The idea for this fic, however, is all mine.
I think this is kind of funny in a cute sort of way. And then it gets more serious at the end, but don't let that deter you! Read on and enjoy!
Dragon Sex And Other Important Questions
In the master bedroom of the Kaiba mansion, Kaiba Seto sat naked in his bed, reading glasses perched on his nose and the sheets pooled around his waist, completely ruining the afterglow by typing away at his laptop. Jou lay beside him, his hands behind his head, and he stared up at the ceiling and decided to ask something he'd been pondering about for a while now.
"Seto, would you have sex with a dragon?"
Seto's fingers stopped typing for a moment, and he glanced over at his lover, eyes slightly widened, giving testament to just how much that question shocked him.
Then he was staring at his computer again and saying, "Don't be stupid, there's no such thing as dragons."
Jou pouted. After high school, Seto hadn't called him 'stupid' unless he really though Jou was being an idiot, in which case 'stupid' meant more like 'do you even have any brain cells in your head?' Jou didn't really appreciate the insult.
"Well, what if dragons were real? Would you do it then?"
"They're not." Kaiba Seto, ever practical and literal and unimaginative.
"Yes, but what if they were?"
"They're not, so it can't happen. Why do you care, anyway?" Blue eyes flickered toward him, though the fingers kept tapping away.
Jou shrugged. "Just a thought I had."
"What would ever possess you to have a thought like that?" Jou didn't answer, and Seto sighed. "It was one of your friends, wasn't it? Which one? It doesn't seem like Yuugi's style, and I can't imagine the cheerleaders caring either way."
The blond shifted, rolling onto his side and propping his head up on his hand. "It was Otogi."
"Ah. No explanation necessary."
Jou pouted again. "Alright, so what if you were someplace where dragons were real? What if you were in the Shadow Realm?"
He felt Seto stiffen and immediately cursed his choice of words. Seto still occasionally woke up gasping from a nightmare, and the one time Jou asked (more specifically, the one time Jou asked and Seto had responded) the brunette had shuddered "Penalty game," and gone to work in his office the rest of the night. Even after all these years, he was suffering from what happened during school.
Perhaps putting Seto in the Shadow Realm (even hypothetically) had not been the wisest choice he could make.
"Scratch that, what if the monsters from the Shadow Realm came here?" he quickly amended, and though the stiffness in Seto's shoulders didn't ease, the tension in his clenched jaw and darkened eyes lifted a little. "If that were the case, would you have sex with a Blue-eyes?"
With a great exhalation of breath, the tension in Seto's body released, and his fingers resumed their typing. "Stop playing games, Jou. It can't happen, and it's a stupid question anyway."
Again with the insults.
Growling low under his breath, Jou dropped down onto his back, crossing his arms sulkily over his chest. "What if we played 'What if KaibaCorp's stock drops thirty points tomorrow morning?' Then would it be an important question?"
He hadn't thought he'd said it loud enough to be heard, but then, Seto was sitting right next to him.
"That's not funny. You're not funny right now. Go to bed."
With a long-suffering sigh, Jou turned his head, watching Seto work. "I just wanna know. Why can't you answer?"
"Because I wouldn't possibly know what my reaction would be unless faced with a dragon, and since that won't happen, it's pointless to think about it."
"Oh, so I'm pointless then?"
This time Seto was so shocked he actually lifted his hands from his keyboard and looked at Jou, a puzzled frown on his face. "Wait, what? How did you get that?"
The blond pushed himself to a seated position, waving his arms in his agitation. "Well, if the questions are pointless, then it stands to reason that the one asking the questions is pointless too!"
Seto attempted to cut through the hysterics with calm rationality. "I thought Otogi asked the question."
"Otogi gave me the idea for the question! The question was all my very own! Which means I'm pointless!"
The brunette sighed, reaching up to rub the bridge of his nose. Maybe he needed to take his optometrist's suggestions and get those blue-tinted glasses for work, because there was no way this annoying pounding in his head was caused just by Jou's questions.
Instead of refuting Jou's statements -because Jou wouldn't believe him right now- Seto decided to do what he did best; use cold hard facts to prove that it wasn't Jou's fault and Otogi was the stupid one.
"Tell me how you came up with this idea. What exactly did Otogi say?"
That made Jou calm down somewhat, though he glared at his lover with suspicious eyes. With a huff, he leaned against the headboard, scowling across the room.
"We were all at the café, and Otogi was drinking a vanilla milkshake, and he asked if Yuugi would have sex with the Dark Magician. Yuugi turned bright red and sputtered a bit, and Otogi pointed at me and said I would probably bang my Red-eyes, since I'm so in love with it. I wasn't really paying attention because I was looking at Otogi's milkshake, but when I got home I started wondering about you and your Blue-eyes. And that's it."
Seto sorted through the story, picked out the most relevant facts, and asked, "Why were you eyeing another man's milkshake?"
More pouting. (Jou would say he scowled, but it was definitely a pout). "I didn't have enough money to buy one of my own, and it looked good."
Slowly, as though talking to a child, Seto replied, "That's what the credit card is for. To buy you things when you don't have money."
"You know I don't like using the cards! I don't like debt!"
"What debt? I own a multi-billion dollar company. I can handle any credit charges you place, Jou."
The blond muttered something under his breath, and even Seto's close vicinity to the speaker didn't let him catch the words. Then Jou shook his head and this time it was a scowl, not a pout. "You still haven't answered my question."
At this, satisfied that Jou had finally settled down, Seto turned back to his computer. "Because it's pointless. And no, that doesn't mean you're pointless, so don't even say it."
The room was silent for a few minutes, before the blonde came out with another question.
"Well, what about Mokuba?"
