Everybody Loves Tsuna

That Was One Randy Conference Call

Tsuna had no idea what his first kiss would be like, but you can imagine this wouldn't be what he was expecting. He had hoped (fantasied) that it would be in a large meadow, surrounded by red and white flowers, with just him and Kyoko in the summer sun. The kiss itself would be innocent, short and sweet.

Having a much older woman squeeze his crotch and stick her tongue down his throat in the middle of the street was the furthest thing from that.

Viper was a good name for her, she was biting his flesh every chance she got. Not to mention her tongue was ungodly good and whatever the hell it was doing. Tsuna's mind had been shut off as a result, replaced purely by the pleasure of having someone's hand work their way through his boxers and have his tongue beaten down in a wrestling match with hers.

His partner seemed to be having the time of her life, every time she bit down on his lip or grace parts of his lower body with a hard squeeze, he would inadvertently return the gesture. His right hand had been latched to her chest, pressing down through the fabric. His other hand had fallen to her own rear, gently cupping the flesh of her posterior.

Viper's moans were intoxicating, throwing Tsuna into a haze of pleasure and clothes that were suddenly ten sizes too small.

Suddenly the fog cleared as the two bodies separated. Viper had taken a few steps back and was breathing heavily, wiping the saliva from her face. Tsuna's legs had become liquid, and he couldn't keep his balance for more than a few seconds, and fell onto the small wall next to them.

"Mmm, that was nice…" Viper whispered.

Tsuna's mouth was unable to move, as if she had bent it all out of shape with all of the kissing. Viper gave a wicked smirk and picked him up, wrapping one arm around his waist to steady him. The Vongola felt like he was going to pass out at any moment.

"Was that your first kiss?" she asked.

Tsuna's wordlessly nodded.

"And I stole it from you, makes it even more delicious, hell I would have traded in half my savings for that" she whispered. Her cheeks were flush a bright scarlet, and he clothes suddenly looked awfully tight.

"I…I…" Tsuna spoke out, his words slurring like she had made him drunk with her touch. He felt like he was going faint at any point.

"Don't pass out on me now, we're not done yet" Viper snapped.

Tsuna looked up at her with a mix of shock, fear and sick curiosity. All of his thoughts had been mashed together; he could barely see straight. Suddenly he found his backside on the cold concrete floor, his neck supported by Viper's hand. She sat parallel to him, looking down on him like he was a species on the verge of extinction. Through the shroud, Tsuna could just make out a pair of amethyst eyes.

"I'm going to make you feel such pleasure that you'll forget your own name" she whispered, her finger trailing down from his lips to his pelvis.

"W-Wait!" Tsuna managed to speak out, but was silence when she pushed his head into her chest, her warm flesh consuming his face.

"I'm not the kind of woman who takes no for an answer, so shut up and let me pleasure the fuck out of you" she snapped.

Tsuna would have protested if his breath wasn't snatched away from the feeling of having a woman's chest clamp around his face like a vice. His face was pulled away, just in time to see Viper's face come closer. He shut his eyes, knowing that his hormones were about to be given a feast beyond comprehension.

"I'm still in a dream…Snake Eater!"

The electronic voice radiated from Viper's hip, and all of a sudden her face stopped, just before his. Tsuna gave a look of confusion while Viper cursed out loud; she reached into her pocket and pulled out an indigo mobile phone.

"Hold on a second, honey" she said.

Tsuna then found himself perched on Viper's lap while she flipped the lid on her phone and answered the call, irritation written all over her face. Her left arm found its way around his waist. He wasn't going anywhere.

"What is it?" she snapped.

"Mammon, darling! How are you doing?" a familiar queer voice radiated from the phone.

"What the hell do you want Lussaria?" she barked.

"Ooh, someone's touchy today" the queer member of the Varia giggled.

"I'm in the middle of something, so get on with it!" Viper snapped.

"Jeez, darling! Keep your cloak in a twist! I just wanted you to know…wait a second" Lussaria's voice suddenly became uncomfortably serious.


"…Did something happen to your voice? You sound almost…womanly" he asked.

"Womanly?" Viper asked.

Her hand traced down Tsuna's leg, rubbing the inside of his thigh. Tsuna looked down, face gone completely pale. Viper leaned her head down, so that her dark purple hair was entwined with his.

"I don't know about that, do I sound womanly to you?" she asked. As she talked, her hand went under Tsuna's jacket and began rubbing his chest, the coldness of her hand making him shiver. In-between talking, she laid down pecks and butterfly kisses across his forehead and eyes.

"Well, your voice its…it doesn't sound like you at all…almost as if you were…" Lussaria trailed off.

"A young lady? Why that's preposterous, that would imply that I had womanly features" as she said this, she leaned forward, her more than adequate breast pushing on Tsuna's head like a vice. The Vongola blushed seven shades of scarlet.

"What do you think, handsome? Do I have the incredibly arousing body of a woman?" she asked.

"Uh…I…uh…" Tsuna stammered.

"Who are you talking to?" Lussaria asked.

"A beautiful bounty" Viper answered, grinning maliciously. She then looked down at Tuna's crimson face, and her grin suddenly widened, exposing her pearly white teeth, almost like fangs.

"Say hello" she grinned.

