A/N: A big thank you to the readers who followed this story and a huge thank you to my betas britinmanor and JustBeAQueen.
All I Want Is For You To Want Me
Brian woke up today to the weird feeling that he had forgotten something important. He shook his head and detangled himself from Justin's arms. He walked slowly to the bathroom looking everywhere to see if there was something strange in his surroundings. His eyes traveled all over the loft trying to find something out of place or some clue as to what he had forgotten. It wasn't till after he was sitting in his office going over the day's schedule with his new assistant Betty that it hit him. He stared at the calendar on his monitor and couldn't believe that he had forgotten.
He sat in his office and waited for something to happen. He didn't know what it was he was waiting for, maybe for Justin to come bursting through his office door a complete wreck? He paced his office feeling restless and unable to concentrate on anything, but after a while he forced himself to sit down and do some work. Luckily nothing important was scheduled for the day. He managed to make it until 4 o'clock, by then he had had enough. He packed up his stuff and made his exit quickly without sparing his assistant a second glance. He didn't go home though; he drove around town for a while.
By the time he made it to the loft it was 5:30. He opened the loft door and scanned the loft looking for his partner. He found him standing in the bedroom; freshly showered and half dressed.
I wrap my arms around him and feel his damp skin under my finger tips; I bury my face in his neck inhaling the sweet mixture of his shampoo and his unique scent. I trail my fingertips all over his chest feeling Goosebumps rise under them. I draw invisible paths on his skin, feeling the buzz from where our skin meets. I turn him around to face me and see a smile playing on his lips. I raise my eyebrow at his attempt to play cool and collected. His expression remains unchanged. I pull him flush against me and attack his lips. And just like that all the worrying disappeared and the only thing that exists is the feeling of his tongue dueling with mine. I feel warmth spread through my clothes and travel all over my skin, seeping through the pours into every cell in my body.
Through a silent agreement we didn't discuss it. I kept a close eye on him throughout the evening. I noticed imperceptible changes to his behavior; his voice was a tad higher than usual and his eyes lost some of their spark, the curve of his lips when he smiles was tense and he moved around with collected steps as if he didn't want to cross some hidden line.
We had an enjoyable time in the bedroom and when we resurfaced again it was for food. We ordered from the deli down the street. We kept a light conversation during dinner; he talked about the upcoming shows in the gallery and I bitched about my new assistant; it always made him laugh when I compared her to him and he always replies:
"Don't forget my great ass and my uncanny ability at handling you," he always manages to make these words seem dirtier than they really were and I respond by spanking said ass and kissing the smirk off his face.
We were watching some old movie, he was using me and I quote, "my body pillow," he always giggles when he says it, sending a teasing look as if I would be offended by what he said. I sigh exasperated and ignore him but he giggles nonetheless and threads our fingers together. We settle into this position with the sound of the T.V filling the loft and the humming of the refrigerator in the distance. Halfway through the movie he started talking, I knew what he was going to say and I waited patiently for him to get the words out, I learned that Justin can't be pushed into doing or saying something, you have to let him get to the place where he is comfortable enough to say what he has to say, I didn't have to wait for long though.
"I remembered on my way home, the radio was on and there was this show about the history events that happened today and it just hit me right there. I thought I was going to have a panic attack. I pulled off the road and stayed in my car waiting for the panic attack but it never came," he had a soft smile playing on his lips when he said it, he looked relieved. I tightened my arms around him and he looked up watching my expression. He kissed me lightly on the lips and then turned his head so he was looking into space as he continued:
"I used to know a week earlier; I would feel it crawling under my skin; alerting me that it is that time of year again. I would distance myself from my surroundings; functioning on autopilot of going to school and then back home and keeping minimal interaction with people. Daphne got used to it and left me alone in that time to deal with it and now that I think about it I didn't hear from her all week. But now it's different, I no longer feel helpless because a part of my life is missing and I have to live through life knowing this and being scared of the unknown." He looked up at me; his eyes moistened with unshed tears, "I'm free."
He kept silent after that, but I knew he had something else to say, he would open his mouth as if to say something but then he would shake his head and close his mouth. After the fifth time it happened I couldn't stay silent any longer and I asked:
"Is there something else you want to say?"
"More like scream," he said and chuckled nervously. An idea crossed my mind at his statement and I patted his thigh as I ordered him to get dressed. He looked quizzically at me but complied without any protest.
"Scream," I told him as I moved my arms in a sweeping manner indicating the vast space around us. He looked at me as if I had gone insane. I raised my eyebrows at him. He stared at me and I stared back showing him how serious I was.
I drove to a place out of the city I used to come to when I needed alone time from everything and everyone in my life. It's an open space as far as the eye can see and I always used to pace its distance thinking. When Justin mentioned screaming I immediately thought of this place. It's not that far from the city but its surroundings always feel so isolated from the modern world; no artificial light in sight, the entire sky is open and clear, our path only illuminated by the moon and stars.
Justin took a deep breath; he then turned around to face the open space that lay ahead of us.
"I remember everything," he said hesitantly and looked back at me still unsure about this.
"FUCK YOU CHRIS HOBBS," that came louder and with a different range of emotions; rage.
"YOU DIDN'T BREAK ME, I'M STILL HERE," his voice stronger now, his fists are clenched and his chest rising and falling with labored breaths puffing out of his mouth.
"I GOT MY LIFE BACK! I GOT BRIAN BACK! I'M FREE! I'M LOVED! I'M IN LOVE! I'M NOT SCARED ANYMORE!" I touch his back and feel him shaking but I don't do anything, I don't move to help him, I don't try to calm him, I just stand there offering nothing but my support. He turns around and waits for me to make the first move and I do. I hug him and whisper into his ear words of praise and pride.
"Let's celebrate," he says out of the blue. We are driving back now. I look at him surprised by his statement.
"Celebrate what?" I ask. He laughs and answers with excitement evident in his voice.
"Life, Love, Us, Everything. Pick one!" he says. All those worry lines are gone now.
And we do.
We dance all night among the throngs of people at Babylon. Eyes closed and a smile on his face as he moves against me. I move my fingers through his hair finding the scar from where he was bashed; I caress it with my finger, the only physical reminder of what we had gone through in this long journey. The meaning it holds is no longer a painful reminder of that night so long ago but of our history together and of the obstacles we had gone through to get to where we are now.
Here I am sitting in bed, watching him sleep when I'm supposed to do other things like sleep or work. It never occurred to me how intimate this act is, the complete vulnerability the person exhibits when he is asleep. Maybe it's why I had never let anyone stay the night before him.
You know the first moment when you wake up disoriented; your face a canvas of emotion? It's the moment I love the most. I love to watch his expression that changes so quickly from being lost to the pure happiness his face radiates when he sees me looking back at him; makes me feel like I'm doing something right in my life.
Sometimes I wake up thinking that all of this is a dream. He'll disappear any minute now and I'll return to live my life without him, but then twinkling blue eyes filled with mischief and laughter gaze up at me and all my doubts and fears vanish away with the rest of the world.