The hands stilled in their typing, and the air chilled a good ten degrees. "I wouldn't even dream of having-"
"No, no, I mean, is Mokuba pointless?"
The hands stayed frozen, and Seto's tone was dangerously frigid when he answered, as though trying to figure out whether Jou was slighting his brother or not. Not even Jou was safe from Seto's wrath when it came to Mokuba. "Of course not."
Idly, Jou reached up, tugging at a lock of blond hair, and he didn't look in Seto's direction. He didn't want to see the look on his lover's face.
"Who's more important? Me or Mokuba?"
Seto rubbed the bridge of his nose again and resisted the urge to get up and find some painkillers. Jou would be upset if he did, even if the questions were pointless and stupid and Jou should know the answer to that one, at least.
"It's not exactly a yes-no question, Seto."
"I won't choose, Jou. So I'll give you an answer that doesn't fit."
Oh, if only it would be left at that. But Seto knew the blonde too well, and he knew that Jou wouldn't be satisfied with just that. No, Jou had a train of thought in his head and he was determined to get an answer. The blonde could be damn stubborn when he wanted to.
But then, Seto knew all about Jou's stubbornness. It was part of why Seto had kept watching the other male, long after he would have been bored with anyone else. He'd admired Jou's stubbornness, because it reminded him so much of his own.
Now that stubbornness was just annoying, and Seto's headache increased yet again when Jou asked his inevitable question.
"What if Mokuba and I were both drowning, and we were too far apart to both be rescued. Who would you save?"
"I told you I don't like what if questions."
"No, you said you don't like questions that could never happen. It's entirely possible that Mokuba and I will both be drowning at the same time and will be too far apart for you to reach both of us. So who would you save?"
"I'd save you both," Seto said, while mentally making a note to never allow his brother and lover in any sort of large body of water at the same time.
"You can't," Jou protested.
Jou was getting pissed. He just wanted an answer, was that too much to ask for? But no, stupid Seto had to keep typing away at his laptop and ignoring his questions with stupid answers that didn't match. It wasn't so hard. Seto just had to choose.
He decided to try another tactic.
"Okay, what if you only have a hundred million dollars-" Seto scoffed. "Shut up. A hundred million dollars and Mokuba and I have both been kidnapped by different people who want eighty-million each for our release. Who do you choose?"
"You don't choose?"
"I don't pay."
A gasp sounded from the blonde's side of the bed. "But Seto! They'll kill us if you don't!"
"I won't let them." The answer was completely calm and matter-of-fact, as though Seto was completely confident that he would keep his word.
Instead of being reassured, Jou let out a growl of frustration and yanked at his hair. "Seto, you're not playing right! You have to answer the questions!"
Seto sighed, didn't call the game pointless (because saying that had ended so well last time) and waited for the next question. Jou seemed to be on a tangent. Seto was sure there would be another question coming.
"Okay, so pretend Mokuba and I are playing, and we accidentally knock your coffee all over your laptop. Months of hard work are ruined, and there's no hope of salvaging any of it. And we both blame the other. Who would you believe?"
"I back my laptop up daily. None of my data would be lost."
"We knock coffee on your backup disks too."
"….why are you playing with coffee near my computers?"
"It's hypothetical, Seto. And anyway, that's not the part you should be focusing on. Why can't you just answer my damn question?" Throwing his hands up in defeat, Jou slid onto his side, curling into a blanketed lump. Seto could only see a touch of gold hair under the thick comforter.
Letting out a slow breath, Seto saved his work and delicately closed the laptop lid, sliding it onto the nightstand. With the same slow, deliberate movements, he pulled his glasses off, resting them on top of the laptop.
Then he leaned over, wrapping one arm around the bundle of blankets that housed his lover, and in a rare moment of romantic sincerity, he spoke, because this was obviously important to Jou, which meant Seto had to give the other male an important answer, even if Jou was being stubborn and asking impossible questions.
"If you and Mokuba were drowning, I would dive in to save you both, and probably kill myself trying. If you were both kidnapped, I would use every available resource to raise the money I needed, and then I would use those same resources to hunt down the bastards and make them pay, because losing one of you would be unacceptable, but losing both of you would drive me insane and I'd die. And I wouldn't believe either of you in the third scenario, because you're older and therefore are the 'responsible adult' and Mokuba should know better than to play with coffee by my computers, so I'd punish you both." He reached out, long fingers plucking the blanket away until he could see Jou's face.
"You can't make me choose, Jou. There is no choice between you and Mokuba. I need you both, and without you both I'd lose myself." Stretching uncomfortably, he pressed dry lips against Jou's forehead. "Now can we drop this and go to bed?"
Amber eyes glistened suspiciously with tears, but neither party pointed them out, and Jou nodded, unfurling from his blanket cocoon and letting Seto have some of the covers. As Seto turned out the lights and slid in next to him, Jou smiled to himself in the dark, Seto's words running through his mind.
He curled himself up against the taller male and let his mind drift off, listening to Seto's breathing slowly even out beside him. Even if Jou really knew that Seto's first reaction would always be towards Mokuba, it was nice to hear those words.
Then, just as sleep was encroaching on his mind, Jou had a realization. He leapt up with an annoyed "Hey!" startling Seto out of whatever doze he'd fallen in. Scowling, the blonde leaned over and snapped on the light, glaring down at his lover, who was looking up at him with annoyed and bleary blue eyes.
"You never answered my question about the dragon!"
I had the thought for this ficlet when I was going to sleep last night. My friend and I had been talking earlier about Kaiba and his Blue-Eyes obsession, and that left a seed in my mind, and I spent an hour lying awake while the seed exploded in my head.
I hope you enjoyed it. I tried to keep the characters as IC as possible, though I know in some parts it didn't happen. Drop me a review and tell me what you thought about it! I would appreciate you forever!
~Until next time!