With the speed of a lightning bolt, and the force of a falling elephant, Viper's hand grabbed Tsuna's crotch. Hard.

Tsuna's scream echoed throughout the entire town.

"What was that? I recognise that high pitch squeal from before, but only from…" Lussaria's voice trailed off.

It would have been a tense silence between two former comrades, if it weren't for Tsuna flailing around like a fish on dry land, and crying like a constipated owl. Viper smiled to herself, she was treading thin ice, but that was just the way she liked it.



"Is that the Vongola Tenth your with?"

"You mean my precious play thing? Oh yeah, he's right here"


Tsuna couldn't really hear much of the conversation; the pain emanating from his crotch was all he could think about. Or at least it was, until Viper grabbed the back of his jacket and threw his head against her lap. Her finger trailed the outline of his lips.

"Lussaria, I'm going to put you on loudspeaker, and the next sound you hear will be the Vongola moaning pleasure from my kiss" she grinned.

"What?" Lussaria practically shrieked.

"W-What?" Tsuna repeated.

Tsuna's head was gently brought up, and in the next second he was thrown back into the same haze as before. Vipers lip devoured his, her tongue running circles around his. As she feasted on her second helping, the sound of Lussaria's digital voice echoed in rage.

"SHE-DEVIL! Get you hands off of my hubbie!" he cried.

"Oh Tsuna…I had no idea you were so good with your tongue"

"Take you tongue out of his mouth this instant!"

"Oooh, naughty, naughty, if you want to squeeze them, then all you have to do is ask"

"Don't touch her darling! She's all illusion, no substance!"

"Wow…you sure are good with your hands…"

"Oooh my! Wait, this is no time to get aroused! Stop trying to confuse me!"

"I'll just undo this zipper and see what you've got waiting for me…"


"Hey, Lussaria, what are you yelling about?"

"It's awful Squalo! Mammon kidnapped the Vongola and she's having her wicked way with him!

"VOOOOI! I'll rip out her– wait, Mammon is she?"



"What's everyone screaming about, shishishishi"


"What? I'll stab her so many times she – wait, Mammon's a girl?"


"I'm going to go Jason Voorhees on your ass, strumpet!"

"Tsuna…I'm not wearing anything under my jacket, don't tease me like that! Oh wow, I had no idea your teeth were that strong…oh god…I'm naked form the waist up"

"Put some clothes on you hussie! Stop warping the mind of my future husband!"

"I'll cut your eyes out, then your tongue, then your pe…oh wait…nevermind"

"VOOOI! I'm warning you! I will hunt you down and take off your goddamn head! That goes for you to sex slave! If you touch her any more I'll-"

"W-Wait, Tsuna, you want to take me here, right now? You want to make, sweet, sweet love to me on the concrete as the sun sets! You want to whisper raunchy words in my ear while you play dubstep in the background?"


"Not dubstep! Anything but that! My hubbie loves classical! I was planning to make to make love to him with mozart playing in the background!"

"Concrete sex? That sounds rather painful; I like the sound of that"

"VOOOI! Shut up Bel! Go masturbate on your knives!"

"Already done"

"I swear I will…ewww! Get out of here you little prat!"

"I swear that boy needs counselling…and I realise how ridiculous that sounded coming from me"

"Really Tsuna? You want it to be unprotected?"


"You don't care if I fall pregnant?"


"Well…I can't say no to you, let me just turn my phone off"


"Oh god I can't take this, maybe if I pretend its m saying those words I'll feel better…oh my yes"

The phone call ended there, and Viper looked down on a very red faced and puzzled Tsuna. In reality, none of the things she had said had occurred, only Tsuna and the Varia's reactions. She was the Mist after all, her purpose was to deceive.

"Well that was fun" she grinned.

"Y-Yeah…um…this was…interesting…b-but I'm going to go now" Tsuna awkwardly laughed. He slowly picked himself up, brushed himself off and began to slowly step back.

Viper was on him in a flash.

Tsuna met his old nemesis the concrete head on. It was a surprise that he didn't have a concussion yet. Viper had, once again, pinned him down. Her eyes were once again hiding in shadow, but he could feel her stare, and it was painful.

"Did I said I was joking, I fully intend to go through with every word" she whispered, her tongue trailing down his earlobe.

All colour drained from Tsuna's face.

"Hold still, scream or don't scream, it's all up to you. Either way, I'm going to take my time, and make you the earth move under you…" she whispered, her voice filled with lust.

Tsuna let out his trademark squeak in fear. This was not what he wanted; he didn't want his first to be on a concete floor with a midget who was parading as a dead sexy woman in black!

How many people could say they had been in that position?

"Now, let's get these clothes off-"

There was a clamour, the sound of see hitting bone. Everything suddenly became consumed in an eerie silence. Viper remained dead still, before tumbling off of Tsuna without another word, out cold. The setting sun managed to partially blind Tsuna, however, he managed to make out the silhouette of a petit figure, hair shaped oddly like a pineapple.

"Who…who are you?" Tsuna asked.

His response was a trident to the head. The Vongola Tenth was knocked out cold. The figure gave a brief whimper at the act, her hands shaking violently.

"It…it is done, Mukuro-sama" she whispered.

"Well done, my sweet Chrome, now the Vongola's love belongs to us"